lishun's musings

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

rants

look. if you don't use the freaking indicator light, i will not let you cut into my line, ok?

look. if my indicator light has been on for about a minute and i'm on your right, freaking let me into your line, caaaaaan?

look. a message with a question in it usually means i expect an answer. so reply, damnit.

look. i am trying my best to make sure you do your best too, so forgive me if i get really pissed off that you can't get the freaking point.

...*sigh*

lishun at 10:47 PM

Sunday, October 29, 2006

predictable

yesterday, ed lili deb and i met up at our favourite haunt in sunway pyramid - secret recipe - to celebrate edandlil's bdays. ok fine, we settled on secret recipe mainly because we're creatures of habit and not because we really like the place or whatever, but that's not the point of this post. (*edit: or is it?)

anyway.

as i was pulling into the parking lot at pyramid, i received an sms from ed.

"i'm here already. just let me know when you guys are here"

so the moment i found a parking space, i texted ed back, asking where he was. didn't really need an answer because i bumped into him the moment i walked into the shopping complex. since we were about 30mins early, we decided to run a couple of errands and walk around a bit while waiting for debandlil to arrive and had a bit of a chat.

me: so will debandlil sms you when they get here? you sent them the same sms, right?
ed: err, well no. actually i only smsed you.
me: huh?
ed: you see, i kinda figured you'd be early and they'd be late. so i texted only you.
me: how did you know that i'd be early?
ed: you're...how can i put this in a good way? you're predictable.
me: ???
ed: i knew that wouldn't be a good way to put it.

good grief.

i'm...predictable. as in the synonym for all things dull, unexciting, not spontaneous, uninteresting, foreseeable.

ok fine, predictable also means being reliable, dependable and prepared; but when someone calls you "predictable", the first thing that comes to your mind is not all the positive aspects of it. the first thing that hits you is the horror of realising that people think you're, God forbid, boring.

this is terrible. as much as i enjoy the security in having a certain routine in my life, i welcome change once in a while. for example, i dislike the drone of an outing that consists of a-movie-lunch-and-window-shopping. i much prefer the unpredicatability of a trip like the one lili sueann and i went on last thursday - we went to the national art gallery (it was closed) and the petronas gallery (also closed) and the south china sea shipwreck antique pottery display at aquaria (open!).

ok fine we did end up window shopping, but what i enjoyed most about it was that nothing really went according to plan. we ended up camwhoring at the empty art gallery and making noise at the antique pottery display. when we went home, we missed the exit to the federal highway and ended up getting on the kesas highway. via the imu exit. funny.

unpredictability equals fun. being predictable means eventually blending into the grey background of everyone's lives, gradually losing one's identity and being very easily taken for granted.

i didn't really take offense at what edward said yesterday. in a way, he's right. i'm hardly ever late for anything, choosing instead to be early most of the time. it's actually kind of flattering that he remembers that i'm usually there before anyone else arrives.

it still makes me wonder though...if people think i'm predictable, does that mean i've already blended too much into the grey background?

lishun at 6:25 PM

Saturday, October 28, 2006

jealousy vs loyalty

a couple of months ago, my father got himself a swanky new phone and i blogged about this.

about three weeks ago, i took a picture of my "trusty 4-yr-old second hand nokia 8310, with a glitch in the lcd screen, that i bought with my own dough in singapore because i got my first phone stolen 3 months into the school year".

loyalty

note that i named it "loyalty".

just last night, my mother interrupted my pseudo-studying to inform me that my father saw another swanky new phone, released early this year, that is now on sale for less than half its original retail price. apparently he fell in love with it but, having bought his new phone just two months ago, did not want to get it for himself.

so, he thought of me. but he's kinda reluctant about buying it for me because he thinks that i mistreat my belongings (i'm just a clumsy procrastinator, honest!). but he *might* get it for me anyway. but he's not sure yet. but he might.

and you know what the weird thing is? i'm not sure if i want it. lishun, you fickle creature.

lishun at 10:29 AM

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

i should have...

...gone to study at coffee bean.

sigh.

but that would have meant setting myself back at least RM7 a day spent on the obligatory small latte.

hmm.

but not going meant that i wasted 5 perfectly good mugging days.

and my finals are in 2 months.

*sigh*

lishun at 4:41 PM

Monday, October 23, 2006

mural mural on my wall

i've wanted to do this for a long, long time now.

i finally painted the miserable blank white wall behind my bed!

here's what my room looked like before:

if it weren't for the huge arse "memoirs of a geisha" movie poster kamigoroshi gave me, the wall would have been perfectly blank. and sad.

and here's what it looks like now:

it took me about 2 hours to get the whole thing done, from sketching the design on paper to putting the finishing touches on the wall. here's what i did:

top (l-r):
1. i "borrowed" the design off francey.org (the designer of my blog template)
2. made a couple of changes, since i was only using two colours
3. transferred the design onto the wall
middle (l-r):
4. taped off some crucial areas
5. spray paint (because paint-in-cans were too expensive) and brushes
6. halfway there
bottom (l-r):
7. almost red-dy
8. the turquoise highlights
9. signing off!

i was very very apprehensive about painting the wall, despite wanting to do it for a long time. but i remembered what i said earlier about taking little steps and taking little risks, so decided to go ahead with it. having said that, it wasn't any less difficult applying that very first patch of paint on my wall. it was the point of no return.

things became much easier after that. i finished dinner in 5mins flat because i wanted so badly to complete the mural.

once i was done, i felt a sense of satisfaction i have never felt before.

my parents still don't know that i painted the mural. they know i was painting something and they know i was, um, "up to no good", but they still have no idea what i've done to my wall. i didn't let them know because i knew that they wouldn't approve of it and i would still be unhappy about my blank white wall.

anyway, even if they end up hating the design, they can't do anything about it, other than get me to paint it white again. which i would gladly do because hey...at least i did it.

am happy. =)

lishun at 9:11 PM

legally hawt

i can't concentrate on my studies. i am watching too much daria on youtube. and i woke up this morning with a brainwave to do a shallow post on lawyers. so, um, here it is. heh.

commander harmon "harm" rabb - jag

harm is my absolute fave lawyer on the telly. ever. i used to watch jag just because i had a huge crush on him. lol. it must be the uniform or something, i dunno.

will froman - philly

will slept with one of the judges and then expected to be given special treatment because of that. righto. not the most ethical lawyer on telly (which tv lawyer's ethical anyway?), but a good one to drool at all the same. and yes, tom everett scott looks familiar because he played guy, the cool drummer dude, in "that thing you do".

billy alan thomas - ally mcbeal

he wasn't my fave character on "ally mcbeal" (ling woo *grwl* was) but he was probably the most sane person in cage, fish and associates. i adored the first love connection he had with ally. nauseatingly sweet. when billy died, i bawled my eyes out.

bobby donnell - the practice

gah. dylan mcdermott! 'nuff said.

---

i know. i'm getting lazy. so sue me! =P

lishun at 11:05 AM

Sunday, October 22, 2006

3Bs and a R

my sister and i like to joke that whenever my father suggests a trip out of kl/pj, it is always to one of the "3Bs": benta, batu pahat or bukit beruntung.

he enjoys going to benta because that was the first place my grandfather settled down in when he arrived in malaysia from china. my grandmother followed suit after a couple of years, kids in tow - my father, aged 8, and my uncle, who was a year younger. needless to say, the rest of the chua/tee family also settled in benta and some of my father's relatives still live there today.

batu pahat is kind of my second "hometown" (i don't actually have a hometown per se - direct family's all in kl/pj). my father spent his school years there, living with my grandmother's eldest brother. he grew up with his cousins and they remain close. one of them occupies the house my father lived in so many years ago and we never fail to pay them a visit every time we head down to batu pahat.

a couple of years ago, my father worked for the now defunct kolej aman. it was situated in bukit beruntung, and i remember the days when he had to make the 40min drive to the college every day. he didn't keep the job for too long and left for greener pastures soon after, but he still likes that place. we go there for lunch a couple of sundays a year.

well, today my father suggested we go to bukit beruntung. the groans from my sister and me were clearly audible. it was only this year that my parents decided to go a different "B" (bali) and i thought that would have cured my father's obsession with going to the 3Bs we are already so familiar with.

guess i was wrong.

anyway, usually i would opt out of these little trips to the 3Bs, citing studies and whatnot as an excuse to stay home. today, i decided to go. it's nice to spend time with my parents. i actually really miss them now that i treat my house like a hotel and hardly say three words to them every day.

when i think about it, i don't have too much time with my parents. it sounds like i am really eager to grow up (i'm not too thrilled about it actually) but really...i am going to place my studies progressively higher on the priority scale over the next couple of months and years. when i go out to work, i'll be working long shifts. if i do get married, i'd have a family of my own to worry about.

and while all of that goes on, my parents will not be growing any younger.

in the end, we didn't make it to bukit beruntung because of the horrible congestion on the highway. we turned off at rawang (hence the "R") and had a really great meal there instead.

although it was a very normal meal where my sister and i threw jokes at each other and my parents did the usual "what-are-you-going-to-do-in-the-future" interrogation with my bro-in-law, i enjoyed myself tremendously.

lishun at 7:02 PM

Friday, October 20, 2006

not brave enough

ask that cute guy out. raise my hand to ask a question. tell them i feel ignored. really fight for what i want. get the hairdresser to listen to me. apply for an internship. volunteer at spca. not hide under my jackets. dance without being self-conscious. be shameless. see the dean and ask for her help. completely make over my room. organise an easter concert in uni. go forward in absolute faith. tell my father i love him. write an article about the orphanages that don't get help. acknowledge my passions and start working on them.

i've played it safe for too long, and yet i just cannot bring myself to take risks. i can't do it alone and it irritates the hell out of me because i am freaking 21 for goodness' sake and i still can't act like the adult i am supposed to be. what happened to being independent enough to make my own decisions and chase my dreams? shouldn't i be complete by now? strong enough? smart enough? mature enough?

and yet i feel as if i could have made that postcard. i didn't, but i sure as hell could have.

lishun at 7:47 PM

Sunday, October 15, 2006

nett profit

as you know, i love taking photos. love it. i'm actually a very bad photographer (my sister can testify to that) but that's no longer an issue now that i have a digicam that allows me to take hundreds of photos at a time and grants me the power to delete any shots i dislike. and God bless photoshop, the most important invention to man since...since...sliced cheese.

vegans would disagree (and also suffer from vit B12 deficiency).

anyway, i decided to send some shots in for two photography competitions held in imu lately. imuers are nuts. there are people who literally have huge dslrs permanently stuck to their fingers (youknowwhoyouare) and these people produce really really cool pictures. but i sent in some pics anyway.

and guess what?

this baby won one of the 5 consolation prizes for the art competition!

i was elated, until i decided to sit down and calculate my actual winnings.

during the first photography competition, i submitted 5 shots. each photo costs RM3 to develop into 8R size. i didn't win anything the last time, so i ended up with a nett profit of -RM15.

this time around, still feeling the burn in my pocket, i decided to only submit three entries. that cost me RM9.

my consolation prize was worth RM25. so, after deducting the cost of developing all my competition entries, i have won a grand total of...

*drumroll*

RM1.

whoopee. -_-"

nevermind. at least can still buy me 2 evil money-suckers.

---

*edit: check this out. siapa nak pigi beritahu saya cepat!

lishun at 12:30 PM

Friday, October 13, 2006

girl in a car

some time ago, i saw a girl crying, alone, in her car. we were both stuck in an unusual crawl on a highway and happened to stop right next to each other.

she gripped the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles turned white. the tears that rolled down her cheeks fell onto her pretty white blouse, and every couple of seconds or so she brought her hand up to her face to rub the trails that remained on her skin.

although her face was scrunched up, her nose red and her hair matted against the dampness of her cheeks, i could tell that she wasn't a bad-looking girl. i couldn't help but wonder what drove her to cry in her car.

maybe she had a bad row with her parents, or perhaps she just split up with the first boy she's ever loved. there's the possibility that the grandfather who gave her her name had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, or that her pet dog died while she was having lectures in college.

but from the way she clenched her teeth and shook her head in between sobs, i could tell that she was crying tears of disappointment. she had let herself down.

---

there's nothing worse than disappointing no one else but yourself.

i cried in my car today.

i hope no one saw me.

lishun at 5:21 PM

Thursday, October 12, 2006

so...

...this is what "having moved on" (note: past tense) feels like.

pretty darn good, i must say.

at least i won't be cranky for tomorrow's bloody exam.

cheers.

---

m205: all the absolute best!

lishun at 11:05 PM

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

a little riddle

what are these?

wrong answer: curry puffs

correct answer: money-sucking pharyngitis-inducing little packages of drool-worthy spicy chickenandpotatoes in super flaky calorie-laden pastry that will be the one main reason i gain any weight after working so hard not to.

gah! o_O"

---

*note: available for 50sen each @ vincent's, imu.

lishun at 11:50 PM

Friday, October 06, 2006

a mid-autumn night's mourning

i'm home unusually early today. just 20mins after downing a nasi lemak ayam at the burger stall outside uni, i finished the last 2 pages of my chronic leukaemia notes and decided to go home.

it is the mid-autumn festival, after all.

i came home to an empty driveway and an empty house - save the domestic help, who was engrossed in the latest episode of her favourite malay soap opera. my father had some college thing to attend while my sis and mum are having a girls' night out, attending a chinese music charity concert.

it didn't used to be this way. mid-autumn's night used to be celebrated at either my house or one of my aunt/uncle's houses. we would have a potluck, eat a couple of slices of mooncake (i always went right for the ones with the egg yolks. cholesterol? what?) before heading out to the garden to light some candles, hang lanterns up and throw some gunpowder-laden thingamajigs on the floor. if my uncle from taiwan were back, he would smuggle in forbidden fireworks and we would light those too. my favourite were the cartwheels that spun around, casting multi-coloured sparks at my toes.

after a while, we would go back indoors and sing "happy birthday" to my grandmother.

she's not here anymore. she, the glue that kept my family together. just a little more than a year after her passing, we're already showing signs of succumbing to the pressures of life now that we no longer have that common woman to love and adore. who do we stay together for now?

i miss my grandmother, but tonight i am mourning my family. i miss us.

lishun at 8:46 PM

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

teach me

"teach me to love, this is my prayer -
may the compassion of Thy heart i share,
ready a cup of water to give,
may i unselfishly for others live."
- petersen

it's been a frustrating day.

after struggling with the catch-22 situation below - asking friends for advice about it, venting in the most polite way i could about it - i decided to just be supportive.

i was at wit's end when i stopped a friend and pleaded, "please, tell me how to love someone who doesn't love herself. tell me!"

her reply shocked me. "tell her to go and die lah." upon seeing the baffled look on my face (this friend might be no-nonsense, but she certainly has a heart!), she explained a little more gently, "i find it hard to continue loving people like that too. that's why we need the grace of God."

just a couple of hours ago, i was once again torn from my nightly mugging activities by a call. she sobbed her way through the whole conversation and i tried my best to calm her down. i'm not sure if it worked (i hope it did) but i was left drained when she hung up and i headed back to the library.

my mind was no longer on benign blood proliferative disorders, neither was it on my impending cvs physical examination practice tomorrow. i was just so tired and angry - tired, because it takes energy to channel optimism into a defeated soul; angry, because i once again fed her unsatiated appetite.

it was then that i screamed at God: why did He have to love me? why did He have to put His love in me and make sure i have a heart for people, whether or not i want to even like them? at that very moment, i wanted to be cruel and mean and not give a damn about whether or not she feels better and more motivated. it's so much easier to walk away.

but as i flipped angrily through "our daily bread", i came across the poem above in tomorrow's episode. "teach me", it says. i need to keep learning and practising and praying that no matter how much i want to hate, God's grace will make sure that i never lose that heart of love that came when He loved me.

may the compassion of Thy heart i share, Lord. teach me.

lishun at 10:06 PM

Monday, October 02, 2006

unsatiated

there was an episode of csi (i don't remember which one, which season) about a guy who literally ate himself to death. he ate so much that his stomach eventually ruptured, leaking its contents into his abdominal cavity. even if you aren't a medical student, you'd know that that isn't exactly good news.

through the autopsy and whatever tests they run in forensic labs, it was discovered that the guy had a condition where the satiety center (ventromedial hypothalamus - for all the sem5s ploughing through nervous system now) in his brain couldn't function the way it should, rendering him in constant hunger.

since his family could not afford the treatment required, all they could do is tie him up and ignore his pleas for food. he lived with his sister and her boyfriend when his parents died. they fed him three meals a day and spent the rest of the time listening to him moan and groan in hunger.

one day, when hungry boy's sister was away, her boyfriend saw an advertisement for an eating contest at the local fair, offering a prize of one thousand dollars. no surprises as to what he proceeded to do.

what he didn't count on was for hungry boy to escape (i dunno, maybe the fact that he weighed 300 pounds could have meant it'd be hard to pin him down, hmm?) and rampage through the fair, scarfing everything in sight, until he eventually died.

upon questioning by the csi gang, all the poor boyfriend could say was, "but he was so hungry. he was so hungry."

---

she's hungry and she cries about it. she moans, groans and constantly reminds people of her needs. they feed her as they deem fit, but it's never enough - her appetite is still unsatiated. so she finds ways to up her pity index, to the extent of hurting herself. it works sometimes, transiently. eventually people revert to the three meals a day and leave her tied, hungry and crying. so she raises the stakes again.

the only difference between her and the guy in csi (that rhymes!) is that while he has a physical pathological condition, her illness is more psychological than anything else. she's intelligent, fiercely outspoken...and she believes that self-destruction is the only way to satisfaction.

i didn't live with her all my life. it is impossible for me to ignore her cries the same way hungry boy's family managed to ignore him. although i know that all i am doing is feeding a hunger that cannot be satisfied, i still do it anyway because it's better than to wait for the day she she miscalculates, breaks free, goes all the way and let her hunger kill her.

i am giving positive reinforcement to negative behaviour (jambu would be so proud) but i have no idea what else to do. my head tells me to ignore her, stop feeding her and not let her manipulate me into giving her junk food. but my heart says i should be supportive anyway.

for the first time in my life, i see no compromise between the two; no middle road to take. what do i do now?

lishun at 10:08 PM

Sunday, October 01, 2006

it's not

it's not serious.

i wish there were some way it could possibly be, but it's not serious.

i don't even know the guy.

the self-affirmation was redundant because, well, i don't even know what he puts on repeat on his mp3 player so how could i change to suit his tastes in music anyway?

so really, it's not serious.

it'd be kinda nice if it were, though.

but it's not.

so goodnight.

lishun at 11:15 PM