lishun's musings

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

why i don't write fiction

he sauntered up to the bench i was sitting on and plopped the pile of magazines right next to me. he then dropped the big, black duffel bag he was carrying onto the floor before planting himself on the bench as well.

i stole a look from the corner of my eye. at first glance, he was very ordinary; late 50s, a little bent over, a few liver spots on his arms. however, there was something about him that made me look up from the novel i was reading ("we need to talk about kevin" by lionel shriver - quite a tiresome, if fascinating, read) and take a good look at him.

he had a familiar shock of white hair and he wore a faded, checkered maroon shirt. his eyes were sad and large and the brief moment my eyes met his, a flash of recognition went through his face.

if he really did recognise me, he sure didn't show it. he just started reading the magazines he brought with him. at one point, he took out a large magnifying glass so he could further scrutinise some photographs. he then polished the glass before returning it to its suede cover and continued reading whatever gossip was on the page where he left off.

i couldn't help but stare at him, just to be sure he was who i thought he was. he didn't seem to notice my attention although, when he finally got up to leave, i felt as if he was annoyed by my presence.

to be honest, i was rather relieved when he left. the shock of seeing him again after such a long time, especially so far from the place where i originally met him, was unexpectedly overwhelming.

maybe it was because i remembered how scared i was of him when i first laid eyes on him.

he carried an umbrella then. he walked up to the counter and asked for a cup of coffee, carefully counting the exact change needed to pay for the unlimited refills he could get for the next 3 hours. he then carried his beverage upstairs, opened his black duffel bag, unpacked what looked like ledger books and a calculator, and proceeded to mutter under his breath while scribbling numbers into the books.

he did that every morning for the entire month i spent studying for my first eos exams at my neighbourhood mcdonalds. sometimes we got into a bit of a competition to see who would get there first and acquire the "best" spot in the restaurant. i got rather pissed off whenever he beat me to it and i bet he knew full well of that.

it's been a year since i've been to that particular outlet. it's been a year since i last saw him. back then, i thought he was probably homeless and suffered from some mental disease. he wore the same shirt day in, day out - could you have blamed me for judging him like that?

but seeing him again, at mph midvalley of all places, forced me to rethink my opinion of that old man who is probably younger than i think he is and not as crazy as i thought he was.

funnily enough, the initial emotion i felt that day was not unlike the feeling one gets when seeing a long-lost friend once more. i was rather bummed that he showed no signs of recognising who i was. we could have had a pretty interesting conversation had we acknowledged each other's presence.

i guess that's too late now.

---

and that wasn't even fiction. it was true!

lishun at 9:14 AM

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

whine session #61

you know what comes to haunt me when it's late at night and my parents are asleep and i've let the dog out and i'm the only one still awake in the house and the only sound i hear is the whirring of the wall fan?

i don't know what it's like.

damnit.

lishun at 12:01 AM

Monday, February 26, 2007

angels

"down the waterfall, wherever it may take me
i know that life won't break me when i come to call
she won't forsake me
i'm loving angels instead"
- "angels" by robbie williams

i don't exactly recall when it happened. we were still together then.

although some of us had left our homes, we still saw each other pretty often and we took every opportunity possible to just meet up, go shopping, sleepover at one of our houses and then drink wine and chat till streaks of orange appeared in the sky.

we had already turned the lights out and the five of us were just lying near each other, talking about one thing or another while music played in the background.

it was at that moment that "angels" came on. the conversation petered out and we all fell silent, listening to the words and the music, waiting for the crescendo and guitar solo in the middle to fill the dark room.

i don't exactly recall when it happened, but i remember what i was thinking.

i prayed hard for that moment, with us lying there quietly, to never end. i wanted so much for us to be close forever and be worry-free. i didn't want our lives to ever become complicated with disease, conflict, broken hearts, disappointments, loss of faith; anything that could keep us apart. distance could never keep us apart, but life very well could.

of course, eventually the song ended, we fell asleep, had breakfast together in the (late) morning and went our separate ways.

i'm not sure what the others were thinking that night as we cleared our heads of the gossip we were indulging in and just let the song completely surround us.

i hope they managed to capture the pureness of our friendship that seemed to exist only for those few minutes and i hope they still keep it close to their hearts.

lishun at 4:30 PM

Sunday, February 25, 2007

mostly benign

sometime ago, when i was musing over how i usually take whatever comes along without complaint, the word "benign" popped into my mind. as a medical student, naturally my train of thought led towards tumours and how some are malignant while others are benign. how the benign ones are harmless and simply suck up one's blood supply, but are "just there" and won't invade into surrounding tissues.

and a most horrifying thought came to my mind: "oh goodness gracious, i'm benign."

my friends would know that one of my greatest fears is to be mediocre-ly above average. that means being pretty good, but not very good. get my drift? so the last thing i wanna be is benign - in existence, sometimes noticed, but not really acknowledged because i may take up some space, but i'm not outstanding enough to receive attention.

however, when i looked up dictionary.com (a non-online dictionary? what's that?) for a definition of benign, this was what i got:

be·nign /bɪˈnaɪn/
–adjective
1.having a kindly disposition; gracious: a benign king.
2.showing or expressive of gentleness or kindness: a benign smile.
3.favorable; propitious: a series of benign omens and configurations in the heavens.
4.(of weather) salubrious; healthful; pleasant or beneficial.
5.Pathology. not malignant; self-limiting.

so. being benign means being kind, gracious, gentle, favourable and pleasant? ooooook. doesn't sound too bad anymore, does it?

however, it still scares me that i am heading towards a path of mediocrity. academic success doesn't mean i will be a particularly useful person in the future, or that i really will grow up and rise above the challenges life has to offer. my inability to discuss current issues and my "jack of all trades, master of none" take on things means that i'm never really good at one thing. while that makes me interesting, it doesn't make me...memorable.

perhaps the definition of "benign" i should pay more attention to is the last one; the pathological explanation of the word - self-limiting. i know it doesn't mean self-limiting in the sense of the word, but it does give one something to think about all the same.

sometimes i think it's much better to be malignant and remembered than be benign and fade into the background.

lishun at 9:10 AM

Friday, February 23, 2007

untitled

i envy people who can talk away their problems. to them, words are carriers that send a piece of their problems away with every muttered sentence until, with the beginning of a sob, words run out and the physical manifestation of grief takes over.

but where do the little pieces of their problems go? surely they land somewhere? a passing ear, perhaps? or, if delivered through a prayer, into the hands of God?

what if they accumulated in the minds of the people who listen to the streams of troubled words that come out of a person's mouth? if someone who talks away his problems can feel lighter after pouring his heart out to a friend, what's stopping that friend from feeling a little heavier after listening, even if he did so willingly?

---

i just envy people who can talk away their problems. i sure can't.

lishun at 10:52 PM

Thursday, February 22, 2007

music or lyrics?

i am an impatient woman. i cannot wait till the freaking quotes from "music and lyrics" get released. i want to blog about that corny line in the movie and i want to do it now. so i will.

sueann's probably got the closest match when she commented:

"the melody of a song is like the appearance of the person, the sexual attraction but what matters after that is the lyrics of the song, which is the personality of the person that really tells u who and what the person is"

when i heard that whole part during the movie, i was reminded of a conversation i had with a friend sometime last month. we were watching a live musical performance and somehow the topic of discussion veered towards music and lyrics.

i remember him telling me that when he listens to a song, he looks for the melody, then the parts of the instruments making up the music and finally he appreciates the way the whole song is performed. alot of what he likes is centered on how the music sounds, what it makes him feel and the way it is presented on stage.

i responded by saying that i loathe songs that sound good but have no substance in their words. lyrics should complement the music. there's nothing worse than a song with a great melody and absolutely rubbish lyrics, for instance michael wong's "tong hua". good grief. to me, a song's words must be as alive as its tune or else the song's just an empty can making noise.

i'm not sure if our differing opinions really reflected how we judge people. after all, it's just a line in a mediocre romantic comedy which was only just redeemed by the hilarious '80s pop video in the opening credits and hugh grant's one-liners.

it is true, though, that as hard as it is to find songwriters these days who place the same emphasis on lyrics as they do melody and marketability, it is just as hard to find people who work on their personalities as much as they do their appearance.

we may like different components of a song - i know people who judge a song solely on how great the bass line is - but no one can deny that when a truly amazing song comes a long, one that has both a killer melody and powerful lyrics, it just blows us away.

there's just no compensation for that kind of...i can't even find the right word for it...perfection.

lishun at 10:26 PM

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

the booklist

i have to finish these in 2 weeks or else i'll never be able to read them again for another 6 months. no, make that a year.

gah. wish me luck.

lishun at 10:13 AM

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

second-best

ever since my cousin got me interested in the colour green, i've been looking for an emerald green, floor-length halter dress to go to the ball in. in case i don't find one, i've decided anything that isn't black will do.

last week, while searching for the compulsory new red top to wear on the first day of cny, i went into a store and saw a pretty-but-not-beautiful, non-black dress on sale. i tried it on and it looked kinda good on me. it fit just right, made me look taller than i already am, and was within my budget.

i didn't buy it right there and then, though, for two reasons:
1. there were a couple of flaws that i could fix but might not be bothered to, and
2. i still wanted my perfect emerald green, floor-length halter dress.

just last night, i spoke to evie about the dress. i told her that while i wanted the perfect dress, the really great one that will both stand out and make me look stunning in it, i was also afraid that i may not find it and if i don't buy the non-black dress soon, it may no longer be on sale or even be on the racks and i may just not have a dress to wear.

it seems a little like looking for a life partner. i want the perfect man, the one God has meant specially for me. along the way, i meet guys who have good traits that i like, but they're not the one i'm looking for. yet, i am afraid that if i keep searching for the perfect man instead of settling for the good man, i may not find him ever and won't even have second-best to fall back on.

this morning, my sister went back to the store with me so she could help me decide. she agreed that it was a good dress at a good price and she urged me to get it. she told me that i could easily alter the dress later to fix the flaws and that i should just buy it while i can instead of continue the search for the green dress.

my brother-in-law was outside the shop while we were there deliberating whether or not i should make the purchase. i couldn't help but think of him and wondered what my sister was thinking when she decided he was the man she should marry.

torn, i handed the cash over the counter and took the dress home.

lishun at 4:01 PM

a tag

i actually wanted to blog about "music and lyrics", particularly about a line spoken during the movie where drew barrymore's character drew a parallel between the music and lyrics of a song and different stages in a relationship (do inform me if you know the actual words!), but i couldn't find the exact quote and, being the perfectionist and lover of long sentences i am, i have decided not to blog about it just yet.

anyway.

i was tagged by "evil"yn yeoh yinn "sin"n. haha.

as with most memes, this one came with some instructions...

"each player of this game starts off by giving 6 weird things about themselves. people who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. in the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. after you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog"

6 weird things about me:

1. when i was younger, i used to form animal figurines out of the dough my mother made for "mee hoon kueh". i "baked" the dough out in the sun and coloured the figurines with magic markers. then, i displayed them on the top of my piano until they grew mouldy.

2. if i had too much money to spend, i would collect things. anything. vintage car models, hard rock cafe t-shirts, movie ticket stubs, antique alarm clocks...anything.

3. although i have written poetry since goodness-knows-when, i have only really read the work of one poet, and that's rainer maria rilke. i'm not gonna be pretentious here: i only started reading his stuff after reading audrey niffenegger's "the time traveller's wife" because his poetry was featured in that book, and the few lines that were in there really captured me.

4. my father taught me how to swim by throwing me into a pool and saying, "when you can float, try moving your arms and legs and then get back to me." i can only do breaststroke, and even then i do it wrongly. at least i can move and not drown in the water.

5. i have never been on a motorcycle.

6. i can identify people just by watching the way they walk. as in, if someone walks by and i can't see their face, i can roughly guess who it is from the movement of their legs. heh.

i don't tag people but if you decide to do this, do leave a comment yeah?

g'nite. =)

lishun at 12:32 AM

Monday, February 19, 2007

older, harder, not necessarily wiser

"the thing is we don't have to hate each other for growing older, we just have to forgive ourselves for growing up"
- kevin arnold, from the wonder years

i have to admit that i have a very idealistic look on life. i choose to take things positively and have managed to get through some hard times that way. of course, i have never encountered a really tough situation; one where my faith in God is shaken, where half-full mentality will not work, but that's because i'm only a 22-yr-old ultra-sheltered medical student.

as we grow older, the problems that we face become more complicated, more multi-layered and they seem more and more out of control. no doubt that will only get worse as the years go on. it's like taking an exam where, as we grow up, the questions become harder and we become hardened.

i'm not there yet, but my sister is. for the life of me, i cannot and will not be able to understand or relate to or even see what it is that she has been through and is going through.

maybe one day when we're much older, she will sit me down and tell me what i've missed.

for now, though, i can only accept the things that happen and realise that alot of what i know only scratches the surface of what really is. i can forgive those around me for growing up and growing older, harder but not necessarily wiser. it's not their fault.

we just malfunction that way.

lishun at 1:25 AM

Sunday, February 18, 2007

family fractures

my family is very close-knit.

my father's siblings are united by their love for my paternal grandparents and also by the fact that they've been through too many hard times to ignore that they'd never have made it without each others' support.

the glue that holds my mother's siblings together is humour. i cannot recall a single family dinner without all of us laughing uncontrollably at one joke or another. however, there's also something else darker that keeps them close, which is kinda inappropriate to blog about.

despite the inevitable struggles and misunderstandings, ties between my family members have never been strained beyond repair. we have never gone so far as to stop visiting each other during chinese new year or insisting we sit at separate tables during wedding dinners, as have happened to other people we know.

for me, i believe very strongly in the saying that "blood is thicker than water". of course it has alot to do with the fact that my family's very close and we care too much about each other to maliciously hurt one another, but i just believe that family should always be of utmost importance in our lives.

i can understand how things like divorces and failed joint businesses, or anything else that involves money, can cause unsalvageable damage to family relations. however, i cannot imagine going through life having a strained relationship to people who share the same bloodline as me and who once were close to me. i also think it's very unfair for the next generation to take the burden of their elders' quarrels and carry on the hate and unforgiveness without even knowing the reason why.

hearing about the pain that my brother-in-law's family has gone through really saddens me. he has no contact whatsoever with his mother's family because of his parents' divorce. whatever relationship he had with his cousins on his father's side is now almost severed because of a misunderstanding between his father and uncle. his cousin sent him a chinese new year card anyway, but there's no longer an invitation to his relatives' houses for chinese new year. his father has also told my sister and him to not visit their cousins during this festive period.

it's just not right to be separated from the people that are connected to our very existence on this earth. we make friends, we find family in other places like at work or at church, but there is no replacing the people with whom we share a bloodline.

anyway, here's wishing you a very happy chinese new year and may your family enjoy good relations for a long long time. God bless.

lishun at 9:28 AM

Saturday, February 17, 2007

forgive and forget

"forgive, sounds good
forget, i'm not sure i could
they say time heals everything
but i'm still waiting"
- not ready to make nice, dixie chicks

it was a couple of years ago when my mother first talked to me about forgiveness.

"people often see me as timid and mild," she said, "but they are deeply mistaken. i may forgive people easily but i never forget."

i can understand where she was coming from. my mother is possibly the most patient person i know. she's one of those seemingly harmless people that jerks like taking advantage of just because it's hard to get her to lose her temper. what jerks don't know is that the people who keep their cool even when provoked are the ones that should never be messed with.

i have kept her mantra of "forgive, but not forget" since then. when i found out a friend was backstabbing me in school, i forgave her for being an immature teenage girl but i kept my distance from that moment on. when the domestic help broke a beautiful venetian mask my best friend bought me from venice itself, my heart splintered along with it. somehow, definitely by the grace of God, i forgave her for being clumsy, but i will never trust her with things that i love ever again.

it is only in recent months that i found it easier to forgive others than in the past. as it slowly becomes easier and easier, i find it harder and harder to take people seriously when they talk about the inability to forgive someone for something, even if it has happened a long time ago.

i have attributed it mostly to immaturity; once i read an article that said that maturity is the state of mind where we stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about other people first. it involves empathy, patience, ethics and forgiveness. immature people don't forgive so easily because they're thinking about themselves first.

what i didn't count on was how deep hurts can go, even if it's through simple occurrences. a daughter whose father could not afford ballet lessons could still look back and blame him for robbing her of her love for dance. a boy who was forbidden from seeing the girl he loved could possibly carry the regret and pain for the rest of his life.

it can't be explained so neatly as just immaturity and yet it could also be as uncomplicated as being immature.

anyway, i just wonder why it is so hard to let go of things that we know we should let go. it took me a long time to really forgive my father for being less than perfect, but once i did, i could honestly love him again and that made me very happy. i just wish everyone could feel that lightness, that happiness that i did.

it's pretty hard to forget, but it really is good to forgive.

lishun at 10:05 PM

Friday, February 16, 2007

and so it begins...again

no matter how many times i turn off the television during american idol, whether it be due to frustration over the judges'/americans' choices or because of a contestant with a lousy attitude, i still love the show.

every year, i wait for the tv ads announcing the new season of everyone's favourite singing competition and every year i pray for a better crop of performers.

this year the only consolation i have, after watching tommy daniels get cut from the final 24 (am i the only one devastated by that decision?!), is that some of the final 12 boys are pretty darn hawt.

oh and they sound good too, though not as good as the girls.

still...jared cotter, nicholas pedro and phil stacey (oh those blue eyes!) have got my vote. *grwl*.

am still a little sore about sundance making it over tommy. damn you judges.

lishun at 9:55 AM

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

You complete me

"jerry maguire", and every other romantic comedy out there, is evil. that one single movie has spawned what may possibly be the corniest romantic line out there - "you complete me". oh good grief.

so okay fine, i'm being a hypocrite here. i find that the guys i have liked in the past had qualities that i don't, which means that i was, subconsciously, looking for someone to complete me.

eh i can bake, ok?

well, make that consciously, because i remember a time in high school when i distinctly told myself that the only reason i had a massive crush on a friend was because he was everything that i'm not. he was confident, ridiculously intelligent and had a half-empty kind of look on life while i suffered from an inferiority complex, relied on being hardworking and was too optimistic for my own good.

anyway, the point is that the whole "you should be complete first" thing is relatively new to me. i've mostly thought that my future husband would be the one to make me whole; i never figured that i should be a whole person first, work on myself first, before i will be able to give and share with someone else.

spot the "iloveu"!

it was only when ian brought up the topic of relationships sometime ago that he mentioned how important it is to be complete ourselves than to have someone else fill in the gaps. it made alot of sense then and, when it was brought up again during cf today, it still makes alot of sense now.

so there's still no lovey dovey schmuckism for me this year. it's getting a little worrying (22 liao...sobs) but it hasn't prevented me from having fun and continuing on my journey to focus on being complete in Jesus instead of listening to what the world and "jerry maguire" has to say.

jeremy fionna eeleen me sarah

happy valentine's day, everyone.

lishun at 11:09 PM

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

equations

girl+boy+accidental meeting+initial dislike+love+chase sequence
= romantic comedy

me+wacky friends+equally wacky parents+shortbread dough+sugar+heart-shaped cutters
= happiness

2 doctors+10 nurses+1 pharmacist+hotel+segamat+bekok+lots of meds
= great experience

music+grilled cow+friends+endless chatter+lots of icecream
= what i want for valentine's day tomorrow

lishun at 7:11 PM

Monday, February 12, 2007

i'm pooped

i've just realised how insane my past month's been.

jan12-14: victory weekend
jan16-feb1: electives at crest
jan20: food distribution at segamat
feb2-4: singapore
feb9-11: medical relief at segamat & bekok

...plus lots of meetings, reunions and icecream in between. nuts.

i'm pretty darn tired. i have exactly one month till sem4 starts. it's time to watch the telly and grow fat.

oh and run. so maybe i won't grow fat. err.

baking cookies tonight! yay!

lishun at 3:52 PM

Thursday, February 08, 2007

a reason

there is finally a reason for me to get off my butt, put on my ill-fitting callus-inducing running shoes and go jogging regularly instead of sleeping in every morning.

call/leave a comment if you wanna join me yeah?

especially you, joanne "pomelo monkey" chew wye wye.

hehe.

lishun at 3:49 PM

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

passion

the funny thing about words is that sometimes when someone says something, it gets stuck in your mind and you find that everything that happens to you for the next week or month revolves around whatever you heard - like a theme of some sort.

in sesame street style, this blog entry is brought to you by the word "passion".

it was two weeks ago that a friend shared about things that bind us and keep us from reaching our full potential. he talked about passion; about how it defined his life, in good ways and bad. he spoke of how he looked up the word and found that it meant several things - powerful emotion, lust, violent anger and extravagant enthusiasm - and how each one of those definitions related to him.

it got me thinking about what passion is to me and the word kept popping up in the days that followed.

the one definition that stood out the most was "extravagant enthusiasm", or a strong fondness for something. to feel for something, someone so strongly that it drives one's every action each day. it's quite foreign to me.

i know the things i love. i love music that evokes feelings from my usually stoic heart, literature that takes me to another world, the company of people that are sincere, science that shows the true wonder of God...but what am i passionate about?

my week-long stint at xfresh last year was the first time i worked among people who really loved what they were doing. although the fishtank was nothing more than a cybercafe encased within glass walls and most of the work done was through the clicks of a mouse and taps on a keyboard, i could see the joy of the staff at xfresh. they enjoyed programming, designing, writing. their passion shone through all they did.

i spent the last three weeks at crest, a christian crisis relief ngo that sources for donations and volunteers, then responds to any disasters by mobilising teams to wherever there is a need for help. the main staff consists of four very ordinary people who, through their love and obedience to God, are doing extraordinary things.

the floods in johor stretched them incredibly thin. their faces carried the lines of stress, sleeplessness and fatigue. yet, when i look at them, i see a light around them, enclosing them and driving them to do God's will at whatever cost.

those two incidences are true examples of passion, although they are very different. the bubbly people at xfresh had the passion to do things that made themselves happy. the staff at crest did things that made God happy, and that sustained their desire to keep doing whatever they're doing.

there are many more examples. i could see the passion and joy in my teacher mentor's eyes as she spoke about the possibility of going full-time into missions work, teaching children in third world countries.

just yesterday, a friend proudly showed off her collection of original music - pretty darn good original music, i must say - and it was clear that she knew what the soundtrack of her life, her passion, is.

i have seen what passion can do to people who uncover what it is. it changes the very way they breathe and see the world. it is strong enough to overrule every lie that can break our spirits.

i know what i love. the question is, where does my passion lie?

lishun at 11:42 AM

Monday, February 05, 2007

ch-ch-check this out

zachtay aka yeemeng will be ~~highlighting~~ headlining (jon: pfft!) this month's moonshine!

that's this thursday!

i have such talented schoolmates.

*looks at not-so-talented self*

oh well.

go support, ok?

lishun at 10:21 PM

Thursday, February 01, 2007

this month's forecast

it's february. that means two things:
(a) january is over, and
(b) valentine's day is coming

i'm not thrilled about both. the first, because it means i only have 11 more months as a clueless, sheltered, spoiled pre-clinical student. the second, because i have no excuse to fall in step with the rest of the world and become caught up with flower-purchasing, wallet-busting and chocolate-scoffing on the 14th.

yeah, commercialism, yada yada. it'd still be nice to get a rose that was not left over from the valentine's day fund raising sales in school.

i'm not as sad as the girl in the above picture, but i do foresee alot of poetry-writing with emo music in the background for the next two weeks.

lishun at 4:59 PM

cheap thrills

*note: corny last sentence alert!

over the last week, i've been entertained by stories of over-the-top non-proposals (i dunno what else to call it!), secrets of longing for luxury items, and tales of blowing one's savings in the search for that moment of magic that may occur during a live performance.

i just want to say this:

the only value of the, erm, non-proposal is the answer one gets at the end of the night.

the value of a designer bag will only show through if it's something you earned and you can put to good use.

and, if you're not a choosy person, the words "free admission" may be your two best friends when it comes to scouting for magical moments.

but you know what the best "cheap thrill" is? having someone you cherish share your life with you.

lishun at 10:28 AM