Saturday, June 30, 2007

ugly feet

it's ridiculously warm today. the air has refused to budge, not even with the less than gentle prodding of my wall fan. i've just finished soaking my ugly, calloused feet and rubbing lotion on them in the hopes that they will heal. it seems highly unlikely, though, unless i start wearing more big comfy shoes with extra padding instead of the open sandals i adorn on my feet each day. i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle against the inappropriately-placed pressure points on the soles of my feet. i can help solve people's problems and get everyone to church on time, but i can't make sure my feet stay smooth and presentable. i dread going into people's houses and avoid crossing my legs, lest i expose the horror that is the condition of my feet. what am i to do?

sigh.

incomprehensible babbling again.

i blame the darned weather

lishun at 5:09 PM

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

communication

there are a few things on my mind. i'm just not sure of how to communicate them. properly, anyway.

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of all the things i'm doing now, i don't want to do that anymore. it sucks.

---

everyone plays favourites. even my dog - she obviously adores my father most. some parents may do a good job at hiding their preferences, but i believe they still have their own favourite kid among their children. me? let's just say i don't buy food for any tom, dick and harry. but it bothers me...what about the ones that aren't favoured? by playing favourites, i'm leaving them behind. i'd like to think that someone else might pick them up, but what if no one does?

---

i didn't go to the national library. i didn't go to orchard. i didn't shop. but i did get to spend time with friends. i ate enough icecream to last me a couple of months. i watched people do supernatural things with fire. i got to go to my old church. it was good.

---

am i doing the right thing? i intend it to be casual, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it is. i supposed this feeling of being a liar to myself, to God, is a sure sign something isn't right. and yet it does seem right sometimes too...

---

"you don't need the answers to all of life's questions
just know that He loves them and stay by their side
love them like Jesus."

---

it's been a week of wrong timing. singapore. kyle. ashley. bleh.

---

that's it. nothing to see here. run along now.

lishun at 10:59 PM

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

to the little red dot

i'm grateful for this weekend; no matter how haphazardly put-together it is, despite for the first time i have no concrete plans, and regardless of the fact that i am putting alot of responsibilities on hold for this.

it's escapism, i know. singapore is my hiding place, my very expensive hiding place, where i can zone out at orchard library, waterfront, chijmes, clarke quay. over there, i am far from the soft eyes that haunt me in my daydreams here, far from meetings, textbooks, obligatory phonecalls. escapism isn't healthy, but i'd rather have singapore in place of sleeping pills, alcohol and whatever else people get into just for a moment or two outside reality.

so i'm braving the 10-hr train ride in a seated cabin and very possibly a pathetically broke situation, just so i can go to that place i miss so much, meet up with people who spend far too little time with me, and worship at the place where i really found God for the first time.

bye malaysia. you won't be missed for the next couple of days.

lishun at 11:45 PM

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

this is a filler

today is one of those days where a single moment has defined the last 24 hours and i have exaggerated the amount of things i need to think about. the proof of that exaggeration? the very fact that i have absolutely nothing of value to blog about...nothing of value to the general public, that is.

so this is a filler, in place of the chemicals and emotions running through my blood. here's a song, "till kingdom come" by coldplay, that has captured my attention this week. turns out it's a tribute to johnny cash, which explains the low pitch and deep tone. love the words.

enjoy. =)



"still my heart and hold my tongue
i feel my time, my time has come
let me in, unlock the door
i've never felt this way before

the wheels just keep on turning
the drummer begins to drum
i don't know which way i'm going
i don't know which way i've come

hold my head inside your hands
i need someone who understands
i need someone, someone who hears
for you i've waited all these years

for you i'd wait till kingdom comes
until my day, my day is done
and say you'll come and set me free
just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me"

lishun at 10:43 PM

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Monday, June 18, 2007

not too sure



my mother's told me time and time again that the above situation would be plain sad. she's always insisted that it wouldn't be that bad if it were the other way around.

i know she's just protecting me, but i'm not too sure i agree with her.

think i'll go back to praying.

and studying.

bye.

lishun at 11:11 PM

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Sunday, June 17, 2007

ant-like mentality

about a month ago, i went out for lunch with a friend (ep) who works for fes. we talked a bit about a variety of topics, and there was a point where i expressed how i felt about my talents and abilities.

me: i will never be able to do administrative work. i'd much rather get my hands dirty, do what's needed to do, be right on the frontlines, and not have to care about red tape or big decisions or politics.

ep: in other words you're the typical malaysian who only wants to do work, earn your money and not need to think about bigger issues, issit?

her response brought me down to earth. hard. i am becoming an ant. i'm moulded towards sticking to doing what i'm good at, what i'm comfortable with. i don't want to have to make decisions and draft policies. i just want to exist, in mediocrity and nothing more. a worker, not a world-shaper.

what happened to saving the earth?

it made me pine for more. i've been in this country for too long and i'm going to remain here for many many years to come. too long. it's much too long.

yet God has spoken. He's got His reasons for ensuring i stay in this country. but how can i do my best if my mind is limited to what i see, hear, do on malaysian soil among fellow malaysians? sure i've had my 2 years in hk and 2 years in singapore, but has that done me any good other than make sure i can form grammatically correct sentences?

maybe it's my own desires stirring up discontent in my heart. however, i just can't stop thinking about ep said. sigh.

lishun at 7:52 AM

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Friday, June 15, 2007

an empty toolbox

"the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?"
- fix you by coldplay

i felt like crying tonight. i fell onto my knees and felt totally helpless.

i'm used to fixing things. a library book with a broken spine? nothing some cellophane tape in strategic areas can't fix. a misunderstanding with your best friend? my specialty is in moderating discussions. a sticky situation with transport to church? it's alright, i'll do my best to rectify it...with some extra help of course.

but a broken heart that has wandered off to unfamiliar territory? a heart i care about deeply but is so lost that i am afraid i will lose forever? i feel so helpless and worried. it feels like my heart is broken too.

people call this empathy. i call it immeasurable grief. my toolbox is empty, i have nothing to mend with. Lord, this one's Yours.

lishun at 11:15 PM

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

vulnerable

i've been trying so long to be a stereotypical guy that every time i am reminded of my femininity, i turn away in disgust.

can you blame me? i was named after a chinese emperor in the hopes that i'd be born a boy. imagine the crushed expectations when i emerged a girl. what a burden to bear. no high profile position, no amount of As in my report card, no haircut could ever make up for that.

i am dismayed at the fact that i cry when i listen to bob carlisle's "butterfly kisses" and that as hard as i try to deny it, i suffer from pms. it hurts my ego to accept that i do get lonely in spite of my self-confidence and that deep down i believe in becoming a stepford wife who looks pretty in an apron, reads "the economist" and ushers her beautiful family to church every sunday morning.

so much for having the uncanny ability to understand the male psyche. biology doesn't lie.

anyway. repro in-course assessment tomorrow. 32 out of 35 lectures were dedicated to the female reproductive system; the boys only had 5 hours of stage time. there were moments when, studying yet another long list of causes of amenorrhoea, i loathed myself for being a woman with cyclical hormones and a vulnerable heart.

john mayer may have sung, "boys would be gone without warmth from a woman's good, good heart", but sometimes i still wish i fulfilled the original intention of my name.

lishun at 10:59 PM

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His highest

June 13, 2007
Getting There (3)

". . . come, follow Me"
— Luke 18:22

Where our individual desire dies and sanctified surrender lives.

One of the greatest hindrances in coming to Jesus is the excuse of our own individual temperament. We make our temperament and our natural desires barriers to coming to Jesus. Yet the first thing we realize when we do come to Jesus is that He pays no attention whatsoever to our natural desires.

We have the idea that we can dedicate our gifts to God. However, you cannot dedicate what is not yours. There is actually only one thing you can dedicate to God, and that is your right to yourself (see Romans 12:1 - "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship"). If you will give God your right to yourself, He will make a holy experiment out of you — and His experiments always succeed.

The one true mark of a saint of God is the inner creativity that flows from being totally surrendered to Jesus Christ. In the life of a saint there is this amazing Well, which is a continual Source of original life. The Spirit of God is a Well of water springing up perpetually fresh. A saint realizes that it is God who engineers his circumstances; consequently there are no complaints, only unrestrained surrender to Jesus. Never try to make your experience a principle for others, but allow God to be as creative and original with others as He is with you.

If you abandon everything to Jesus, and come when He says, "Come," then He will continue to say, "Come," through you. You will go out into the world reproducing the echo of Christ’s "Come." That is the result in every soul who has abandoned all and come to Jesus.

Have I come to Him? Will I come now?

from "my utmost for His highest"

---

sometimes the way God speaks is so clear, so straight to the point, so completely at the right time that it takes my breath away.

lishun at 12:53 AM

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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

for a moment

"i'm twenty two for a moment
she feels better than ever and we're on fire
making our way back from mars"
- 100 years by five for fighting

i have a habit of remembering birthdays and then forgetting about it on that day itself. just a couple of days ago, i recall typing out a text message to a friend in russia, only to find i didn't have his russian cell phone number. so i made a mental note to send him an online greeting. and promptly forgot...till 5 days later.

fine, forgetting your friends' bdays may not be a unforgivable, but forgetting your own?

it was to my horror yesterday that i realised i had forgotten that it's my birthday today. i fell right into a junior's "what's your favourite cake?" trap and only caught on a couple of hours later. as a consequence, i received a pleasant (genuine) surprise after my lectures when, walking out of the lecture hall, i was greeted by a bunch of my church kaki belting out a birthday song and presented with a cake that said, "happy birthday mommy".

omg. i'm a mommy. lol.

anyway, birthdays are but for a moment. 24 hours times 70 isn't a very long time in an entire lifetime. that's probably why my family's always been against parties and doesn't believe in celebrating an insignificant annual event like a birthday.

still, i'm extremely grateful for God who created me, my mother who cooked mee sua with two eggs and one chicken drumstick (just the way it should be done), my father who continues in his silent love for me, my sister who spent a year making a rug for my birthday (it's orange, with a dog on it), my brothers and sisters who took time off their studying to go get the cake and relight-able candles (haha too bad i noticed - lishun knows all lol), my friends who called/smsed/wished me...

thank you all so so much for making this moment, although it repeats itself every 365 days and lasts all of only 24 hours, a moment that will still park itself in my memories. God bless you all. =)

lishun at 7:14 AM

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Monday, June 11, 2007

so come

"when i first held you i was cold
a melting snowman i was told
but there was no one there to hold before
i swore that i would be alone forever more
oh wow look at you now
flowers in the window
it's such a lovely day and i'm glad you feel the same
to stand up out in the crowd
you are one in a million and i love you so
let's watch the flowers grow"
- flowers in the window by travis

yesterday, i opened up the book charlene gave me for christmas for the first time. i'd heard of the book before, about how john and stasi eldredge really managed to capture what it really meant to be a woman in their book "captivating".

i don't read books like that. i hate being told who i should be, what i should be doing, no matter how much i fit in and seem to be striving to please. who are you to tell me what i'm supposed to feel as a woman, anyway? i know who i am, i know what i like, so freaking buzz off already, thanks.

here's where the "but" is supposed to come in. there really isn't a "but", mainly because as much as i found some parts of the book uncomfortably accurate (don't touch that wall, don't you dare), i found other parts waaaaay too corny for my taste.

still, i'm not here to be a cynic and a wet blanket like i have been in my last couple of posts. there were some passages in the book that got my spirits up enough for me to put a travis cd into my car cd player and actually sing along to "flowers in the window". i even put the song on repeat. that's how much more high-spirited i am today. God knows how to cheer His people up, even if it's through a book that's half devastating truth and half chick flick.

doesn't change the fact that repro's on friday and i'm nowhere near done. doesn't mean i'm all sugar and butterflies now (am listening to nirvana as i'm typing this). but it does mean i don't feel like clamping my jaws onto your neck anymore and it's safe to come talk to me.

so come.

lishun at 8:12 PM

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

whatever

"built a wall around my heart
i'll never let it fall apart
but strangely i wish secretly
it would fall down when i'm asleep"
- nothing lasts forever by maroon 5

what keeps me sane when i'm in these moods is the knowledge of the theory of the fact (tautology, anyone?) that i'm not the only one who feels like this. gone is the teenage girl who thought the world revolved around me and that no one can possibly understand me, that i'm the only one who gets insecure, gets unjustifiably worried and neurotic. it's perfectly normal and it means i have no right to judge others who have their own little breakdowns.

of course, knowing all that doesn't make me feel any better - it just retains my ability to function, to get out of bed, drive to a coffee joint, sit myself down for 2 hours and study. it means i can smile at the family that goes for breakfast at that cafe every sunday morning and guess how old their daughter is (she can walk on her own - definitely at least 18 months old).

yeah there's a wall around my heart and i guard it fiercely. only Jesus has broken through, but that's because He's the only one who has ever wanted to. or tried hard enough, anyway.

sigh. i dunnola i dunnola. sigh.

lishun at 2:14 PM

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shut up

i'm reminded of the end scene in the music video for ronan keating's "when you say nothing at all", when this guy, who spent the entire video talking and promoting "notting hill", sat down next to a girl on a bench and she put her fingers over his lips and said, "ssh. you talk too much."

can someone do that for me please? give me an irritated look when i've ribbed you enough. give me a nudge when i say something i shouldn't have. throw me a stern glance if you think i'm talking too much. or just tell me to shut up. please.

i'm extremely pissed off that i'm talking so much and spouting so much nonsense, so much rubbish and carrying on the most meaningless conversations ever just to make up for the growing desire to isolate myself and be unreasonably moody in some corner somewhere.

what kind of coping mechanism is this? the do-exactly-the-opposite-of-what-you-feel-like-doing method? in that case, it should be renamed the be-a-moron-just-to-avoid-having-to-come-to-terms-with-things mechanism of coping.

but what am i supposed to be coming to terms with? my impending doom next friday? the fact that i'm feeling pressured to do things and feel things that i shouldn't be doing or feeling? pressured by what, anyway?

yesterday evening, i used an atm and walked away without taking the cash. by the time i realised my mistake, the atm ate my money. i wonder if it'll be added back into my account balance. later that same day, i made a wrong turning while driving to our supper place after service. i forgot to call my grandmother. then, when sending some friends home, i made a wrong decision about which route to take, and that effectively landed me home past 1am. which brings me here.

i'm confused and absent-minded, restless and distracted. what the [insert expletive here] is wrong with me?!

lishun at 1:19 AM

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Friday, June 08, 2007

verbal diarrhoea

i'm getting the same sick feeling i got last semester during that literally bloody system; a sense of impending failure and futility in everything i'm doing. the fact that, the last time, my gut feelings were right doesn't exactly make me feel any better. also, i'm worried about my growing tendency to say the first thing that comes out of my mouth, even when it's highly inappropriate. what point am i trying to make by being deliberately stupid and lame and insensitive? that i'm currently experiencing increasing bouts of insecurity, loneliness and shame and i'm making up for it, smoothing out the edges, by trying to be funny or whatever? funny that it's times like this when i need God the most that i pull away and resign to being mediocre and outwardly pitiful, fishing for attention like a whore. funnier still that i'm putting into practice the good habit of doing my rationalising out loud rather than in my head but it's done nothing other than make me feel like an utter fool for having such juvenile thoughts yet doing a good job at covering up the immaturity by using some impressive vocabulary. would it be better if i just withdrew into myself? sitting in a corner during malaysian studies, i felt like i was in the best place in the world. safe between two walls. no one talked to me and i had no desire to talk to anyone anyway. i never felt more like myself then, sitting on the floor. to be honest, the only reason why i've felt the need to go through it all again is because there really has been no one at all since those silly times so many years ago. hard to believe, but it's true. they never meant a thing, not like he used to. i felt almost forced those times, like how i feel forced now. stupid peer pressure, dictating how we should live our lives and how we should feel, who our emotions should be invested into and for what reason other than to please others, conform to whatever culture is in at the moment? can i do anything other than loathe myself for succumbing to it all? i don't even want to be here. there's no place for me here anyway. no place at all. i regret the coffee this afternoon. it made me irritable and irritatingly irritated. there was a moment when i almost reached over and dialed the number just so i could let it all out. i hate that there was just one person i wanted to call - the wrong person. i knew it was the caffeine, but i was on the verge of punching my right hand through the wall just to break my knuckles and let the pain manifest there instead of in the crevices of my palpitating heart. i feel guilty for being moody so i cracked the stupidest jokes ever and adopted the most pathetic act cute acts in a vain attempt to perhaps salvage my reputation as someone always ready with some good advice and a comforting shoulder. did it work? did you manage to see through me and realise that i was just desperate to impress? i doubt you did. your attention was elsewhere, and rightfully so. no need to waste any unnecessary energy by straining to hear what i was really trying to say. it's not important anyway. i'm fraught with worry. it's frustrating that at times like this, doubts about the sufficiency of Your grace and love start to resurface. are You sure You have room for a desolate like me? i know You do, just worried that i will forget it. it'd be ridiculous to want me. why would anyone? as i've said so many times, there will not be anyone who will truly miss me. outside of family, outside of blood and common alleles. you won't miss me and i would never hold you against it. would still be nice if someone did, though. i'm falling asleep at the keyboard, the first time i've felt drowsy before 2am this week. in a way i'm relieved but in another i grieve. already, life has moved on, whether or not i was ready for it to. just a second ago, someone gave birth to a new life and maybe you finished reading that lecture note you've been intending to read all day. me, i'm going to bed. do me a favour and miss me while i'm gone. humour my insecurities and wish me sweet dreams.

lishun at 11:15 PM

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Thursday, June 07, 2007

over my head

"i never knew that everything was falling through
that everyone i knew was waiting on a queue
to turn and run when all i needed was the truth
but that's how it's got to be
it's coming down to nothing more than apathy
i'd rather turn the other way than stay and see
the smoke and who's still standing when it clears"
- over my head by the fray

there comes a point when i just have to admit that i'm taking on too much. not just the strain of things to do or duties to fulfill, but the weight of emotional issues that are screwing up my circadian rhythm, my sleeping habits, my concentration much much more than the suffocating feeling of having too many little things to do. i can't remember a single thing i've studied today and i haven't had a good night's sleep in days. my mind's not even in the present. i can't believe it's thursday already. where did the time go? i didn't even see the sun rise or set today.

i don't need so much of a break than i do need a good rewind and replay. good grief i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

lishun at 11:13 PM

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Wednesday, June 06, 2007

blood

"what good is talent in the written word, a way with ink on paper, when the real value of words lies in how they're spoken, released from willing lips, allowed to perch in another's heart?"

a couple of months ago, some friends and i talked about a mutual friend whom we knew was at the brink of going over the edge. i couldn't help but feel responsible in some little indirect way for how screwed up things seem for him now, and i expressed the kind of frustration i usually feel when i'm at wit's end as to how to help someone who has come to me with very real problems, suffering from very real depression.

"i just wish i knew what i can do to help him," i said, "just to be sure that i've done all i can. so that should anything happen, at least i'd know i tried."

"you mean you don't want blood on your hands?" my friend inquired. "in that case, it's too late. if anything happens, we'd all have his blood on our hands."

i get scared, sometimes, when my friends confide in me and trust their feelings with me. i never know the right things to say or do or what not to say or do. some people have the natural ability to discern how long a silence is enough and what is most appropriate to be said in order to break that silence. i don't have that.

before i open my mouth, or at the very moment the phone starts ringing, i have to utter a quick prayer and close my eyes to hope that the right words will be said in the right spirit, that my ears will hear what they're really saying. as long as whatever happens in the next couple of minutes can, in any little way, pull them away from the edge for a while...that's enough.

enough to hopefully wash my hands of their blood.

june thinks i'm overdramatising things. i personally think it's the hormones acting up on me. whatever it is, recent events have just forced me to...think. i'm not sure why it's affected me so much and how, in some muddled way, i've managed to associate it all with something else totally unrelated...

...it's just disturbing and i feel extremely disturbed.

---

what do you say? to someone who has lost a close friend? to someone whose plans have fallen apart? how do you avoid the cliches and empty words? what do you write, nevermind say?

lishun at 11:31 PM

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Monday, June 04, 2007

go home

the curtains in my room are drawn shut, over windows clamped closed to keep out the sun, the wind, the prying eyes of my neighbours.

but most of all, i keep my room concealed out of shame, in a vain attempt to hide from God and build myself a chamber that is free from the guilt i suffer every night as i click off the lights. only He knows. only He understands a broken heart, bound by sin, shackled by temptation.

my broken heart.

---

i'm outside, looking in. teased by the thought. sobered by reality. tempted by the lies. held down by the truth. i'm outside, looking in. reaching in, standing outside.

---

it has been said that they're obvious. well, they're obvious alright...
obviously not interested.

---

i would rather cross my arms and arm myself with a look of bemusement, make mildly sarcastic remarks about everything you say and refuse to look you in the eye. i would rather do all that than to laugh and allow myself to enjoy your presence.

jealous me, i could never live with the knowledge that you belong to no one but Him and i'd have to share you with the others who do laugh and enjoy you openly.

i would rather convey a subtle hostility towards you than wish i didn't have to. you already give so much of yourself to so many people. it wouldn't hurt you to not give anything to me and it doesn't hurt me to not receive. i would rather not, anyway.

---

stop fighting, go home. stop crying, pray. remember who, not why. go home.

lishun at 11:09 PM

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Sunday, June 03, 2007

icecream for my Hero



i'm still tied up. there's just no time to rescue myself. lectures to revise. calls to make. people to think about. my family to love. applications to send in. smiles and comforting words to deliver. i have no time to rescue myself when i'm far too busy trying to rescue the world.

where's my scoop of icecream, my stack of archie comics, my arctic monkeys cd playing on loop?

and yet yesterday, God reminded me that the true joy anyone can indulge in is in His presence, singing His praises, going back to the very reason i believe in Him. dwelling in His salvation, remembering calvary. the basic truths that are so easily taken for granted and left to play as background music.

i knew i was straying. i squeezed little prayers of desperation in the cracks between my distractions and You heard me. thank You for bringing me home again.

here's some icecream for my Hero. =)

lishun at 10:40 AM

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