Friday, August 31, 2007

happy merdeka

there is no jalur gemilang flying on my car. whenever i take the bus home from singapore, i use the washrooms at the second link instead of the ones at the johor checkpoint. sometimes i still begrudge the fact that i will be completing my medical education here instead of in a country with four seasons. i can barely take history from a patient in bm. if it's of any worth, i know the rukun negara, but only from "maka kami..." onwards. you'd more than likely be met with a blank stare if you asked me to explain the malaysian administrative system to you.

but i love malaccan cendol, i am ever grateful for the investment made into my education, the health benefits my parents both enjoy, penang char koay teow makes me salivate, i miss the uncle in kk who sent us to the bus station, the sunny skies for most of the year and the shameless mangling of language.

you have a long way to go, malaysia, but you're looking pretty alright for your 50 years.

happy merdeka, everyone.

lishun at 12:01 AM

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

three strikes

[ insert exposition on luke10:38-42 ]

i empathise with her. time and time again, she's been criticised unfairly, compared to her sister, with no one to defend her. she was wrong to be distracted, burdened, upset, but she knew the meaning of service, albeit in an incomplete manner. still, she was a good steward of the tasks given to her. she understood her role. His gentle berating kept her from straying from her true purpose yet He didn't condemn her...so why should you?

---

i know what you're doing, don't think i don't. you became embarrassed when i overheard what you were saying, you answered my question reluctantly. you looked down when i caught you at it, your voice softened as you acknowledged what i said.

i'm not going to say anything this time. you know what you're doing better than i do. just don't think you'll get away with it because you know it's wrong. your conscience will haunt you. i don't need to say a word.

---

i'm really really tired. may i please exchange my yoke for Yours?

lishun at 10:35 PM

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insert

[ insert pitiful expression here ]

[ insert whiny rant here ]

[ insert epiphany/witty observation here ]

[ insert common expression here ]

lishun at 12:33 AM

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Monday, August 27, 2007

where i am

this is where i am.

in the middle of a mess i have no intention of cleaning.

a hypocrite reflecting badly on who i am.

reluctant to carry out duties i have put myself in.

a wreck inside.

i know what i'm doing is wrong but i have turned deaf ears upon the peace spoken to me.

instead i have succumbed to pressure and fatigue.

dig me a hole so i can hide there.

sigh.

---

i'm trying, i'm trying...but not as hard as i can. this is not my best, and i know it. i'm cheating people of my best, cheating God of my best, every single moment and it is eating away at me all the time. still the sloth resides in me and refuses to budge. this is me at my worst. that's where i am - at my very worst.

lishun at 11:53 PM

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Sunday, August 26, 2007

an invitation

you're invited to a pity party. you have qualified for this event because:

(a) you constantly feel sorry for yourself.
(b) you blame God for putting you in that situation.
(c) you think no one understands you eventhough you're surrounded by people who constantly offer their help.
(d) you refuse to listen to advice.
(e) you refuse to act upon advice that you have agreed with.

and on top of all that, you think the right way to deal with things is to avoid, ignore, judge the situation as hopeless, and expect miracles without doing a single thing. after all, you fulfill criteria (b), where it's God's fault anyway. why continue praying in faith, why continue reading His word, why continue working on building yourself up?

isolate! that's the key!

so yeah. welcome to the pity party. you can stay as long as you want but i promise you that when you decide to leave, you'll have a much better time than you did while you were there.

---

i don't know who to apologise to.

yes, it's true that i've been in a similar situation, but the difference was that although i whined my friends' ears off, i listened to advice and i decided i wasn't going to waste my God-given life and talents by feeling sorry for myself. i had been doing it for far too long anyway.

i'm sorry if i seem insensitive or if i have come across as someone who has forgotten what it's like to be in a valley instead of on a mountaintop. the hard truth is that i acted upon what i felt God told me to do. i chose to listen to Him. i made the choice to get my sorry butt off the chair and do something.

i'm sorry if i'm being hard on you, but i simply cannot understand how someone who keeps claiming she's doing everything she can is actually doing nothing at all. and expecting special treatment too. there's only so long that i, or anyone else, can hold your hand before we have to let go...for your own good.

the journey is yours to take. the decision is yours to make. God can lead you to the right path through the people He has put among you, but He can't force you to walk. well technically He can, but it would totally defeat the whole purpose of creating you.

anyway, i don't know what to say to you because i've already said pretty much everything that's been on my mind. short of risking offending you, that is. that's what's going to happen the next time i open my mouth on the issue.

if you read all this properly, never once did i say that coming to my senses meant the problem went away. it didn't. but doing something about it instead of carrying on feeling sorry for myself was a step in the right direction that God had shown me.

so help me understand why you would choose to not do anything, because seriously? i think you're out of your mind.

lishun at 11:47 AM

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

test of personality

hi, my name is lishun and i am a rehabilitated personality test junkie.

i've done almost all the tests at emode and exhausted the questionnaires at queendom. i even made up a personality test that was published in the school mag. at the time, i thought it was just fun and games and nothing else. however, on hindsight, what it really was was a desperate search for identity, an affirmation of who i thought i was.

my mother asked me a personality quiz question just a few minutes ago. as she read the analysis of my answer out loud, it came to me that while i used to believe that some innate quality in me must have influenced the choices i made, it's just as possible that the results of the tests i took must have influenced the person that i am.

how ridiculous! to think that some human-created test had the right to tell me who i should be! besides, all those tests are designed to come up with an answer to satisfy the majority who are, incidentally, mostly women. how tragic then that we are so insecure as to find our place where a test tells us we should be.

anyway, all that prompted me to reflect on how much of who i am and how i do things was really dependent on the results of the tests i took so long ago. perhaps i've been bound by peer pressure for much longer than i thought.

my mother told me she felt like the test was very accurate. i felt it was totally irrelevant to me, and i wasn't afraid to say so. it made me think of all the times in the past when i had willed a test result to be accurate and then made "suitable" changes in my life to make sure it really was. for a moment i could remember exactly how it felt to need approval to be myself.

right now, i am secure of who i am because i know where my security lies. it's no longer in a questionnaire that is designed not only to please but also to gather important marketing information for sponsors. i skip the quiz pages in the magazine and i have stopped visiting websites offering personality tests.

those questions and pages will fade to yellow and crumble to ashes but my identity in Christ? that will last forever.

lishun at 11:20 PM

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

afterthought after an after10

my temper's a sneaky one. it had me believing that i had it overcome, that i will no longer lose myself in it.

but there it was tonight, brewing at the surface, evident in my face. it took alot for me to not be sarcastic towards her, but the result of that was me being unfairly sarcastic to him while downing a kononnya "specialty hot cocktail" to calm my nerves, no less.

i've never had to do that. i pray i never will again.

---

i'm sorry for being really snide towards you and expressing such contempt for your relationship. that's not what friends should do. i should be more supportive. sometimes i forget that sharp words can hurt more than actions ever will. i am remorseful for the things i said tonight and can only hope you'll forgive me.

lishun at 11:59 PM

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Monday, August 20, 2007

i live, i breathe

i almost forgot this song. it was at the tip of my tongue all week and finally, last night, i found myself subconsciously humming it out loud while driving home. it's a song i heard for the first and only time at everynation singapore, yet it has remained with me after so long.

during this time when words are hardly sufficient to express what's in my heart and in my head, the music is doing the talking for me instead.

i didn't deserve Your grace
i didn't deserve Your mercy
but still You took my place because You loved me
and for You, it wasn't enough to save my soul
to set me free and to make me whole
You had a plan for me, a destiny for my life

so i live to bring You glory, i breathe to bring You praise
You paid the ransom for me and You took away my shame
You said that You delight in me and i know Your word is true
i live, i breathe, i love to worship You

now i receive Your grace
now i receive Your mercy
and i want to be like You, to follow Your heart
and for me it isn't enough to take Your name
and accept Your gift and remain the same
i wanna honour You, to bless You all of my days


i hope you're as blessed by the song as i was when i first heard it. =)

lishun at 11:35 PM

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Sunday, August 19, 2007

one for the road

i don't think i'll be doing any more shallow posts, mainly because i've become increasingly uncomfortable about objectifying people. however, if i'm going to stop being a giggly schoolgirl and become a boring old grandmother, i might as well bid adieu to my drooling days with a bang, no?

so this is one for the road. josh hartnett. knock yourself out. i know i will. lol.



what gets to me about him is his voice. ok fine the deep-set eyes too. and the dimples. and...

...will stop now. kthxbai.

lishun at 11:26 PM

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than i thought

it's harder than i thought it would be. it's everywhere i look, in everything i see. it's implied all the time, eventhough it's never mentioned explicitly. when i talk about it, i can feel my hands tremble. when it comes into my mind, my body shakes as i try my best to not let it take control of me. when i lie in my bed, i have to consciously block it out. it's ridiculous how i still manage to get into a position where i find myself right at the edge, about to fall in, without me realising it. it's as though it has a grip on my body, able to manipulate me against my will. i wake up right at the moment when i'm about to relent, just in time to stop-repent-pray. a constant struggle to not feed the temptation, to extinguish it instead. guard my eyes, my lips, my hands. it's an uphill climb, but i'm gaining momentum. it's a never-ending battle, but i can feel myself winning. not by myself, but with the holy spirit with me. it's still harder than i thought it would be, but i know it can only get easier now.

lishun at 5:28 PM

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Saturday, August 18, 2007

so far in

"she wears her heart like her skin, she's always outside in
but sometimes, sometimes she'll fall down
she's so far in"
- from sometimes by howie beck

this week has flown by. days within white walls, music playing from a white ibook. days with people displaying passion i can only pray i'll have burning in me too. days with two kinds of family tied by blood in more ways than one.

i have alot to say but more to listen to.

i find myself at a loss of words for the first time in a long while. there's an odd cocktail of disbelief, euphoria and detachment in me, like i'm not really here. like i'm blindfolded, possibly standing in the middle of the desert, the eye of a hurricane or even on the edge of a cliff, about to fall down. like i'm looking right at myself from a third person's point of view.

there's no way to really express how i feel at the moment or what my thoughts are. they're swirled like colours on a palette, scents in a bottle of perfume. wrapped up in so many things that i don't know what i'm tasting anymore.

it's unfamiliar territory and i'm not sure of what to make of this sensation.

lishun at 3:38 PM

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

sound bites

when i see a tshirt with something witty, cheeky, flirty on it, the first person i think of is you. maybe it's a habit from those many years; you were the one i thought of every moment of the day for so long that now, even when it's not like that anymore, my mind jumps straight to you anyway.

i'm glad it no longer hurts when i think of you, but i would rather be safe than sorry. so now i ask if the shirt comes in women's sizes and i buy it for myself. or i just leave it on the shelf and let someone else have the pleasure of owning the shirt that had your name written on it.

---

we talked a little about our old diaries last week. i don't keep a personal journal anymore, not since i've become comfortable here. in the years to come, i will regret the decision to put my pen and notebook away, but for now this is enough.

i'm glad to know that i was a typical teen living in a tiny world. i guess at that age, pride occupies the heart more than anything else.

if there were a reason to be grateful for growing up, becoming more mature and being humbled every day would be a good one.

---

ps steven: (serious) lishun ah? i want to ask you a question.
me: (cutting paper) yes?
ps steven: when you're cutting the paper right...
me: (still cutting) yeah?
ps steven: are you thinking of cutting up your patients?
me: *stunned*
ps steven: (to himself) i know i'm good...

---

she's going to spain to touch some lives and maybe come back a changed woman. i pray for rain to refresh her in the scorching heat and the moon to light her path as she does Your work. Lord, use her and the team to the maximum, bless them in their journey. be glorified through them, through their works, through her.

protect Your daughter. bring her home safe.

---

oh. em. gee. i am going to start sem5 next week! let the countdown to eos begin. gah!

lishun at 8:46 AM

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

some things

so.

i learnt a couple of things this week. not sure how to express them, as there are just so many different kinds of revelations that it's impossible to word it all in a fluid manner.

it's so much better to tell the truth.

sensitive people are a pain (but i *grits teeth* love them anyway).

i tend to get carried away.

wisdom does fail us sometimes.

BiRd$ oF a f3AtHeR fLoCk 2geTha. (yuen, you'll know what i mean haha)

and other stuff la. i actually have alot to blog about, just not sure if it's appropriate to make my thoughts public this time, because the ultimate lesson i've learnt this week is...

some things are better left unsaid.

lishun at 8:57 AM

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Monday, August 13, 2007

hogging my drama

sometimes i wonder what it is i'm being protected from, what it is that i'm missing. why has He made it so that i live such a sheltered life, shielded from the elements, enclosed in a sarcophagus while my heart is still beating? is it really something i cannot handle? will i be crippled by the experience?

why should people like him, her, them have the privilege (or misfortune, whichever way you look at it) of going through it when i don't? why are they hogging my drama?

i used to wish it upon myself to experience it too. maybe it'll allow me to relate to people better or write more heartfelt prose and poetry. an artist is not an artist if she has not suffered.

but then i realised how stupid it would be to actually want to make horrible mistakes or go through heartbreak. what idiot would ever wish hardship upon herself? (this idiot, that's who)

in the wise words of chris daughtry, "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all...and some that you don't want". there is truth to those words, eventhough they come from a cliched radio-friendly pseudo-rock song.

i'm much more careful now about what i wish for.

lishun at 10:03 PM

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

race grace

"the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
the voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
out of all the voices calling out to me
i will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth"
- from the voice of truth by casting crowns

as the starting gun went off, i adjusted the music on my mp3 player to the first song in the list. i knew all the words because i'd been meditating on those songs for the past week and i let the music and the lyrics flood my mind while my legs kept moving me forward. i had to keep myself from singing out loud with the joy that spread through my heart. i hadn't been running for a long time now but the discouragement that kept me from getting out of bed last week faded away as the music played comfort into my soul.

for some reason, the fatigue that usually overcomes me at the halfway mark didn't make an appearance at all. i felt no need to stop jogging or to slow my pace eventhough my mind almost forced me to. "you've been going on for too long, just rest awhile." i ignored that voice and focused instead on the one that said "hey, you're doing great...keep going!"

to my surprise, i ran the entire 10km for the first time ever. my timing wasn't great and i guess i was a little disappointed by the non-improvement, but when i finished the run, i wasn't tired at all. i was thirsty and drenched in sweat, but i didn't choke like i used to.

instead i felt as joyful at the finishing line as i was the moment the gun went off and i lifted my eyes and praised God for His strength, His faithfulness, His amazing peace. for sustaining me throughout the entire run and filling me with confidence once more.

it's an incredible feeling, it really is. i feel ready to do it all over again.

lishun at 11:41 AM

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Saturday, August 11, 2007

kecetekan

a friend of mine came across this blog yesterday and she commented, "wah from the few entries i've read, i can tell you think alot and are very deep." lol. i guess she never read any of my "i'm shallow" posts.

then i realised...i haven't done one of those in ages! oh no! have i seriously forgotten how to let loose, have fun and relek?

so today is dedicated to carmine giovinazzo aka danny messer on csi: new york. i love him even more than ever now that danny's finalleeeeeeeeeeee gotten together with lindsay. sigh. though a part of me wishes she hit it off with mac instead. but noooooooo mac had to fall in love with the medical examiner with the british accent. grr.

still think i'm *ahem* deep? lol.



i tell ya...it's the blue eyes, glasses and laugh lines that get to me. sigh.

oh and before i go: dslr + macbook + bass guitar = super ultimately sexy chick magnet. lol. get yours today!* bwahahahahahahahahaha.

*note: only works when all three are present. haha.

lishun at 9:16 AM

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Friday, August 10, 2007

directed at you

i'm not convinced, but i'll support you anyway because that's the only thing i can do. another lecture would be futile. you know the theory, so apply it!

i still think you should be taking more responsibility.

if i've said it once, i'll say it again: do not take me for granted. i won't lose my temper, but i'll most definitely lose my faith in you.

your stubbornness is extremely exhausting.

maybe we need to be more involved with each other's lives. i feel like the promise we made those months ago had died with our embarrassment and reluctance to talk. for that, i apologise on my end. are you sorry too?

i wish i had made more effort earlier. you have no idea how sorry i am that it turned out this way.

lishun at 11:44 PM

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Monday, August 06, 2007

food of love


"if music be the food of love, play on;
give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
the appetite may sicken, and so die."
- from twelfth night by shakespeare

it crosses my mind every now and then. it translates into a little ache in my heart that spreads right into my gut. soon it becomes a crushing feeling in the centre of my chest, threatening to break my bones and penetrate my dreams.

i used to pray as orsino did - for something else to fill me and suppress the need to share my self with someone else, the need to complement and no longer stand alone. if music be the food of love, play on. play to satisfy the hunger so i will no longer crave love. sicken the appetite, cause it to die.

i still get that crushing feeling sometimes, but i don't pray for distraction anymore. each time it happens nowadays, it's easier to instead praise God for the wait and the assurance that whatever happens (or doesn't happen), it's in His time, in His hands, made beautiful right from the start.

lishun at 12:36 AM

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Sunday, August 05, 2007

bigger

"someday i'll pay the bills with this guitar
we'll have it good, we'll have the life we knew we would
my word is good"
- from hey there delilah by plain white t's

these are my simple dreams, the ones i had before i was challenged to dream bigger.

one piano, a stolen glance, three years, a platinum ring, two dogs, a job, an annual vacation, two months a year in bangladesh, white hair, two hands, one sunset.

in a way, i miss having simple dreams that could be easily achieved so i can write "it was everything i wanted it to be" as the final sentence in the diary of my life. so much easier than having visions of bigger things to come, things that will stretch not just my faith, but every cell in my body. so much more desirable than falling down every day when setbacks and callbacks happen.

a few years ago, i would have given anything to have someone tell me that someday he'll pay the bills with his guitar and that his word is good.

but now? that's just not enough.

so don't ask if i'm contented or if i think it ungrateful to keep wanting more. it's not because my tolerance for disappointment has been raised (it hasn't, trust me) or that i've become greedy.

it's just impossible to remain in a tiny world of iPods and whatnots when He's shown that the inconceivable is achievable. why should i be the one to limit those possibilities?

lishun at 8:25 PM

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Saturday, August 04, 2007

stress

i'm sure we are all aware of what psychological stress does to us.

to keep things simple, it impairs the body's immune system by decreasing the total white blood cell count, affecting the function of the defense cells present and reducing the response of cells towards agents that stimulate growth.

that pretty much explains why we fall ill when we go through stressful situations such as job interviews, friction at home or (who can forget?) exams.

what stress does to us, however, is not limited to the physical. it also renders our hearts more vulnerable, more sensitive. it makes us do the stupidest of things that put us in the stickiest of situations that require much cleaning up.

it would be a lie if i said i have never tried to exploit that. after all, it's worked for many others...why shouldn't it have worked for me?
(but it didn't, and i alone was left to pay for it. at least i'm wiser now.)

so if it's happened to me before, why am i so judgmental about something similar happening to somebody else? surely i can understand where their actions were coming from? surely my anger and disappointment is not justified at all? shouldn't i be satisfied with "it could have been worse"?
(but somehow i'm not)

perhaps i should be more concerned about the fact that if it can happen to me, or them, it can happen to just about anyone else. by "anyone else", i mean people who don't have the same principles we hold on to, people who have not yet the privilege of knowing what we know. they would probably get the worse end of things.

there's no escaping stress and its consequences, whether it be a broken body or a broken heart. i guess a part of me resents that because it means i have to continually be on guard for myself as well as be on guard for others too. it takes energy and effort. that's probably why sometimes that defense breaks down at a point of fatigue and we're in too deep before we know it.

sigh. kinda sucks huh?

lishun at 11:08 PM

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Friday, August 03, 2007

let it rain

"hey if it rains, it'd be like a shower of blessing on you!"

i looked anxiously at the grey, cloud-filled skies above me before glancing at the running shoes on my feet. should i brave the threat of rain? my mp3 player was out of juice. my usual running partner was out buying groceries. everyone i passed by gave me a look that betrayed their thoughts: that girl is nuts.

three rounds, Lord. give me three rounds. my heart is pounding against the constraints of my chest. my blood is yearning for a chance to run through my unfeeling body. just three rounds.

it was hard to distinguish whether my face was damp from perspiration or rain as i ran back to my car once it started to pour. God gave me my three rounds and, as i scrambled to close the door behind me, i was panting and choking from the sprint i was forced to break into for the last 50 meters.

still, it was well worth it. after all, i got caught in a (pretty darn heavy) shower of blessing.

---

"you sounded like you were squeezing out the very last drops from your very tired, very dry soul."

i used to think it was empathy, over-attachment or something along those lines. i tend to get emotionally involved in people's problems, taking a personal responsibility for their woes and concerns. it just seems right to do that. doesn't sincerity come at a price?

when she said that though, it dawned upon me that it had nothing to do with feelings or empathy or attachment at all. it had everything to do with the desire to give my all to those long phone calls or pleading eyes and tear-streaked voices.

leave me empty if it means they will be filled. send me back, drained, to draw from Your never-drying well. remind me always Who it is i serve. make me cry tears of surrender at the end of each day.

the whole day, i had been feeling empty, numb. the rain that soaked me hours before seemed a distant memory when i began the journey home. i was as dry as firewood, but as i drove, a spark lit and i was flooded by an overwhelming load of emotions.

for the second time, i choked in the car, fighting a futile battle against my tears. eventually i welcomed the release of feelings that had been accumulating for the longest time. i didn't know what they were...just that it felt so good and devastating at the same time.

---

"rain down on me, here in Your presence i am free"

lishun at 10:51 PM

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

in your head

if there were 4 words i resolve never to say again, they would be "it's in your head". "snap out of it" comes a close second.

i strongly believe those words can ruin lives, break hearts and diminish faith, hope, love. if you think you're doing someone a favour by dismissing their problems in an aloof manner, if you think that will help them think less seriously about their issues...you are badly mistaken.

i may have let those words pass through my lips in the past and people may have been hurt by the arrogance implied. if you are one of them, i apologise from the bottom of my heart.

i promise - and you can hold me to this - never to utter them again. i hope you'll promise to do the same.

lishun at 9:13 PM

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