lishun's musings

Friday, March 31, 2006

love apathy malice

"hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is."
- rollo may, american psychologist

when you feel strongly about something, it is only natural that you will act upon it, whether or not those feelings are positive or negative.

for instance, my sister abhors spring onion. whenever my mother cooks soup with spring onion in it, my sister will painstakingly remove every single tiny piece of spring onion in the steaming broth. only when the soup is completely spring onion-free will she even take a single sip. that, my friends, is feeling really strongly about something and taking action on it.

love, is a strong feeling. when you care about something or someone, you will instinctively do things to protect them, show concern about them, and just be nice to them. plus, as i've already demonstrated in the example above, hate is an equally strong feeling and elicits reactions that reflect the same degree of emotion.

apathy, however, is just total impassiveness. when you don't feel anything about anything, you can just shrug your shoulders and go on with your life. oh, maybe you'll do something just for the heck of it, but without the feelings to drive your actions, it is empty and meaningless.

i'm not going to talk about doctors becoming more and more apathetic with the increasing number of years they spend in practice. most of us are already well-acquainted with the image of physicians seeing patients as afflictions first and people second, and most medical students (myself included) fear that they too will one day be those lifeless doctors who dispense medication for profit and not because there is a true desire to help relieve the discomfort of others.

i just feel like writing about...

let's say there's this issue out there. it concerns you and me and everyone else close to us. there is someone championing this issue on our behalf, and we're happy about it, because it means that if all goes well, life will be better for us.

you would want that person to be doing it out of love, won't you? wouldn't it make you sleep better at night knowing that the person who is fighting for you is doing it because he/she feels strongly about it and is acting on those strong feelings? it sure makes it more convincing that he/she will do a good job at it, and that all the rah-rah is not just full of half-baked ideas.

even if you don't really know that person, you would want some kind of assurance that he/she is actually passionate about helping you and not just doing it for the heck of it. because that would mean that in reality, he/she is being apathetic and doesn't really care about the issue, or you, or me. it would be even worse if he/she is championing a cause for his/her own agenda, because that wouldn't just mean that it's all done without love...it means that it's done with the intent to fool you. it's pretty close to malice.

just think about why you do the things you do. are you doing them because you want to? maybe your actions are justified by the intense hate you have for something. or are you just going through the motions, without any emotion, just for the heck of it?

what about the things you see people doing? do you sense their sincerity? or is there apathy in their actions? what about that unfortunate bit of malice? would your opinions of them change once you know the real reasons, or even the lack of reasons, behind everything they do?

i'm sure we're all looking for love in every act that comes our way, and in everything we do. why let the opposite happen? why give apathy a chance?

lishun at 10:19 PM

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

oh no

something struck me today.

i'm gonna be immortalised in imu as "the chicken cheer girl".

it wasn't even original.

oh no.

lishun at 5:01 PM

Sunday, March 26, 2006

nerd wannabe

in primary school, i was in a band playing the "tak-tak-um-tak" (i dunno what it's called), sang in the choir, learnt to play the alto recorder, did choral speaking, represented my school for netball and handball, participated in the star's news in education newspaper competition, helped arrange my class' page in the yearbook and was the assistant head prefect.

in secondary school, i was in the english lit club, led a company of girl guides, became the drill sergeant for the rangers, wrote for the editorial board, joined BRATs, was selected as head prefect and went to the school prom.

in college, i wrote for the college newsletter, was a student leader in the asean committee, helped out with the house council, became a librarian and was the rep for the asean scholars at my college.

in uni, i'm doing a mime for easter, counted shit loads of money for book orders, tried debating, volunteered to help out with the recruitment drive - for TWO clubs, no less, have discipleship cell every week, am in the ushering ministry at church, and, if i had the money and the company, would have gotten tickets to the ball.

but sometimes all i really wanna be is a nerd who has no time for nothing but her books. it's so so easy to be invisible and have no responsibilities other than the one everyone has towards their parents: to ensure that their investments into your education will not go to waste. it means you're not accountable to anyone other than your parents, yourself and, if you believe, God.

i don't know. for the last week i found myself being responsible for everything and everyone except myself, my parents and God. i ran around without taking a single sip of water (my friends in college called me a desert rat with really long loops of henle in my nephrons), i didn't have time to pray, i wasn't home to give my mother the support she needs now that she's taking insulin shots, and i certainly wasn't studying or doing my elective report, or anything else i was supposed to do.

of course this is all part of the "grass is greener" syndrome. if i did indeed choose to withdraw into the shell of books and studies and no other responsibilities, i would be moaning about my lack of a so-called "life". if i had all the spare energy a nerd undoubtedly has stored somewhere, i would lament the limited channels into which that energy could be directed.

at this moment, however - with my notes, microbio book and unfinished elective report in front of me and the thoughts of cell, recruitment drive, easter and the international book fair in my head - all i seriously wanna do is run away and hide from the world.

i just wanna be a first-rate nerd.

lishun at 11:21 AM

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

a question of faith

"can you please pray for her? just pray that God will open her heart and open my eyes so i can see how i can reach out and talk to her."

she had trouble talking to her housemate. yet, she had such faith that God will help her find a way to overcome that difficulty, faith to stop me before i got into my car and ask me to pray for her housemate.

i have to confess that i find it hard to pray. i talk to God every moment i feel prompted to, but i'm not one to kneel by my bed, close my eyes, and clasp my hands in prayer every night.

although it is partly a matter of lack of discipline, but i know the main problem is my lack of faith. i've always been mostly self-sufficient and, as desperate as i am to achieve it, i find it incredibly difficult to have faith in God, to have faith that He is there and that He hears me.

when my friends and i pray together before exams, there is still space in my mind to house a little doubt. the skeptic in me says, "why on earth are you trusting God to see you through? you know how much you studied for this. you'll reap what you sowed. if you did well, it would be because of your diligence. if you didn't do well, you know there's no one but yourself to blame."

even now, as i look dismally at my over-packed schedule, i know in theory that the one and only way for me to make it through not only unscathed but also achieving nothing short of excellence is to lay down all my burdens before God and have faith that He will see me through. i can only wade across this sea of responsibility if i surrender my pride at His feet and admit that i cannot possibly do it by my own strength.

it's just so so hard to do that. this prideful heart still thinks she can make it on her own. and it devastates me. which is why i've been so irritable these days. i am just overwhelmed by the things i need to do.

i am constantly touched by people like my friend who asked me to pray for her housemate. today at cf, a psychologist came and said that he felt God was challenging us to go all out for Him and have faith that He will pave the way. after cf, i was having a chat with some friends and i told them that i am afraid that i will never be able to get married and have a family if i pursue my dream of working for the UN or any other NGO in the future. my senior put her hand on my shoulder and said, "God will provide."

yes, God will provide. i've seen Him do it. i've heard testimonies from people who have sacrificed everything to go where God has commanded them to go, with nothing but faith to see them through. and they've made it.

i know it, i've seen it, i've heard it. so what's stopping me from putting it into practice? why is it so hard?

if i could but have one quarter of the faith my friend displayed today, i know i will never have room for doubt ever again.

lishun at 11:25 PM

Sunday, March 19, 2006

...and so...

...and so we won 3 out of 4. because the powers that be liked us and decided to prove deborah's statement that there will be teams worse than us. she forgot to mention that she can be pretty good too. probably saved our asses, she did.

i know i said that i wish i can take back every word i typed in the last couple of posts, but i really do have to say that at the time i felt terribly wronged.

first of all, i lost something i entrusted to people. i even left instructions as to how i would like it returned. i said that it wasn't its material value that worried me, it was the sentimental value. practically everything was a gift from my sister.

secondly, i felt it was horribly unfair to push me into a situation i was neither prepared for nor comfortable with. even if there were people who came to tell me how they were forced into debating by their teachers or friends, the fact is they still got some training before they had to go into an actual tournament. i felt that whole childish, "this is not what i signed up for!" feeling and you cannot really blame me for freaking out and losing my mind on friday night.

having said that, fine, thank God deborah was right.

actually it's all thanks and praise to God that i even made it through this weekend with my head intact. i felt like ripping my hair off almost every time i thought about how irresponsible people are. i would have rather gouged my eyes out than convince people that assasinating extremist political leaders is justified.

i was praying and pleading for strength and calm throughout the entire weekend, especially after reading motion after incomprehensible motion, and all i can say is that God indeed does not forsake me. no matter how ridiculous my panic and fear can be. praise God!

well, at least i can now add debating to the list of "things-i-can-do-but-just-not-well-enough-to-speak-of", along with cross-stitching, writing slogans and playing handball.

anyway, sem2 starts tomorrow. we'll be having a briefing, an intro lecture and pbl1. sigh. time to get back into the groove of things. right now, i'm gonna go off to watch some telly and catch a footie match as a form of pre-stress destressing. right. seeya.

lishun at 8:25 PM

Saturday, March 18, 2006

headache sial.

i know i've been super grouchy for the past two days. it really isn't my fault that people have pissed me off, though it is my fault for saying, or in this case blogging, things while still caught up in the initial passion.

if there is anything i allow myself to regret - and i don't regret alot of things although there are plenty of things that i could be bitter about - it is spouting words in anger.

anyway, i have a headache at the moment. am overwhelmed by the depth of knowledge required to debate. not that i didn't know, but for someone like me who is a jack-of-all-trades and a trivia mistress, depth isn't exactly something i am used to. i can tell you stupid stuff like why the sky is blue, but ask me about the events leading up to the political unrest in thailand and i'm clueless. gah.

it feels like a bad pre-alevels nightmare...the one where i fall asleep during my gp paper and have to come up with an argumentative essay on the pros and cons of communism in 15 minutes. debating is like that. only it's not a dream.

i'm not sure if everyone feels this, but during every one of the three times i've debated in my whole entire life (and those three times occurred today), i had the most sickening, churning feeling in my stomach. i would be a liar if i told you i liked it. debaters must be super sadists to be able to enjoy the so-called "rush" of out it. gah.

well, to be totally honest, reading up on possible topics for the last round tomorrow is the last thing i want to do right now. my competitive side is telling me to just read something while the really-sleepy-with-headache side of me is saying, "go to bed."

gawd i cannot believe we freaking won 2 rounds lah! good grief.

lishun at 10:24 PM

Friday, March 17, 2006

spelling it

i don't get it.

i said it. i showed it. i nervously joked about it.

but i meant it.

and you didn't get it.

maybe i should spell it.

i.d.o.n.o.t.f.u.c.k.i.n.g.w.a.n.t.t.o.d.o.i.t.d.a.m.n.i.t.

lishun at 11:33 PM

Thursday, March 16, 2006

only one apology here

*edit: there is only one apology here and it goes out to jc. sorry for all the trouble. i am grateful for your efforts to help me. thank you very very much. =)

---

the thing is...i trusted you.

i trusted that you would use what's mine but treat it like it was yours. i specifically said that i wanted you to look after it properly and return it to me safely.

exactly which part of that request included "you can go ahead and leave it anywhere you want and not even check if it was kept properly or that it would be back in my hands as soon as possible"?

what the f**king hell happened to respect for other people's property?!

sometimes i wonder why i even bother helping people. why on earth should i respect people or trust them or have faith in them when they don't even give a damn about me?

but then i remember that it's my fault in the first place for being nice. being nice is like walking around with a huge, colourful neon signboard that says, "please, take me for granted."

i'm nice what. that means i don't have feelings, i don't have a temper, i will forgive you all the time, and i don't know the meaning of impatience.

it also means that when i do lose my temper, when i reach my limit of tolerance or if, God forbid, i get *gasp* offended, i am the one who has to apologise because i made you uncomfortable during that one moment of escaped rage.

of course i owe it to you to suppress my anger everytime anyone disappoints me. i owe it to you to feel sorry eventhough i have every f**king right to be mad. i owe it to you.

because i'm nice.

and now you're thinking, "why is she being so unfair and blaming it on me?" well, the truth is, it's not your fault. not completely anyway.

it's never totally one person's fault because everytime you point your finger at someone, some of the blame shifts to them. and when that person points at someone else, some more of the blame moves on to that other person. and so it goes, on and on, until the blame is diluted and shared among not just you, but a dozen or so other people.

so no, it's not your fault. it's partly her fault too. and maybe his, or hers, and even their fault.

but i hope that you, you, you, you, and you will at least have one sleepless night, retracing the events of that night, trying to remember where you left it, who you gave it to and what you could have changed to have been more responsible, more careful and more mindful of my parting words that night; that simple task to return what's mine to me safely.

i hope you do. because i don't even have the opportunity to do that. i trusted you to be my eyes and my hands that night. did you deserve that trust?

obviously you didn't.

*note: i almost wanted to put in a apology here. for swearing, maybe. a disclaimer, maybe, that i don't intend to offend anyone. that i'm just stressed because this has been one tough week. but i am not going to make any excuses for myself or for anyone, and i'm definitely not going to apologise. i am f**king pissed and for the first time in two (three?) years, i am actually saying that i am, indeed, f**king pissed at you and everyone else you want to share the blame with.

lishun at 9:36 PM

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

undecided

you see, the plan is, i'm not supposed to "clash" with anyone. she will take one, he will take one, they will take one each and if i take one of the vacant spots, we can go sell ourselves as one unit and it will make everything so much easier. right? sounds great right?

but why should i be the one to give in and say, alright since you guys have already the parts that i want, i shall take whatever remains? it's like being the weakest of a caveman family - everyone else gets the choice cuts off a freshly-killed deer and i will be the one who has to eat the hooves because it'd be easier to discard of the bones without the extra weight of the hooves.

it's not exactly in my nature to fight for what i want. unfortunately i take after my mother, who is a people-pleaser through and through. if fighting means hurting people, making enemies and being caught in slander, i would much rather be comfortable with a position where i can watch the mayhem, but be left alone to carry out my responsibilities.

i'd make a lousy politician.

i have been lucky, then, to have never been in a position where i've had to fight for what i want. you see, i believe in working hard. if i get rewarded for my efforts, great. if i am denied any recognition, i know that God knows. so far, i've been fortunate to have been given some kind of acknowledgement for almost everything i've done. all based on the result, nothing else, just like how it should always be.

however, i guess this time it will be different. if i choose to take on the challenge, there will be two paths to pick from.

the walk in the park: take the hooves, be unsatisfied, but happy that the rest of the family is able to throw the bones away easily.

the not-so-easy path: fight for what i feel i should get, with no clue as to how it should be done, or whether it will be worth the risk at the end.

i'm still undecided.

lishun at 7:51 AM

Saturday, March 11, 2006

i look like a drummer, hah!

*scene: outside the lrt station, while waiting for my mother to pick me up.

stranger: (taps me on shoulder) hey, do you play drums?
me: erm, no. why?
stranger: oh a friend of mine is looking for a female drummer. you look like someone who plays drums.
me: really? oh ok. i don't even know how to hold drumsticks, actually. other than chicken drumsticks la.
stranger: hmm, ok. nevermind then. (walks away)

erm. i look like someone who plays drums? really? i'm that funky? what next? i'll get approached by someone who's looking for a female bassist?! wow. i don't look as nerdy as i think i do. haha.

lishun at 10:53 PM

Thursday, March 09, 2006

masculine voices

it's strange that the voices i love most are male. after all, i was practically raised on my mother's sweet mezzo soprano. she sang the old chinese classics almost every day and my childhood is not complete without her voice lingering in the background.

my father sang too, although his contributions to my musical background are mostly gruff renditions of hokkien songs. a favourite story in my family is the tale of how my sister couldn't stop crying one day and, out of frustration, my father launched into song, startling my sister so much that she promptly stopped wailing.

to be fair, my father has never gone out of tune whenever he sings. i am ever grateful for the fact that both my parents are not tone-deaf. thank God!

however, i am more fascinated with the male voice than the voices of the great divas of the world. if i were ever to do a meme listing out my favourite voices, the top 5 would all be male. i can stand to listen to an entire pavarotti concert but never will i be able to endure dame kiri te kanawa. no, never.

and i can even remember the first time i've ever heard josh groban sing. it was late one night when my parents were out and i was the only one at home. i sat at the dinner table, revising biology, and the telly was tuned to mtv. suddenly i heard the most heavenly voice sing "who can say for certain? maybe you're still here" and i immediately left the table to take a look at the man with that divine voice.

for the duration of the song, i was lifted off my feet. i remember feeling a little disorientated when the song ended, but i managed to keep my head on long enough to write down the title of the song. it's still there in my book. "to where you are" - josh groban. *note: download it tonight!

watching the boys sing on american idol tonight made me think about the other male voices i love. frank sinatra, elvis presley, paul mccartney, steven tyler, sting, clay aiken, harry connick, jr...

i love harry connick, jr. i first heard him on the soundtrack to "when harry met sally". that soundtrack kept me company throughout my study sessions in my college library. i remember wondering, "how the hell i could have missed this guy?" he plays brilliant piano and sings brilliant songs. how the hell could i have missed this guy? i've been an ardent fan since. it was heartbreaking to realise that i simply could not afford the RM210 needed to purchase a ticket to his concert in kl.

anyway, there isn't much point to this post. it's ridiculous that i am blogging so much and have been blogging so much since my move to blogspot. i guess the fear of losing yet another blog has somehow driven me to type out my thoughts as fast as they come.

having said that...i really hope a male contestant wins american idol this season!

lishun at 10:41 PM

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

secret divine secrets

God knows how to love, Kiddo. The rest of us are only good actors.

Forget love. Try good manners.

- Vivi Abbott Walker

(from "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" by Rebecca Wells)

one of the luxuries of life that i sorely miss every time lessons start is the ability to indulge in a good novel while i'm locked up in my room, a cup of cold milo on my bedside table. i've read several novels during this current break, but none of touched me as much as the one i've just finished yesterday.

i bought "divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood" during the times bookshop warehouse sale. i first saw the book in my college library, but never got around to borrowing it. it never left my mind, though, and when i saw it on sale for just rm8 at the warehouse sale, i chucked it into my shopping basket.

i'm sure you'd have guessed from the title that it's about friends who are sisters, daughters, mothers and the other people surrounding the universe we all make for ourselves.

normally i don't like books about mothers and daughters because they remind me that there is still so much of my mother i don't know about. they also remind me that the time i have to find out more about her is running out.

everytime i sit opposite her at dinner, i can't help but notice how thin she's become. i can see the notches on her sternum where her ribs join the breastbone. years ago, she used to tell me that she prides herself on the fact that her collarbones cannot be seen because her flesh rounds out her upper chest. i used to tell her that i am proud of my own defined collarbones. now, hers jut out far more than mine.

however, "divine secrets" gave me a more gentle reminder than most mother-daughter books. i can't even bear to read amy tan these days, but i knew i had read a good book because the moment i finished reading the last page, the only thing i wanted to do was flip the book over and start from the beginning again.

anyway, the phrase that really caught me was "God knows how to love, Kiddo. The rest of us are only good actors", written by vivi in a letter to her daughter, sidda, when sidda announced that she was postponing her wedding because she didn't know how to love.

when i read that phrase it just jolted me because i have never thought of it that way. i've read hundreds of books with endearing phrases and gorgeous use of language but never have i come across a description of love as something only God knows how to do.

but it's kinda true, isn't it? none of us can truly know what love is because we were separated from love the moment eve took the bite out of the apple. all we can do is try to get back to love, imitate it the best we can, know and believe that we are made in the image of love...but the truth is, none of us really know how to love. we can only attempt to.

i was saddened by that phrase. you mean we're only actors? isn't that just miserable? so what are we doing when we care about the people we...love? does that mean that when we say "i love you", it's not entirely true?

i'm not really sure how that phrase is supposed to impact me. it made a mark on me and i feel changed, somewhat. maybe because although the character who wrote those words was a bourbon-guzzling, cigarette-smoking one-time child-abuser, i felt that when she wrote those words to her confused daughter, she knew exactly what they meant.

it's just that vivi walker, or rather rebecca wells, decided to obscure the true meaning from the reader, to leave it subject to interpretation. i wish she laid it out in the open.

lishun at 8:59 PM

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

service with a smile? what smile?

i don't write social/economic/political commentary pieces. despite being the daughter of a man who was very much involved in all those fields, i don't have enough interest to read up and equip myself with the knowledge necessary to tackle anything close to "serious". besides, 21-yr-olds all over malaysia already have vincent to go talk serious stuff in the blogosphere on our behalf.

however, i can't let this one go.

i was at the mppj office today to renew my dog's license. having waited close to 30mins at the hq just to pay the RM10 required, i was frustrated to find out that i had to go 5 blocks across the road to the mppj building to collect the license itself. the cashier told me it was because last week, there was a long line of people waiting to renew their licenses at the hq and they felt rather shorthanded. so they gave the task of giving out the licenses to their neighbours.

pretty idiotic if you ask me. while i believe they didn't mean to make our lives miserable on purpose, it is ridiculous to make people pay in one building, then drive/walk 500m to collect what they paid for in a different building. shorthanded or not, that is not a very wise way of increasing efficiency. actually makes people far more disgruntled and more unsatisfied.

anyway, my mum and i went over to the mppj building. i took the lift up to the 16th floor, walked into the collection office...and saw about 10 people cramped in a tiny office, in two lines, leading to two open counters.

the funny thing was...there were chairs in that tiny office, which made it even tinier. and to make it worse, no queue numbers were given out, forcing the people to stand in line while waiting for their turn. so much for the chairs, huh?

one woman in the line looked clearly uncomfortable. she carried a tote bag in one hand and her young daughter in the other. the arm cradling her child got pretty tired and she had to let the girl go several times while she adjusted the weight of her bag. the little girl cried every time she was released from her mother's arm. the woman seemed to age years in the 15 minutes i waited in line with her. she was tired, but she couldn't sit with her child on her lap because there were no queue numbers.

when her turn finally came, she told the officer on duty about her plight. turns out that for the last 2 years, a restaurant operator has been using her home address as the mailing address for bills and business registration. as a result, the license renewal notices have been sent to her house instead of the restaurant operator's address.

it was a small mistake with numbers. her house was no.108 while the restaurant was no.018. it was a small mistake that has caused her two years of pain. the bills and license notices kept coming for 2 years. she's travelled to the mppj office countless times, pleading for help. she's written countless letters. she lives 40mins away from pj and everytime she comes to mppj, she has to bring her small children with her.

i could tell she wasn't very well-educated. the officer on duty explained that she has to photostat more copies of the documents she's brought, that she has to write more letters explaining her problem clearly, that her last few letters and the documents she last sent them weren't explicit enough for them to fully understand so they couldn't take proper action.

so there you have a middle-aged woman with young kids. she looks like she comes from a middle-income family. she has to take a 40min taxi ride every time she goes to mppj for help. even without the petrol price hike, God knows how much she has to fork out for every trip. when waiting in line, she can't even sit down while waiting for her turn. and all the officers can tell her is "write more letters, do more paperwork, then come back again. we can't do anything for you because you haven't filled in forms A, B1, B4 and C2."

she couldn't even voice her frustrations because the people waiting in line behind her were clicking their tongues on their teeth impatiently with every passing second.

i happened to get into the lift the same time she did. her face was worn with exhaustion and her voice was weary as she told me all her worries. i wanted to call my mother and ask her to go home first so i could stay and help this woman get her paperwork done so she'll never have to worry about the bills, licenses and restaurant operator who wouldn't cooperate.

but i didn't. and somehow i can't really forgive myself for doing that.

it's such a bitch to have to do paperwork when you're clueless. i know because i've been through it before. i'm just fortunate to have parents who have worked long enough with the government to know just what kind of paperwork they need and what kind of urging needs to be done to get things done.

but what about the people who don't know? what happened to caring customer service? we're kidding ourselves when we say we're a caring society. service with a smile. i didn't see anyone smiling when i paid for my dog license. the guy behind the counter didn't smile or even try to reassure the woman when she went to him for help.

while the government talks about helping the lower working classes by doing this and doing that, the most basic thing everyone needs but doesn't get is the reassuring feeling that yes, we are really being helped because we are cared for. how can anyone trust anyone who doesn't exactly express their concern?

lishun at 2:53 PM

Monday, March 06, 2006

forgive me, for i am stressed

it's no secret that i get stressed very easily.

in secondary school, i got stressed when prefects showed up late for duty, didn't wear their uniforms properly, or let their attention wander during meetings. i got worked up if deadlines were not met and when teachers made even the slightest complaint about prefects.

with my friends, i never got a moments' rest until dinner plans were finalised and party details were worked out properly. if my pals dilly-dallied, i seethed inside and struggled to calm myself down and wait for them to make up their minds.

even now, people describe me as "stressed out", although i know i have gotten better at keeping my composure.

in college, i learnt how to push my boiling point farther and farther away from reach. there, people didn't know me as well as my childhood friends did and the only way for me to make friends was to just take larger gulps whenever i feel the old bits of rage and panic come creeping up my throat.

it's early march and i know that a season of stress will be coming upon me very soon. last week i felt almost ready to scream just because i was uncomfortable with the last-minute preparations of my orientation group. this morning, i was reluctant to climb out of bed because i have a storyboard to present on saturday and am facing the prospect of having no tech-savvy team behind me to help produce a decent video, fit to be seen by 200 pairs of eyes in may.

in two weeks, i will be back in uni, wading through a sea of unfamiliar terms all over again...while trying to balance my ambitions, God's plans, and my selfish desires for nothing but contentment all at once.

being stressed is just a part of who i am. i sprouted white hairs the moment i traded in my navy pinafore for a blue shirt and red tie in primary school. never have i regretted that trade-in although it caused stress levels to always run high in my blood. despite holding out for so many years and keeping the sharp bursts of steam to a minimum, i still have no idea where exactly my breaking point is.

the good news is, i have gotten better at keeping things under control. the bad news is, i'm most likely going to be pretty touchy at least till may. do forgive me, alright?

lishun at 6:52 PM

Sunday, March 05, 2006

"nice" is a synonym for...

and the whole "nice" debacle goes on.

friend: nice guys finish last. that's why they save the best for last. according to one of my girl friends "experienced" in that area, nice guys are what they go for in the long run.

me: of course la. why would anyone like guys who aren't "nice"?

friend: but not initially because they wanna flirt with the not-so-nice boy. have some "fun".

me: not initially? then the guys attached now are not nice la izzit?

friend: hehe i dunno. not so gentlemanly perhaps.

me: i think it's the nice guys who get the girls first because the one and only thing girls will definitely like is a guy who is nice to them lor.

friend: but nice can be boring.

me: ok, so maybe nice and spontaneous would be the right combination?

friend: yeah, i've got alot of girls telling me the same thing. but then i managed to attract a very spontaneous girl, without being spontaneous at all.

me: waaaaah. cool. =) well done! yeah la...so both of you are nice but because at least one person is spontaneous it might just work. honestly though, do guys hate it if they're labelled as "nice"?

friend: not really, but it depends on who says it and how they say it. it's better than nothing at all.

me: what if there's a girl you really like and she tells people that you're "nice"?

friend: aha that's where everything comes into play lor. hmm...somehow "nice" doesn't mean anything. basically it's not a very good estimate of how she feels about me.

me: but "nice" wor. i mean how do you want people to describe you, as opposed to "nice"? doesn't nice cover everything?

friend: does it? maybe that's the problem. it's too general. there's gotta be that "x-factor" to attract someone. besides, anyone can learn to be "nice".

me: ok. so being called "nice" isn't exactly a so-called death sentence, but it borders on boring. therefore everyone should have an "x-factor"?

friend: isn't that what differentiates one person from another? it makes us unique what right?

---

so i agree that "nice" is much too general to mean anything. perhaps i haven't had a single, to use that so-elementary-school term, crush on anyone for ages because i think everyone is "nice". no one's stood out so far. no great x-factor has caught my eye.

fine. my junior was somewhat right. somewhat.

one question remains though...what does "nice" mean if a guy says that a girl is "nice" then?

lishun at 1:58 PM

Friday, March 03, 2006

nice guys finish...

*scene: a conversation in the students' lounge about...people

me: i think he's a really nice guy

junior: nooooo..."nice" is the last thing i want any girl to describe me as.

me: hargh why?

junior: because when a girl calls me nice, it means she doesn't think i'll have a chance with her romantically.

senior: hargh? what kind of theory is that?

junior: it's true! (turning to me) think about it. when was the last time you ever had feelings for a guy you've described as "nice".

me: (to myself) i haven't had feelings for any guy for like ages la how would i know? (to junior) i'm sure it's happened. i describe alot of guys as "nice".

junior: and you've never had any feelings for them right?

senior: then? what if a guy says that a girl is "a nice girl".

junior: it's different for guys la. when they say a girl is "nice", it means something else.

me: then? what about "pleasant"?

junior: it's the same as "nice".

me: then?!

senior: ???

junior: *smug because he's rendered us speechless with his theory*

i dunno. do nice guys really finish last?

lishun at 9:57 PM