Tuesday, October 21, 2003

blessed

thank you for some of your responses to my previous entry. i'm feeling much better now, and think that i may have been overreacting while i was typing that last entry. things have become straightened out, and i guess we were all just a little touchy last week after getting our results.

last night i read a book by david peltzer, "a child called 'it'". the story is not a work of fiction, instead it tells of the third worst case of child abuse in californian history.

i first heard about this book during an oprah winfrey show, but took it as "just another one of those books" and never made an effort to look for a copy.

as i read about how pelzter was tortured, starved, beaten by his own mother, i could hardly contain my tears. each new "game" his mother made him play gave me a sick feeling in my stomach, especially when he ate his own vomit after his mother induced it out of him simply because he hadn't eaten in days.

i was amazed by his strength, his spirit. he never gave up, not completely anyway. when his body couldn't take the torture, he drew strength from within. but it tore me apart to read about his helplessness. his desperation caused him to question God. it even caused me to question God. what had this little boy done to deserve such pain?

when i finished the book, there was a knot in my stomach and i felt so blessed to have a loving family. so blessed to have friends who do care. so blessed to have such a good life that i can complain about trivial matters like backstabbers and gossip.

whatever my friend holds against me matters no longer. what matters now is that i am thankful for all that God has given me. i am also thankful that david peltzer did not grow up to be an abusive man, but instead uses his life to help those who are traumatised because they had a history of abuse.

it feels good to be blessed.

lishun at 6:53 PM

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Friday, October 17, 2003

i have never cried

i have never cried because of school results. i have never cried because i didn't get the birthday present i wanted. i have never cried because my parents wouldn't let me go out, or because i fell, or when i left home.

of all the times i've shed a tear, it's almost always been because of words.

in primary 5, i had a huge fall from my bicycle, which left a gaping wound on the side of my right wound. the sight of my flesh almost dropping out of the wound terrified me, but what hurt more was my uncle, who branded me a "crybaby" and that the wound was "nothing much to be upset about". even today, as i look at the huge scar left on my right foot, i still think about my uncle's declaration on my lack of courage.

in primary 6, i played truant and skipped my POL chinese lesson in school. it was not the first time i did it, not the second, but the only time my mother found out. as she hit me for the first time, i cried not because of the pain, but because she said those words that i dread to hear again, "i am so disappointed in you."

in form 2, when i was shamed in front of all the prize reciepients in school by mrs aw yeang for not wearing my tie properly, it wasn't so much the embarrassment that caused me to tear up, but because she called me, unjustly, "a disgrace to the prefects' board". a comment i always carried with me, even when i was eventually installed as head prefect.

in form 3, as i was chosen, along with wai yee, to be a company leader for guides, my world shattered when i heard from another friend that a friend of mine had been backstabbing me for some time. the worst thing was, she kept up her act for so long. i felt as if i could never trust anyone again. and i guess i never did trust anyone completely ever again.

this year, i was treated to a triple blow. three girls, of whom i genuinely liked, trusted, admired...two of them openly showed their dislike of me while the other used to backstab me.

to tell you the truth...i wish i never knew. or rather, i wish i never sought confirmation to my suspicions. if only i never knew. i'd still be able to act normally around them. i wouldn't be so self-conscious about what i had to say.

would this offend them? if i said this, would they hate me more? what have i done to make them hate me? in what way have i sinned against them? have i done them wrong? is it my fault? is it their fault?

disappointment turned to hurt, hurt to anger, anger to something i can hardly contain.

i cried almost the whole night last night. the last of the three girls to reveal their hate towards me stuck me the hardest. up till now, i've been able to contain the negative feelings about all the others that have hurt me, but last night, it felt like the dam has finally burst.

i spent the night thinking what was wrong with me. what is it that i have done to make people hate me.

is it because they think i'm fake? i've always tried my best to be sincere, tried to cut down on the sarcasm, tried to be genuine.

is it because they think i'm cocky? this puzzles me, as i've always lived by my mother's word: be humble. always. like nelson mandela, be humble. but the reaction i get from her is as though it's wrong for me to be happy over my results. as if it's almost a sin to be proud of my achievements.

is it because i'm not too tactful? i try, i do, i try! and when i fail, it has never been intentional. if i'd hurt her feelings, i'm sorry. but i'll never know if she never tells me.

is it because...is it because...?

i'm often berated because i care too much about what people think about me, but that's just me. if i come across as trying too hard, it's because i am trying. all i ever want is positive reactions to my words, my work, my feelings, me.

and it just kills me enough to make me cry, when people feel that i hurt them on purpose, that i smile when i achieve good grades just to scorn them, that i'm giving them sympathy when i'm just plain lousy at comforting sad souls. it's not a look of sympathy you're getting...it's a look of shock and puzzlement.

i don't know why i care so much. all i know is i do. and it hurts when people hate me because of it.

lishun at 9:42 AM

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Tuesday, October 14, 2003

lessons learnt

anyone who's done project work topic 1: blast from the past, would definitely agree that the part about the lessons learnt is an absolute pain. it's no different for me. up till now, refining the 2nd draft and preparing the final copy, my group has yet to truly identify and phrase correctly the lessons learnt. it's impossible, really, to get hold of exactly what the tutor wants. and it drives me nuts.

why is it so hard to identify the lessons learnt from a certain situation? usually things are more or less straight forward, and we should just be able to pick the lessons off from the surface. so, why are the tutors and examiners making life so horrendously miserable for us?

some of the lessons i find i could learn from the past 4 days of slacking were pretty obvious.

1. do not put off what you can do now till later
last thurs saw the eton hellers happily heading off to plaza singapura for crepes. since we had a pretty satisfying dinner, we decided to have the crepes after walking around for a while. "for a while" turned out to be something like 3 hrs, and by the time we reached the crepes shop, they were all out of dough. bummer.

2. big teeth, dimples and low rider jeans maketh the dj
jamie yeo (really popular dj from perfect 10) paid my senior a visit that very same night to hand her a stress buster kit. all us eton hellers really acted like true dungus, waiting for her, taking pics...the guys were literally drooling over jamie. and no wonder too. she looks prettier in person than in any of her pics. big teeth, dimples, low rider jeans and the works. she bid us a "teary" goodbye some pics and a signed fhm pic later. oh yeah, i had a pic taken with her. will post it up once choon han sends it over.

3. do not eat too much meat at the steamboat barbeque
lack of fibre=constipation

4. bring a camera at all times
i usually lug a camera around but for some weird reason, didn't do so when the girls went out on saturday. we went to china town and clarke quay! explored a lovely fort canning park by moonlight too. sigh. ended up getting berated the entire night...

5. always be prepared to have your perceptions changed
the house committee and basketball team went to jurong stadium yesterday to cheer for the 1st asean wheelchair basketball championships as a cip (community involvement program) activity. i have to admit that i expected things to be rather dull, but things turned out otherwise. although we were pretty much the only spectators there, we cheered our hearts out, and my guess is that most of us rather enjoyed it despite our grumbling. the singapore vs philippines match was really fierce and exciting...and i found myself totally immersed in the game. we'll be supporting the event till the finals tomorrow.

see? the lessons learnt from everyday happenings are far more easily identified than stupid project work lessons!

so much for project work teaching us about real life.

lishun at 9:37 AM

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Thursday, October 09, 2003

freedom '03

yes, people, the exams are over and lishun has been freed from the shackles of examdom to return to haunt you once more! muahahahahaha!

in true spirit of the coming halloween, no? =P

anyway, my exams are over, and i have 4 days to slack before post-exam activities come to overwhelm me. i'm already booked full every day! today, we shall go to plaza singapura to eat crepes...something we wanted to do during our spontaneous escapade to orchard road last month, only to find out that the crepes outlet at takashimaya has been closed down. haish.

tomorrow, i'll have to come to college (boo!) to paint banners and go for a briefing about next week's house comm cip activity. we're cheering for the asean handicapped basketball thingamajig. sounds rather interesting. just my kind of community service.

speaking of which, i just remembered that i wanna check out dog welfare societies...when the spca turned down my services as a volunteer, i was so upset! nevermind...shall start anew.

oh yeah...tomorrow's my seniors' farewell. sigh. so sad. they're all gonna leave soon. i'll really miss them! they're such cool people! gosh...i wonder if my juniors next year will think we're cool...hmm...hold that thought, eh?

well, my exam activities have not exactly been limited to dates with the ten-year-series (tys). there's also been alot of coffee and digestive biscuits involved (not to mention an expansion of girth), a large amount of archie comics, and one night of bollywood. hithrik roshan...aah. such a hottie.

what? there aren't many droolable candidates in real life. not where i am, anyway. such a pity.

i know i'm just babbling along. i guess i'll spare you the agony of any more of my nonsense. for tomorrow's edition of lishun's blog, i'll feature some silly, sloppy poems i've written, or rather, punched into my handphone.

can't wait, eh? *wink*

Morpheus
Morpheus



?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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"morpheus? does this mean that before this you were less-pheous???" - sufian, house captain of loy fatt, in all his corny glory.

lishun at 9:46 PM

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