lishun's musings

Sunday, September 30, 2007

keep spinning

...and the words keep spinning through my head.

if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.
if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.
if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.
if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.
if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.
if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.
if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.

i don't know what it means. i'm not "in a phase", as a friend of mine likes to call it. i'm watching movies that have nothing to do with each other. i want to sojourn on my own. i don't feel a thing.

...and the words keep spinning through my head.

if i've loved you once, i've loved you a thousand times before.

lishun at 3:08 AM

Friday, September 28, 2007

one-liner

there shouldn't be the need for an escape, but somehow there always is.

lishun at 1:24 AM

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

confused joy

i guess we were all so afraid to claim a premature victory that the look on everyone's faces as we were announced winners of the cheerleading event, and hence overall champions, can be best described as confused joy.

i don't think there's any way to write about the whole journey and do it justice...from clueless freshies who just didn't want to finish last, to eager sem3s wanting to rain on our seniors' parade like they did the year before, to the seniors who made the best out of every single situation because it's our very last shot at claiming the title of being champions...

...and when we did? the split second of bewilderment that came after the annoucement, followed by the absolute complete exhilaration, was priceless.

well done, m205! it was a well-deserved victory! =)

the imu cup 2007 champs - m205!

we only have one medal each...but they're both GOLD!

lishun at 1:22 AM

Monday, September 24, 2007

the shopping fairytale

once upon a time, there was a girl who did not like shopping. she saw it as a chore more than anything else, something to do only when it's chinese new year eve and she doesn't have a new, red item of clothing.

however, she found herself in the position of needing to get a few things to complement her newly-rearranged wardrobe, namely a pair of sneakers and a white shirt. so she set off to the mall early in the morning, roamed the stores and tried some stuff on. after about three hours, she finalised her decisions and paid for the stuff she needed.

so she went home with a pair of sneakers and a white shirt (and some gold fabric paint, but that has nothing to do with the story whatsoever so that detail is omitted).

and she lived happily ever after. the end.

lishun at 12:02 AM

Saturday, September 22, 2007

got gap?

ok fine. i said i'm not gonna do any more "i am shallow" posts and will stop objectifying men or idolising celebrities. but annie leibovitz? gap? you've really outdone yourselves.

*phwoar*

lishun at 12:10 PM

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

grow old with you

i wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
carry you around when your arthritis is bad
all i wanna do is grow old with you
i'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
build you a fire if the furnace breaks
oh it could be so nice, growin' old with you

i'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold
need you, feed you, i'll even let you hold the remote control

so let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink
put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
oh i could be the man who grows old with you
i wanna grow old with you

p/s: i blame trisha for all this emo-ness. haha. kidding. =)

lishun at 11:12 PM

Monday, September 17, 2007

with or without me

i have never acknowledged this publicly and no one's ever said it to my face, but deep down inside this seemingly confident, "popular" person, is a possessive friend. i can blame it on many things - rejection, gossip, slander - but the truth is i've believed for so long that i need someone else to complete me that it's hard to let go of that habit, that belief, eventhough i don't believe it anymore.

still, i find myself feeling left out alot of the time, alone in the crowd, resentful that others have cliques and pairs and i am left fluttering on the outside, a butterfly beating itself against the glass. my eyes flash green when they talk about things i know nothing about or they go to events i wasn't even asked to.

it's a habit, a horrible habit, one that i am so ashamed of that whenever the Holy Spirit brings it to my attention ("hey, look here, this needs to be addressed!"), i consciously push it away and hope it will never resurface again.

just yesterday, as i was pseudo-studying at edwina's place, i came across a piece of paper on her desk. it was a note, written on a green post-it in red ink.

"i decided to hold my friends tightly in my heart, but loosely in my expectations of them, allowing them space to grow and to change — with or without me."

a quick google brought me to the full story (may basket of flowers - and forgiveness by sue dunigan) and i almost choked.

the worst thing a friend could possibly do is become a weed that consumes you and does not allow you to grow into the person you are supposed to be. eventhough i wasn't suffocating my friends in obvious ways, by harbouring that kind of resentment and jealousy, i was indirectly keeping them from becoming their own selves, instead moulding them into who i wanted them to be. just for me. exclusively.

sharon was right when she said that friendship is a one-to-one thing, not a one-to-two or a one-to-them relationship. it's supposed to be edifying, not a feel-good atm for me to take from.

funny how, even at this age, the most important lessons still have to be learnt. better now than never. better less hearts broken than more.

lishun at 9:52 AM

some other way

i wish there were some other way to do it. somehow, sneaking off to look at timetables, synchronising lunchtimes, observing daily patterns and arranging convenient bump-intos just don't do it for me anymore. it's so exhausting to have expectations not met after all the energy of building them up.

i have retired from all that, but i wish there were some other way to do it...

...so you won't have to do it too.

lishun at 5:07 AM

Sunday, September 16, 2007

luke 11

"then he said to them, 'suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, "friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and i have nothing to set before him."
'then the one inside answers, "don't bother me. the door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. i can't get up and give you anything."
i tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's persistence, he will get up and give him as much as he needs.'"
- luke 11:5-8

it was surreal. there i was, doing my usher thing at the foyer, when siang chin suddenly asked, "hey are you in enli?"

that one question led to a whole lot of other questions that made me realise how deficient i was in my prayer life.

ever since i had that long chat with a good friend over skype and she brought up that verse above ("check out luke 11...actually God doesn't answer prayers"), i've found myself coming back to it over and over again the last week or so. i was just trying to understand why Jesus would tell a story about a man who did not fulfill his friend's need but would only listen when the man kept pushing for a reply. isn't that being insolent? if i were to keep praying and forcing things on God, wishing for my will instead of His...isn't that a display of a non-submissive spirit?

but she said, "just keep praying. be like a little child who keeps bugging her father for something she wants really badly. if it's something that will not hurt her, he will relent if she keeps asking and bugging him. pray for one family member a day. just keep praying."

and it dawned upon me that the point is not the insolence of insisting on my family's salvation. the point is...God does not go back on His promises. it depends largely on our faith in asking, our persistence in praying, our belief in who He is. if He has said that my family and i will be saved when i believe in Jesus, then He means exactly that. the point of me praying and asking and bugging is to show the true nature of God so that He will be glorified through it all.

i have to be honest. i haven't been praying for this. this needs so much discipline that i fear i fall short of the expectations, the requirements. but when a direct word comes straight from a person's mouth in a seemingly random occasion, i can't possibly ignore and not obey.

---

i really felt like an angel was speaking right to me through her.

the issue about my family's salvation has been weighing on my mind since i found out my cousin got baptised not too long ago. plus after ps ben asked for people believing for their families to come to know Christ, pris told me her thoughts jumped straight to me. it's an encouragement, to buck up and have faith and hope that it will come to pass very soon. (wait, did i just type "very soon"? i didn't mean to. really!)

she also spoke about her experience in mmu, in a stressed-out study environment not unlike imu. how it was like to reach out to friends who would rather stay home with their textbooks while she came faithfully to church. how God's grace sustained her enough to graduate with her batchmates eventhough she found herself barely getting by each exam.

everything she said was so relevant, clear, direct...so much so that i could hardly believe what i was hearing. during the conversation, i was struck by the awesomeness of the entire thing and prayed that it will stay with me, that i will not be quick to forget.

---

"so i say to you: ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. for everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
- luke 11:9-10

lishun at 1:20 AM

Saturday, September 15, 2007

mayfly

the mayfly, after living as a larvae underwater for several months, survives for just one day as an adult. its sole purpose is to breed, to propagate its species, then it drops dead. like a fly.

which prompts me to wonder - does it feel anything in the last few moments before its death? the main reason why it dies so quickly is because its lacks a mouth, which does not allow it to feed. it literally starves to death. does it die with a rumbling in its stomach? or is it in the air one moment and lifeless on the floor the next? is it even aware that it doesn't have the luxury of its day in the sun?

---

i wonder why people still get themselves involved in relationships that will obviously go nowhere. sure, the initial feeling of "wow, this is nice" must be a driving factor in there somewhere, but the very fact that the relationship has no real purpose other than to have an arm to loop yours with, someone to spend your prepaid credit - and possibly hard-earned tuition-teaching/coffee-making/table-waiting money - on makes it all seem so very temporary.

why begin when you know it's going to burn out in the end? once the novelty fades away, do you then allow it continue for the sake of continuing? when you realise that you're both starving to death, do you keep on flying because...well, because?

---

i believe the mayfly feels its impending death. if it had yet to fulfill its short purpose of procreating within those short hours, it will instinctively just fly faster and search harder until its little body runs out of energy and it slowly falls to the ground.

at least it has no prior knowledge of its lifespan, it did not will itself to be born as a mayfly. it did not choose to be sucked into a life where the soaring lasts for just a moment before it is returned to the earth once more.

i wish i could say the same for you, who have chosen to begin a relationship that you know will soon end at the departure gate or at the close of a tired argument.

even the mayfly has it better than you.

lishun at 6:58 AM

Thursday, September 13, 2007

the ugly monster

once again, that ugly little monster called "my bad temper" reared its head.

why is it so much easier to lose my temper at my family than at anyone else? all that happened was i couldn't find my login information that was on a piece of paper i specifically told everyone not to move or throw or even touch. when i realised it was gone, my mind jumped immediately to my father, who has gotten into the habit of cleaning things up when he wakes up at 5am in the morning, and i assumed he had thrown it away.

after yelling a bit and throwing what can only be called a tantrum, i finally found that piece of paper, tucked under a cd-container along with some other imu-related documents.

i felt like a total jerk, idiot, moron.

for all that talk about not wanting to be taken for granted, here i am taking my family 100% for granted, losing my temper only at them just because i know for sure that they love me unconditionally and will continue to love me eventhough i am hardly at home, i don't spend time with them, i don't appreciate them, and i yell at them.

how could i possibly expect to reach out to them if i behave in such a manner at home? i'm a hypocrite for doing my best to reflect God outside and being an absolute total pain in the arse towards my family. what on earth is wrong with me? am so so disgusted with myself.

that feeling really, really sucks. crap crap crappity crap.

lishun at 8:53 AM

leaving the crowd

so. apparently i have a problem with jealousy. i have to flee from it.

towards what? in which direction? how do i know where to run to? at what pace?

i'm just going to leave the crowd, inch by inch. it's difficult because i enjoyed being there and i still do. however, i need to accept the fact that there's no room for me anymore, whether i like it or not. if i am unable to overcome the devastating thoughts that have been creeping into my head for the last couple of days, then the next best thing to do would be to get away from it at all cost.

so. i'm leaving the crowd. fleeing from it. jealousy, you have no hold on me.

lishun at 12:31 AM

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

humility

"how refreshing to know You don't need me
how amazing to find that You want me"
- from "in me" by casting crowns

i know all this stuff. i've read about it in "my utmost for His highest", possibly one of the most brutal, tell-it-like-it-is daily devotion books out there. i've heard pc speak about it, and she's one of the most transparent, straight-from-the-heart people i've met. i know all this. i've gotten past the stage of getting offended by the frank words of my leaders...

...but does that mean i have, instead, led myself to believe that i am a know-it-all, that i don't need to keep my ears open to hear God? does that mean i have planted the seed of pride in my heart and allowed it to flourish?

when he spoke about humility, the extent of what he was saying didn't hit me right away. i took notes, i nodded my head, all to acknowledging the knowledge that i have. yes, i agree that pride is not just boasting, but also in self-reliance. yes, i know that God resists the prayer of the proud. i said "amen" when he said that the more we depend on grace - the supernatural ability to overcome - the more supernatural favour there is in whatever little God has entrusted us to do. yet it did not sink in.

it was not until towards the end of the service, when i was about to think, "there isn't anything here that i have not already heard of before" that an arrow went straight to my heart.

that's pride right there and then, My child. you have become so self-righteous that you have forgotten how to be humble, how to love and not judge. knowledge will get you nowhere. don't ever forget My words, keep your heart open to what I have to say, depend wholly and entirely on Me. how can you lead others then when your focus is no longer on Me, but in the teaching from your own understanding?

for everything he said that he asked whether it was offending or not, none of it hit me harder than that revelation at the end.

i am thankful for the soft landing back to earth instead of the crash that would have come if He didn't speak to me so gently and with such mercy. i am humbled by the realisation that i am nothing without Him. who am i but a sinner on this earth? yet He has chosen to love me, use me, while asking nothing more of me other than to love Him and His people.

how refreshing to know You don't need me, how amazing to find that You want me.

lishun at 7:12 AM

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

the older brother

"he answered his father, 'look! all these years i've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. yet you never gave me even a young goat so i could celebrate with my friends. but when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
'my son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything i have is yours. but we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'"
- luke15:29-32

how many times have i lamented the lack of drama in my life? i have (mostly) obeyed my parents, gotten the grades, didn't date musicians, made just that one big mistake which didn't exactly devastate things and have not given people any cause to gossip. my mother just commented the other day, "you're a good girl, your sister's a good girl...our family's kind of perfect, isn't it?"

recently, the moaning over this matter has been one of...frustration? jealousy? that i have no great testimony to share; just small stories that hardly do the grace of God the justice it deserves. there has been no cause for the celebration of a returned daughter because i never did stray far in the first place.

i saw myself in the shoes of the older brother of the prodigal son in the parable that many know by heart. i have worked hard, both out of the love for Jesus and out of my own motives, and now i am grumbling, "where is my reward for being good?"

but He said, "you are always with me, and everything i have is yours." your inheritance is the same as your brother's - why worry about that at all? foolish child, why let this sow hatred against your brother?

perhaps all the older brother wanted was some kind of recognition for his dedication - he just never realised that his reward was not in one-time celebrations; it was always there as part of the bigger picture that our near-sighted eyes cannot see, that my myopic vision could not decipher.

but it's there. and i should not grumble.

lishun at 5:43 AM

Monday, September 10, 2007

sandwich bread

i drove home the same way i left the house - tears streaming down my face and a prayer on my lips. the time in between was filled with laughter and long conversations and lots of cheering, but i drove home the same way i left the house.

this morning, i cried because i was exhausted. i could not imagine how i was going to make it through the day, how i could possibly offer anything at all to the people i was going to meet. i felt empty. but i dried my eyes and cleared my throat and he did not notice.

just now, my tears were tears of loneliness and disappointment. i was dismayed at the fact that i felt like an appendage, that i still let the negativity creep into my head. i could not believe that i had the ability to feel that way, especially not at this age, not now when i know better and have seen better. but i wiped my tears away and blew my nose a couple of times and she did not notice.

i hate that i am vulnerable to the outside world and to the things i have experienced in the past. it is no wonder that people wear masks and build walls around their hearts. with the onslaught of all that's in this life, some protection is necessary. indifference is impenetrable armour. it will keep me safe.

but it's impossible to be indifferent. i am the owner of a heart that is able to experience the full spectrum of emotions any human being should feel. it is that ability that makes us special, yet it is the very ability that makes me feel not very special at all.

i'm sorry, i'm just being very whiny tonight.

lishun at 12:05 AM

Sunday, September 09, 2007

fragments

right now, i'm living in a fragmented micro-world where a million different things are happening in a single life - mine. it's not a jigsaw puzzle where all it requires is a little self-assembling. i feel like the little moments going on have no congruency at all, nothing to hold them together, nothing to even suggest that they go together.

the domestic help has left and i'm trying my best to help my mother in the house. it's hard when i'm out of the house most of the time. it's even harder to know that she has to take care of the place all by herself when there will be days when she doesn't feel well. but my main worry is the loneliness she must feel now that there's no more maria to talk to and impart words of wisdom to, an activity my mother is fond of. she may say that she's used to an empty house, that she enjoys her solitude, but i know she'd much prefer company.

for the last couple of months, i've been swamped with the 4Cs - charity run, convo mag, church and...and...academics (fine, the last one was forced...but somehow "3Cs and an A" just doesn't sound so impressive). now that the charity run is over, i guess i can afford to take a breather and concentrate on the next three.

the most unlikely thing happened though. last night, ps victor preached about what it means to be serving and how to serve the community. as he went on about how he started small and called the right contacts to make things happen, it made me think about the thousand and one phone calls, emails and faxes i've sent through the last 8 months while working on the charity run. those were done in a panic without much purpose other than to cover as much ground as possible, but the whole experience did teach me a thing or two about dealing with people in the business world, even if i sincerely loathed every minute of it.

perhaps, just perhaps...God is piecing it all together for me and i don't have to worry about a single thing. after all, the big picture is not mine to see. it's the most unlikely link ever - something i hated doing and something i am somewhat passionate about, joined in a manner i would have never thought they would.

i was truly exhausted last night. i needed so much to be revitalised. i felt like the high levels of cortisol running through my blood were finally causing some kind of burnout. i didn't feel like talking to anyone. i didn't feel like smiling, especially not to the seemingly happy people at church. i just wanted to go home, curl in a ball on my bed and cry till i fell asleep.

i would love to say that as i lifted my hands in worship that i experienced something incredible, but i didn't. all i could do was give whatever i had left and sing my best, dance my best, pray my best and hope God is still pleased with me. when i decided to go for supper after service eventhough it was late, it wasn't with the objective of fellowshipping with my spiritual family. it was because i badly needed to laugh and i knew there would be no lack of laughter at our long supper table.

this morning, i woke up reluctantly. the sun was too bright for me to carry on sleeping. but there were things to do, people to see, places to go. i was reminded that just yesterday my futsal captain dropped me from the team and i was forced to acknowledge that yes, i was disappointed with her decision...but i guess i have no choice but to take it gracefully and support them totally tonight.

it's so much easier to hole myself up in my room and sleep through the day, leave my life in the uncoordinated mess it is, ignore that the fragments need to be taken care of. it's so much easier. but when have things ever been easy, and why should they ever be?

lishun at 10:03 AM

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

the lazy blogger

i wanna blog. but i'm too darn lazy to write anything profound. therefore i shall do what every self-respecting lazy blogger does and post up pictures. that i took with my handphone, no less. whee!

brothers at the pool. father-daughter bonding.

birds in singapore. abstinence works.

ice-blended banana (with keh leh feh). prasad in bondage grwl.

ring my bell. real men use pink phones.

small girl big equipment. coffee talk.

balloon bash. goth smile?

pd cat. shadowed utensils.

the jokers that i babysit every day. "sleeping together" and performing illegal dental work.

hope you were entertained. haha.

lishun at 11:00 PM

Sunday, September 02, 2007

theory of relativity

i cannot deny that it is an absolutely confusing matter, one that has left me torn for a long time. on one hand, there is absolute truth, God's standards, black and white. on the other, there is relativity, today's standards, grey areas in between.

who gets to determine what's right and wrong anyway? i may not agree with what you say but we are different people with different viewpoints so as long as no one gets hurt, it's okay. why don't you respect my opinions? difference situations warrant different responses. there is no such thing as an absolute truth.

the conjunction "but" is the best friend someone with no convictions can possibly have. i believe in this, but i also think that in this circumstance, it's alright to compromise. i have no need for friends like that, but how else can i engage with people if i don't conform to their standards? i know i shouldn't dress that way, but i think i look good in it and i don't see the point of guarding others' eyes and minds.

i know the only standards i should be living up to are God's standards. so what do i do then about the fact that i look good in tops that bare my shoulders and back? what's wrong with wanting to look good? i don't care about lecherous people.

i enjoyed reading "brokeback mountain" alot, eventhough it romanticised homosexuality to the point that it no longer seemed like the perversion it is in the bible. i mean, we're still human, regardless of our sexual orientation. who am i to judge?

i know how to protect myself from leering perverts. i don't think there's anything wrong with sympathising with the gay community.

but there is no grey area in the bible. it doesn't say things like "you should do this, but in the case of this and this, do that. however, if this, this, and this happens, do the other step instead. or do what you see fit." there is no relativity, no compromise, no conforming to principles set by man.

what there is, though, is firm words of guidance, acts of mercy and lives saved from death. there is love, instead of the guilty knots in my stomach everytime i watch a maroon5 video. there is gentle rebuke, instead of the condemnation in my heart whenever i check a guy out like he were an object.

why choose the world's theory of relativity when the absolute truth of God releases me, gives me free rein to say "no" to anything that may stumble me and resist anything that will cause me to fall. why choose to risk it in a gamble that may win me friends and worldly success but separate me from God?

it certainly doesn't seem worth it.

lishun at 5:55 PM