Thursday, May 31, 2007

lack of soul

i'm an expert at doing what i should do, or at least trying to, but i find it difficult to put heart into the things i get myself involved in.

i was of the opinion that only a fine line separates responsibility and obligation, but now i am inclined to think otherwise. responsibility comes with sincerity; obligation is all action, no heart. there's no sense of joy, no sense of ownership towards the task at hand. the lack of soul in my actions leaves a greater chasm that i previously thought it would.

it's no wonder i'm tired these days. i'm more of a hypocrite and a machine than a human being, far from being a child of God, trained to cover blemishes with carefully rehearsed words and verses.

do i deserve the trust people have in me when i'm shortchanging them each day?

lishun at 10:16 PM

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

happy birthday, daddy



wanna take a stab at how old my father is? hehe.

lishun at 8:47 PM

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

the rants

rant #1
the reproductive system is far from being one of my favourite systems. it's repetitive, the pathological possibilities are endless (thanks to those pesky things called hormones and germ cells) and i've got the worst physiology lecturers ever so far. the one and only thing i like about the system is the many many psychosocial issues involved. yay to all things traumatic about sex and babies. unfortunately, the fact that there are many many issues makes it impossible to research each and every one properly, at least not within the 3-day time limit we have to prepare for our pbls.

rant #2
why can't the sponsorship responses come in faster?! i need more prizes, more money! aargh! aargh!

rant #3
i feel pressured to blog. time for a pseudo-hiatus.

see ya!

lishun at 11:49 AM

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

fine

"david said to his servants, “is the child dead?”
and they said, “he is dead.” so david arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. then he went to his own house; and when he requested, they set food before him, and he ate. then his servants said to him, “what is this that you have done? you fasted and wept for the child while he was alive, but when the child died, you arose and ate food.”

and he said, “while the child was alive, i fasted and wept; for i said, ‘who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ but now he is dead; why should i fast? can i bring him back again? i shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”"
- 2 samuel 12:19-23

the verdict is in: i will be in malaysia for a long, long time.

i suppose a part of me is disappointed, yet another part is absolutely relieved that it's finally over. the letter that came in through my mailbox today is the full stop. there will, of course, be emotional blackmail in the coming months - so they'll remember me, remember the next time some similarly unfortunate soul comes along - but the truth of the matter is i'm done. don't try and make me hope otherwise.

life just goes on after the fasting and weeping. can mourning overturn the verdict and send me away from these shores?

although i am sore that throughout the entire process God never gave an inkling as to what to expect, i still praise Him for putting my growth before my comfort. i thank Him for reminding me who He is and how He works. i am grateful for the lessons learned and the burns that came with them. i thank Him for a family that understands and friends who are ever patient and supportive.

anyway, i'm doing fine. i'll just keep making my grades and doing my best. God forbid if anyone feels sorry for me or feel it's a shame. i find no shame in giving my all under any circumstances, in continuing my role in God's plans.

like david, i will move on and keep looking to the hills from whence my strength is from.

lishun at 8:52 PM

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Saturday, May 19, 2007

don't wait

"don't wait, don't wait
the lights will flash and fade away
the days will pass you by, so don't wait
to lay your armour down"
- don't wait by dashboard confessional

i haven't put on my running shoes for quite awhile now. for some reason, i just have not found the enthusiasm to go outside and let my blood rush through my body a little faster. it's not like me to say no to adrenaline, especially if it's adrenaline that doesn't involve free falling.

but today, with its suffocating humidity - i can almost hear the damp soaking through the air - i took a look at the heavy skies outside my window and decided that it's time to let my legs carry me through more than just another doorway. i felt the need to get drenched. if the rain comes, i'll revel in it. if it doesn't, i'll save my rain dance for another day.

as i turned my trusty source of music on, the song playing spoke to me in a way i had never heard before. the road is now a sudden sea and suddenly you're deep enough to lay your armour down. lay your armour down. lay your armour down.

for a moment, i stretched out my arms and felt drops of impatience fall on me. life is passing by me and yet i'm still not there. 3 years more till graduation. 5 more years to competency. millions of seconds more till actual healing comes from my hands.

lay my armour down.

i need to do more rain dances and listen more closely to the Voice that loves me. i need to run through stagnant air and breathe the moisture that creeps through my pores. i need to stop waiting and strip myself bare of everything save what constitutes my being.

there will never be a better time.

lishun at 5:59 PM

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love football



it doesn't matter (to me, at least) how little i know about tactics, strategies, "correct" positions...
i still love football.

tonight, i'll be dreaming of that giggs (my man!) solo effort of '99 and, for the first time in forever, i won't be dreaming alone. =)

whee!

...on the downside, this means no more european football till august. *sigh* transfer gossip just doesn't do it for me.

lishun at 10:02 AM

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

speechless

[ insert expletive & exasperated expression here ]

lishun at 6:03 PM

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Monday, May 14, 2007

a "sigh" night

i chose her because friendships need to be worked on and he had no reason to miss me anyway.

---

it's a "sigh" night tonight. i have alot to blog about but what i really wanna do is talk about it all instead. no, make that...rationalise about it, but out loud and in the presence of people or a person who wouldn't think me a nut for rattling out my thoughts for all to hear. just someone or a few someones who would nod their heads in agreement and give a well-timed sympathetic look once in a while. perhaps order me a nice margarita or two while they're at it.

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

lishun at 11:19 PM

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

kl girl


my father's family & my mother. she's the pretty lady standing in the centre.

my mother is a pure kl girl. unlike my father, who only stepped onto malaysian shores when he turned 10, she and her family have been in kl for countless generations. she grew up downtown, worked around the city for most of her life, married my father in a restaurant right next to sogo and, save for the years she spent in the various countries where my father studied or worked, hardly ventured out of kl.

my mother is a daddy's girl. although my grandpa was likely to have favoured my aunt over her, due to my aunt's resemblance to my late grandmother who died of typhoid fever at age 21, my mother's the one who inherited my grandpa's eurasian-like good looks, long-suffering personality and incredibly strong character. she is a listener who is also blessed with the talent of discernment, making her one of the most sensitive people i know.

my mother is a martyr for her family. she took on the full force of the complications of having a stepmother and half-siblings, she raised my aunts and uncles together with my father, she bit her tongue while others lashed theirs and she held her head high even when the very people she sacrificed so much for turned against her.

my mother may not be the confidante portrayed in movies, nor does she bake cookies and kiss boo-boos away. while she did keep night-long vigils by my bed when i got sick as a child and she keeps food warm for me now when i come home from uni, the best thing she's ever done is never hiding her history from me and my sister. she never sugar-coats her stories and she always makes sure that we learn from her experiences so we won't commit the same mistakes she did.

when i become a mother myself, i can only pray that i'll do half as good a job with my children as my mother has done with me and my sister.

happy mother's day, mummy.

lishun at 9:06 AM

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Friday, May 11, 2007

expectations

"a christian is an athlete, the walk with God is a race. we must desire to win. a failure mentality is not equal to humility; being humble comes from the heart, not the mind. you must have the correct attitude and the correct outlook and then take action. expect nothing less than great things from God and attempt nothing less than great things for God!"
- notes from ps sean prasad's opening message at cfcamp07.

last sunday, as i was whining about my jpa thing to ian, i told him that i am going into the appeal with no expectations because after all the praying, there's still not much of an inkling as to where God is going with this. all i know is, there's a conviction from Him that i should just try. another reason for me not having any expectations is because of a phrase i've adopted as my personal motto: no expectations, no disappointments.

i was, however, a little confused after ps tim's sermon about living in the supernatural realm, believing God is capable of miracles. doesn't that warrant having expectations, and incredible ones at that? doesn't that also predispose to greed? what about being content?

i asked ian about it, and he said that although i should be grateful and thank God for what i already have, there should always be the belief still that nothing is above God. i brought it up during the trip to melaka, and the general consensus is that expecting great things from God is only greed if it's done in the wrong manner, with the wrong kind of heart.

i can understand all that. i also know that there will always be a constructive way of coping with disappointment. when we expect great things, there is also the fact that we have to surrender all to God and understand that in the end, it all goes according to His will, not ours. it seems contradictory and it was the source of my confusion (ambitious yet content? striving for more yet grateful for little?) but it does kind of make sense.

still, i am wary about having expectations. disappointments always seem to find themselves where expectations lay and sometimes i think it's so cruel to have to keep crumbling under circumstances and then build back up again while drawing on the strength of God. perhaps He's breaking me down so i can come back stronger, but i fear that i may be at the point where i can no longer deal with the disappointments that follow any expectations i have of anything.

we are not called to be people who desire nothing and strive for nothing, happy and content with the mediocre. we are called to do great things and glorify God in all that we do. there should be great expectations and not an attitude that limits God.

yet just how many more disappointments must i go through until all this pondering is no longer an issue?

lishun at 9:11 PM

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

there are times

there are times when i feel like i'm in the lull before the full leash of fury.

there are times when i suspect my intentions are all in the wrong places.

there are times when i look at her and i think, "she's just like me...2 years ago."

there are times when i wonder if i'm just being complacent.

there are times when i know that following my heart is the right thing to do.

there are times when i let my head take over anyway.

those times are now, when the peace that's surrounding me seems more like a warning than a reprieve from the craziness that i had already been through. when i have the luxury of marveling at how far i've come, how good God's timing is. when i know that what i'm about to do isn't exactly worth it...but it should be done anyway.

those times are now.

---

off to melaka for a couple of days. =)

lishun at 12:11 AM

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Monday, May 07, 2007

adding to the list

here's one for the post below:

watching united lift the premiership trophy again.

whee!

lishun at 9:13 AM

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

my favourite things

prayers in the car. mudslide cocktails. puppies licking my face. long emails from friends. good eye contact. metaphors. inside jokes. unusual chord progressions. handmade gifts. new textbooks. bits of wisdom from my mother. short jogs at the park. thick peanut butter sandwiches dunked in milo. long drives home. football statistics. trivia. sarcastic authors. sand between my toes. large amounts of storage space. cute telly doctors. trips to singapore. bkt. maggi mee tomyam. cleo magazine. accidental brushes. a crisp white shirt. estee lauder pleasures. hairwash at the salon. gil grissom. solo museum expeditions. glam rock. antique cars. cuddles with my dog. whiffs of aftershave. irony. emo indie. empty stretches of road. spontaneous icecream outings. sucker punches against liverpool. dimples and triangular smiles.

adding to this list makes me really happy.

lishun at 10:27 AM

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

a question

"hey lishun, have you ever thought of how your wedding dress would look like?"

---

the sky is a clear blue on that beautiful saturday afternoon. a gentle breeze rustles the leaves on the vines that curl up the pillars of the gazebo, framing the three figures, waiting at the entrance. the one in the centre has a thick book in his hands, while another holds a small velvet box. as for the third, his smile twitches as he nervously fiddles with the purple scarf in his breast pocket. he looks down the aisle before him in anticipation, past the carpet on the grass, past the loved ones that line the path, searching for the one who would soon join him at the gazebo.

right on cue, the pianist starts playing the first few chords announcing her arrival. she almost floats into the picture, the figure in white, her hands grasping a bouquet of crimson gerbera daisies tied with a purple ribbon to match his scarf. the train of her beaded vintage gown trails behind her as her bridesmaids walk cautiously to avoid stepping on it. her neck and shoulders are bare save for her mother's prized pearl necklace, lovingly presented to her just the night before. but those details matter nothing to her as she focuses on making her way to the man waiting for her at the steps, his grin sweeping aside every bit of anxiety he felt before.

as she reaches the gazebo, he takes her hands and for the brief moment before the priest begins the ceremony, they both know that they have nothing to worry about.

---

"nola. not even a potential groom in sight, want to think about wedding dress some more ah?"

lishun at 5:00 PM

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