Monday, April 30, 2007

bite-sized

so. i should be learning to let people in, right? fine, i shouldn't be doing that on my blog, but i'm learning. plus, through my blog, i don't have to care if people are really listening or if they really want to know. they have the choice to find out. they can choose whether or not to click the little red "X" at the top of their browsers or think a little more about what i've written or whether they want to leave a comment.

it's the really chicken way of letting people in, letting my guard down, and it indicates no change whatsoever because i've been doing it for years...but bear with me. i still have expectations for people who ask "how are you?". do you want to know the real answer? are you prepared to share a little bit of me? talking about what really matters to me, what's really on my mind, my conversations with God...those are akin to me laying my soul down on the table for you to pick at at your pleasure.

are you really prepared for that? can you live up to my expectations?

so i'm still hiding behind my blog. don't judge me. i'm working on bite-sized pieces.

and here's one:

everytime i call him, i pray that it's busy or there's no answer. because the alternative, of him or his assistant answering the call and me talking about the letter the fax the situation, scares me to death. i've tried praying, i've tried everything short of bursting into tears while telling a well-wisher about it and subsequently scaring the unwilling listener away...and it still scares me to death.

i didn't get an answer today. i hate that i felt relieved when i put the phone down.

lishun at 11:09 AM

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Sunday, April 29, 2007

lethal weapons

this is what i don't get. you have so much power in your hands. you smile, and the world around you fades. you say a kind word, and that's the only thing that's resonant in the air. you have the ability to bring people to their knees or cause hearts to soar.

yet, one of you is unaware of the extent of that power and the other one is abusing it - knowingly, no less - while justifying it at the same time.

you're both lethal weapons in your own right and you're both complete idiots.

lishun at 11:01 AM

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

holding on

when my dog was a puppy, i used to play a game with her. i would dangle some food at the tips of my fingers and hold it up so she could see it and smell it but she could not reach it. she would immediately sit up straight and look longingly at the food, never once taking her attention away from it.

sometimes i would make her jump. other times i said, "sit!" and made her wait. i would tease her for awhile, frustrate her a bit, but in the end i always gave her whatever tidbit i was tempting her with. i also rewarded her with an additional pat on the head and a reassuring, "good girl!".

looking back, i guess it was pretty mean to do that to her eventhough she knew what her prize was and she knew i would eventually give it to her. i really didn't have to keep the food just out of reach.

however, i didn't do it to torment her; i did it to teach her patience, obedience, and to let her know that no matter what, she would be rewarded in the end.

i never withheld the food from her because i promised it to her from the very beginning.

---

sometimes i feel as if You're teasing me. You dangle good things in front of me, but they always seem just out of reach. at times, i am frustrated to the point that i am close to losing my faith in You...yet You have promised it to me.

You promised me in that car, several months ago. You promised me one saturday night sometime last year. when i pray that i be prepared for a life without what You have promised, You tell me that You don't go back on Your word.

to be honest, i am *this* close to losing all hope of ever receiving that promise. it just seems so...cruel for You to be playing me like this. it tempts me to ask, "why are You being so mean?" if i didn't know who You are, i would dismiss Your promise as nothing but foolish optimism.

but i know You're not doing it to torment me. when i ask, Your answer is always "wait". patience has never been one of my best qualities...i guess You're teaching me that now. patience and obedience. a prize waiting at the end.

so i'm holding onto Your promise. i am holding You to Your word.

lishun at 12:12 AM

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Monday, April 23, 2007

the reason why



the trouble with being someone who enjoys a healthy dose of solitude and thinks too much for her own good is that i rationalise alot.

when things happen to me, i spend alot of time figuring them out myself. i use logic, experience, prayer, advice...whatever may be helpful in justifying or explaining the circumstances i'm in. it's an internal struggle, internal debate. at the end of it all, i feel like i've discussed every angle of it enough with myself and God that if i were to talk about it with someone else, it'd be like watching reruns on the telly.

that's the reason why i find it so hard to talk to people about...anything at all. anything significant, anyway. anything that would really show how i feel about things, or about them.

i woke up this morning to this gem from suann's blog:
"how do you expect someone to feel comfortable with you if you make them feel like a stranger?"


it reminded me of the relationships i had with my friends from school, back when someone described me as "someone i felt comfortable with". we didn't just share gossip or tease each other or narrate the events of the day the way i do with my friends now. i remember talking about our dreams over a bowl of claypot mee. i remember calling up a friend, crying, when i first found out i had made that mistake.

what changed? why do i now weep alone in my car or under the stars instead of on the shoulder of someone i trust? why can't i even trust anyone anymore? it's not as if there's a lack of good people around me. what changed?

rationalising has enabled me to put things into perspective, stay positive, and ask "what now, God?" instead of "why have You done this to me?" but it has also cost me friendships, relationships that i will possibly regret not working on in the future.

---

*edit*
10. lishun | April 23rd, 2007 at 8:54 am
this post made me feel like such a fool for thinking that it’s best for me to distance my friends...for what reason i would think that, i have no idea.

16. pinkpau | April 23rd, 2007 at 6:13 pm
lishun : i always got that vibe from u, like ur reluctant to let people in. well that makes it so hard for your friends then doesnt it?

sigh

lishun at 8:51 AM

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Sunday, April 22, 2007

icecream at 2am

i'm sitting here, sans makeup, hair down, dress off and comfy t-shirt on, gulping down whatever's left of my chocolate sundae while typing this post.

the ball was pretty alright. no collection of extra money, there was a nice goodie bag on every chair, my dress was nice, i didn't straighten my hair, and although i did get a pseudo-date by the end of the night (not-from-sarawak-jem lol), he spent the time talking nonsense with me instead of checking out girls in nude backless dresses. well actually there weren't any girls in nude backless dresses but that's not the point.

so it was still good although, like my secondary school prom, the absence of the best girl friends made my heart ache a little.

anyway, i've finished my sundae and i need to get the last remnants of makeup off my face. it's back to being a plain marionette instead of a pretty one, but i'm a little happier now.

lishun at 2:22 AM

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Saturday, April 21, 2007

stars. marionette. dancing.

"dancin' little marionette
are you happy now?
where do you go when you're lonely?
i'll follow you
when the stars go blue"
- when the stars go blue by ryan adams

stars. marionette. dancing.

---

it's the imu ball tonight. for some reason, i am reminded of the disaster that was my secondary school prom. the committee collected an extra RM10 at the door, i wore (on hindsight) a horrible dress, my too-short straightened hair made me look like a polly rag doll and i spent the night watching my pseudo-date covet girls in nude, backless dresses with his eyes.

i didn't take many photographs that night. i can only hope tonight will be different.

---

whenever i hear ryan adams' haunting vocals sing about dancing marionettes in wooden shoes and wedding gowns, i think about my childhood expectations of how my life would be when i'm older.

did i grow up wearing a pretty mask each day? am i weighed down by heavy issues, heavy shoes? i am so trained to the choreography shaped by the world that when i go about my daily life, i do it as one who is accustomed to drudgery, pretense and putting up a shield.

am i happy now?

---

sometimes, i am so pms-y that i piss even myself off.

lishun at 7:08 AM

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

it's hard to hate you

i had every mind to say something to you. i wanted to say things like...

why didn't you tell me?
i am very annoyed with you.
don't you know that a question warrants a reply?
you can be really irresponsible at times.

but in you came, with an apologetic smile on your face and a goofy excuse that even my stern self couldn't help but laugh at. and all was forgotten, everything forgiven.

it's so freaking hard to hate you. why can't you make it easy for me, just once?

lishun at 11:55 PM

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

in solitude

in solitude, things either become increasingly confusing or much clearer than before.

i went down to the beach last evening, all by myself. i spent a long time just looking out into the ocean, salt accumulating where the waves broke against my shins, and i thought how the sea is the epitome of both freedom and death. freedom because once you sail out into the open ocean, the world is yours. the water is never ending, the depths below reaching for miles. yet countless have died by the wrath of water and even outer space is better understood than the mystery of the ocean.

later that night, or rather in the wee hours of this morning, i walked halfway down the path leading towards the beach, lay myself down on the stony road, my bag as a pillow, and gazed at the sky. it was littered with stars that formed constellations i could not name, and i was filled with awe. the city lights where i live mask the brilliance that fills the dark velvet sky each night, depriving me of the the simple pleasure of star-gazing, so much so that my heart ached for the times i missed the stars.

something came over me as i lay there looking at the stars. i burst into tears and cried while i prayed for something that i did not know. i had become increasingly irritable and moody throughout the day for unknown reasons. it felt like i was preoccupied with finding something that isn't there, to the extent of dismissing God as just another element of life and not life itself.

the time i spent alone with the ocean earlier in the day reminded me of how near we are to heaven, if only we recognised that God's grace is sufficient for all. it is as seamless a relationship as the joining of sea and sky at the horizon. how sufficient is it? how big is God? as big as the light years between the multitude of twinkling stars that appear in the sky, and bigger still.

initially i felt confused and angry because i was alone. my thoughts ran wild without the supervision of another pair of eyes, another pair of lips. the freedom the ocean offered me allowed me to rationalise and adopt my own philosophy...which didn't make sense, of course. there is only so much thinking one can do in the couple of minutes i spent in silent commune with the water.

but as i lay on the hard, stony ground, nothing but the stars above me, everything fell into place.

i still have not much of an idea as to why i felt so irritable yesterday and today. blame it on the hormones or the possibility that there are things that i'm not telling you...i am at peace now, at least far more at peace than before. i thank God for that.

lishun at 4:58 PM

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

worth the breath

"this is the land of a thousand words
but it seems so few are worth the breath to say"
- land of a thousand words by scissor sisters


here are the few that are worth the breath:

don't take me for granted - i might just harden my heart to you.

---

yes, i'm back from kkb. it was 4 days of oestrogen and enthusiasm overload, with a couple of stretched tempers along the way. i did have fun, although i was pretty dead by the last day...but that was mainly because some of us girls decided to stay up till 5 to watch the united and chelsea matches.

it'll be yet another busy weekend starting tomorrow. will be off to port dickson for cf camp with the other sob-ies. i'm looking extremely forward to this, despite having three or four long overdue things to do. it's getting to be a really bad habit, that.

anyway. will be back (hopefully) on monday. =)

lishun at 8:18 AM

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Sunday, April 08, 2007

an easter community service announcement

"do you think that, if we watched this over and over again, we'd be desensitised?" she asked me as we picked up our bags and got ready to leave.

i shook my head.

"yeah, i don't think so either."
---

i couldn't bring myself to keep my eyes on the screen showing clips from "passion of the Christ" last friday, especially during the scene where the nails were driven into Jesus' hands. with disregard to the historical inaccuracies (crucified criminals were nailed at the wrists, not the palms) and the fact that it was my second or third time watching the movie, i just could not bear it.

too painful. too violent. so different from the pretty picture most christians paint about the love of God and the salvation that Jesus' death and resurrection brings. why be bothered about the ugly side of the crucifixion? why not just preach peace and goodwill to all mankind?

throughout the scene, i kept thinking, "that should be me. that should be us."

i know that it's easter sunday and it's a time of celebration of Jesus' resurrection and hence fulfillment of His purpose to reconcile us to God. however, it'd be defeating the whole purpose for us to never really understand the extent of the sacrifice, the significance of it all.

God's love is not a romantic serenade but the ultimate act of love - death, on behalf of us, so that we may be spared to be reconciled to the Lord. His mercy is unfathomable, His love beyond our imagination. how undeserving we are and yet He came for us anyway.

it still overwhelms and humbles me. it's a reminder of really how small we are, how small i am, and how big God is. so where is the space for pride, unless i am shortchanging my God of His place at the throne? how can lust still occupy a corner of my life if i believe that Jesus is Lord?

easter is a celebration of the victory over death that comes when we believe that Jesus Christ died as a clean, pure, innocent sacrifice in order to redeem our lives but then rose again on the 3rd day after His death. it's as simple as that and yet the underlying message is a truth that will continue to overwhelm me even with repeated screenings of the movie.

be joyful that salvation is a little child, believing the truth unquestioningly and following the way. but also remember the price that was paid for it. only then can you really appreciate what easter is.

happy easter everyone!

lishun at 12:31 AM

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Friday, April 06, 2007

no turning back

"God never again opens the doors that have been closed. He opens other doors, but He reminds us that there are doors which we have shut-doors which had no need to be shut. never be afraid when God brings back your past. let your memory have its way with you. it is a minister of God bringing its rebuke and sorrow to you. God will turn what might have been into a wonderful lesson of growth for the future."
- from "my utmost for His highest" by oswald chambers


i faxed the letter yesterday and i sent a hard copy today.

there's no turning back now, just room for prayer and faith. and a miracle.

---

p/s: endocrine was ok. could have been better had i studied, but thanks for your well-wishes! =) and happy birthday green girl lishan (no, not my sister)!

lishun at 11:22 PM

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

a little bit

"a little bit of me & a little bit of you
we stay together for a little bit of truth
that no matter how little, we still deserve
a little of each other and a little bit of love"
- a little bit of poetry during a whole lotta stress

i am stressed. no doubt about it. this is the first time i am actually seriously cramming for an exam and there's still tonnes of other stuff to worry about on the side. there's necessary stuff, unnecessary stuff and alot of irrelevant useless stuff that is nothing but (you know i'm really stressed when i start imitating p.kumar) excess that needs to be trimmed.

you know what i mean.

and i'm bloody distracted by nothing and everything. all that zoning out halfway through some notes is getting on my nerves. aargh. aargh. i hate being irritable!

whinebitchmoan whinebitchmoan.

oh well, at least i win a kldp postcard from the oh-so-glam edwin sumun himself. yay.

lishun at 11:19 PM

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

a terrible grief

"God continually introduces us to people for whom we have no affinity, and unless we are worshipping God, the most natural thing to do is to treat them heartlessly, to give them a text like the jab of a spear, or leave them with a rapped-out counsel of God and go. a heartless christian must be a terrible grief to Our Lord."
- from "my utmost for His highest" by oswald chambers


i feel incredibly blessed to have the privilege to whinebitchmoan about things in the context of living in an affluent society.

i mean, who are the people in my life for whom i have "no affinity"? they're just regular people who happen to have a flaw or two that i would not tolerate in normal circumstances. they're not all bad...just bordering on irritating. they're definitely people that, with God's grace, i can grow to love and have greater compassion for.

however, i still live up to my personality profile of being a threatening, bossy, heartless person who does nothing but give harsh advice (instead of listening) and then just leave if the person requires more coaxing, more attention, more empathy. no patience, no love.

i just want results and when that doesn't happen, i get frustrated and abandon ship.

when i read the paragraph above during devotion one day, the words that gripped me most were "a terrible grief to Our Lord". that hurt. the last thing i want to do is grieve God and yet that is precisely what i am doing every time i treat someone with impatience or am too blunt and cold with my words.

a terrible grief. that really, really hurt.

lishun at 11:12 PM

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Monday, April 02, 2007

this is a random post

two many details...

sms: sorry didn't reply...in e toilet.

msn: brb tandas

boys, i really don't need to know. thanks.

---

there are times that i wish there were more obvious displays of affection in my family. we don't hug/kiss each other, we don't even say "i love you". there's just a silent acknowledgment of our unspoken devotion to each other. while i've never doubted my family's love for me, it would be great if we were more vocal in expressing it.

having neither practice nor examples to look to, it is hardly surprising then that i have never told my parents that i love them. never.

---

the most dangerous kind of guy is not the one with multiple skull tattoos or the reputation of being a player. it is the man who is chivalrous, charming and considerate. he can snare a girl's heart just by being who he is because she wouldn't understand the fact that he's a darling all the time and it has nothing to do with her. he's wired that way.

girls, don't fall for it. don't fall for him. if he were really interested, he wouldn't treat you the same way as he treats the other girls who swarm around him as well. he would not only be nice to you, he'd be obviously much more ridiculously nice to you.

guys, you dangerous guys, remember that smses are evil and pseudo-bordering-on-intimate behaviour is a total no-no. just don't do it. you may break a couple of hearts if you do.

you may break my heart if you do.

---

i have discovered the reason why i find myself constantly bemoaning the fact that i struggle to belong - i am just not sensitive or caring enough to love people.

i've always thought that the main reason i enjoy medicine is my desire to love people. it is disappointing to realise that i see cases like riddles to be solved and discarded once the solution has been revealed. an apathetic problem-solver, that's who i am!

how sad.

---

9-11 april: kkb
13-15 april: cf camp @ methodist centre, port dickson
21 april: imu ball
28 april: sold out album launch

---

when i am alone in my car, driving home after a long day, i think about the events of the day and how i could have done things differently. my blunt observations come back to haunt me. maybe i shouldn't have said that. perhaps i should have phrased this or that in another way. what if he was offended? what if she now thinks i'm a bitch?

i know that whatever opinion there is of me, only God is in the position to judge. however, i find it hard to identify whether or not these doubts that i entertain in my solitude come from the desire to improve or are actually lies of the devil to put myself down and crumble every inch of self-esteem i have struggled to build over the years.

does it really matter that much whether people like me? should i be praying for my greater sensitivity, discerning ability and tact? or maybe i should be praying for the people who judge me too quickly, are too sensitive themselves and who take offense too easily.

---

endocrine ica on friday. time for some fnb outlet studying. bye bye RM11 (for a regular mocha latte at coffee bean - still better than starbucks anytime!).

lishun at 1:50 AM

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

happy april fools' day!

inspired by priscilla's game during life group last week, and in the spirit of april fools' day today, i have come up with the following 5 scenarios...among which 4 really did happen to me and one is just me telling porkies.

let's see if you can spot the lie. =)

scenario #1
once, during a piano lesson, i felt a tad nauseous. my teacher noticed i looked a little pale and suggested that i took a water break. as i walked towards the kitchen, i told myself that all i needed to do was lie down and close my eyes for a bit.

the next thing i knew, my grandmother and my piano teacher were crouching right next to me, slapping my cheeks in an attempt to wake me up.

till this day, i have no idea why i fainted like that.

scenario #2
when i was in primary school in hong kong, i teased a friend of mine about having a crush on a boy from the next class. pretty soon my little clique of girl friends (omg 8-yr-olds have cliques?!) managed to spread the rumours all through our 4th grade. i even wrote a little book with poetry and silly short stories about the "couple".

anyway, the girl got pretty hurt and declared me her enemy. she called me one day to tell me how angry she was and we cried with each other over the phone. we didn't stay friends after that.

scenario #3
on my first day of secondary school, all the students were assigned to different classes. i sat in a row with my friends who were from "sekolah-sekolah lain" and waited for my name to be called.

after what seemed like ages, i heard my name and stood up to join my new classmates. however, since we were sitting for so long, my legs were numb and, to my horror, gave way as i made my way towards the front. i almost fell on a boy who, in a fit of rage, called me a "fat bitch".

that was pretty traumatising.

scenario #4
one of the happiest moments of my life was when my dog, may-may came to live with me. it was a couple of weeks before chinese new year and my uncle just called up to say that a stray puppy had wandered into his house and wouldn't go away so do i want to keep her?

i was 12. i loved dogs (and still do). i jumped at the chance!

my grandmother was less thrilled. she hated dogs. however, she saw how happy i was when my darling arrived and, after much pleading, she allowed me to keep may-may. in order to "initiate" the dog into the family, she picked my new puppy up and brought her to the ancestral altar to introduce her to my great-grandparents.

scenario #5
during a flag day event in singapore, a man approached me and said, "today is my daughter's birthday. i am very happy today. you look alot like my daughter, so here's 5 dollars. don't put it into the can, ok? go and buy something nice for yourself."

needless to say, i was pretty stunned.

i put the 5 dollars into the can.

---

so, which one's false? =P

lishun at 10:57 AM

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