Monday, August 30, 2004

plugged-in bliss

i thought about this on a bus ride back from tuition.

almost everyone on the bus is plugged into his or her own world. people are listening to music from the radio, mp3 player, discman, md player...they're all caught up with the stimuli tickling their auditory nerves. those impulses jolting the brain, eventually reduced to comfortable pricks in an attempt to ignore everyone else.

if not locked into the world of music, their eyes are glued to the pages of a book. the woman in front of me is engrossed with ancient chinese palmistry, while the man next to her is reading good omens, by terry pratchett and another author with a forgettable name. they devour the words almost greedily, oblivious to the environment. or is that a willful ignorance?

those who lack the technology or the literature seem to be preoccupied nevertheless. their eyes are glazed over with their own thoughts, lost in their imagination. even i, who is conscious of all this, am aware of my own gradual disconnection. it's as if by acknowledging what is going on around me, i too am drawn into a world separate from the one i live in.

and so they continue in this neither here nor there state, until a familiar sight catches the corner of their eyes. you can see that jolt of recognition in their eyes, consciousness suddenly emerging from the depths of their minds. the glaze turns to matt as they curl their fingers around the bell, signalling their stop.

as the people step off the bus, i see their eyes grow shiny once more, not with the glaze of self-absorbance, but as if their pupils are coated with the oil of reality, a rancid layer of horrible truths. it is no longer the bliss of being in one's own dimension, but the realisation that this is what it means to be "back".

i pondered upon this once i got back to the hostel. i wondered about the nature of this slick. what is it? is it guilt, knowing that we were being selfish for closing off the world around us? that sin of focussing on oneself and not on any other? if not...then what?

i do know, however, that the glaze in the eyes of these people while half-listening to their music, while reading their books, while lost in their imaginations...THAT is probably the closest we can ever come to true joy. it is an indulgence we can't afford to have, an ability some have lost. but that curling into oneself, that connecting with the very being we hide inside...that is bliss.

lishun at 12:17 PM

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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

still a child

i like to fancy myself as a grown up, being 19 and all. i'm living in a foreign country without my parents, i have my own atm card, i buy my own groceries, i pick up after myself, check out bus routes on my own and cleared up the mess of losing a wallet without much help.

yep, i've done it all. except vote, maybe.

anyway, it's pretty easy to reckon oneself as an adult in these circumstances, and sometimes i forget that i'm only 19. i can't drive, i don't work, i'm not using hard-earned money on those groceries that i buy.

i can't even handle university applications on my own.

i was reminded about how much a child i still am (or maybe how much a child my parents still think i am) when my dear parents came down to singapore unexpectedly yesterday. they came because i was worried about my uni applications, prelims, a-levels, what to wear for prom, and whatnot. so, being the lovely parents they are, they came down to talk to my deputy principal and my tutors to see how they can help ease the burdens off my shoulders and allow me to only worry about prelims, a-levels and how i'm going to afford that daniel yan gown.

i just saw an absolutely gorgeous one 2 weeks ago at OG centrepoint...and it costs S$200! aargh!

but i digress.

if i truly did feel that i am a grownup, i would have felt terribly annoyed at the fact that my parents came down to handle the things i, as an adult, can surely take care of. i mean, they came when i'm having EXAMS, threw my schedule 1/2 hr off, and made it seem as if i'm so weak as to not be able to get my applications off on time!

instead, i felt a huge sense of relief. i did my chemistry paper today worrying only about which reactions for organic chem were gonna be tested, and not about how terribly i'm going to screw up and not make it to uni. my DP has promised to do all she can to help, and my parents' coming here has given me a sense of assurance and security i haven't felt for a long long time.

it just shows that under all that independence and self-assurance, what i really want to be right now is a child. still dependent on my home, not quite ready to fly.

it's a priviledge i realise i only get to keep for a couple more years, so i'll have to grow up pretty fast. still, that little security net, that is shrinking surely, is there and i can still rely on it.

for now.

thanks mum and dad. =)

lishun at 10:53 AM

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