Monday, November 24, 2003

it scares me

after a year away from home, i'm finally back for my longest stay so far. 5 weeks of bliss back in a place i call home, back where i can be assured that every smile is sincere, every look is one of love, and where nothing can hurt me.

when i thought of that it just made me reflect on the things i have learnt from my year in singapore.

sure, i learnt how to do those things our parents normally do for us; open bank accounts, shop for groceries, pay bills. i learnt how to deal with people better, especially since i stay in a hostel. i learnt from the disasterous national day mass dance that sometimes giving up is not an option - it is simply the path to destruction. the radiographers at NUH taught me that time is of the essence.

but, as corny as it sounds, it all made me realise that there is nothing more important than family.

it killed me to see that i had been taking my family far too much for granted. my parents are not as young as i always percieved them to be. the years are catching up, and it scares me that i have to be away from my mother, who is no longer as healthy as she used to be. whenever she wrote to me not to worry about her, it only doubled my anxiety. it even made me angry at times, that she isn't telling me everything.

before i went off to singapore, i wrote in my diary about my resentment over the fact that my father never expressed his love verbally or physically. it bugged me that he was away most of the time, that he always seemed to take work as his highest priority. but every time my mother wrote to me (in chinese...for a challenge...hehe), she would never stop emphasising how much my father loves me, that the one most important thing in his life is his family. through her letters, i learnt what kind of man my father is, and that i should never have doubted his love for me and my sister.

i used to think that my family only cared about me because i was churning out As in school, but just one year away made me understand that that was a shallow look on things.

my grandmother demonstrated how wrong i was just three days ago, on the night before i came home. she had been ill for some time (a fact my mother did not tell me lest i got worried) and it got especially bad that night. she would have collapsed in the washroom had my mother not been around to help her. as she drifted in and out of consciousness, my mother spoke to her, and once she was fully conscious, one of the things my mother told her to keep her awake was, "shun will be back tomorrow...isn't that something to look forward to?" my mother told me that my granny showed immediate response to that. my mother also said that when she suggested i share the room with my granny, my granny even had the strength to say, "no...i don't want to disturb her sleep."

when my mother told me this, i almost cried. i love my grandmother alot, but i never knew she felt that way about me. not to that extent, no. it just hit me that no way could she love me that much just because i come home each year with a nice report card. and no way could the rest of my family love me because of that either.

and at that moment i felt so undeserving of all that love.

it scares me the most that i will be away from home for what looks like the next 10 years at least. i will be away for the final years of my grandmother's life. i will be away for what may even be the final years of my parents' lives. i will be away should my sister get married, or if my dear May-may falls ill, if anything happens to the rest of my family. it scares me.

it really does.

lishun at 6:50 PM

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Tuesday, November 11, 2003

gruesome scenes

i can't imagine how gruesome some people can be.

being the bored person i usually am, i watched seven yesterday at college, expecting it to be an exciting cat-and-mouse mind game between a preaching murderer and 2 detectives. what i really got was loads of gore, blood and gunk.

what gunk? i dunno. dun really wanna know either.

anyway, if a man with wasted muscle mass and no tongue tied to a bed, slowly tortured to death wasn't gruesome enough, i just HAD to go watch matrix: revolutions. now, don't tell my sister. i promised to watch it with her but i couldn't stand the suspense.

should have waited for my sister.

the movie was so full of senseless violence that really, the only spectacular thing about it was the effects, which actually looked quite real. the war scenes made me think of star wars...huge machinery and flying ships...the works. the blood, the gore, the way some character i shall not name died...absolutely gruesome. it's a wonder i actually got any sleep.

but, the most gruesome scene of all occured today, during the second dry run for my group oral presentation. what was so horrid? the whole thing, really. the way no one in my group really clicked and the way the presentation didn't coincide with our speeches. it was so painful.

i'm so glad my oral presentation ends tomorrow.

well, so much for a nice, peaceful holiday. it's been nothing but blood and gore so far.

can't wait to go home! only one week, 3 days and 20 hours left.

but who's counting? =)

lishun at 8:14 PM

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