lishun's musings

Sunday, October 28, 2007

for sale

while i wasn't studying...

click for larger image.

*raises eyebrows*

since i'm not studying, i might as well reply. sounds like a joke, right?

not.

click for larger image.

it was apparently serious enough to warrant offense.

oops?

lishun at 9:19 PM

Saturday, October 27, 2007

not studying

mock osce next friday.

cns in 2 weeks.

eos in 2 months.

clinical school in 4 months.

cns msk renal repro endo gi haemato respi cvs

i can't even cross a single one out.

can you spell s-c-r-e-w-e-d?

crap crap crappity crap.

lishun at 11:00 AM

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

relativity

am i the only one that is sick of celeb gossip about paris hilton? yes, she's filthy rich. yes, she plays bimbo in an incredibly intelligent scheme to sell the paris hilton brand in order to make even more money. and yeah, you can probably say she's spoilt.

hang on a second. she's spoilt? because she demands to be pampered? because she throws diva tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants? we're talking about a woman who grew up swimming in money, someone who is used to having her every whim and fancy entertained. she has never known poverty and, although i respect her for making sure she makes her own money instead of relying entirely on daddy's hotel empire, she will probably never have to earn a living the hard way.

so who are we to judge her as spoilt? if an affluent lifestyle is all she has ever known, it only makes sense for her to want to make sure it stays that way. if that means ordering only the best champagne and crying over a jail sentence because she can't imagine anything other than the soft down pillows on her bed, then no one should blame her for acting that way.

---

when you said that the sacrifices i have to make are incomparable to the ones you had to make, i was furious.

how could you even say that? it's like comparing apples to tables! i didn't grow up the same way you did and i certainly will not make the ~~mistakes~~ choices you made. also, if have learned anything directly from you, it is to not swallow my anger and disappointments and not let my soul slowly rot inside while glorifying my actions as selfless and deserving of praise.

you were the one who gave me free rein to explore on my own. you were the one who trusted me to make my own judgments based on others' mistakes and my own experience. you are responsible for making sure that i will know no other life than the one i'm used to, the same way rick and kathy hilton are to blame for paris' spoilt ways.

and you tell me that the sacrifices i have to make are incomparable to yours? how would you know? are you in my shoes? why do you judge me so quickly? just because it seems so trivial to you doesn't make it any less unfair to me. will comparing result in a favourable end?

---

i see no sense in comparing who has it worse than the other. so often we engage in a battle of "my life sucks more than yours" or "you think your results are bad wait till you hear mine", as if there is something to be proud of by being busier, unhappier, more wronged.

there isn't, and you're not going to earn more respect by being a martyr to your own woes.

this would be a much better place if we saw each other's problems as the problems that they are rather than immediately jump to our own conclusions as to how much weightage and attention somebody deserves.

a sacrifice is a sacrifice, no matter how big or small the amount is. to the person, it is still a sacrifice and it still cost something. so keep your judgments to yourself and be a little more sensitive. it still cost something, so don't scorn or dismiss it as insignificant.

lishun at 10:26 PM

Monday, October 22, 2007

good enough

please make me laugh a sincere laugh, one that hasn't been forced out of the depths of my very being, pulled through the layers of fear and lies. work has been a semi-relief, at least a distraction from discouraging thoughts. send me on errands that do not require the tapping at a keyboard. take me out for a guilt-free spin. tell me jokes and give me a hug so i will feel safe enough to smile and cry. this isn't self-pity, this is a battle. this isn't laziness, this is a struggle. i no longer welcome the sunrise, but instead wish the day would remain a perpetual sunset, with no promise of tomorrow but not yet transitioning into night. look over your shoulder as you walk away and throw me a smile. soften your eyes when you tell me to take care. i want to drink in the joy of others, capture a glimpse of real happiness so i can keep it for my own pleasure and look back at it on days when i sleep with the lights on or almost crash into a divider on the road. it doesn't seem real, but i'm holding on all the same because it's my only hope, refuge, fortress, strength. see the helplessness in my shoulders. you asked, and i said i was maybe better. you asked, and i said i was otherwise fine. it's good enough for now.

lishun at 1:35 AM

Sunday, October 21, 2007

the blame game

there's no need to play it. it's my fault.

and i'm sorry.

i do have reasons, but i know you won't understand because i can't either. anyway, i always believe it's bad news once i find myself having to justify my actions. which is why there's no need to play the blame game.

i've already won.

lishun at 9:45 AM

Friday, October 19, 2007

no it's not what you think

when i think about my parents, i think about how amazing it is for them to still be together after almost 40 years of marriage. they're total opposites personality-wise; my father's an impatient straight-talker while my mother's a sensitive but stubborn woman.

from the way they talk to one another, you would think that they stuck through those years solely because they saw marriage as an unbreakable covenant rather than out of love for the other party. despite the apparent lack of affection between them, my mother feels at a loss whenever my dad's out of the country and apparently there was a time when my father told my mum that he'd die if she ever left him. i raised my eyebrows at that story because it's a well-known fact that he's the least romantic man in the world. but then, they do take their evening walks hand-in-hand so that should be proof enough of how they feel towards each other.

how much of that is due to convenience, comfort and familiarity rather than actual love? i doubt i will ever be able to judge that quantitatively. however, it's extremely encouraging to know that even the most unlikely couple is able to grow old and raise children successfully. it gives me hope that things will work out somehow for me too.

lishun at 10:13 PM

Thursday, October 18, 2007

psalm 18

last week, i spent some time in making a gift for a friend whom i was meeting for the first time in four years. i felt she needed reminding about who God is and be encouraged because of it, so i wrote a portion of scripture from psalm 18 onto some white tissue and framed it up for her.

"i love you, O Lord, my strength.
the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
i call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies."
- v.1-3

on the way home from my too-brief time in singapore, i was in tears just thinking about how pathetic and miserable i was the night before. the disappointment of knowing that i am just as susceptible to feelings of worthlessness even without a major tragedy in my life, even when i live in comfort, was beyond my comprehension.

i am known for being responsible, capable, producing good work. to be reduced to mediocrity because i am struck with feelings of not wanting to get out of bed? that's unheard of and definitely unacceptable.

for some reason, i started writing poetry in my head, in the bus.

i am dismayed, Lord; my heart breaks in the crushing grip of my enemies' lies. they strike at my spirit, they tear me from You. hear my cry, Lord; i long for the salve of Your remedy. Your voice heals my spirit, for it's what is true.

before going to sleep, i was compelled to finish reading the psalm that i framed for my friend. my eyes skimmed the familiar verses and landed on a couple of lines further down.

"in my distress i called to the Lord; i cried to my God for help.
from His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears.
the Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
they confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because He delighted in me.
You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
the Lord lives! praise be to my Rock! exalted be God my Savior!"
- v.6,13-14,16-19,28,46

was there relief? a sudden lifting of a burden i had felt too heavy to bear? was i encouraged? did i sleep well? there was, i was and i did, but with the lights on because i wanted to just drift away from the grief that was beginning to overwhelm me again.

but between those verses above, david tells of God's wrath towards His people's enemies, the things that crush their spirit, and His mercy towards those who love Him, trust Him and depend entirely on Him for eventual victory. the earth shook, the fire consumed. His might overcame.

to think that a psalm i thought would encourage my friend, ended up being the vessel through which God poured out the strength i needed to get up and send necessary emails and make phone calls today.

i'm just hanging on.

lishun at 8:45 AM

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

at the edge

before i went to sajc, my mother told me the story of her friend's son who couldn't handle the stress while in singapore, fell into depression and was so severely traumatised by the experience that he could no longer function as a normal person.

i remember thinking that i will not be that...weak, that i will be able to cope with the demands of jc life, and i did. in fact, i've survived quite well through med school so far - God has been amazingly merciful to me.

yet here i am, at 3:30am in my friend's room at nus and i feel like i can't deal with convo mag, the remaining bits of charity run, the hanging situation with my father, my studies...it's all too much for me.

it's too late to say, "i told you i couldn't handle the post of editor, i protested when i was given the responsibility of heading sponsorships" because eventhough i did say all those things, i felt pressured into taking on those roles because i was so proud to think that i was...needed. like i had to do it because no one else would. like it would all fall apart if i had firmly said "no"

it is my fault for getting into this predicament and i don't see any way out of it. do i do what i do best and stick it out but be absolutely miserable and a mess? do i let myself remain a liablity? do i risk a breakdown?

i really do not know what to do. Lord, i don't know what to do!

for the first time, i understand how my mother's friend's son could have lost his mind in a moment of stress. i feel so so close to the same thing that it scares me to death.

lishun at 3:31 AM

Monday, October 15, 2007

turrah

i have been all lemons and bittergourds for too long.

tomorrow, i'm heading off to a place where there will be nothing but the exchange of smiles and presents and news. i had to change my plans for this and i won't have much leisure time since i'm going for specific purposes, but heck. i'm going to have fun and you can't stop meh!

i'm going to leave you with the only thing (besides the impending trip) to have forced a giggle out of me this week. it's the uc berkeley (darn it, i knew i should have gone for the uc medical program) men's octet acapella take on what is fast becoming my favourite pick-me-up song - "500 miles" by the proclaimers.

as my scottish friends would say...turrah!

lishun at 7:31 PM

Sunday, October 14, 2007

stolen

tetris has stolen my day.

sigh.

question of the night:
have i really changed or am i the same ol' lishun...but with the "God factor" now?

double sigh.

lishun at 10:39 PM

Saturday, October 13, 2007

not very pleasant

"“teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “ ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it: ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ all the Law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.”"
- matt22:36-40

what i'm going through may be nothing compared to the kind of things others have to endure in the process of really becoming broken bread and poured out wine for Jesus, but it doesn't mean that the pruning is any less painful relative to the level at which i am right now.

i praise God for His mercy, for not allowing a situation that is beyond me, for reminding me that works will get me nowhere but His grace will stretch the miles that i can go. it still doesn't mean the pruning is less painful, but it means i have the chance to learn the lesson now, instead of when even more damage is done.

all my heart and all my soul and all my mind...i guess i've never really bothered to understand what that meant (head knowledge yada yada), nor did i consider how difficult it was going to be even in small petty situations like this.

but it'll be worth it, i know it will. just that it's not very pleasant at all.

---

today i waded through a sea of blank-faced people at the friendly neighbourhood wet market. it made me think of how close we are to people we don't know - 6 degrees of separation, the internet, the people whom we work/study with, the ones that literally live next door. they're all neighbours that we've been commanded to love...as ourselves, no less.

a shiver went up my spine when that thought passed through my mind. in addition to the people that i already love with my own human ability, i am supposed to love the people who don't smile at me, who will not lend me a hand, who will probably spit at me and curse me, who will betray me in a second? Lord, are You kidding me?!

all the Law and the prophets...that doesn't sound like a joke. in fact it sounds extremely serious, not to be taken lightly at all. i guess i've never really felt the weight of His words, nor did i consider how difficult it will be in reality.

but it'll be worth it, i know it will. just that it's not very pleasant at all.

lishun at 1:17 PM

Friday, October 12, 2007

i don't need no drama

~~[ insert rant about boring life ]~~

last night, we plotted out a timeline of the highs and lows of our lives. i had no trouble marking the significant events that have left an impact on me over the last 22 years - disneyworld at 4, hk at 8, first fall from pride at 11, best friends forever at 14, biggest crush on a guy at 16, going through a tough jc2 with God, my grandma's passing, the recent tension with my dad...

so i didn't run away from home or almost die of asthma or endure an abusive relationship or cry through my parents' divorce or overcome a financial crisis. so i didn't have painful habits to break away from or issues with rebellion or major misunderstandings with my friends.

the kind of "drama" i went through had alot to do with situations that threatened to change the things i was used to. jc2 forced me to incorporate exercise into my life while avoiding the depths of low self-esteem i was slowly plunging into. my grandmother's passing opened my eyes to the complexities of relationships and i had to change the way i dealt with my family. the current sudden restriction on my freedom is making me remodel my study habits, sacrifice even more time with my friends and making real the changes that will come with my father's retirement.

i have come to realise why it is that i have never had to go through the kind of drama my friends have had to deal with. it's not just because i am brought up to believe that learning from others' mistakes is better than making my own. it's also because God is gracious to know what i can and cannot handle.

judging from the way i've dealt with the other so-called crises in my life, it is clear that i don't handle stressful situations very well, especially if i feel they're unjustified, undeserved and totally out of my control.

i cried for days and pretty much had a mini breakdown in jc2, so much so that my parents - who have only called me 4 times during the 2 years i was in s'pore - made an unannounced visit to my college on the day of my prelims, just to find out what's going on and probably to assure me that they care.

i literally screamed at my mother over the phone a couple of days ago because i was overcome by how unreasonable the ultimatum was. as a result, i went through the day feeling guilty and condemned and ashamed and angry and upset that i could have reacted in such a disgraceful manner.

perhaps i still have pride in my heart, that little bit that refuses to admit that i have to change instead of try to force the situation to turn in my favour. my trust is more on my ability to rationalise and analyse than on God's will and plan, to the extent that i simply cannot humble myself and acknowledge that all i really have to do is follow His commandments and leave it all to Him.

my reaction to drama so cripples and kills my spirit that it can potentially render me useless. when my tenacity is built on a foundation of self-trust, it is not surprising then that any storm can bring me to my knees.

just yesterday, i complained to God about the fact that He has kept silent for the entire week, while i ranted and raved and wrote inappropriate blog posts and half-listened to unsolicited advice. i was being stubborn, refusing to hear from people but demanding that He talk to me during the time i spent alone with Him - a spoilt child running conditions by her Father.

i guess He was actually talking to me the whole time.

lishun at 9:35 AM

Thursday, October 11, 2007

repent

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorry brings death."
- 2cor7:10

there was silence but no peace. not a sound but a raging tempest. then, from the middle of it all, rose a word: repent. heed the Godly sorrow and repent. it's a hard word to hear, but the very fact that i find it hard says alot about what needs to dealt with.

lishun at 10:56 AM

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

the same mould

in the midst of the "mini-crisis" i'm in at the moment, i've actually discovered something about parenting.

your children are going to imitate you, the way you live, the way you work out your relationships. you can take them to sunday school, read child psychology books, give them good advice, but at the end of the day they will reflect you whether you like it or not.

if the way you communicate is through yelling, your daughters will yell too. if you refuse to listen and resort to raising your voice to demonstrate your point, your daughters will think the only way to get you to hear them out is to be louder than you. if you show that you don't really care what they do as long as their report cards come out clean, they will learn to not really care as long as they give you clean report cards every semester. if you show your affection through twisted mixed signals, your daughters will choose to appreciate you in ways you won't understand.

so if you ever find yourself wondering why you don't have hallmark-worthy children who kiss you goodnight, go to you for advice, smile when you enter the room, hug you before they leave the house and tell you they love you...take a good, hard, long look at your own less-than-disney self.

i can't say that i will be the kind of parent that can fit right into a heart-warming pixar animation in the future, but i do know that if i ever want my children to be the kind i can talk to over cups of hot milo, i'll have to change the way i respond (not react) to situations first.

lishun at 9:28 PM

Monday, October 08, 2007

against my will

"i hope to lose myself for good, i hope to find it in the end
not in me, in You
it's all i know
there's always something getting through
it's not me, it's You."
- from "You" by switchfoot

the paper in front of me is still blank, probably because i'm still raging inside. i locked the door to my room and pretended not to hear their knocks, asking me to open up so he could retrieve some metal wires, so she could deliver a cup of tea.

i've reached for my bible time and time again today, in search of something, some sign, some word. i can feel God near me but He is kept away by my thoughts. still, i hear His voice coming through the congestion in my mind, pushing its way through.

i'm pushing my way through too because i don't want to be left wandering and whining for too long. i'm not happy here, cordoned off against my will, separated from the One i love more than anyone or anything else.

there's still nothing, nothing getting through. i know He will, eventually. but for now? there is just that blank piece of paper on my desk.

lishun at 9:16 PM

Saturday, October 06, 2007

in desperation

"she is running
a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
she sets out on another misadventure just to find
she's another two years older and she's three more steps behind"
- from "does anybody hear her?" by casting crowns

i wanted to scream and cry and jump and take her by the shoulders and shake them hard and put my arms around her and hug her and pray with her and tell her to stop the self-destruction and love herself and know that God loves her and she is worth more than the price she puts on herself and she deserves better and grab her and protect her and cast the demons away from her and keep her safe and...and...

but i am helpless. i can't do it. but it hurts me so so much to see a friend go down the wrong path, the path that leads nowhere but to death. i can't do anything, nothing at all. i have done all i possibly can.

Lord, have mercy on this sister of mine. she is lost, more lost than she will ever know. the denial, justification from the world, the hold the devil has on her...it is too great for me, but nothing is too great for You. Lord, i plead on her behalf. save her! save her! my tears cannot help her. Lord, save her!

lishun at 2:07 PM

behind it all

"so, you need to be home by midnight or daddy won't go to sleep, eh Cinderella?"

maybe i regret implying that my father is over-protective. he's my father. i can't blame him or resent the fact that he cares about my safety just because it means i can't go for every late night icecream excursion to mcdonalds. in fact, i find it endearing that he-of-little-words can come up with a scheme to make sure i come home early every night because he knows that i would rather he sleep well than hang out with my friends.

but it got me thinking about the motivation behind the things that i do. getting home early because i don't want to disappoint my parents and keeping an eye on the clock because i am concerned about my own safety are two separate things.

the first is done grudgingly, out of fear and love, but not because i want to. the second requires a greater level of revelation and understanding that will evolve into a principle.

it's the same with following God's word, keeping His commandments. for some, obedience is driven by fear of punishment or the diminishing of His love because of what we do. that is very different from knowing God's character, recognising the reason behind all those "rules" and realising that what we do has absolutely completely nothing to do with how much He loves us and wants the best for us.

what is it really that makes me say "no" when offered a second glass of beer? did i choose church over a party because i'm "on duty" and not because i recognise what's temporary and what's not? is it a "i have to" versus a "i want to"? is the realisation of my self greater than the realisation that, in actual truth, i have no claim to anything i say is mine?

such self-centered thoughts at a time when there are others to look after and care about...but i guess if i'm still a mess, bound by things that should no longer be there, i am in no position to be a guide to anyone else.

more prayer and pondering ensues, but not for too long, i hope.

lishun at 11:16 AM

Thursday, October 04, 2007

7 years ago

"when choosing what you want to watch, ask yourself: would you regret the scenes replaying in your head?"
- notes from sound generation by joshua liong

i can recall that night as vividly as if it were yesterday. it was a birthday party. we had just had brownies and icecream and we played a round of pictionary. it was getting late and most of us were waiting for our parents to pick us up.

then, she suggested we watch a movie. it'll be good, she promised, i'll forward it to the good bits. she played the vcd and skipped a couple of scenes. wait for it, she said. you won't regret this.

come to think of it, i remember feeling extremely weird throughout the entire time we were watching the movie. something in me told me to walk away, but something else kept me transfixed. it was for just a couple of minutes before the transportation arrived and i had to leave, but those few moments kept me bound for a good many years.

i was 15 at the time. i was definitely less than innocent by then, but i was certainly stupid enough to think i left her house unaffected by what i saw that night. 7 years on, i have gone through enough to believe it completely when he said that what we see is literally imprinted in brain tissue, in our memories, to be dug up time and time again when the right stimulus comes along.

it took alot of prayer, breaking of pride, tear-filled nights and resisting to get where i am now, and even then i know it's still not over. the need to deceive the world and myself while aching with the grief of the holy spirit...because of what? those few minutes at a birthday party with a bunch of teens in front of a flickering screen in a dark room?

she was wrong. i regretted it for a long, long time.

---
"you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's." - 1cor6:20
"Jesus said to her, “neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." - john8:11

lishun at 10:58 PM

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

sick sound

"we're always behind this metal and glass. i think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."
- detective graham waters from "crash"

"my father told me that if you hit something, there will be a sound," she said, in what i could only interpret as a word of comfort as she backed her car into the parking space. there wasn't a sound. the car fit flawlessly between the yellow lines.

i recalled the countless times i've driven down the highways to and from class, the same route every day, changing lanes at the exact same points, making the same turns. each trip was mind-numbing. i have often zoned out while on the road, finally understanding what my friend meant when she told me that when she drives, she switches to auto-pilot while her mind wanders at its own pleasure.

there were occasions when i found myself wondering what it would be like to really hit the divider or brush another person's car or run over a cat. anything to signify some kind of contact with the world outside the box of metal and glass that i was in. something to recall my dulled senses from their hiding places.

when i literally drove into a pillar today, the crunch of the car's body against concrete was a sick sound to my ears, a rush of adrenaline through my blood, a burst of impulses in my brain. it was a kind of exhilaration that quickly died out when i thought about having to tell my parents, but it was what put me into a state of madness of trying to knock the metal back in place with my fists, convinced that i could make it go away.

how did it come to this? i am on the other extreme of my bored generation - with heightened sensitivity, finding thrill in the smallest instances that deviate from what i know as a normal life. so much for older folks' complaints that the young 'uns have our senses dulled from over-stimulation, too much entertainment. i found excitement in a momentary lapse of concentration and the sick sound of contact with what could hurt me.

maybe it's just me, or the fact that i am nodding off as i struggle to finish this post, but there's something wrong with that picture, a hint of incongruence. maybe it's just me.

lishun at 12:16 AM

Monday, October 01, 2007

better

would it make sense if i said i'm happy but convinced i can be better?

does that translate to discontent? wouldn't that mean i'm not really happy? but i am. there's no reason not to be. but i'm sure i can be better. i know i can.

so what do i do now?

lishun at 12:05 AM