lishun's musings

Friday, November 30, 2007

take me home

so here are my thoughts.

i can feel the old anger building up in me again. there is an urge to defend myself and, as i've said time and again, that means i need to shutupstoplooklistenrepent. the earnestness in her email has made me feel guilty for not being completely open with her. i will miss him when he leaves on sunday, especially now that he's my "person". those weren't thoughtless, prayer-less words. people just don't make an effort anymore. it's an odd craving, but i love it when i see passion burning in people's eyes as they talk about something, someone, some cause that they love. some rearranging needs to be done - peace has no part to play, it's mercy over justice. it's not biblical to bottle up my emotions and allow them to burn. i really really want to go to singapore. it's the people i never expect anything from that give me the most, and it's the people i lavish on that hurt me the most. i'm happy that you've found her, but i wish you never left me. being a guest star kinda sucks after awhile. what use is discipline if all it does is kill love? i expected to do better. i expected more from you. perhaps i should remember my motto of "no expectations, no disappointments". i only take personally what You have given me.

i'm exhausted. take me home. i still love You.

lishun at 7:21 AM

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

whine session #93

imucrc07 LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEEE! aaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhh!

i will never eat at a not-tried-and-tested char kway teow stall ever again. hello diarrhoea.

so much for overcoming procrastination.

wait, what did i say about all that again? oh right. there it is. still annoying all the same.

sigh.

lishun at 7:29 AM

Monday, November 26, 2007

deceiving yourself, deceiving others

as a child, my mother would teach me chinese idioms to make sure that my non-chinese-educated self at least had some knowledge of the richness that is chinese literature.

one idiom she taught me was 自欺欺人, which loosely translates to "deceiving yourself, deceiving others". it is used in context of being in denial, refusing to acknowledge that you are indeed deceiving yourself about a certain situation or person or whatever, when in reality, you do know better.

i like this idiom simply because it correlates well to the saying that "you can fool the world, but you can never hide from God". it reminds me to not consciously put a veil in front of my own eyes but instead choose to be humble and accept that actually the only one i have been really guilty of lying to is God.

will you do that too? will you stop bluffing yourself and throwing aloof statements at people when they question your motives? will you end the cheating? have you ever thought of the people who trust you to tell the truth and acknowledge the actual situation? when will you stop making others your alibi, thrusting them unknowingly into the role of being the "check and balance"?

when will you stop deceiving yourselves, deceiving others and deceiving God? when?

lishun at 7:26 AM

Sunday, November 25, 2007

priority/option

"don't let someone be a priority in your life if you're just an option in theirs. relationships work better when they are balanced."
- anon

i typed 3 separate blog posts about the quote above and deleted them all because none of them could fully express the myriad of thoughts that i have about those two sentences.

maybe it's because i loathe being taken for granted, hence i try my best to not treat others lightly, especially those who obviously show that they make me a priority in their lives. however, i must have very high standards as to determine who i feel considers me a priority because i can only think of maybe 4 people right now - three of whom are part of my family and the remaining one not a solid human being - who really do.

maybe it's because i enjoy thinking about the people i like and doing or saying nice things to them. unconditionally, yes, but you have to know that no one would ever refuse something in return, especially if it's not asked for but granted without request. to be continually given a "thanks for everything, but i'm gonna go back to my own life now" response is spirit-breaking. it's what births quotes like the one above. screw them. they don't appreciate you. go find someone who does.

maybe it's because i've received smses like "thank you for remembering me" and "thank you for letting me play" that show i'm not the only one who longs to be made a priority in someone's life. to know that i'm thought of, prayed for, gone the extra mile for...i guess it's something we all want despite the calls to be spiritually strong, confident and high-achieving.

maybe it's because the quote seems to be referring to romantic relationships (or lack thereof) instead of something more general. as someone who has known nothing but unrequited feelings and time lavished on the wrong people, it hits home the message that i should stop wasting my energy on people that obviously do not hold me to the same esteem. it's a lesson i've learnt well, and a practice i intend to keep.

the bottom line is, the world would have you believe in "quid pro quo" - something for something. this is where selfishness and hedonism comes from.

if you only maintain a relationship because you're getting something in return, i question the very nature and motive of you keeping up the friendship in the first place. if everyone were easily discouraged by every less-than-enthusiastic response from someone they cared for, then we should very well retire into isolation and care for no one but ourselves. why on earth were we then created with the ability to love in the first place?

it seems like the only place the quote can and ever should be applied is when we put a flawed being on a pedestal and worship them as the centre of our lives eventhough the word "partnership" has no meaning in theirs.

otherwise, it's best to be selfless in dishing out love to one another and refuse to let condemnation get us down. that way, we're guaranteed to be priorities in each other's lives and no one would ever have to be an option.

lishun at 12:00 AM

Friday, November 23, 2007

leaving it behind

last night, merr and i were having a brief chat when she suggested we "invade" our secondary schools to urge teens to have a productive school holiday. that set us both thinking about what we were like in school, the ridiculous little dramas we had, our selfish ideas and shallow obsessions.

while merr's previously assumed "best year of her life" was in form5, mine was undoubtedly form2 (not form3, merr, haha), when all my favourite people were my classmates. i found my best friends that year. i had a camp with the cutest seniors that year. i started attending cf that year. i developed the worst possible crush on a friend that year. it was the year of no major exams, tonnes of time to dedicate to myself and endless hours to waste.

i didn't take responsibility for my shallowness. after all, it was my parents who kept me sheltered, it was the education system that kept me complacent. i wasn't packed off to boarding school at the age of 9, neither were my parents political activists who kept me informed about the mess of a world we live in. my upbringing was perfect, nicely-packaged. there was no need for me to think outside the box i was living in.

growing up didn't cost a thing, then. it was just a progression of years that turned every 365 days into new years. i never felt what it meant to really grow up and mature the hard way, by way of stings and burns and a salve of love. i didn't think of others, just myself.

and yet now i realise that true growth, true blossoming into maturity, takes lots of stings and burns but the salve of love that accompanies them makes it all worth it.

i took the train to class this morning because the car was sent to the shop for the umpteeth accident i got myself into. in the most impersonal space that is the carriage of a mode of public transportation, i was swept by a wave of loneliness. all my inadequacies, worries, the yearning to skip every step of spiritual immaturity and go straight into a right relationship with God caused me to fall into dismay.

it wasn't so much the fact that i've let my stress grow like a cancer in me to the extent that i could no longer keep my head when driving or handling paperwork, but the disappointment that i was still caring for the worthless things like the selfish twit i was in school and had alot of ground to cover before i am finally completely free in the redemption of Christ.

i felt worn out with the daily letting go, the discipline of having to consciously surrender and move on with the things that really mattered, not out of self-righteousness but purely out of love and obedience. i'm not striving; the release that comes far outweighs the slow, sometimes painful, killing of my pride. but it still takes its toll.

it's funny how, not too long ago, i was intent on slowing down my growing up process as much as possible. now, i'm impatient to leave all immaturity behind and be free.

lishun at 9:50 AM

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

no king

"in those days there was no king in israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes."

i pretty soon came to dread the above sentence as i read the book of judges because it was accompanied by stories of gross immorality and total disregard for God. the people denied Him, worshipped idols, indulged in perversity and God delivered the due punishment. yet, time and time again, He also spared those who called out to Him.

we are living in times where we roam in pseudo-freedom, with no king in our lives. everything is subject to relativity - rape is not as bad as murder, stealing is not the same as telling a lie. what works for you may not work for me, so don't shove it down my throat. we do what is right in our own eyes, we rationalise and compromise.

it's disturbing to remember what happened to the people after every mention of the sentence above. it's even more disturbing to know that we're headed in the same direction.

lishun at 11:47 PM

Monday, November 19, 2007

buttons

so. self-censorship.

once, i said that i value justice more than mercy. well, i value love and peace more than justice.

if you were offended by my rant on punctuality, or rather lack thereof, i apologise. however, this still stands. it's happened so many times that it's just not funny anymore.

anyway. life goes on. peace out.

lishun at 8:13 AM

Sunday, November 18, 2007

truly You are

"Jesus said to them, “they do not need to go away. you give them something to eat.” and they said to Him, “we have here only five loaves and two fish.” He said, “bring them here to Me.” then He commanded the multitudes to sit down on the grass. and He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed and broke and gave the loaves to the disciples; and the disciples gave to the multitudes. so they all ate and were filled."
- matt14:16-20

he was right. Jesus first suggested the impossible - feed more than 5000 people. then He took whatever was little, but He didn't just multiply it right away. He told them to sit down first; in a way, He was saying, "eh, relek la brudder. leave it to Me. just do what I say." and then, He performed a miracle that stunned thousands at a time and amazed His disciples.

how could i have possibly relied on myself for so long, choosing to hoard the little i have instead of believing in the One who has, time and time again, reassured and proven that He will take care of things? it's ridiculous that a God who has that much compassion and love could ever have to compete with a lifeless world and a selfish heart.

He didn't just provide. He made them sit down, calm down, then He showed them who He is. it's mind-blowing.

---

"Jesus spoke to them, saying, “be of good cheer! it is I; do not be afraid.” and peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” so He said, “come.” and when peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus."
- matt14:27-29

when he spoke on this, i choked and disguised it as a cough. peter was the only one. what about the rest who were on the boat with him? for a moment, i felt what peter must have felt - complete, utter amazement and desire to experience the miracle for myself.

Lord, command me! a humble request, quaking with uncertainty, but a step of faith nonetheless. and the step itself! to go to Jesus! he walked, while the others watched.

my heart broke at the description of this scene. i am one of the crowd who stayed, watching on the boat, while peter took action because he longed to be in the midst of it all, as a participant and not just an audience.

sure, the people saw a miracle and were amazed. but he who took the step of faith, who asked Jesus to command him to walk on water? how much more did he learn about who Christ was? is? how much more was his life transformed? what kind of revelation did he receive? how much more abandoned to God's cause was he after that?

---

i am struck again with awe at the wonder of my God. a compassionate provider who prepares and comforts. a miracle-worker who asks for nothing more than a step of faith. He doesn't even ask for that faith to be unwavering and fearless; just faith that is child-like, trusting eventhough we shake in our shoes and doubt in our fickle minds.

it is these moments that i look back in shame at the excuses i have made everytime God has stretched out His hand and told me, "do not be afraid" and i have turned away because i saw nothing but sacrifice, hard times and my own inadequacies. i saw a ghost on the water. i saw the 5000.

i want so so badly to reach a point where i will sit down and obediently give out the bread to whoever He has multiplied it for, a point where i will stand up and walk towards Him in the most impossible of situations just because of the desire to be and not to observe. i want to reach that point because i don't see where else i should be or ever would want to be.

He is just so incredible. it's beyond what i can ever imagine. truly You are the son of God.

lishun at 12:07 AM

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

the thought

"who do you love? me, or the thought of me?"
- from "i don't trust myself" by john mayer

it was a revelation that put me to shame. i thought i loved him, but really i was forcefully stuffing him into a container i had designed myself, to shape him into the idea of who i wanted him to be. it's no wonder, then, that i was disappointed.

if i thought i had learnt my lesson then, i was wrong.

here i am a few years later, a little older but none the wiser.

perhaps the perfectionist in me is to blame. people would be easier to deal with if their personalities fit into the categories i have created for them, nicely shaped according to my ideas of who they are. things would be neat and tidy, just the way i like them to be.

however, i forgot to consider my flawed judgment. if they don't fit into the spaces i have prepared for them, it has less to do with how "wrongly-shaped" they are and more to do with the badly-fitting mould i had imagined them to conform to.

i cannot change people, no matter how exasperating some of them may be. what i can do is change the way i respond to them, the manner in which i deal with their moods and attitudes. more importantly, i can change my own judgmental ways instead of grumbling about them not changing theirs.

this option actually gives me more freedom because it means no longer being tied down to the variable factor of "other people". it takes breaking more pride in my heart, but hey if that's what is required to stop getting all offended over the little sarcastic, insensitive things people say, then fine.

i would much rather live my life in peace.

lishun at 12:30 AM

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

one word

wahlaueh.

lishun at 10:30 PM

Sunday, November 11, 2007

still waiting

i still think it's easier for them to take pledges and make promises because they've gone through it before and have seen what it can do. the rebellious child in me wants to at least experience it too before i make a tearful covenant or a convicted prayer. but i never really saw what a blessing it is to have suffered long and been forced into patience until i realised that He was protecting me all along.

i would never have been satisfied either. it probably wouldn't take much to cloud my immature judgment and cause me to make a mistake i can never erase. there have been times when i was bitter and irritated and angry about how "unfair" it was, times when i was led to believe malicious lies about myself, lots of occasions where i have questioned "why"...but i see it now. i would never have been satisfied, and He knew that. which is why He has made me wait.

there is no need for me to compare with others. He has led them through in His own way, in a manner suited for them. if that was how they needed to learn, so be it. i have no business in envying them or wishing the same path for myself. He knows best, not me.

so i'll wait. it gets easier by the day as i trust Him more and more, open my eyes to see who He is, letting Him crush the doubts in me. there's so much freedom in trading my burdens for reliance on Him.

lots more long-suffering needed ahead, but i'll wait...with Him.

lishun at 6:36 PM

Saturday, November 10, 2007

evil keyboards

so...does that mean a lack of blogging material can be attributed to evil keyboards? hmm.

i do have alot of things on my mind, none of which are actually related to what's going on with me. my friends have problems, my family has its own developments, the world is in a dire state, i have some theological questions that need pondering...i guess i'm involved in all of them in an odd detatched manner, but right now it just feels as if i'm outside a glass door, looking at the things happening to everyone else. just an observer. or advice dispenser. or intercession prayer-er. or whatever.

or maybe i do wanna get involved, but am much too lazy to ask the questions that will get me through the door and right in the midst of action. or maybe i just don't care. perhaps i've caught the bug of apathy and post-modernism or whatever's wrong with the world today. or, in a twist of irony, i care too much.

i dunno. not really in the mood for anything deeper than what's on the surface. maybe if i say i'm going on a hiatus, something will come up, hence forcing me to sheepishly retract my statement and start thinking and writing decent stuff again, considering that's what hiatus-announcements often lead to.

haish. whateverlaaaaaaa.

lishun at 5:31 PM

Friday, November 09, 2007

again

i knew this was coming. time for yet another confrontation? i don't think i'm up to it anymore. plus it really is not my business, not directly anyway. i'm going to dip my feet, but that's about it. there will be no "i told you so"s, no "you should have known"s, and definitely no "i agree with you"s, simply because there is no longer any place for them. at the end of the day, i value justice more than mercy. i knew this was coming. i was wrong in thinking that you did too.

yes, i'm angry. maybe this time, it really is the last straw.

lishun at 12:16 AM

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

positive energy

"notes in my drawers, songs in my pocket, fragments of letters that you sent..."

when i was 10, i had a penpal from greece. her name was maria kopoulou and she lived in athens. we exchanged letters and gifts and photographs for a couple of years but the correspondence was already dying out by the time i started secondary school. when the 1999 earthquake shook athens, i fired off a series of letters to maria, asking if she was alright. i never received a reply.

i had many more penpals during those early secondary school days. i sent emails to a boy in sierra leone who told me he wished the civil war would end soon so he could use the internet more often. there was a girl, hemy, who claimed she was dating sean from 5ive (yes, that boyband). recently, i was reunited (?) with an old penpal through the wonders of facebook.

and how could i possibly forget the occassional letters i wrote to and received from my qbs friends? it's incredible that we've kept in touch for 15 years!

my mother was probably the one who started me off on writing letters. i grew up with the sight of her sitting at the dinner table with a list of things she wanted to write about and an empty aerogram. she took her time, filling every empty space available on the paper with something meaningful, her pen forming beautifully-written chinese characters that i could not read. by the end of the hour, there would be a neatly folded aerogram on the table, addressed with my mother's lovely handwriting, ready to be sent the following day.

she told me stories of how her courtship with my father was almost entirely based on the letters they wrote to each other while teaching in separate schools, in separate states. even after they were married, she never failed to write him letters everytime he went outstation, which was pretty often. she wrote to him while he worked in pahang, johor, while he studied in manchester, california, while he lectured in hong kong, macau.

a couple of years ago, i found my mother's collection of diaries which she had kept from the age of 13. it made me wonder where she kept the letters my father sent to her, and whether my father ever kept the notes she wrote to him. i wondered if she felt the same kind of nostalgia and elation i felt every time i rummage through the shoebox of letters that i've kept from my various correspondences.

i have said before that one of the greatest joys in life is receiving a handwritten, personally-addressed letter, in an envelope delivered by the postman on his motorcycle. my mother's almost-daily letters while i was in singapore gave me something to look forward to.

i have adopted her habit of taking ages when writing a letter and sealing it carefully before sending it off. unfortunately, that means it takes quite alot of time and effort for me to write letters. it has served as a deterrent from me sending them anymore, eventhough it is that very effort and time that i appreciate most from the letters that i receive.

perhaps we should take up the art of sending handwritten letters to the people we love again. after all, we could all use some positive energy.

lishun at 11:58 PM

Sunday, November 04, 2007

obviously

"they say they're obvious...yeah, obviously NOT INTERESTED."

in a way, i'm glad they're obvious. it means i don't have to keep guessing or even entertain the notion that they're complicated. i'm done with all that anyway. i have better things to do.

on the other hand, it just kills every "maybe" or "what if" that could probably inject an element of...something other than this dreariness.

still, being spared the constant analysing of every action is a far greater reprieve than any cycle of raised-and-crushed expectations. i am ever thankful for the revelation that they're obvious...even if it means that they're obviously not interested.

as i said before, it's not easy to keep resetting my mind to the approved standards, to recall the relevant evidence that proves i have absolutely no need to even think about these things, and pray that it will be forever cemented in my mind. especially when i do still think about it and i have to resist the temptation to ask "why?".

it's true when it is said that things only become difficult when we approach them like thinking adults and not as innocent children who see things as they are and are not afraid to say so, to ask earnestly and express what they think. even when things are obvious, i make them blurred and complicated.

sigh. i guess it's only obvious that i need to stop thinking and just go into a robotic stupor to do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said.

lishun at 4:48 PM

Saturday, November 03, 2007

whine session #94

as much as i hate doing it, i'm going to blame it on the hormones.

it bugs me that while i know what i'm doing is right and i like what i'm doing and it's rewarding to see the smiles on people's faces, i still feel like something is missing. and that thing is joy.

it bugs me that while i know what they're doing is none of my business and i choose to trust them more than anything else, i still feel like they're playing us for fools. and that annoys me to no end.

it bugs me that while i know my self-esteem is worth much more than just that and that i really am content with being where i am, i still feel irritated at having to reset my mind back to the so-called approved standards all the time.

and you know what? it took a whole lot of self-restraint to not include expletives in any of the sentences in this post, including this one.

i am going to blame the hormones, simply because it's the easiest thing to do and i don't really want to do anything that's difficult anymore.

lishun at 11:39 PM

Thursday, November 01, 2007

so much more

eh don't say that...lishun may get really angry.
no, no...you know when lishun gets REALLY angry? when she blogs about it.

the funny thing is, i find it so much easier to forgive everyone else except you. you've treated me like dirt pretty much for the last couple of years, making me feel so unwelcome in your company eventhough i have no idea how i have wronged you, offended you. what have i done that is so despicable in your eyes?

i have thought long and hard about whether i'm being too sensitive or too demanding or too stubborn to adapt with the changes, and i have come to the conclusion that i don't deserve that kind of treatment. i shouldn't have to strive to earn your acceptance because i simply don't need to.

so why does it always hurt so much more when the rejection comes from you?

we'll be going our separate ways soon and i don't want to say farewell on a sour note. maybe i'll write you a letter before you leave so you'll at least know what's been on my mind. that way, i will no longer have a reason to keep a grudge, justified or otherwise, and it won't matter if you realise how you've hurt me or not.

what kills me most is that we used to be friends...or were those years lies too?

you've struck my right cheek and i've turned the other to you also, but i'd have never expected you, who probably can memorise the verse better than i can, to continue striking me much longer than anyone else has.

maybe that's why it has always hurt so much more.

lishun at 5:45 PM