Wednesday, November 29, 2006

learned helplessness

learned helplessness
a psychological condition in which a human or animal has learned to believe that it is helpless. it feels that it has no control over its situation and that whatever it does is futile. as a result it will stay passive when the situation is unpleasant or harmful.

for example:

i studied really hard for haemato. i could answer case questions before the exam. i panicked during the paper and was fortunate to pass. however, the situation led me to believe that it is futile to study hard because i will just scrape through anyway.

i studied really hard for gi. i can answer case questions now, before the exam. i am afraid i will panic during the paper and will once again barely scrape through. as a result, i am tempted to stay passive in this unpleasant and harmful situation.

that, ladies and gentlemen, especially those of you from sem1, is how you apply behavioural science.

but there's also this "God" figure in my life who tells me that learned helplessness, especially in my circumstances, is absolute bollocks. all i really need to do is surrender it all to Him instead of taking things into my own hands, like i did the last time. i was just so frustrated after respi that i broke down for haemato.

to tell you the truth, i've never been more stressed in my life. even that "episode" in jc2 doesn't come anywhere near this. i am pretty much close to giving up on my chances to change from a local to a twinning program.

i can't end this post with an encouraging "...but i will try anyway" simply because i would really much rather lie in bed all day tomorrow and screw up the ica, then have a holiday-ish 5 weeks before eos and screw that up too.

as selfish and temporary and insignificant this all is...your prayers are greatly appreciated still. thank you.

lishun at 10:42 PM

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

glorifying unfaithfulness

"it's really good to hear your voice saying my name
it sounds so sweet
coming from the lips of an angel
hearing those words it makes me weak
and i never wanna say goodbye
but girl you make it hard to be faithful
with the lips of an angel"
- "lips of an angel" by hinder


i swear...

if i hear that song, or any other song exalting the glory of being unfaithful towards one's partner, one more freaking time, i will tear my hair out.

when on earth has it become fashionable, romantic or even remotely acceptable to cheat on the person you supposedly "love"? tell me, because i must have missed the ceremony marking the event that has made being unfaithful, or just having thoughts of being unfaithful, something to be...admired.

i heard hinder's song at least 6 times on the radio today, rihanna's twice and gareth gates' once. call me a close-minded conservative, but i worry about the more impressionable young people out there who have those songs on "repeat" on their iPods.

exactly how much do we value our relationships these days, if we can sing along to songs like that without giving a second thought as to how wrong it all really is?

lishun at 11:16 PM

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Sunday, November 26, 2006

the one that got away

we're all familiar with "the fishing story". you know, the one where the fisherman goes out with his reel and rod, hoping to catch some big 'uns and earn bragging rights among his fellow fishing enthusiasts. he comes home with a bucket of average-sized fish, but his eyes are aglow with pride.

"what happened?" his friends ask.

his voice quivering with excitement, he explains, "let me tell you about the one that got away. it was *this* large and it almost jerked the rod right out of my hands..."

---

i have a story about "the one that got away". it got away because - in His own quirky, ironic way about doing His will - our paths crossed a year late. God could have folded the fabric of time so that every circumstance, as it is now, could have overlapped, with the start/end point shifted a year back. nothing needs to be changed, save the time frame. all God needed to do was reset time, wind it back and let us start at the same point.

if He did that, i might not have needed to write this blog post at all.

alas, like the fisherman who ended up with nothing but a story of missed chances and wrong timing, i have nothing to my name except an "aiyah" in my heart. i can't even pseudo-boast, cuz there wasn't any fish on my line to begin with.

anyway, i guess things like this happen for a reason. would we have regrets or daydreams otherwise? i might not have regrets, but at least i have my daydreams about the one that got away.

lishun at 9:22 AM

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

the point at which

"the point at which you give up will be the point at which you remain for the whole of your life." - brother alpha


of all the things that were said this week, that phrase has stayed with me ever since i first heard it.

this is not the point at which i want to be for the rest of my life. i don't know where exactly is the place that i do want to stay in forever, but this is certainly, absolutely not it. neither is that place. no, not there.

it just seems so impossible for me to even realign myself towards the future i want to go to. what makes it worse is my inability to hear You, to listen to Your wisdom, so i can obey.

this is not the point at which i am going to give up. but i don't know where to go.

---

you know you're lost when you put pen to paper and realise your well of words has all dried up. there isn't a poem in your heart, neither is there an impatient metaphor waiting inside. there's nothing but an obstinate pen that refuses to write.

sigh.

lishun at 11:21 PM

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

incongruent thoughts

last night, i flipped through one of my secondary school yearbooks, in search of the articles i contributed as a member of the editorial team. after jotting the titles of the stories i wrote into the list of my "published work", i turned to the back of the yearbook, where the seniors' pages were.

i found myself startled by how...recent the photographs looked. the cover of the yearbook said "memori 2001" but the faces of my seniors, the people i called my friends, looked as fresh as they were 5 years ago. maybe it was because of the flood of high school memories that overwhelmed me as i took in the smiles that were once so familiar to me. i felt like i was back in school again.

it made me wonder: where are they now?

today, as the semester 5 students of imu collected the results of the matching exercise that determined which university they would continue their clinical studies at for the next couple of years, i felt something - similar to the emotions i experienced last night - flow over me.

it made me wonder: where will they be?

last night i was thinking about the past. tonight, i find myself worrying about the future. well, not so much worrying, but more of a longing to find out how it would be like. my seniors have inched a step closer towards the future that i want to run into and embrace at this very moment. it frustrates me that i am still here, in the present, without anything except the faith that God is in control and there is nothing i can do but be humble and acknowledge that completely.

where am i now? where will i be?

lishun at 11:47 PM

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Sunday, November 19, 2006

two questions

last week, two people with the same name asked me two different questions that i didn't answer as satisfactorily as i wanted to.

things like that happen all the time. i'm just more comfortable with the keyboard or a pen than with my tongue and the 10 seconds it takes for my brain to think of something intelligent or witty to say before i actually say it. the end result is either me being really long-winded and boring, or the person i'm speaking to losing interest before i could come up with a decent answer.

anyway.

question #1: how do you let go of something that isn't yours?

it sounded incredibly suspiciously like a question related to unrequited love but, being someone who doesn't believe in digging into other people's business, i didn't ask for details.

my answer to the question was, "you just do it." needless to say, the enquiring party turned away in a huff, muttering something like "easier said than done, lor."

what i really meant was...you just do it, in any way you can, at every time you can. everything you do must be done with the intention to let it go. you do everything in your power to let it go. if you find yourself yearning for that something, you do something else to get it out of your mind.

after all, isn't the tenth commandment "thou shalt not covet"?

you don't just tell yourself to do it. you do it. you just do it.

question #2: would you be disappointed if you ever got an A- for your exams?

the simple answer is "yes". my guess is that the person who asked me that question went away with the impression that lishun is kiasu sial and a perfectionist who obviously defines success and happiness in a distorted manner.

good grades matter to me, but not because i pride myself on being a student who has never done badly or whatever. maintaining a nice report card was always about doing the very best i can. everytime i don't meet my expectations, and my expectations are always for the best, it means that there is something i need to improve on. i'm not limiting this to expectations towards my academic achievements - it encompasses every aspect of my life.

i want to do my best, and achieve my best as well. to do otherwise would be plain ungrateful.

and, contrary to people's beliefs, i am not a straight As student (though i wish i were). i'm just very good at pretending to be one.

alright. am a bit moody, i know. blame the hormones and the evening rain.

lishun at 6:00 PM

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Saturday, November 18, 2006

those five years

i usually make it a point to never regret anything that i've done.

i don't regret the 2 years i spent in singapore although it cost me a part of my scholarship. i don't regret choosing my church over another church although it cost me a couple of friendships. i don't regret being in imu although it means having to wait longer to pursue my studies overseas. i don't regret helping some people out although it means having to give a part of me to them reluctantly.

but i do kind of regret the five years in secondary school when i did close to zero physical activities...unless you count those post-exam shopping sessions at 1U as "physical activities".

those five years of sedentary living contributed to my hate for pe in college and now i feel as if it's too late for me to start all over again.

however, i actually want to give it another go.

that's pretty surprising because i am an egoistic person who enjoys being good at things and usually refrains from things i know i can do, but am not good at. it's the inferiority complex, what the chinese call "zi bei". it requires alot of humility and shamelessness to do things you aren't good at and probably never will be.

anyway, the fact that i regret those five years of inactivity bugs me quite a good bit. perhaps it's a good idea to start practicing the humility and courage that i have often encouraged others to take up in this aspect of my life.

who knows? maybe i might even get better at it.

*thinks*

naaaaaaaah.

---

had a great time today, at what i didn't know was the infinity milers' welcoming party. my total medal tally for my entire 21 years of life is now: 2. lol.

lishun at 11:43 AM

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

thrown away

almost everyone i know has a kind of security blanket they carry to bed every night. whether it be an actual blanket or something more along the lines of a "bantal busuk", the item would most probably be very worn out, stained with goodness-knows-what, and pretty offensive in general.

the world's most famous security blanket would have to be the blue flannel blanket that linus van pelt carries around in the "peanuts" comic strip. he could hardly stand a moment without it and would be willing to wrestle snoopy for it. it meant that much to him.

it's rather funny then, that my sort-of security blanket has "peanuts" characters on it.



this, ladies and gentlemen, was the blanket that i snuggled into every night from the age of 7. my parents bought it for me when we went over to hong kong because it was one of those comforters with a zip at the side where they could insert extra "stuffing" into once the weather got chilly.

my mother used to wrap me up like a tortilla in this blanket, taking great care to tuck the edges under me tightly every winter to keep the cold out. i was, and still am, very susceptible to respiratory infections so it was necessary to keep me as warm as possible. that blanket served its purpose well.

it flew back to malaysia with me when we returned, and i have been using it almost every night since. i had to leave my blue snoopy blanket behind when i left for singapore because...it doesn't really make sense to lug a huge, space-hogging piece of cloth all the way 300km south, no?

anyway, other than the 2 years i spent away from home, i have never slept a single night without my faithful old blanket.

it's no wonder then that it started falling apart this year. after more than 10 years of keeping me warm and fulfilling some kind of psychological need to be covered in order to feel safe enough to fall asleep, my blanket started to tear at the edges. then the cotton stuffing came out, and the seams around the zip began to rip.

finally, last week, i had to throw it away. it was just too disgusting to be used any longer.

it was surprisingly easy to dispose of. i mean, i thought i would have a linus-like attachment to the blanket that had served me well for so long. i thought that i'll miss the sight of "joe fifties" (obviously an imitation of snoopy's actual "joe cool" alter ego) before i close my eyes.



but all i did was inform my mother that my old blanket needed to be disposed of, took the blanket i used in singapore out of storage, sunned it, and used it that very night itself. it was that easy to say goodbye to something that i wrapped myself in every night as i grew up.

it's the first time i threw away something i treasured without feeling...anything. i just thought that rather odd and uncharacteristic of me.

...

goodbye.

lishun at 10:51 PM

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

another tip

how not to be a comments whore:

blog about how to be a comments whore and then don't follow own advice.

hmm.

that's all for today.

toodles again.

lishun at 6:35 PM

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Saturday, November 11, 2006

a tip

how to be a comments whore:

blog about your relationships (or lack thereof)

that's all for today.

toodles.

lishun at 4:58 PM

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Friday, November 10, 2006

randomness

in chronological order:

there were so many ways you could have responded to that outburst of immature injustice that was dealt to you by people you probably looked up to one time or another.

you could have said that their comments were unfair and that although they may not have intended to offend you, you were nonetheless hurt by their words. you could have also told them that despite what they said, they weren't in your shoes and hence could not possibly know the magnitude of effort you put into it, but that you know and you're proud of your achievements anyway.

you could have walked away being the more honourable party. but you didn't.

that's why i'm actually quite disappointed. you're better than that.

---

on second thought, it could be his mother.

if it were his girlfriend, it would make more sense to call her after the studying is done and he is lying comfortably in bed, longing to hear her voice before going to sleep. however, a call to his mother would have to be made before her favourite cantonese family drama comes on the telly at primetime, no?

so yeah. mother it is. lol.

---

no moonshine again this month. i chose to go home and finish up an impossible pbl instead. i hate the fact that i know how to prioritise. think of all the fun i could have had. bleh.

---

i didn't do well at all, but i didn't fail either. there were no tears of joy, but there were definitely tears of relief. this doesn't mean that i have lowered expectations for myself and will now be content with mediocrity. it just means that i live to see another day and will take up the chance to do better.

for that, i thank and praise God with all my heart.

but i never want to go through that kind of uncertainty ever again.

---

i will miss every single one of you when you leave. 2 more months.

lishun at 1:50 PM

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

hitchin' a ride



been feeling alot like this lately.

discontent.

restless.

really annoyed about things that are out of my control.

i want to take a ride out of here and go where the grass is greener, although i have a nagging suspicion that this is as good as it gets.

the car's never gonna come, is it?

lishun at 10:36 PM

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Friday, November 03, 2006

line busy

i knew someone in college who was known to be a tomboy. she stood next to lili and me during assembly and we became friends over mindless banter about what the teachers wore that day or whether the student council guy who said the prayers in the morning used old english ("...Thy mercies shalt not fade..."). he really did.

anyway, she spoke at a slightly higher volume than everyone else, didn't cross her legs when she sat down and basically did whatever she wanted, without caring if it were ladylike or not. that was what i liked about her. she wasn't afraid of being who she was.

one day, as we were having a bit of a break between classes, her phone rang and she picked it up. from the first "hello", i could immediately tell who called her. her normally husky voice changed as though she swallowed a lump of chalk (ref: brothers grimm's "wolf and the seven kids", you deprived-childhood-people). her tone was soft, sweet and very much unlike her normal speech. it was amazing.

when she hung up, i raised my eyebrows and asked, "boyfriend, ah?" the flush of her cheeks said it all.

---

you can tell alot about someone just by listening to the way they talk. if they're on the phone, you can even gather quite an amount of information about the person on the other line. we have a voice suited for every caller that comes through and, with the magic of caller id, it is no longer necessary to start off with a neutral voice before changing to the one you have assigned for the person who called you.

although the voice tells you plenty already, there are also other things that can clue you in as to what the two people conversing are like and what their relationship could be.

a call that comes in at a fixed time every day, without fail, is usually one's mother, wife or girlfriend. a call that goes out at a fixed time every day, without fail, is to one's mother, wife or girlfriend. only women - and psychotically jealous boyfriends that one should get a restraining order against, asap - demand things like calls at 9pm every night.

---

i don't think he's single. not anymore, at least.

unless he really loves his mother or is secretly married (also under "not single").

hmm.

lishun at 10:31 PM

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