lishun's musings

Saturday, March 31, 2007

sequence

lishun says something that may or may not have offended people.

lishun thinks people are acting hostile towards her.

lishun entertains the possibility that she may or may not have offended them.

lishun spends the night replaying the scenes over and over again.

lishun obsesses about how she could have put things in a less threatening manner.

lishun considers apologising though she's unsure whether there was any offense taken.

lishun finds it hard to fall asleep.

lishun blogs.

lishun at 12:39 AM

Friday, March 30, 2007

the thesaurus entry

when i was younger, i thought that a thesaurus was a dinosaur. i wondered why the archaeologist who discovered it decided to name the reptile after a part of speech. how boring!

it was almost a relief to discover that a thesaurus is, indeed, a boring ol' dinosaur of a book and the name is most befitting its nature.

---

"and indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind"
- eccl 2:11

vain - futile, barren, frivolous.

no matter how many times it happens, regardless of how familiar it all becomes...i can never get used to it. it hurts, yet i toil. i repent and still fall. all in vain. all in vain.

---

"tonight you arrested my mind when you came to my defense
with a knife in the shape of your mouth, in the form of your body
with the wrath of a god
oh you stood by me, and i'll stand by my belief
like you stood by me, i'll stand by mine, stand by my belief"

belief - faith, confidence, trust.

the past week has been a somewhat emotional one for me. i felt so vulnerable and defenseless, insecure and exposed. like cellophane. i sensed people's stares going right through me like i were cellophane.

and this song came out of nowhere. it was just there. it wrapped me tight and kept me safe, for reasons i cannot understand.

in the shape of your mouth, in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god.

---

"science and art have that in common that everyday things seem to them new and attractive"
- friedrich nietzsche

attractive - alluring, handsome, enthralling

to be honest, i wanted to write about how i'm going to drop out of med school, enroll in a business management course in nus and snag myself one of the s'pore cleo 50 most eligible bachelors since our southern neighbours seem to have the larger pool of ridiculously attractive men (it's baffling!).

then, i came across the above quote and it just seemed more suitable considering the sort of theme i've had going on for the last two entries. science and art. facts and beauty. insight from a great philosopher.

how appropriate.

lishun at 10:28 PM

Thursday, March 29, 2007

the artist

i once watched a documentary about john lennon. the music was great and the insight into his life was eye-opening to me, a pseudo-beatles fan, but there was one scene in particular that i felt really revealed who john lennon was as an artist.

a trespasser was caught and, in an amusingly court-like manner, brought to see the great musician himself. lennon emerged from his house in his pjs and asked the trespassing fan why he wanted to see him.

upon the man's expression of the desire to see if the musical genius were as impressive as his music, lennon replied impassively, "i'm just a man making music." or something to that effect.

he said it in a carefree manner, almost aloof, like he didn't give a damn about anything other than writing songs. he showed no emotion, none of that charm his music possessed. it was as if he didn't have a soul and the only way he came close to having one is by writing songs that had far more life than himself.

---

i met up with my friends from school earlier tonight. we caught up with each other, asked about old friends, and somehow the conversation turned to kinda heavy subjects like life and death and suicide-in-between, work and money and how competitive things are.

it made me feel terribly small. it made me want to dig a hole in the garden and just lie there in the dirt, away from the real world that isn't "coming", but is already here.

it reminded me how immature i still am, sheltered in my student's life.

i have no desire to crawl out, though. i don't think i'd be able to weather what's in store for me. i would much much rather give my soul to what i love and let nothing else matter.

---

i envy the artist. being lost in a world of beauty and living an obsession with preserving the essence of it must be so much better than allowing oneself to experience reality.

it means being able to be idealistic always and to indulge in fantasies of world peace, free love (minus the orgies) and good times over mugs of steaming hot coffee. it means having the naivety of a dreamer who lives to create beautiful representatives of himself without ever needing to try on the world for size.

instead, i chose science and a mind that rationalises everything so much so that i feel like a wuss hiding in a suit of armour that i willed to exist. or rather, simply have nothing but faith that the armour really is there.

i identify with the artist tonight.

he's right though. i don't understand.

lishun at 11:59 PM

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

the artist and the scientist

if there were one weakness he could not help but succumb to, it was his lust for beauty. whether it be the sweet sounds of a captivating melody or the irresistible curves of a woman, he found himself unable to keep himself from the intense energy of something beautiful.

he was an artist. to him, beauty was life, it was everything. there was no way for him to exist if it weren't for his love of all things pleasing to the senses. his eyes wandered and his mind travelled to places he would be embarrassed to reveal to anyone else - no, not even her - but he never had the desire to share his obsession of alluring things with people anyway.

they wouldn't understand, he thought, especially not her. she lived for the empty dust of mediocrity while he searched for exquisiteness, delicacy and grace to preserve in his words, his music.

for his pleasure only.

---

she was a scientist. she didn't care much for details and diamonds. while she had the ability to see the value he put in all things beautiful, she was more intrigued with what lay beneath the aesthetics. why were the lovely things he so desired even lovely in the first place? what made him shudder at the elegance of that dancer's moves?

if there were one thing she could not stop doing, it was questioning the depth of the things he lusted for. she wanted to know and to share what she knew so that it would not be locked in a corner of her mind, for her own entertainment, but that others may also dig down to the unchanging facts that will not fade with time.

he wouldn't understand, she thought. although she was jealous that he had the kind of passion she never could quite grasp, she was also dismayed at his obsession with immediate pleasure.

how could he possibly find satisfaction in temporary titillation?

---

he breathed nothing but pure beauty and charm.

she lived for answers that anchored firmly to the ground.

envy. frustration. judgment. love?

lishun at 10:19 PM

Sunday, March 25, 2007

cinderella and me

once upon a time, there was a girl called cinderella who wanted to go to the ball for three reasons:

(a) she was perasan enough to think the prince would be attracted to her
(b) she couldn't tahan picking lentils from the fireplace anymore, and
(c) she wanted to spite her horrible ugly stepsisters

somehow she managed to get herself a fairy godmother and a 12 o'clock curfew, got the prince to fall in love with her, eventually married him and lived happily ever after.

the end.

---

ok, cinderella had her three reasons. i don't have horrible ugly stepsisters to spite or lentils to pick. heck, i don't even have a prince to look forward to!

so, erm, why do i still want to go to the ball?

lishun at 9:33 AM

Saturday, March 24, 2007

love secrecy

"i have grown to love secrecy. it seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. the commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. when i leave town now i never tell my people where i am going. if i did, i should lose all my pleasure. it is a silly habit, i dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one's life. i suppose you think me awfully foolish about it?"
- basil hallward, from "the picture of dorian gray" by oscar wilde.

almost every weekend, around lunchtime, i sneak off to a bookstore somewhere and spend a couple of hours reading browsing copies of "calvin and hobbes" collections.

i don't tell my parents where i'm going. i just take the car keys and go.

i don't understand where this need to be anonymous comes from. after all, i whine constantly about having "no friends" and being "clique-less", which clearly indicates a dysfunctional craving for attention. i maintain a blog, for goodness' sake. if that doesn't scream "attention-seeker", i don't know what does.

still, i find great pleasure in being somewhere without anyone knowing i'm there.

i'm not an artist like hallward, and the muse i know is more brit rock and less adonis "made out of ivory and rose-leaves". however, i was instantly attracted to wilde's idea of secrecy being the only way of injecting romance into an otherwise dreary world.

who knows where the appeal of mystery lies? perhaps it's yet another vain attempt to fill an emptiness that only God can, or an ironic method of compensating for the loneliness i feel when i wait at the door of a lecture hall to see who i could walk with and find there is no one.

i'm tempted to believe that i make myself invisible for a couple of hours to test the notion that maybe, just maybe, i'm visible to someone and one day they will come up to me to say, "hey, i care enough to be able to see you."

for now, i'll indulge in secret philosophical conversations over failed toboggan rides that teach me nothing about medicine. i suppose you think me awfully foolish about it?

lishun at 3:46 PM

Friday, March 23, 2007

eyes

my mother's got beautiful, non-chinese eyes. she inherited those huge peepers from my grandfather, whom i highly doubt had a pure chinese heritage. there is no way those eurasian features came from a 100% hokkien family. no way.

i can totally forgive the laws of genetics for not giving me my mother's fair skin, lovely voice and long-suffering personality, but i will always feel a little short-changed for not getting her eyes.

darn.

---

they weren't kidding when they said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul.

these pictures were taken from "grey's anatomy" 3X01. this was the moment right before mcdreamy told meredith that he loves her (again, that *censored*):

this was when mcdreamy told meredith that he loves her (that handsome creep!):

could you tell in which picture he was smiling? could you see the change in the emotion, how much more love and adoration there was in the second picture?

here's how his face looked:

you know how you know if someone loves you? their eyes say it all. their face softens, their eyes become more...molten. like dark chocolate. it's obvious. and it feels great if you catch someone giving you that look.

i once thought i saw that look in someone's eyes. i was mistaken, of course, and the years that followed were painfully filled with moments of me continuing to see things that weren't there.

i know better now, but once in a while i find myself subconsciously searching for that look again. hopefully i won't be mistaken a second time.

---

the best thing about wearing contact lenses:
entertaining my vanity.

the worst thing about wearing contact lenses:
having people come up to me and saying "hey you look tired" 20 times a day. grr. stupid eyebags.

lishun at 10:04 PM

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

rant in poetry

unless you have the time
don't ask me if i'm fine
i just want to whine
tonight

your sympathetic eyes
will only make me cry
so now if i must lie
i'm alright

but if you insist
i'll just grant you this
act like you don't exist
at all

come here quietly
and sit right next to me
lend me your shoulder please
that's all

lishun at 11:45 PM

Sunday, March 18, 2007

one more

"two people. this is gold. two more people. he would've given me two for it. at least one. he would've given me one. one more. one more person. a person, stern. for this. one more. i could've gotten one more person i didn't."
- liam neeson as oskar schindler, schindler's list (1993)

last year, when i visited my old church in singapore, pastor larry played a movie clip showing a distraught oskar schindler lamenting the people he could have saved if only he sold his car and his swastika lapel pin, as the 1200 jewish factory workers he saved from certain death watched on.

one more, he cried. i could have saved one more.

---

a couple of days ago, a friend of mine told me that she didn't want to go to church because she doesn't feel comfortable there anymore.

my first reaction was to run through my head what i, or we, have done wrong. did i not call her often enough? should i have smsed her bible verses more regularly? perhaps i should have asked her out for lunch more than just occasionally. is it my fault that she's decided this is the end of the road of her walk with Christ?

on the other hand, i was greatly annoyed with her. i personally have no patience with people who require me to hold their hand all the way. i am perfectly fine with people who need help and are brave enough to ask for help. that's why, although it's incredibly emotionally draining, i find it so much easier to love them and spend time with them than people who expect constant prodding and borderline babying.

still, i'm reminded that God doesn't choose who He loves. it's human to only love people that i want to, follow up with the ones i like and hope that others will do the job with the ones that i'm not so willing to love.

but why wear bracelets with "WWJD" with them on it if you're not going to really give a thought to what Jesus would do? He certainly wouldn't have stopped caring about someone just because she has human flaws that annoy the heck out of Him. He didn't stop caring about us eventhough we are covered with the filth of sin.

i was thinking of asking another friend where he gets the energy to follow up with everyone, ask how they are, even when the answer is usually an unrewarding, "i'm ok" and a glare that says "stop pestering me, you nagging fool!", but i guess i already know what the answer is.

i'm sorry for letting you down by making you think that i don't care anymore. i'm sorry if any of us have given off hostile vibes. i hope you'll come back to church. but i also hope you don't think that it's about pleasing the leaders or getting a feel-good refill every saturday. i pray you'll see it's more than that.

you're important. you're one more that Jesus has paid the price for. there are no regrets over you, so don't paint yourself as if there are.

lishun at 5:19 PM

Friday, March 16, 2007

the first run of the year...

...is a 10km do at the kl international marathon on sunday.

and i'm gonna be doing it without pomelo monkey, mightylady or samseng girl.

sob.

lishun at 6:54 PM

Thursday, March 15, 2007

a rude awakening

his weight had dropped drastically over the last couple of months. try as he might, he just couldn't ignore the fact that he was literally wasting away. the results of his blood test were ready last week and the doctor gave him the bad news: his liver function was totally shot.

he didn't really understand the extent of the damage but as he sat wondering how bad his condition was, he saw the doctor quietly leave the room and gather his children around.

he knew his days were numbered.

---

my father's cousin, the first child from his generation, was diagnosed with liver cancer last week. the prognosis is bad, as it often is with hepatic carcinoma, and my uncle has just 3-6 months left to spend with his family.

my father was, and still is, very close to him. it is no surprise then that my parents were visibly shaken as they broke the news to my sister and me this morning.

i guess the shock of it all is only overshadowed by the fact that my parents have been given a rude awakening about their own mortality.

my father has decided to (finally!) retire so that he could have time for himself. my mother's been spoiling me like never before, even going to the extent of sending breakfast up to me in the morning. it's so out of character for them that i am starting to worry if they're hiding a terrible secret about their health from me.

the fact that my parents are thinking about their own aging bodies and remaining time on earth totally freaks me out because it forces me to think about their mortality as well. it reminds me that the only thing we can be certain of about life is that it will end one day...and what happens then?

i'm not talking about the afterlife. i'm talking about what happens to a family when there's a death. how will my parents deal with my uncle's death? will i be able to keep myself together when the time comes to say goodbye to the people i love? i was semi-prepared when my grandmother died, but even then i still sometimes get a wave of disbelief when i think about how she's no longer here.

the impending loss of my parents one day is extremely overwhelming. when i thought about it as i drove to class this morning, i could not prevent the sorrow from washing over me.

you know it's time to grow up when your parents start thinking about their mortality. it's a rude awakening and an unpleasant reminder, but it's a fact of life. grow up. your parents need you more than you think they do.

lishun at 8:57 PM

Sunday, March 11, 2007

carbonara disaster

so, lishun the non-chef decided to tackle fettucine carbonara just because she had extra bacon in the defrost shelf and a can of cream of chicken and mushroom. she followed the recipe, the kitchen smelled good...

...and it all fell flat.

the recipe called for 250g of butter. pfft. yeah, if you want clogged arteries! the sauce ended up swimming in a pool of oil that i had to painstakingly remove ladle by ladle. yes, you heard me. ladle by ladle.

then, the fettucine was undercooked. you have to forgive me - it's my first time making pasta all on my own. besides, doesn't "al dente" mean firm in texture so some chewing is still required? i had to chew the fettucine! heh. ok fine. lesson learned.

so after tossing the pasta with the oily sauce, i added the eggs and the cheese and tossed it again...and gave it a taste.

taste-wise, it was fine. everything else wasn't, though.

oh well, i did write about making mistakes and learning from them, right? the next time, there'll be evaporated milk in the sauce, much much less butter, more herbs and the pasta stays in the boiling water (with olive oil added at the end) a little longer.

a huge apology to my victims at church who had to gulp down a mouthful or two of my carbonara disaster because i pretty much forced them too. oh, and also a big thank you to victor gan for being hungry enough to finish whatever balance there was left in the tupperware. lol.

lishun at 7:54 AM

Saturday, March 10, 2007

my verdict on

orientation? not too bad i guess. variety night was disappointingly dull, but no one can blame anyone for that. it's not as if the groups didn't at least try. plus the juniors are all nice enough. hopefully no one breaks a leg in today's telematch. um haha?

the appeal? am in the process of writing letters. once i got it started, it's not so hard anymore. i'm still rather reluctant to entertain the possibility that something might just happen because i'm just not willing to change my mindset yet again and re-rationalise once more. resetting my perceptions is really difficult. i just want to be happy.

relationships? i think i will forever be doomed to the "friends" category, specially reserved for less-than-attractive girls who happen to be nice and friendly and helpful and can be very useful for assisting with things like shopping for gifts, eliminating boredom, homework or holding onto your valuables while you go do something else or whatever.

nutritional status? am ballooning like nobody's business. had a bacon and cheese omelette sandwich this morning and then chomped down 5 sausages just because i had defrosted them yesterday but didn't cook anything and i felt like i should at least make use of the defrosted stuff before popping them back into the freezer. maybe shall cook pasta for dinner tonight, since i have bacon and all...

plans for the weekend? today i shall go shopping for pressies, prepare the freshies' welcoming party games material and then go to church. tomorrow i shall go volunteer at a kids' day program and watch a french flick before waiting for my parents to come home. oh yes, i'll also be doing alot of cringing at the thought of going back to class on monday in between.

any last thoughts? yeah. i'm gonna post up a pointless montage and then do a meme! yay!

i loved dawson's creek when i was in form1. i watched a couple of old episodes during the hols and i just could not understand why i liked the show in the first place, especially since i can hardly relate to american culture anyway.

but then, i realised this:

haha james van der beek looks like a golden lab (my fave breed of dog)! i was cheated by his lost puppy eyes look! gah! oh those teenage years...lol.

and here's the meme:

bold the statements that are true to you. italise the statements that you WISH are true. leave the fibs alone. then, stab 3 people to do the same test.

I miss somebody right now.
I do not watch tv these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I have tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I have changed mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I curse.
I'm totally smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller ID.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I'm shy around members of the opposite sex.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
I have tried alcohol before.
I own the South Park movie.
I would die for my best friend.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I am happy at this moment!
I'm obsessed with girls (insert: and boys) (?!)
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I study for tests most of the time.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
I have jazz in my blood.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I wear a toe ring.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.

i tag you, you and you over there. good days. see ya!

lishun at 9:58 AM

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

motherly advice

"i know it might be still pretty early for me to say this," my mother started, as she got up from her chair and walked towards me.

uh-oh.

"but you should know this: first, you must always give due consideration to every guy that shows interest in you. second, you must never give any consideration to any guy that you have interest in."

oooook.

"the one trap women always fall into is setting sights on one man and then not moving from his standards even when other men come into the picture to get their attention."

right.

i don't need this advice, especially not now when i am on the verge of getting that sick, sinking feeling one gets when trying very very hard not to fall for someone because he is obviously not interested, is waaaaaaay out of my league and probably has some baggage from a previous relationship left in his life.

i also don't need this advice because it's not something new and i already know the perils of unrequited love. besides i'm not my mother who, unlike me, actually had a list of suitors to "give due consideration to" when she was my age because she had eyes the size of dinner plates and a 20-inch waist.

it's not helping with anything. i'm not any closer to finding "the one". plus it embarrasses the hell out of me whenever my mother gives relationship advice. the very fact that she's even giving relationship advice means she's worried i'm going to die a spinster and will have to endure years and years of harassment from nosy relatives and that makes me worried that i'm going to die a spinster and will have to endure years and years of harassment from nosy relatives.

get. me. out. of. here. gah.

lishun at 6:02 PM

Monday, March 05, 2007

procrastination

this is what procrastinators do on sundays when they're supposed to be out saving the world or doing the will of God or anything else remotely significant...

9am: wake up
10am: sex and the city 1X01 & cereal
1pm: sex and the city 1X06 & noodles
5pm: sex and the city 2X01 & quick jog around the park
6pm: shower
7pm: dinner consisting of pizza, fried chicken & cheesy sausages
9pm: justin timberlake, chick lit & pineapple juice that i wish wasn't (get my drift?)
11pm: prayers & lights out

...and we wonder where the time goes, we repent for our sins, we resolve never to do it again.

can you spell H-E-D-O-N-I-S-M? just reading the above disgusts me. sigh. i really should crawl under my blanket and never come out again.

lishun at 7:48 AM

Sunday, March 04, 2007

comes easy

just what is it that really holds us down, makes us afraid to do something that may shake things up, turn our lives around? is it our reliance on what we can or cannot do, a lack of faith, love of comfort, complacency? i mean, what drives people to take chances? God? love? an overwhelming desire for improvement?

i am so utterly terrified of writing that letter, faxing my results slip and calling "them" up that i have procrastinated doing what, months ago, i was so convicted to do. i've made up every excuse possible to not do it. i've even rationalised things so much so that i've convinced myself that it's "alright", that i can still make the best out of things, that since i have good friends and a loving family...that's all i need.

i apologise to God in my prayers every night. i say i'm sorry for being so weak and faithless and so unbelieving that everything is below Him, that He overcomes all. i thank Him for being faithful where my faith has failed me, and i admit that i am humbled and shamed for being so human and undeserving of His love.

but i never did commit my situation to Him and really just go for it, eventhough He has already told me to, got my friends to encourage me to, and assured me that i will not regret giving it a go.

i am just so so scared.

they say that faith never comes easy, but somehow i have always felt like it should. why should it be hard? i know who God is, i know His power and His goodness. i understand the full reality of what following Him means and i am moved enough to want to follow Him anyway.

so why why why why why do i still feel so afraid?

the kind of anger and frustration and disappointment and shame that i am feeling now is indescribable. it's not directed at anyone but myself and i don't blame God for anything. i'm just so upset at my own limitations and my human faithlessness, so angry at myself.

i can't move. i'm holding myself down. i'm just so angry!

lishun at 12:03 PM

Thursday, March 01, 2007

sorry, my mistake

"a life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
- george bernard shaw

the above quote has so many layers to it, i don't know where to begin.

well, first of all it says that making mistakes is not only perfectly acceptable, it's beneficial. i don't doubt that for a moment. personal experience is the best teacher anyone can get, plus it gives you the credibility to tell people about what life has taught you. what's important about making mistakes is that you don't commit the same one again, or else it wouldn't be honourable anymore; it would be plain stupid.

secondly, shaw has implied that it takes courage to make mistakes. although i feel courage has less to do with it than pure thoughtlessness, i guess it does require a certain level of faith to go out and let life bombard you with challenges that will cause you to fall, just so you can pick yourself up afterwards.

thirdly, it says that it is much better to make mistakes than to live life without doing anything significant.

here's where i'm torn. on one hand, i strongly believe that it's better - no, make that smarter - to learn from others' mistakes than go out and live your own. who in their right mind would go step into a hole after watching someone else fall right in earlier? only an idiot would.

on the other hand, to not make mistakes and keep living life by relying on the experiences of others would be a waste of oxygen. what is life without taking a few chances?

although my attitude of staying on the safe path has prevented me from making alot of the mistakes my friends have, it has also built in me a morbid fear of taking risks.

perhaps i am reminded of the last time i took a real gamble...and lost. my two years in singapore were, on hindsight, the best years of my life. however, the decision to stay cost me a chance to experience a different culture and emerge with an internationally recognised degree. it also hurt much more than i thought it would, so much so that i can't even think about it without becoming angry, sad and bitter.

it was possibly the first time i had to make a choice that would determine the course of my life, and i still struggle to deal with the fact that i ended up with the shorter end of things. if this really is a blessing in disguise, then it's a damn good disguise because i need more convincing that God has a greater plan for all this.

can you blame me for wanting to stay on the sidelines? can you really?

as terrified as i am of making another mistake, i am just as terrified of spending the remaining years of my life continuously traumatised by this one setback. i am determined to see the bright side of things and persevere to accomplish my dreams, but i am also afraid of taking another chance. my own faith can only go so far and, as much as i trust God, it is still very very scary to hand it all to Him.

a life spent making mistakes may be more honourable and useful than a life spent doing nothing, but it is also far more painful...especially when it's a life where no one but an entity that exists purely by faith can be your true companion.

lishun at 8:40 PM

books...

...are angpow money-suckers.

i only brought RM100 with me to the warehouse sale yesterday, and i spent RM101 (thank God for loose change!) on 5 books:

"the picture of dorian gray" by oscar wilde
"the year of yes" (ooh chick lit!) by maria dahvana headley
"anansi boys" by neil gaiman
"the green mile" by stephen king
"the god of small things" by arundhati roy

out of the above, i've already read the last two, i've heard enough about dorian gray and anansi boys to want to buy them, and since i'm on holiday and it's getting to me, i decided to buy a novel about a woman who gets more dates in a year than i've ever had in my life. lol.

i usually don't buy books. i stand strongly by the opinion that books are meant to be borrowed - from the library, the rent-a-book shop, the (non-working) cousin with a *shockhorror* monthly book allowance. it's only after i've read a really good book and want to have a copy of my own to read over and over again that i buy it.

only once in awhile do i indulge in a book i've heard enough raving about from friends or whoever, and once in an extremely bright blue moon do i actually fork out cash for an impulse buy. i'm stingy that way.

anyway, now that you know my book-buying habits and that i love reading but hardly buy books to read, i would like to inform you that my birthday's sometime in june and i would really love the following books...

haha.

kidding.

ok i really need to go work on my booklist. the endocrine timetable's out and it's thursday and i only have one more week of holidays left and i am not looking forward to classes and i will have no more time to read stuff anymore so i'd better get cracking kthxbai.

p/s: i'll be loading up on more cash to buy more books at the warehouse sale. saw a couple more books that can go on my "impulse buy" list. anyone wants to go with me...gimme a buzz!

lishun at 9:52 AM