Friday, May 23, 2003

being judged

i seriously don't care who reads this or who cares. i guess i'm just not very good at putting things verbally, but am more of a writing kind of person.

i'm sure everyone's been judged one time or another. i myself have been guilty of passing judgements on people by the way they look, talk or even how they shake my hand. i'm also used to being dismissed as unfriendly, aloof and a totally hateable person at first sight.

and it's never bothered me, not until now.

yesterday, i had to go for some mass dance thingamajig which i wish i never took part in in the first place. we had to do some partner dance thing, and i was naturally paired with the tallest guy there.

but the way he looked at me, and the way this faint expression of disgust spread across his face, like he was thinking, "urgh, you're not pretty enough to dance with me". what resulted was, he was so reluctant to be my partner that he actually was "scuffling" with some other guy and in the end i partnered my classmate who's my height and it was rather difficult to dance cuz he just wasn't tall enough.

now, like i said, i'm used to it all. i've been teased all my life, and the fact that i was an obese kid, am still big-framed and always will be, and am not exactly zhang ziyi didn't help. i know i'm not physically attractive, no matter what my mum and her friends say (come on...your mum would think you're beautiful no matter what, and her friends would have to agree, no?) but is it that necessary to judge me that way? through my whatever few experiences in my 18 years of life, i've somewhat known that it doesn't pay to judge someone by the way they look. although i've done it before (i'm only human), never have i made it so obvious like that guy did yesterday.

i really do not know why i'm being so sensitive now, but i guess it's cuz it's not that none of those comments ever stuck me as hard as this unspoken statement did, but because it's only now that i'm choosing to acknowledge it.

it hurts. and i've been hurt so many times. maybe that's also why i try so hard to never treat anyone that way.

i've always known i'm not pretty and i probably will never get any prettier. but i know that i have friends and family who like me sincerely and, to be totally honest, that's the only thing that my self-confidence depends on. for me, an "ugly-at-first-sight" person, to even have people to call my friends in the first place must mean that there's something good they see in me, that i myself can't really comprehend.

to my dear friends and family at home and away, do know that i'm not being sappy when i say that my self-confidence totally depends on the love and care you have shown to me. and i thank you for it all.

and to that guy...i hope you grow up.

lishun at 8:29 PM

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Monday, May 19, 2003

how embarrassing!

know what? i've never felt so embarrassed in my whole entire life! it's just a little thing, but it was embarrassing all the same.

you remember the time when the scholars were all "locked up" at our darling eton hall for 6 days? well, a room leader (or room i/c for "in charge"...i tell you...s'poreans abbreviate EVERYTHING) was appointed for every room and, because we were on *ahem* such good behaviour, one of our teacher mentors mr caleb lee bought us some chocs.

yes, you've guessed it. i left the chocs somewhere and totally didn't notice till the last two periods. typical absent minded me. so, i rushed through my practical test (how the hell do you count magnification???) and went to the classes i was at...before realising i left it in the audi.

great.

now, if you were a normal jc student, and you found a paper bag with chocs in it...what would you do? take the loot and snaffle the lot, no?

well, li li told me not to give up hope and we went to the general office...lo and behold, there was the bag. and not only that...there was mr lee!

oh my goodness! the clerk was asking me,"what colour was the bag?" and mr lee came along and answered, "black." i was so terribly embarrassed!!! and to make it worse, this other office staff member came out of her room and said, "oh, so the chocs belong to her, issit?" and mr lee went, "yeah...i bought it for her!"

wah...i tell you, if i had a habit of blushing (which i don't), my face would have gone all crimson! oh my goodness! i felt so bad...!

yes, i know it's some stupid reason to get all worked up over, but not my fault right??? i don't commit stupid mistakes...oh, wait, i do...but anyway, my point is, usually when i commit stupid mistakes, i get away with them. but this time...caught in the act!

geez, that reminds me of the cheesy boyband that has since seen its demise. heh.

anyway, i can't go home in june. and know what? s'pore was a few hrs away from being declared sars-free after the new cluster at imh scare turned out to be flu, when some idiot went ahead and got sars. so yeah, no more sars-free status from who. and, like my principal mrs lim said this morning, we were ready to pop the champagne in celebration too!

which reminds me. we have to take temp EVERY DAY at precisely 7:40am and 11:25am. in school. together. i'm serious! it's like...this morning the principal just went..."okay everyone, put ur thermometers into ur mouths, at the count of three! one...two...three!" and there you had it, the entire student body and staff with thermometers in their mouths. what a right sight we must have been. it was even funnier at 11:25am. my class was at the cafeteria cuz it was during our break...and all of a sudden a new "catchy" (according to the principal) tune that many of us would recognise as "the music box" started playing instead of our normal "big ben" chimes and the discipline master came along with a loud hailer, signalling for us all to take our temperature simultaneously.

heh. really. it was super comical.

i can totally appreciate the government's attempts at preventing further spreading of sars, but i wish they didn't make it so hard on us poor homesick foreigners. know what we have to do if our application to go home is even approved? we have to deposit $1000 with the MOE, then, upon return, be quarantined at some other venue, with the cost of the quarantine deducted from that $1000, they'll take away our student pass and we'll have to apply for a new one. sigh.

i suddenly miss my home. my dog. my friends. it's different when you know you have a choice whether you want to go home for the hols or not. now, i don't have a choice at all. i'm stuck in stupidly not-yet-sars-free singapore for the entire 3 weeks and the hopes of maybe my friends coming down to visit have been dashed with the emergence of the new case yesterday.

sigh.

still...if any of you wanna come visit me here...please do. the sars thing is under control. it really is. it if weren't, i'd be suffering from atypical pneumonia by now, at the rate of me going out. besides...singapore great sale is in june! =)

consider it...ok?

lishun at 9:40 AM

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Saturday, May 10, 2003

when the world is against you

ever had one of those days when you felt that everything is just out to get you? you know...those days when everything goes wrong?

i had a partial one-of-those-days yesterday. i guess it started the night before...with an act of total injustice which i shall not elaborate on because it's rather touchy. just want to say that it's an injustice to the person involved, and i'm no longer proud of being a du-rian.

yesterday started off great. everything was fine...till it was time for chem prac. i broke a filter funnel and a conical flask while doing yet another titration - really! when will these titrations end??? - this time some sodium thiosulphate thing. it was a good thing i didn't get iodine on my shirt or else i would have seriously become damn irritated. urgh.

then, i had to stay back cuz the house capt told me there was a meeting. fine. i reluctantly decided not to go for the footie match between the saints and vjc which was held at vjc just to stay back for the meeting. finally, 4.50pm came. then, it was 5pm. i smsed the capt...only to have her reply that the meeting was cancelled and she forgot to tell me.

grrreat. i missed a potentially good footie match for nothing. plus by the time i knew, it was too late to even start out for vjc, since it's an hour's bus ride away. aargh!!! sigh.

my friends here were great...they encouraged me to whine about it, and i tried hard not to, but did anyway. i mean, when things go wrong one after another, it's impossible to stay calm. i'm not personality type - "pragmatic" you know!

on our way back to the hostel...i suddenly remembered i didn't tick for dinner (we have to tick for meals on fri, sat and sun). how fantastic, no? luckily the housemistress let us eat anyway...aah.

it just wasn't my day, huh? no, it definitely wasn't. but then, i'm sure everyone has one-of-those-days now and then, no? =)

lishun at 7:01 PM

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Wednesday, May 07, 2003

a long long time ago

hi. sorry for the horrendously long absence. if i'm not mistaken it's been close to two weeks. a thousand apologies!

this is for the benefit of my faithful follower (yes, i know it's singular, but that's the sad sad truth...). this is in order of events, btw.

the life concert was on the friday of the elections for house captain. how was my speech? err...err...ERR. you get the idea. went to the concert, enjoyed myself, yada yada, didn't make it for house captain, was sad for a while, yada yada, got caught in the rain on the way to ikea, had dinner soaking wet with teacher mentor, went back to hostel...only to get a call barely 5 minutes after signing in that we are all quarantined.

for 5 days.

because some prc guy went down with fever on good friday and was in tan tok seng hospital (ttsh-take tonic sure heal) and not spore general hospital (sgh-sure go heaven).

we weren't allowed out. at all. not even after the blasted fella was declared sars negative. not even when our food supply got short and we were getting sick of hostel food. not even when the girls were desperately craving for mcds icecream (i know, it's weird, it's like we're addicted to that stuff).

well...as you can see, those 5 days weren't exactly enjoyable. the worst part of it was the fact that we were smack in the middle of chemical bonding, graphs and transformations and were missing the last 4 periods of gp we were gonna have with the best gp teacher in the world.

i tell you...it's so cursed, this year. we want to have class outing...it rains. we wanna go home in june...sars hits. we finally get a teacher that makes us actually look forward to a lesson, especially a lesson like gp...and she gets called by MOE. goodness...what have i done wrong???

anyway, enough of the whining. although i'm tempted to continue since i've already broken my new year's resolution of not whining a million times already. heh.

we were allowed to leave the hostel starting 1st may, and i tell you...the feeling was like...wow...we're free...woohoo! *cue: the beatles' "free as a bird"* everyone stocked up on groceries, withdrew money and spent it all...muahahaha. really. we did. =P

i actually enjoyed the first day back at school last friday. not only cuz i missed my classmates (everybody now...*aww*) but also cuz PE was cancelled (whoopee!) cuz of football. victoria vs raffles (0-0), saints vs meridian (1-0). obviously i stayed to watch right? it was exhillarating, really...plus i got the best seats in the house. but yeah, the atmosphere was overwhelming, and for the first time i felt this whole feeling of pride for sajc...and best of all, i could feel that everyone felt the same. this monday's match was even better (saints drew with raffles 1-1...excellent goals, excellent game) but it wasn't the quality of the games that mattered most. it was that love for the college...that desire to see the saints win.

that was priceless.

saturday, we had a talk on bgr. oh, you know, the usual things. communication, community and conflict resolution...the difference between infatuation and true love...yada yada. me, i'm thinking...i'm 18 for crying out loud. why would anyone who's 17-18 bother about whether it's true love? all everyone wants is to have a guy/girl on their arm to show off and brag about. you know...the "haha, i've got a girlfriend and you haven't...LOSER." heh. but then, maybe i'm just bitter cuz i'm single or maybe i've watched too much oprah.

the college play was pretty good. it was very entertaining to see students acting as animals in "animal farm". the sheep were particularly popular..."four legs g-o-o-o-d, two legs b-a-a-a-d" hehehehe.

and that's all, really. nothing else much has happened...except maybe there's a rugby match this evening. shall prob watch, though i still see no point in a couple of guys causing bodily harm to each other just to get this oval ball (you can't even kick it!!!) over a line. yeesh. wow, how fascinating. still, i'll go anyway, mainly cuz i'll be in school till match time cuz of cca...library mar.

speaking of which, my meeting starts now. cheerio!

lishun at 9:36 AM

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