Thursday, June 24, 2004

i swear

i only swear during football season.

actually, i don't swear out loud. more often than not, it's in my head. and at times when it's not, you can only hear it under my breath, like it's struggling to get out. and usually it is, considering the many swear-worthy moments in football.

especially the premiership. you can never swear enough during the premiership.

what stopped me in my tracks today is that i caught myself swearing, and not in front of the television replaying this morning's czech republic vs denmark match.

and it...horrified me.

what made it significant is that just yesterday, a friend told me that i'm boring. she said that i'm boring because i don't straighten my hair, wear two earrings, or enjoy doing somersaults with two dogs dressed in pink tutus. and it made my delightfully childish mind think: am i boring because...i don't swear?

now, kids, swearing is bad. uncle ganesh formerly of radio 4 (what happened to him? if anyone knows, email me) would tell you that. he once refused to play all-4-one's hit single 'i swear' on his request show because "swearing isn't nice". he played 'one sweet day' instead.

right.

so, can you blame me for thinking swearing is the most vile thing on earth eventhough everyone does it? i mean, it made a radio dj not play the song. *gasp*

it's like, smoking, or premarital sex. everyone is doing it (pun not intended) but it's wrong. 13 years of formal moral education has taught me that, along with helping me master the art of looking mildly interested at the tutor while actually dreaming about michael guerin.

anyway, i swore. God forbid. i immediately looked around to see if anyone heard me. thank goodness no. i don't think anyone would be very impressed to find out that i said the "f-word" because the thought of Robben joining chelsea in august crept into my mind.

actually, they wouldn't care. hmm. that's a thought.

maybe i'm not boring after all.

did anyone read "men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti"? you should. it'll help you figure me out. on second thought...don't even attempt it.

urgh. i think i should go. the men in white are coming for me...

*note: it has to be that wrong essay i wrote today. sigh. life's such a bitch.

lishun at 5:39 PM

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

some...stuff

here's just some stuff i wrote earlier in the year...

untitled (15 april 2004)

when the night is still and there's no sound
save crickets chirping all around
with the moon as witness with silver tears
i whisper to God a silent prayer

take this loneliness away from me
Lord, take me out to the open sea
where my true love waits faithfully
in a place i long for but cannot be

i am young and naive, i know
i don't need a prison where my heart can't flow
while the world is cold, ruthless and wild
i need the freedom, innocence of a child

i believe out there is a person who
loves me just as i know You do
take me to him, Lord, in his arms i'll stay
and let the sea gently wash me away


mugger (17 march 2004, 12:38am)

it's past midnight
my eyes are open and dilated
the bed looks so inviting, but
i force myself to hate it

overdosing on caffeine
the cursed blessing in a mug
sleep and activity
deliver a stifling hug

the words swim
in front of me they move
erratically
in a manner only they can choose

as each light diminishes
i sit illuminated, alone
absorbing
till saturation allows me to absorb no more

the aroma of coffee wafts
past my nose
and then...

i wonder when i'll be a daylight person again.

*note: so totally true. it was true for block test 1, it's true for block test 2. forced myself into bed at 4am this morn, thanks to 3 mugs of coffee last night. bleurgh.

as usual, comments are welcome. i've got alot of other stuff, but they're just as mediocre as these two. have yet to produce anything brilliant. am beginning to doubt if i even have the ability to in the first place. hah.

lishun at 9:38 AM

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Thursday, June 17, 2004

the wall

i am leaving home in about an hour's time. my bus leaves Kl at 2pm. and i am building my wall once more.

let me explain.

i've been home so many times in the 18 months i've been in sngapore. two chinese new years, the sars period, june holidays, september holidays, december holidays, after block test 1...

everytime i come home, i feel like something is released from inside of me. the moment i see the bus turn into the old railway station, or at the start of the perpetual traffic jam right before pudu station, a heavy burden seems to lift itself off my heart. not my shoulders, mind you. my heart. before i see the familiar sights of this city i call home, my breathing is more laboured, each heartbeat more forced. but once i catch a glimpse of the petronas twin towers, my body feels lighter and air fills my lungs more easily.

i could not explain it last year. maybe because i was still overwhelmed by it all. studying in singapore. wow.

maybe because the feeling was not as intense as it is now. with every return, the release feels greater. the relief that floods me once i throw my bags into my mother's car does so in a greater rush.

but with that came also the added reluctance to return to the lion city. my stress level gradually increases from 2 days before i am due to go back and peaks the night before. like i told my friend, i am usually in no mood to do anything the day before i leave, simply because there is only one thought conquering my mind: it's time to return to the 5-star prison. it's time to leave my mother once more. kiss my dog goodbye. call my best friends to wish them safety and health till the next time i see them again.

the period of separation is not long. 10 weeks at most. but the pain i feel each time i board the bus heading south increases every time.

i've only just figured out why. in singapore, it is necessary to keep a guard on things. on your physical well-being, on your relationships in school, at the hostel. on your mental health. it is necessary to keep your head firmly on your shoulders. and, most importantly, it is necessary to never show people that you are weak. because once they see that, all respect is lost, and you become a target of ridicule, embarrassment and, worst of all, pity.

so gradually, i've built up a wall around me. it strengthens with each day i stay in singapore. i reinforce it daily, with sarcasm, hypocritical behaviour and insincerity, to protect the softer flesh within. the me that i try so hard not to show for fear that i should be destroyed.

and it is that wall that crumbles when i come home. that release i feel...it is the wall falling down and disintegrating. my self is free to roam my heart once more, and that is the relief that rushes through me.

however, when the time comes for me to return to singapore, i start building the wall again. it's like preparing for battle. two days before, i start gathering my men, handling the logistics, inspecting the grounds. the day before, i present my plan of attack. and on the day i step on that bus...

they say that when the first A-bomb fell on Hiroshima, there was no sound. all was silent, all was still. it was a deathly silence, one that haunts survivors to this day.

it is like that. the rebuilding of the wall i have found both comfort and fear in. it is the toil of it all that causes the exhaustion i feel when i settle into the seat of the bus. when i check my passport.

when i close my eyes and try not to cry.

lishun at 11:52 AM

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Monday, June 14, 2004

the day after

i am now 19 and a bit.

i do not feel any different from when i was 18. with the exception, of course, of the increased body temperature thanks to last night's durian. and a headache because i was up watching france devastate england in 3 minutes in the wee hours of today.

what a game. i mourned the whole day. well, at least barthez showed the world why he's still france's no.1 despite dismal performances of recent years. sigh.

anyway, football gets me very depressed, so we shall leave it at that.

as i was saying, i am now 19. and a bit. it is the day after my birthday and i am freaking out about going back to singapore on thursday. i spent the day out tutoring my cousin in add math (found out i'm totally rusty at coordinates), meeting up with old friends, rushing to catch a movie, watching "troy", seeing my lovely new cousin and now just waiting for tonight's euro match: denmark vs italy.

how thrilling.

sorry if i sound less than enthusiastic today. i know i should be very happy because my best friends all did remember my birthday and were very sweet about it too. and i am. i'm very happy. just very hot and bothered. not exactly the best phrase to use (can cause misunderstanding...lol), but it's true!

haish.

sorry for the crappy entry. =(

lishun at 8:49 PM

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Saturday, June 12, 2004

numb

*disclaimer: this is not a tribute to "taman linkin". i do not like their music. it gives me splitting headaches. and if i have to listen another stupid amateur band play "numb" one more time, i will slit their throats. thank you.

i am worried. i feel like i no longer know how to enjoy myself. or be pleasant. whatever.

when i am in the company of my sister these days, i always act like i'm about to snap her head off. and it's not as though i really want to do that...but i think i come across as if i do. her fiance irritates the hell out of me too, even when he's not doing anything. and i don't know why. he's a nice guy. i quite like him. sometimes, anyway. and i think it's unfair for me to act that way towards him, and my sister.

it's so difficult to make me smile. respond. anything. to me, every conversation feels forced and polite. i'm so tense. inside, outside. physically, emotionally.

today when i went for a facial as a "li'l" birthday treat, the lovely girl doing the facial for me said that i had neck muscles as tense and hard as a horse's.

i didn't ask her how in the world she knew how tense and hard horse muscles are, but that's besides the point.

anyway, later as she massaged my neck, shoulders and the part immediately below my neck, i tensed up and couldn't relax. the massage felt nice, but my body just, to use that word again, tensed. she kept asking me to relax, and i would, for a moment, before i tensed up again.

after the whole thing, i kept asking myself...why? why on earth was i so stressed? i felt so numb after that. less relaxed than i was before i went in.

just a few moments ago, a friend invited me over to her place for dinner. i couldn't because my mother's cooked dinner. but to be honest, i immediately felt all - here it is again - tense the moment she called. and it made me realise that everytime i went over to her place for dinner, i never did feel anything. it was like an emotion-less thing, like i was numb to the whole thing. in the past i went because, well, it was sort of a social obligation. i couldn't just relax and enjoy myself.

i am worried. worried that i have really lost the ability to have fun. real fun that doesn't leave me drained afterwards. it's as if i'm always stressed...just different kinds of stress to suit different kinds of occasions. always worried that i'd have nothing to worry about. or something like that.

it's so unfair to the people around me. it's unfair to my sis and her fiance. it was unfair to the girl at the beauty parlour. it's unfair to my friend, who always puts in such effort into the dinner parties she holds every so often.

and it's unfair to me.

lishun at 9:52 PM

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Wednesday, June 09, 2004

letting go

there are just times when one just has to admit that it's time to let go. things are not the same anymore, and maybe they never were the way i always thought they were.

i've always had this idealised image of how you would be. and i hung on to it, because it was ideal. it was nice. and that was how i wanted it to be. how i wanted you to be. even when there were signs showing that i was wrong, i chose to ignore them. even when the voice inside me told me that you're not the perfect person i thought you were, i ignored it.

well, i heard it, and i guess i did learn to listen. i've been slowly loosening my grip on that ideal image for 2 years, but there was always that one strand that i could not bring myself to cut.

why? i think it's got to do with pride. i am a very proud person. it takes alot for me to admit i'm wrong. it takes alot for me to acknowledge that i don't know you as well as i think i do. i don't relate to you as much as i've always assumed.

and you don't trust me as much as i hope you do.

i'm not bitter. i hope i don't sound bitter. there's nothing wrong with you. i've just been...a bit lost. i was searching for the perfect person in you. someone that i can model myself around, someone i feel can fill in the gaps in my self.

maybe i was searching for a perfect...me.

anyway, the scissors are now in my hand, and i'm ready to snip that last thread. it's time for me to let go of the perfect you, and to fully accept the real you. and also to let go of that last bit of hope that you're as ideal as i pictured you to be.

i still think you're a great person. one of the few i've decided to "keep". but yeah...i've let go of the ideal you.

lishun at 12:24 AM

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