Monday, February 23, 2004

better days

sorry for the foul mood in my last couple of entries. i guess i'm just not the supergirl i always thought i can be and i should really allow some time for myself to be pathetic and miserable.

things have gotten considerable better for the past week. i managed to let go of IT a bit...and am now not as obsessve as i was. am still a bit homesick, and can't wait till i go home next month, although it'll only be for 3 days. sigh.

actually things started to look up since valentine's day. i spent the day studying before heading out to marina bay for a steamboat bbq dinner with my hostel mates. it wasn't as fun as it was last year, where we went for a performance and then took a stroll down the stretch of road between esplanade and fullerton hotel. lovely place, that. this year there were only 8 of us, and due to the strict hostel rules, we couldn't stay out. we reached the guard house just 7 minutes late and were punished for it anyway.

as for last week, i spent most of it stressing about the asean mass orientation. you know me...i usually exaggerate the situation and got myself pretty worked up. then there were the juniors who complained that the SLs didn't inform them properly about the orientation. i honestly do not blame the SLs. after all, we ARE in jc2 and are very busy people. what did they expect us to do? send them personal invitations?

despite the initial disappointment over the poor turnout and the fact that we had to kinda scramble to rearrange the rotation tables for the station games since we had to halve the number of orientation groups, the whole thing turned out pretty well.

i know i certainly had fun. even when i got dunked into the sea twice: once by the SLs, once by my dastardly juniors. they made it a point to throw me in the deeper end too. ended up screaming for my slippers...haha.

so yeah...things are looking up, and these are definitely better days. it is rather sad, though, that the orientation marked the end of my term as an SL...and that i won't be planning anymore things with the others. sigh. got tonnes of work to think about too: tutorials, exams, my mugging schedule for the term 1 holidays...

still, am feeling much happier. thanks for all the support i've been getting. didn't mean to sound self-pitying. i appreciate it all the same. and i promise: better entries in the future. just that i don't have much time to think profound thoughts these days. but i'll try...=)

lishun at 9:32 AM

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Monday, February 16, 2004

to speak

have you ever felt like there was no longer any hope in your life? when you have been so consumed by the things going around in your life that you have not been able to think about anything else? when it seems that all the world can do is talk and nothing can really be done?

being a person that people come and talk to has made me realise that talking is equivalent to absolutely nothing. although i know that by lending an ear to those who need it, they can let go and even feel much better about it, the end result of it all is that nothing had been done. i can't go and make that girl recipocrate your feelings. i can't go and convince your family that you should be allowed to pursue the course you like instead of what they want you to do. it's all out of my control. i can't do anything.

which is why i hardly seek counsel from anyone other than myself. i know that whatever situation i am in cannot be changed. and yet, i demand change. when i speak to someone about my problems, i expect that person to go all out to help me, so that by the time i open my tear-swollen eyes the next morning, whatever it was that was consuming me would be gone.

but of course, that is impossible. so, rather than let myself down by talking and not getting the action i expect, i clam up and drown myself with the practical advice that i have been hearing from myself since i developed the ability to think for myself.

it didn't work this time tho. IT was overwhelming me. although IT only began a few weeks ago, IT grew and grew, so much so that IT was the one and only thing i could think about. the one thing that was consuming me, eating me up, breaking down whatever courage i previously had.

and i cracked. i broke the rules i set for myself about talking, and spoke to a teacher. the very next day, i lied about being sick just so i could go back to the hostel, with an empty room to welcome me. and i collapsed on the bed and just cried. it disgusted me that i had to lie to have time for myself to grieve over IT, while knowing full well that i could not change the situation, that my teacher could not change the situation. and my mother, whom for the first time i called for a reason other than wishing her a happy birthday during the past year in singapore, could not do anything for me either.

the guilt was so immense. by speaking, all i did was to deprive her of sleep for one night. by speaking, all i did was let the teachers see my vulnerability. and in the end, nothing was done.

i'm not the kind to speak about my problems. and after this, i doubt even more so that i ever will again.

lishun at 11:49 AM

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