Tuesday, December 28, 2004

rubbish

i feel pressured, sometimes, to come up with something reflective, or at least something along the witty lines of some of the blogs i enjoy reading.

i wanted to write about lasting marriages, about how oprah reacted to barbara streisand's 6-year marriage to james brolin in a manner that would make one thing that 6 years is incredibly long. i laughed at that: my parents have been married for 36 years.

i wanted to write about the insanity of theme parks, about how people can catch thrills by getting on rides like the dna twister at berjaya times square, which - to me, at least - seems to have the sole purpose of spinning your brains out. it's incomprehensible how people are so willing to part with RM25 to get on gravity-defying rides that break every law of physics possible...just to get that rush of adrenaline. why, why, why?

i also wanted to write about the latest developments in my university application crisis. about my mother disapproving of my 2nd choice: journalism. about how i don't know what other 2nd choice i should have, considering the way i loathe research and the fact that i prefer physics to chemistry but totally suck at math, which nullifies that preference. i wanted to rant and rave and perhaps come up with some weird insightful revelation in the end. something reflective that would impress my "readers"...if i have any in the first place.

instead, here i am, writing rubbish under the pressure of having to produce something remotely interesting. oh f*** it.

lishun at 10:14 AM

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Saturday, December 18, 2004

my christmas

tiny flakes of white fall softly
with the current of the shaken globe
plastic within plastic
that is the christmas that i know

no tree laden with baubles graces my house
christmas jingles of reindeer
resound in a place inside my head
tunes only i hear

devoid of snow, sleighbells and fire
i sit quietly as my family paces
around a room with no chestnuts roasting
no santa in magical places

presents are not exchanged
not here where the sun scorches our skin
in this place where winter is a stranger
and christmas never does begin

that is my christmas
where family does not mean turkey and tinsel
but the silent acknowlegement of each other
presence over presents

--------------------------

christmas wishlist:

1. for my granny and mother to be restored to good health

2. for my doubts to be silenced

3. a christmas tree

4. a nice new digicam

5. a fantastic score for TOEFL CBT

lishun at 10:19 AM

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Thursday, December 16, 2004

football, anyone?

what a day of football.

first, i was invited to play futsal with my sec school friends. having never kicked a ball in my life, except perhaps when collecting volleyballs for the inter-house volleyball championships, i was terrified at the thought of running around trying to control a runaway ball.

*shudder*

told my friend i'd think about it.

5mins later, i got a frantic phone call from another pal, asking me to join her in supporting a football match because she was, err, "afraid" to go at it alone.

sounds good. i am, after all, a couch manager. i manage my fave footie teams on tv from my dad's lazy chair.

the downside? it's miles from my place. and i, being practically paralysed due to the lack of a driving license, could not manage to get transportation.

so, i took a shower, changed reluctantly into shorts and a tee, and prayed that everyone else would be as much as klutz as i am with a ball, so that i won't look too bad running in the futsal court.

it. was. smashing.

i mean, i almost died on the court, since the last time i did any physical activity besides digest food was 2 weeks ago when i took 30mins to complete 2.4km. but it was great to feel the ol' heart pumping well-oxygenated haemoglobin to my muscles, which were probably on the verge of initialising autolysis. making my sweat glands work was an exhillarating feeling, thanks to the endorphins released in my brain.

although i did gain back the calories i used up, by eating assam laksa for dinner, it just felt good. by the time i walked past the giant tv screen showing a classic man utd vs chelsea match (a footie-mad friend and i looked puzzled for a while at the presence of our hero cantona), i was smiling from ear to ear.

i guess the main thing wasn't the football or the pain-killing neurotransmitters being secreted in my synapses. it was the joy at doing something that i've never done before. i mean, two years ago, i would have politely declined or used the excuse "my mother's not happy about that" if i were invited to play futsal. or go "support" a football match with my friend, for that matter. i'd have stayed at home, hoping that i wouldn't regret rejecting the offer, wallowing in self-denial believing that i'm having a better time in bed, reading a novel.

it was...a sense of adventure, although playing futsal is definitely not something people would associate with adventure. you just have to understand that i used to be much more boring than i am now. i still feel the urge to just decline all invites to go bowling, swimming, or anything outside my comfort zone of books and the computer. but i'm starting to shake it off.

in the words of the "old bean" of the sajc scholars, "change is good".

football, anyone?

lishun at 10:31 PM

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Wednesday, December 08, 2004

miss independent

*not in a particularly reflective mood today

kelly clarkson ~ miss independent

miss independent
miss self sufficient
miss keep your distance
miss unafraid
miss out of my way
miss don't let a man interfere, no
miss on her own
miss almost grown
miss never let a man help her off her throne
so, by keepin her heart protected
she'd never ever feel rejected
little miss apprehensive said ooo
she fell in love

what is this feelin' takin' over?
thinkin' no one could open my door
surprise, it's time
to feel what's real
what happened to miss independent?
no longer need to be defensive
goodbye, old you
when love is true

miss guarded heart
miss play it smart
miss if you wanna use that line you better not start, no
but she miscalculated
she didn't wanna end up jaded
and this miss, decided not to miss out on true love, so
by changing a misconception
she went in a new direction
and found inside, she felt a connection
she fell in love.

when miss independent walked away
no time for love that came her way
she looked in the mirror and thought today
what happened to miss no longer afraid?
it took some time for her to see
how beautiful love could truly be
no more talk of "why can't that be me?"
i'm so glad i finally see...

........

is that me?

when a friend, who painstakingly burnt a personalised list of songs for myself and others as a farewell gift, included this song on my cd, i raised my eyebrows.

okay, it was because i didn't like this song, it being very christina-aguilera-ish (it's written by aguilera, btw). however, i listened more closely, searched out the lyrics, and was dismayed to find that it does kinda describe me:
miss wall-in-my-heart.

so what now? demolish that wall that took years to build? i dunno. it's a revelation of sorts, but the trouble is, i dunno what to do with it. sigh. help.

*please read previous entries if you haven't visited in a while

lishun at 6:34 PM

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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

when i fear

it was 3 days before grad nite. my friends had just returned from johor bahru with bags and bags of purchases and were showing them off to me. i just stared forlornly at the bevy of jewelry, shoes and happy faces.

i had yet to make any progress in terms of getting ready for the much overrated "big day".

"you can't just sit there, lishun," said meiyin. "you have to go out and fully confront your problem. i mean, the perfect outfit isn't gonna fall from the sky. go look for it!"

i thought alot about what she said. although it was a simple statement about my pathetic dress-less situation, it actually referred to alot of things about my life. everything i feared, i dared not face it head on. i shrank away. when i read alice sebold's "lucky" a few days later, i came across a phrase in the book where sebold said that the philosophy in her family was "if you don't talk about it, it'll go away."

that sentence struck me as horrendously true about me. i've always thought that if i just ignored my troubles, they'd erase themselves and cease to be a problem. in the past, i'd been in self-denial, believing that it worked.

now, i thought about the problems i'd encountered in the past. when my plans for a prefects' plan fell through, i avoided the confrontation. i hid...and that resulted in no camp for my batch of prefects. when the national day mass dance was falling into pieces last year, i ran away instead of dealing directly with the problem. i thought that if i did, we'd be able to withdraw. we didn't. my cowardice resulted in my house captain having to draw up a last minute dance routine with her class...and she and my house master lost faith in me. now, the prom dress issue. and i am still the coward i was.

has it been in vain that i spent 2 years in singapore? how can 2 years not change me? how can i have come to know Jesus and not sorted out the imperfections that are barring me from carrying out His plans for me? i do believe that my lack of courage is a hinderance to whatever i am meant to do. yes, i know that Gideon was a coward who went on to lead God's army into victory, but even he had to commit entirely to God, and his faith was entirely in God.

is mine?

today i received a word directly from God. i was just reading and listening to music when a tug came from the heart to reach for my bible. a voice called to me:

Matthew 8:26
'But He said to them, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea. And there was a great calm.'

and it greatly encouraged me. why am i fearful? by shying away and taking things into my own hands, i was drifting further into the tempest. faith is still the key. faith that God will calm the seas. faith that God will rebuke the winds. why was i running away?

it just became more and more ridiculous to me. my old behaviour: all signs of a girl who didn't have faith in God. how could i not, when He has been so faithful to me? it is ridiculous. even now, when the thing i fear most is my future, the indecision over which university i am going to be admitted into, the mess about converting the conditions of my scholarship...what is there to fear if God is on my side?

now i know. when i fear, there is absolutely no reason to. i just have to keep my head up and put my faith in God.

lishun at 9:44 AM

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Monday, December 06, 2004

the prom diaries ~ confessions of a bimbo convert

26 nov:
the a-levels ended yesterday. i was horrendously bored. decided to go out shopping for grad nite stuff. no luck. ho hum.

27 nov:
zoo. woohoo. not much shopping to be done here. hmm...maybe a white tiger fur collar would look good. *looks longingly at white tigers*

28 nov:
orchard. again. *yawn* my shoe broke, so i had to hobble to the mrt station to get my S$5 pair of charles & keith sandals, the only purchase i've made since...lunch. haha. *laughs like a bimbo* sandals are starting to hurt my feet. ignore ignore.

29 nov:
eton hall visit. saw cute pics of hostel mistress' baby. no cute top/dress/skirt though. oh well. wore @#$%^ S$5 sandals to class bbq only to find feet red and blistered. @#$%^!

30 nov:
decided to forgo trip to jb and am determined not to regret it. wore shoes to alleviate pain on left foot due to blisters. had a fab time with my cousin. why are all the charming, sweet, and handsome guys i know all RELATED to me??? *grumble* regrets missing jb trip when girls rave about their purchases. all at half price. @#$%^!

31 nov:
am. sick. of. shopping. black skirts, black tops, baby doll tops that make me look preggers...aargh! shopping sucks! guys are all shocked at this outburst. am first girl to claim dislike towards shopping. aargh. @#$%^! expert shopper drags me away before i sprout more profanities, throws me in a dressing room, and chucks me various pieces of attire. left store with a skirt in 30 mins. she is such an angel.

1 dec:
grad nite in 2 days and have no accessories. runs to bugis to search for either jeng earrings, jeng necklace, or jeng whatever so i won't look like clone of friend. aargh. am gonna look like a clone like those sec 4 girls i saw at meritus mandarin. black halters. black shawls. hair up. short skirts. aarghhhhhhhhhhh! ooh...nice earrings. *kaching!* (cue: shania twainnnnn!)

2 dec:
oh my gawd. day before grad nite. am looking like panda. aargh. manicure and pedicure tonight. woohoo. so...tai-tai. haha. posed all night for pictures...at orchard. with other friends. what on earth were you thinking???

3 dec:
grad nite! makeup! hair! have enough hairspray on my locks to...to...um...nevermind. makeup artist plays with eyeshadow on my eyes for 30mins, only to accidentally dust my eyeballs. teared. am amused at how flustered the artist becomes. "aargh! die die die!" guys say i looked seductive. ooh la la...haha. *giggle*

4 dec:
...
(had a late night. grad nite was fun. tonnes of pics which i will upload sometime in the future, ha. walked barefoot to great world city, and never felt more free. drank fruit yoghurt which was supposed to have liqour in it. naughty naughty. haha. reached hostel at 3am. slept at 4:30am. woke at 8am to meet friend at bedok. spent one hr at serangoon looking for henna. basket. rushed back, chucked stuff into bags and bathed before an emotional sending off of expert shopper at the bus station.)

grad nite is SOOOOOOOOO overrated!

*in other words...i loved it. love you guys, you know who you are*

lishun at 9:51 PM

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