Monday, March 28, 2005

changes

it's been more than a week now. i'm feeling a little better, but am still bogged down by superficial thoughts and emotions that are preventing me from doing any worthy work.

when i become at a loss for words, when my well of inspiration dries up, i turn to my old letters and diaries for ideas. so far my practice of counting on my old entries to get the wheels rolling again has never let me down in the past, and this time is no different.

as i thumbed through all my journals, i realised just how much i've changed. i can no longer relate to the 16-year-old who spent most of her life analysing the words of the guy she liked. i could hardly believe i was, only 3 years ago, so obsessed with pleasing people i now know were not worth my efforts. i read entry after entry, not recognising the person i once was.

just recently i wrote to a friend saying that i am glad he hasn't changed a bit. after reading the words i penned into my old journals, i know what a whole load of bull that is. it's impossible for someone to not change at all. i can't even begin to understand the "me" from only a couple of years back anymore. i can't pinpoint the exact moments, but i sure can detect a difference in my tone, in the way i described things then and the way i describe things now. my train of thought has changed. where my mind was once occupied with one thing and one thing alone, it is now filled with various thoughts that i struggle to keep up with.

it is so easy to just say to someone, "you're still you". it simply rolls off the tongue and we say it as if it were a compliment; something along the lines of "i thought you were nice, and i still think you're nice." thinking about how i can't see myself in the old journal entries anymore, i am of the opinion that it is not a compliment when you tell someone that they haven't changed. it suggests that the person is stagnant, stationary, unevolved...as if he is resistant to improvement or adaptation.

it made me wonder what kind of a person i'd be now if i continued to have the mind of my 16-year-old self. horror of all horrors!

yet i do feel as if my closest friends have not changed - not much anyway. it is a feeling that opposes my mind, which usually knows better than my heart. perhaps we all have changed in our own ways, but because we grew up together, these personal changes influenced each other and, as a result, became a part of one another.

maybe this is why, when separated by long periods of absence, we sense more changes in a person's character than if we were in constant contact. there wouldn't have been any "give and take" in the individual changes, hence existing gaps widen and new cracks form. when people change together, differences develop and fade at the same rate.

it's rather like physics: "net change = zero".

i'm not sure if this makes any real sense. all i know is that while i feel sad that i have to let go of the old me(s?) and work on allowing my current self to change and evolve at its own pace, it is liberating to realise that my friends and family are changing just as i am, and that i have a direct role to play in those changes. therefore i should not be afraid of changes, and there are indeed alot of changes going on in my life right now, but instead embrace them and hope that we are being moulded together at the same time.

perhaps we shouldn't say "i'm glad you're still the same" anymore.
perhaps it would be better to say "i'm glad we're growing together".

lishun at 11:15 PM

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

stuck

i just suddenly feel so stagnant. there is no other word for it.

it's not boredom: i have plans and errands and tonnes of things to do.

it's not depression: i have so many reasons to be happy, and i am.

it's not ungratefulness: there has never been a time when i am more thankful.

here i am, surrounded by smiles and proud looks on the faces of people i love and who love me. it is all great, and i don't want to be anywhere else.

but i feel so stuck.

the smiles are the same ones i've seen since forever. i can identify every gapped grin, every shiny tooth, every curl of the lip. i know the meanings behind every pair of sparkling eyes and can pick up the subtle messages hidden in each gesture.

i just feel like i need to get away from this familiarity. i need to meet new people. to climb out of my stagnant yet thriving pool. somehow it is all suffocating me.

last friday, a friend told another that he needed to "move on" from an aspect of his life.

tonight, i feel as if i need to move on from something too. i just wish i knew what it is.

lishun at 10:08 PM

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Sunday, March 13, 2005

why i stopped watching romantic comedies

i don't watch romantic comedies anymore. i stopped two years ago; the last one i watched from start to finish being "how to lose a guy in 10 days".

they're all way too sweet for me. too fairytale-like. too happy ending happily-ever-after.

nothing ever works out that way. the perfect guy never suddenly decides to see you as more than "just a friend", not even after you come out in a gorge dress and sing a sweet song on stage (ref: "dawson's creek" and "a walk to remember"). the perfect girl doesn't fall for you after you spend the night trying to convince her that the jerk wasn't worth it anyway (ref: "clueless"). most of all, there will never be a true rags-to-riches cinderella-ish story in this world, nothing along the lines of "maid in manhattan".

all these movies only accomplish one thing: to make me more and more disillusioned than i already am.

i made the mistake of watching "a walk to remember" a few moments ago.

just 15 minutes into the show, and already all the ridiculous ideas i had about life before i stopped watching romantic comedies came back.

the ideal life i envisioned. the endearing scenarios i used to dream about. the diabetes-inducing way each milestone of my life would progress: the perfect university. the perfect guy. the perfect wedding. the perfect cherubic kids. the perfect job, complete with cute episodes of trouble ala "the brady bunch" or "family ties". the perfect 50th anniversary party. and, of course, the perfect ending, which never includes death, but with two wrinkled hands holding one another, and two pairs of eyes looking out into the sunset.

cue: camera pans outwards.

yes, that is what a romantic comedy can do to me. hence the abstinence from all things sugar and spice.

i never did watch "a walk to remember" in one go. i watched the entire movie spaced out in several accidental occasions ie. while channel surfing. however, i do know enough about the movie to understand why the guys i know from sajc tell me that it's the one and only romantic comedy they will watch.

it's about the perfect girl, with the perfect tragic story, the perfect obstinate personality, and who still looks absolutely darling in a floral dress, dreaming about being married in her mother's wedding gown. the perfect girl who changed an imperfect boy into a perfect young man who does all he can to fulfill her hopes before she dies.

how sweet.

how deceiving.

it's not that i'm not a hopeless romantic. deep down i believe in fairytales and riding into the sunset. it's just that believing in such magic is dangerous. i became an idealist because i believed in happy endings. i had an ideal of my life in my head, and everytime i encountered something that didn't fit into the picture, i became frustrated and went into denial. it robbed me of my sanity, and it made me miserable.

deciding to stay away from romantic comedies kind of...set me free. it sounds stupid, but it's true. i now know that life is never that sweet, never that nice, and never full of pleasant "serendipity" (another romantic comedy). and most important of all, i don't expect it to be.

but i still want it to be.

anyway. that's just why i stopped watching romantic comedies. this is just a pointless directionless entry.

lishun at 9:31 AM

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Monday, March 07, 2005

different beats, same tune

the link below leads to a story i wrote about my sister and i. it was published yesterday (sunday, 6 march 2005) as a contribution to a column called "the gap", which welcomes stories about the differences between family members.

hope you all find it a good read! do send me comments. =)

different beats, same tune by chua li-shun

as for the reactions of my family members...

my mother was surprised that i could write something that will actually be published. while i know she is proud of me, i could not help but be a little stung by her words. it sounded as if she doesn't believe that i can work on a piece without her advice and input, and have it come out well. she said that the story wasn't what she envisioned it to be like when i first told her that it was going to be published. i try not to think about how she thought it was like, but i am a tiny bit angry that she probably wanted me to write the story she would have, instead of letting me put pieces of myself in it. still, she has expressed her support for my love of writing, and has offered her advice anytime i need it.

my father, the man of few words, said nothing more than, "it's pretty good." this is a huge bit of acknowledgement from a man who spends his life focussing on the negative aspects of things. he hardly voices how proud he really is of his two daughters. if i were to perform well in anything, he would usually just grunt and say "good then". if things went wrong, he'd launch into a long lecture that more often than not would end in him stomping off in anger, leaving my mother to do the damage control. he's definitely improved in recent years, and i am glad that he's actually said a good word to me.

as for my sister, the main subject of the story, she played the part she has always played so well: the supportive sibling. she said she was touched by the fact that i had chosen her as the inspiration behind my story, and was moved by how i had written it. seeing that smile on her face, as she congratulated me on my first piece of published work, was all i needed to convince me that yes, i can keep writing even if i end up spending my days in a white coat in the future.

lishun at 8:47 PM

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