Tuesday, July 31, 2007

an announcement

the episode below was specially brought to you by "PII EM ESS" - guaranteed to ruin your day and make you hate your XX chromosomes.

thank you.

lishun at 11:46 PM

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Monday, July 30, 2007

it's raining

"now that it's raining more than ever
know that we still have each other
you can stand under my umbrella"
- umbrella by rihanna


i awoke to the sound of rain this morning. the roads were jam packed with cars maneuvering carefully along the slippery highway. i have never seen such overcast skies in ages, never had to drive through a morning storm. i would have enjoyed it much more if this happened at a different season in my life.

i've been getting one of those days more and more often.

sometimes i wonder if this is actually a good time for me to throw up my arms and say enough is enough, i cannot go on any longer. i'm not getting paid for half the things i'm doing now and i'm not happy doing most of them either. the people are great, great at pretending that they are enjoying themselves, great at giving me pats on the back and encouragement every hour of the day. i should know...i'm great at doing that too.

you want to know what's really driving me, why i can say "yes" so cheerfully to everything? it's because i don't want to have to spout fake excuses that will have to follow a "no" and be honest...that's the only reason you're being so obliging too.

don't you dare try and make me feel guilty. spare me the lecture on doing things out of love. love, human love anyway, has its limits and i've reached mine.

yes yes draw from the well of God and i will never thirst, but face it...even the most righteous face their humanity in the darkest of times. even they can't appreciate a fiercely beautiful morning rainstorm when they see nothing but despair in front of their eyes, when the shiny promise they hold tightly in their hands seems dismally small.

have you seen me cry? i only ever cry in the rain so i alone can hear the falling of my tears. it's been raining every day now, hasn't it?

---
so what is this then? am i just being whiny? lazy? or is this a real cry for a reprieve from all this madness?

lishun at 11:42 PM

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Sunday, July 29, 2007

painting the town red



it's funny how, at the beginning of the year, i whined about not being able to hop two states south to melaka to visit some friends and down a couple of chicken rice balls...and here i am, back from my third trip down to that little state. it's funny. it really is.



i don't know what it is about that place that has me yearning to visit again and again. perhaps it's to satisfy my craving for good photography opportunities and (somewhat) pedestrian-friendly streets. it could be that melaka has so many hidden treasures that a single trip could hardly do it justice.



every turn could either take you back to where you came from or to a new place altogether. i exclaimed at murals within abandoned buildings and giant clogs outside furniture shops. graffiti-covered walls betrayed remnants of poster wars, evidence of rival companies fighting for first dibs on advertising space.



even the most lifeless of things had a life of their own. a broken safe proudly displayed its impenetrability, a kerosene fridge threatened to travel back in time, barbed wire clung fiercely to yellow pipes. they had a story even in their rusted out state. where else would objects have so much to say?



thanks girls. for being such excellent company, for staying awake to keep me awake, for hiding your disappointment of not buying back any dodol or pineapple tarts, for entertaining my strange photo requests, for being total darlings.

let's do this again sometime, yea?

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for more photos, click on the flickr badge on the sidebar.

lishun at 3:15 PM

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Friday, July 27, 2007

reality comes

i had one blissful day in malacca yesterday.

good company, great photo opportunities and at least 6 hours to while away as we pleased. we snapped away to our hearts' content and walked till our feet were sore. our tastebuds were tickled by the malaccan fare and, although we were dead tired by the time we got home, we returned with refreshed spirits, satisfied with the photographs we had taken and the time we had spent with each other. it was good.

but reality comes with the morning. one friend has to go back to dealing with her difficult family. another has to pack for her journey back to school. the third must once again face the fact that her holiday is over. and me? it'll be back to the desk with the telephone and fax machine and endless meetings that imprison my mind.

i'm not sure if i wish i can have my yesterday again or wish it never happened because the crash back to reality is much harder now that i know there's always something better.

lishun at 7:42 AM

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

waiting on the world to bleed

"sometimes i wonder...will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? then i look around and i realize...God left this place a long time ago."
- danny archer in "blood diamond"

there was a scene in the movie that really caught my attention. it was when archer, solomon and maddy approached the refugee camp where solomon's family were and the camera showed people lining up for food at a un world food programme tent.

the tent looked tiny compared to the vastness of the refugee camp and the multitudes of people waiting to be fed. sure, it was the size of a one-storey terrace house and there were huge trucks unloading supplies at the door. also, the programme would have kept the millions of refugees well-nourished. but what aid is that compared to the devastation of civil war? it is close to negligible on the large scale.

it is here that john mayer's satirical song "waiting on the world to change" should come to mind.

i can do without comfort. i will go and dish out food or figure out the complexities of logistics in a relief operation but that is minute in comparison to the change that is necessary in so many countries, even my own.

the real earth-shakers are not the countless men and women who give up their own lives to touch people's lives in little displays of generosity and care. the ones who can truly make things happen are the policy-makers and politicians and even the lobbyists. therefore in reality, the earth-shakers are the parents, friends, teachers who impact them along the way, who make sure those future decision-makers get on the right path, away from greed and selfishness.

when archer told maddy that he has failed to see God anywhere in the midst of the hell that is civil war, my mind automatically leapt to, "no, God is there because (and this is the over-used taken for granted phrase) He loves us". but when i gave it a second thought, i realised that he was right.

God wasn't there, but only because the people who yielded the power didn't give Him a place to stay. exactly how many of us, future policy-makers of the world, allow Him to live in us anyway? somewhere along the way we have vacated the throne where God sits in our hearts and replaced the crown on our own heads.

how then, can the world change? maybe we should just continue to wait.

---
i blame cain for committing the first murder. i blame my tear ducts for succumbing so easily to my heart. i blame the wasted time, the unnecessary conflicts. worst of all, in some cruel human reflex, i blame myself eventhough nothing's got to do with me.

lishun at 10:46 PM

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Sunday, July 22, 2007

you don't

"you don't know me, you don't wear my chains"
- boston by augustana

"no one understands me. only i alone can fight for my thoughts, sort them out into pretty packages and send them out to have action taken. even if i tell my friends or confide in my mother's attentive ears, they won't be able to comprehend how i really feel. maybe God knows what runs through my mind, but He's not a physical being, so it doesn't really count. you won't be able to relate. it's my battle to fight and i can only do it in solitude. so forgive my uppity attitude towards your sympathy and overlook my insistence on going at this alone. you don't and you can't understand, so don't try."

friend, you have more pride than you can ever imagine.

---

lishun at 8:33 PM

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going potty

i foresee a long, sleepless night ahead...

i may be quite "ketinggalan zaman" as far as harry potter fans are concerned (the book only reached my hands 2 hours ago cuz my sister got first dibs on it) but i don't care.

i just cannot believe that right now i am reading the final book of the entire harry potter series and lots of things are going to happen and i am super super super fighting the temptation to flip through the pages to know how the story ends and i am so scared that i will fall asleep before i finish thus making me unable to talk about it over brekkie with my sister in the morning and she will be super taunting me with threats of spoilers gah gah gah.

ok. back to the book.

...

OMGISTILLCANNOTBELIEVETHISISTHEFINALHARRYPOTTERBOOKAARGH!

---
i swear i will kill anyone who leaks spoilers. seriously. i will. i am a future doctor. blood and gore do not scare me. i will subject them to casino royale-esque torture first. then i'll kill them. so don't spoil it for me. don't. you. dare.

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*edit at 1728: just finished the book. am pretty satisfied. will save comments till other people finish reading too. go read it! it's soooooooooo much better than the last two sorry excuses for books.

lishun at 12:45 AM

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

unreality television

you know the world's gonna end when 34% of malaysian youth (those with enough free time on their hands anyway), when asked which reality television show best depicts their lives, vote for "my (super) sweet sixteen"*.

in case you have no idea what the show is about, it tells of the drama behind the planning of a sweet sixteen birthday party, usually that of a daddy's girl from an affluent family. highlights include the trauma of picking out a new car, the frustration of choosing a hot escort to the party and dealing with a best friend who is vying for attention as well. oh woe.

owh. mai. gowd.

when exactly did my generation morph into one where we can relate to spoilt princesses getting all bitchy about daddy choosing the hummer over the cute porsche because he didn't want her in a flimsy sportscar? how on earth can our lives be best depicted by a television show that only does two things:

1. put a kind of a sarcastic twist on how money has made our lives so much shallower
2. make people envy other people with that kind of lifestyle

how can 34% of broadband surfing teens actually say that their lives are represented by a show like "my super sweet sixteen"? was i asleep while everyone suddenly became twice richer and twice shallower?

i am too distraught over this polled opinion to even come up with a properly constructed blog post. it's just so unreal to know that my peers define their lives as one big drama where "unfair" means not getting that iPod they wanted or not being able to have a themed birthday party or whatever.

good grief. when did we stoop to these levels? when?

* taken from results of an online poll conducted by R.Age and published in the pullout on wed, 18th july 2007. it can be found on page 5 in the "online" section in the article "get real". the next 5 tv shows with the highest votes are, in descending order: laguna beach, miami ink (!), the hills and chaotic (feat. britney&kfed). really.

lishun at 12:27 AM

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Sunday, July 15, 2007

ethereal

he looked nothing out of the ordinary with this black silk shirt, sans tie, and brown hair that flopped carelessly on his forehead.

that all changed, however, the moment the music started behind him and he tenderly lifted up his instrument, placed it under his chin and began to play. for the first few notes his lips moved as he let the bow glide across the strings, coaxing the violin to take over his thoughts, take control of his voice and do the talking for him for the next 20 minutes.

his body was held captive by the music as he moved with every pull of the bow, every pluck of his fingers. there were times when he tiptoed as if compelled by an urge to fly with the swells in the score. he kept his eyes closed save for a few fleeting looks at the conductor, rewarded by a reassuring glance when their eyes met.

it was the expression on his face that kept me mesmerised the entire time. it was a look of pure pleasure, eventhough the lines on his forehead betrayed the amount of concentration and practice that was put into preparing for the performance.

i had no need to move with the music as i usually do when i listen to amazing music such as that. it felt like he had taken every bit of emotion that can possibly be illicited by anyone at all, captured it and presented it back to me in a manner that was beyond my understanding.

his body, his face, his hands, his violin...he didn't only let the music do the talking for him; he made it do the feeling for me too.

---

i sincerely believe that artists are hedonistic spirits that seek to do nothing but satisfy themselves. they are unaware of the feelings that their work evokes in the ordinary person. all they know is what makes them happy, what fulfills their overwhelming desire to create beautiful things.

i'm sure joshua bell couldn't have cared less that his recording of "the red violin" made me cry bucketfuls and that his performance last night held my emotions prisoner or that i literally forced myself to look away a couple of times because i was holding my breath every time my eyes were on him.

my ego suffers with the knowledge that artists look to satisfy their need to be creative first and that making me, the audience, happy is a money-making bonus. or should i say, a necessary reality?

but that pride is worth breaking if it means being able to experience the kind of ethereal experience i had last night.

lishun at 8:29 PM

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Saturday, July 14, 2007

great guys

good guys are the ones who fetch you home or accompany your car to make sure you're safe after a late night out and then only drive away once you have locked everything up, waved goodbye and closed the door.

good guys are also the ones who can't fetch you home or accompany your car to make sure you're safe after a late night out so they give you an sms or a call (extra points for this one) to check you're alright when you get home.

but what makes them great is the knowledge that they would do the same for anyone else.

thanks. you're the best! =)

lishun at 10:36 AM

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

untitled

maybe it's that song that has made me pine for her. perhaps it's the way her name holds such promise of romance and intrigue that i could not let her go.

our encounter a year ago was too brief to satisfy me. the circumstances surrounding our meeting were filled with pain. yet in those few moments, she impressed me with her humility and grace. her people made me feel like i belonged. when i left, i kept thinking about what i missed by taking that flight home, what could have been had i decided to stay.

when i revisit my decisions and i reconsider my reasons, should God lead me away from her, she'll still be on my mind. i hope i fall in love there, even if it's just in my dreams.

lishun at 1:10 AM

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

imponderables

why does it rain on the mornings that i have an 8am class?

why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?

why am i always 10sen short of exact change?

why do the folks at big apple donuts charge more for separate boxes of 1/2 dozen each?

why do my eyes get heavy the moment i start studying, regardless of how wide awake i am right now?

why must kidneys have so many functions and pathologies?

sigh.

lishun at 11:58 PM

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Sunday, July 08, 2007

impatience

i simplify my desires more and more each day in the hopes that someone, somewhere, will be able to fulfill them. there are times when the promises just aren't enough, when the minutes don't move fast enough and eternity is so far away. at the rate my murmuring is growing, i'm already at the edge of 40 years of wilderness.

impatience is my worst quality. that's probably the reason for a need to have my patience tested all the time. the frustration of anticipating and hoping and trusting thrives on the fertile ground of my restless nature. there is a cry within me for the waiting to end.

i know He hears me, but that sometimes simply isn't enough.

---

i wonder if He looks at me and shakes His head, dismayed at a child who has matured but not quite enough, putting obstacles in her own path, sabotaging the relationship that was so painstakingly built - all because she couldn't wait.

lishun at 2:20 PM

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Saturday, July 07, 2007

where is God?

"why are you studying medicine or pharmacy?
what do you want to achieve as a doctor or pharmacist?
what are you passionate or interested in?
what is the difference between a vocation (calling) and duty?
in what area will you specialise? why?
where do you intend to practice?
where is God in making all these decisions?"
- notes from dr.hera's talk at cf

i have asked myself these questions before. i know why i chose medicine. i want to live my life serving others. i'm passionate about finding out why people think or feel the way they do. a calling is something higher than duty. i think i'll specialise in psychiatry because it seems like i'm being led that way. i have a funny feeling i'll end up in east malaysia.

but where was God when i was pondering over those things? where is God now even as i continue to struggle to decide where and how i am going to continue my post-graduate studies? did i ask Him when i thought about taking usmle, specialising in psychiatry, practicing in sabah/sarawak? or did i consider those options based on my worldly knowledge, my friends' banter or simply my fickle, naive heart?

it's only natural to want the best for myself and my family, but what about what God thinks is best? shouldn't that be more important?

dr.hera has certainly achieved her objective to get us thinking about the future and where God really stands in our decision-making, in my decision-making. my plans seem so shaky now because they're built on the wrong foundation, laid down without being given the green light by God. yet i am secure that whatever plans He has, they will do me more good than my own plans ever will.

where is God in your decisions?

lishun at 1:24 PM

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Friday, July 06, 2007

big and small

there is no culture of hugs and kisses and "i love you"s in my house. when we wake up in the morning, we greet one another, chat a bit, i see my parents out for their morning walk, talk a little with my sister over breakfast (nothing deep - mostly what's in the news), read the papers, have my breakfast, a quick farewell to my mother and then i'm off.

it's only in the past year that i've made a point to give my mum little hugs when i see her, or pat my dad on the shoulder before i head out the door. it's just in the last couple of times my parents sent me off at the train station that i've kissed them goodbye and said that i love them. i just feel that life's too short to leave love unexpressed in any physical way possible.

it doesn't mean that my home is devoid of love. i know my family loves me, though not from verbal expression or gifts or acts of service. i know they love me because they trust me, they make sure i have everything i need, they nag me when i'm getting out of line and they have shown adequately in their own indirect ways that all they want is for me to be happy. it's the big things - trust, faith, support - that have shown they love me.

now that i know about the whole love language thing, i finally know why, for a long time, i've felt that my family's brand of love wasn't enough for me. you see, i prefer to express my affection for people by making them things, buying them things, or just going out of my way for them. it makes me happy when people feel special or know that they're on my mind...maybe because i am most insecure when i feel taken for granted.

the things i appreciated most in the past were the extra bananas my mother put on the table at breakfast so everyone can have fruit in the morning and the bowls of soup with customised contents (chicken feet for my father, extra meat for my sister, innards and gizzards for me) at dinner. thanks to some epiphany my mother had when she became ill, now i also get phone calls from her at odd times in the day, which i enjoy very very much.

i guess i was too much of an angry kid before to realise that my family actually did do their bit at showing affection in little ways: my parents gave me a birthday card one year (which i found rather amusing at the time), my father brought home my favourite peaches from china once eventhough they were declared goods he had to pay for (and he's not well-known for spending his money that way), and my sister still makes a point to ask me first for movies eventhough it's been a long time since i've had time to watch one with her.

the original question on my mind when i started typing this post out was "is love expressed more in the big things or the little things?" i just felt that although the foundation lies in the big things like responsibility, accountability and faithfulness, it all doesn't say much unless expressed in the little things that show you love someone.

i'm just grateful that i have both in my family. i hope i'll be able to pass it on in the future too.

lishun at 6:04 PM

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Thursday, July 05, 2007

late notice

if you know me, you'd know that i loathe tardiness.

as someone who gets ready 45mins before the appointed time of meeting and leaves the house 10mins earlier than usual when i have to be somewhere, i expect people to do the same.

i will understand if an overturned lorry caused mayhem on the usually quiet road you took on the way. i will not hold it against you if your daughter suddenly started vomiting the moment you put your shoes on at the door and you had to tend to her first. you'll even earn extra brownie points if you called to inform me about the delay or apologised sincerely for being late.

but to give excuses like "the bus isn't here yet" or "sorry, traffic jam" (at 7pm!) or "malaysian timing mah"...that's just total utter nonsense. you could have left your house earlier. you could have called.

and malaysian timing?! those two words should be erased from our vocabulary forever!

all the waiting ("i'm on the way!") and the calling ("sorry, i just woke up") and the wasting of time just anticipating the arrival of others ("you go ahead first, i'll catch up") has seriously made me reconsider even giving a damn about punctuality.

why get all stressed about being there on time for someone else when that person gives a clear "you are not a priority" message by being late? why bother? if you're taking me for granted and you're taking time for granted, i might as well play along and take you for granted too.

you'll be patient. you'll accept my half-past-six apology just as i have accepted yours numerous times, won't you?

well, one day i may just get tired of it all and not forgive your tardy ways anymore.

lishun at 10:59 PM

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long-suffering

i like the word "long-suffering". if i had to choose one word from the nkjv bible to call my favourite, that would be it. i like the fact that it translates into "patient" because i'm bad at being patient and having to be patient does seem like a long, drawn-out form of suffering for me.

which is why i always wear an uncomfortable smile when people dig out that good ol' verse from 1 corinthians 13:

"love suffers long and is kind."

ok fine. fair enough.

but don't make me suffer so long caaaaaaaaaan?

bleh.

lishun at 12:17 AM

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Tuesday, July 03, 2007

movie snob

i'm a bit of a snob when it comes to selecting movies to watch.

i like films with multiple layers to pick at once the lights come back on. action movies contain too many cheesy lines to maintain my interest. chick flicks make me have unrealistic expectations on what love is. the only sci-fi movies i've ever watched (and enjoyed) are the 6 in the star wars saga. horror movies are labelled "do not watch even if your life depends on it" in my world.

so call me an elitist, i don't care. i only truly enjoy movies that make me think.

.
.
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OH SCREW THAT I AM GOING TO WATCH TRANSFORMERS AGAIN EVEN IF IT MEANS TAKING UP 3 HOURS OF MY PRECIOUS NERD TIME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AUTOBOTS! MID-AIR TRANSFORMATIONS! CRASH BOOM BANG! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

lishun at 9:07 AM

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