Friday, April 29, 2005

khmer country (part 2)

24 Apr

it's the first leg of my tour of angkor (sorry, am watching the amazing race as i write this) and we headed off to angkor thom and visited the magnificent south gate. gods and demons guarded the "big city" (angkor=city, thom=big) and its gates had carvings of four faces, each representing compassion, wisdom...err...and something and something. heh. i forgot. i kept snapping away and am almost out of film. =\ but how could i resist? the history! the carvings! the ruin...

how do i describe it all?

we went to the bayon temple, the last temple built by the kings of the ancient civillisation. i guess i took the most pictures there. then we headed off to ta prohm, a temple totally destroyed by vegetation. i guess ta prohm represented the power of nature. for 300-400 years it was untouched by man, leaving it at the mercy of the plants, which turned out to absolutely merciless.

tree roots broke walls down as the plants themselves reached for the sky, damaging the temple and all its former glory. however, not all was destroyed by nature. it was sickening to see the buddha carvings hacked by hindus. man lent a hand in defacing the temple that was built meticulously with sandstone, carved by skilled hands, lovingly smoothed...and is now gone.

at bayon, i took my time, exploring every nook and cranny, photographing everything that caught my eye. i stared right into the blank eyes of one of the 216 faces of stone and silently asked it...how does it feel to no longer be revered as a god? to be seen and awed, but treated as merely a source of income or a reason for bragging rights?

these temples were once built for narcissistic purposes, a step towards the status of devaraja - the king god. the kings led kingdoms that stretched so far that they believed themselves the center of the universe, and the kings thought themselves gods. a temple was necessary to ensure their status as deities. grand monasteries dedicated to ancestors, parents, generals, wives.

yet now they lie in ruins. what can the faces tell me? what have they seen? the hundreds of pairs of eyes lay waiting for centuries, forgotten by the people who worshipped them, people who then went on to worship war and guns instead of the deities that guaranteed them rain and a good crop. what did they see? what do they see?

perhaps it's a new sense of reverence now. admiration rather than respect. wonder and intrigue where there was once worship. their legacy lives with every click of the shutter...the gods, the kings, the hands that cut, carved, polished and prayed.

i have captured yet another piece of the souls of those who lived so many hundred years ago in my mind, my writing and my photographs.

anyway, am going to angkor wat later.

lishun at 9:45 AM

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

khmer country (part 1)

there's alot to write about my trip to cambodia. so, being the lazy person i am, here's some excerpts from my diary entries during my time in khmer country.

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22 Apr

things to do in cambodia:

1. take TONNES of pics
2. buy "krama" scarves and tees for friends
3. not get ill/robbed/kidnapped
4. eat duck embryo thingy

23 Apr

i'm here! in cambodia! khmer country!

the airport at siem reap is really tiny and is equipped with a few ceiling fans to provide (little) comfort from the devastating heat. yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is the dry season in cambodia and temperatures go up to 40 degrees celcius at times. fabulous!

the welcome party included some kids that were begging. they looked at most 10, had decent clothes, scraggly hair and a permanent "peeease serrr...US dolllller serrrr" on their lips, complete with outstretched hands and pouts. i felt immensely sorry for them, but was angered by the fact that they were spending their time, on a school day too, banking on the sympathy of tourists. what were they doing there? they should be learning, playing, growing, helping around the house...anything except trying to earn an extra buck or two by doing nothing but looking absolutely pathetic!

i may seem pretty hard on beggars, but in a country like cambodia where education is free and there can never be a shortage of work to do - even landmine victims turn to their artistic sides and become trained in music and handicraft rather than beg - it's baffling that children are still begging for money.

anyway, in siem reap, there are signs of the booming tourism industry. the main road, national route no.6 (not unlike our malaysian road no.1) is lined with countless hotels of all "stars", guest houses and other forms of accomodation. most of them come cheap, so i guess it's all very lonely-planet-traveller-friendly, when it comes to finding a place to stay the night, at least.

i had the whole of the first day off, so my fellow tour-mates and i acquired the services of several "tut-tut"s - modified motorcycles which were fitted with a carriage - and headed off to the old market to shop for souvenirs.

shopping? on the first day? that defies all laws of tourism!

but shop we did, and we spent more than an hour in the narrow, dark corners of the market searching for the best bargains. everything was dealt in US dollars (bummer), but that was the only downside. the place was tourist heaven. you could find everything under the sun there, including replicas of the temples of angkor, buddha heads, smoking pots (which were very quaint and came in lovely designs...it took alot of self-restraint to keep from buying one), and the "krama" skarves i was looking for.

bargaining is something new to me. however, the best tip is to slash the original price by at least 50% and work from there. the thing that puzzled me most was that the price of t-shirts increased according to the size.

???

the first day basically ended with us tucking into indian for dinner since we were at a tourist area and all the place offered were overpriced smoothies and tacky bars.

there was no sign of local food, although i did spot some people squatting beside the road, tucking into duck embryos that were boiled and served with chilli and onions ala paris restaurant (pj people would know what i mean). i was both fascinated and grossed out by a woman who chewed her way through 3 almost fully formed ducklings by the time i saw her. despite it being on my "to do" list, my sister talked me out of asking for a bite, a decision i (kinda) regretted later. i did snap a picture of the woman eating the offending creatures though.

i was grateful for the naan i chomped down later that night.

lishun at 11:27 PM

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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

one more day

my mother takes a nap every day at 2pm. it is a ritual she's followed since we returned from hong kong 11 years ago. all our friends and family know better than to call from 2-3pm lest my mother be disturbed from slumber.

these days, as i am still rotting at home and chiding myself for not trying out S papers, i am usually in the living room watching repeats on the telly while my mother lies asleep on the couch. i have been watching her as she snores gently, her eyes closed, her face serene. and i think: my mother is so beautiful! despite the ravages of time and disease, she's still beautiful.

she's been ill for a couple of years now. i find myself wondering what life will be like the day God takes her away from me. my father, who is so reliant on her company, would never be the same again. as for my sister and i...we'd still be relatively young and would have no choice but to try and go about life as normally as possible. but how could we?

i harbour a secret fear of watching my loved ones leave me, one by one, leaving me alone. it is a selfish fear and i hate myself for being afraid of being by myself, for having a secret desire to die before everyone else so that the grief would not be mine, but theirs.

i harbour a secret mission, to keep everyone safe in my world. to make sure they are alive.

when my mother sleeps, i watch for the gentle rise and fall of her chest. her soft snores assure me that yes, she is still with me. yet i feel insecure everytime she takes her nap. what if she doesn't wake up? when she eventually does wake up, just in time for her favourite television show, i heave a big sigh of relief because it means that i have just earned one more day with her.

one more day without having to be alone.

lishun at 8:45 PM

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Friday, April 08, 2005

i am home

i was checking out all my old floppy disks when i came across a poem i wrote sometime in july 2004.

i couldn't recognise it. when i read it, i could hardly believe that i wrote it...it's as though someone else wrote it and accidentally saved it on my diskette. it's not like a poem that i could possibly write now.

well, just wanna share it with you. hope you like it. do comment. =)

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I Am Home

How does the air embrace you as you run
free, through the coarse grains between your toes?
Does it wrap you in an invisible sheath
or touch you lightly through your hair?

When did the crimson flush of your cheeks greet
the world? Plump and radiant
as peaches fresh from the basket, and as sweet too.
Colour, against the grey of the ocean.

Where has your veil gone? The thin fineness
enveloping your face, shielding
from the harshness in the screaming wind of people
who dance and grab around you, away from the sea.
Muslin, draped, to hide the terror imprinted on your skin.
Where is it now?

I, who do not see you, feel your bare smile
upon the One who loves you, next to frothing waters
that lap against your ankles. It is warm,
and the cloth in your fist falls gently as you whisper,
"I am home."

lishun at 9:53 AM

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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

open doors

God closes some doors and opens others.

i think it's time i start accepting the fact that God wants me in imu. He has made it very clear that i am meant to be there.

1. all my applications to australian unis were rejected because my alevel results were released a week after the feb 2005 term commenced.

2. jpa doesn't allow me to postpone my studies till 2006, but have allowed me to enroll in a twinning course at imu should i get accepted.

3. my imu interview is on the 20th, 3 days before i set out for cambodia, a trip i have planned since february.

4. the first round of written tests and interviews for nus medicine will be held during the time i will be snapping pics of angkor wat.

5. the youth congregation of the church i am attending is largely made up of imu students.

if those aren't obvious signs, i dunno what are.

so why the hell am i still so reluctant accept it? it's dumb for me to feel this way anyway because i still have to go through the interview before i can even say anything about my "future" in imu and, despite these signs, the possibility of me being rejected is still there.

so why on earth do i feel so...bleurgh?

some time ago, i wrote about my anguish at receiving the news that i have been unsuccessful in my applications for the sph scholarship and the aus unis ("closed doors", 12 Nov 2004). i was angry at the doors that have been slammed in my face.

now, i am - it's hard to choose the appropriate word - confused at the one that is open.

lishun at 10:07 PM

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Sunday, April 03, 2005

random thoughts

the pope is dying. despite the vigils held worldwide, praying for his recovery or for blessings for his soul, what the world is really waiting for is his death. pope john paul II has been the head of the catholic church for 27 years. he is a record-breaking pope. and yet, in the end, everyone is waiting for him to die so that they can have a new pope.

i can't help but think that is tragically cruel.

*note: pope john paul II passed away a few hours after this entry was written

terri schiavo passed away a few days ago. her husband and her parents fought over her right till she breathed her last. the final battle wasn't about whether she wanted to live or not, but rather whether her parents or her husband were right. no one cared about terri when she died. the politicians used her. the judiciary system made history because of her. her parents and her husband fought for the sake of pride and not with terri in mind.

and i thought, "but what about terri?" perhaps it's a good thing that she's left this earth, rather than have to see her loved ones continue to lose sight of what they were originally fighting for.

the news about a boy being mauled by a dog brought back memories of when i, too, was bitten by a dog. as a dog-lover, i always made cautious approaches at strange dogs, and they always warm up to me. i was bitten by a dog i had played with since it was just a puppy. her name was roxy, and she was a gorgeous rottweiler. she would rub her head against my hands and gently nibble me to make me stay when i had to leave. one day, in a sudden fit of violence, she bit me right on my knuckles. my skin was torn from my middle finger to the back of my hand. i had a puncture wound. i ran back home, not daring to tell my parents about it. i cleaned and cared for my wounds alone.

my attempts at charming strange dogs are still largely successful, but when i think about roxy, my heart aches at the betrayal she served me. i trusted her, and yet she bit me. she taught me a valuable lesson that day: no matter how much i trust someone, there will always be room for me to be bitten in the end. and i will have to keep my fists clenched to protect myself.

*note: when approaching a strange dog, always keep your hand clenched in a fist before offering it to the dog to take a sniff. this is in anticipation to the possibility that the dog may bite. if your hands are clenched, it can only get at your knuckles and your fingers are protected.

once the dog is satisfied with your scent (i.e. it licks your hand or shows no further signs of hostility), do not touch its head. instead, pet it below its muzzle. dogs interpret pets on the head as a threat because, from the dog's view, it looks like you are going to hit it.

i personally stick to these rules when dealing with dogs other than my own, hence the minimal physical damage done by roxy. i wish i could say the same about the emotional damage.

i went for a sexuality education forum two days ago. it was refreshing to hear issues deemed taboo being discussed so openly and frankly. i mean, we were discussing the suitability of teaching pre-schoolers about ejaculation. i doubt there'd be any other place in the world that malaysians from all kinds of ngos and government bodies would be able to talk about sex and sexuality in such a manner.

i came out of the forum thinking, "there is hope for this country after all."

of course, implementation is gonna be a hotly discussed topic, but that is another story altogether. all i know is that the forum must have been a milestone on its own.

manchester united drew with blackburn at home. bah.

anyway. random thoughts. it hasn't been a hugely happy week. mostly pretty bland. i took it for granted just as i do every week. not good. not good at all. sighs.

lishun at 9:46 AM

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