lishun's musings

Monday, December 31, 2007

the compulsory new year's eve post #2

no, i'm not gonna go blow my own horn and come up with a "best of" list like i did last year - mainly because i'm still kinda bummed at how i didn't do my absolute best during today's exam and partially because i'm not amused at the quality of my writing this year.

bad, emo, scarily honest entries aside, i guess 2007 still deserves a quick look-back.

although i can't really pinpoint any real life-changing moments, i am amazed at the subtle ways God has used each and every occasion to teach me, guide me and reveal His nature to me.

going forward with the appeal to jpa was probably the biggest step of faith i have ever taken in my life. although i lost the appeal, i experienced what it was like to obey the stirring of the Holy Spirit and maintain steadfast in the promise that His plans are to prosper and not destroy. the lesson to be learnt? that He is good, no matter what.

the many times God has led "difficult" people into my path taught me to stop relying on my limited experience and vocabulary when listening or talking to them, and to ask Him for the right words and right things to do. He gave me grace to love them and i am humbled that He has chosen to show them who He is through me.

for the coming year, i am burdened to pray for my family. this has somewhat to do with the little tiff i had with my father a couple of months ago, when God pointed out that i have yet to surrender the issues i have with my relatives to Him. it shocked me a little when i felt challenged to pray for my father, especially, while at a prayer meeting one night. i asked God why, and He assured me that investing my faith into prayer for my family will be worth it.

it frustrates me still, at times, when God's answers seem more like brand taglines more than anything else - "just do it", "impossible is nothing". it is even more difficult to break my pride and accept that i don't get to determine when He fulfills His promises, or how. it's hard to see beyond results that aren't there or people with poisonous tongues and stubborn minds. it takes an effort to recognise His sovereignty as Lord, yet it is strangely comforting when i do.

there will be alot of challenges in 2008. the journey through clinical school is bound to be a tough one and i know there will be alot of changes to my life, my family, in the days to come.

at least in the midst of all uncertainty, i can be sure that my Lord will be right here with me, just like how He has been with me throughout 2007.

happy new year, everyone. may you have a blessed 2008! =)

lishun at 11:13 PM

Saturday, December 29, 2007

my best shot

i guess everyone gets pre-exam jitters, even those who have gone through the 400 sets of notes 3 times and can do a full gastrointestinal system physical exam in 4min30sec (so there's 30sec left to answer the examiner's questions), blindfolded. i guess it's only normal to get a little freaked out as the number of days remaining till my finals commence steadily decreases.

i guess i'm pretty blessed to only have exams at the moment to count as my life's storms. there will be more to come - tougher, longer and more trying ones. if i break now, how on earth am i gonna go through the rest of my life?

might as well fulfill my promise by giving my best shot and staying in my safe dwelling place in life's storms, no matter what they may be.

p/s: let me be annoyingly optimistic and say...6 more days till we're done with eos! =)

lishun at 4:07 PM

Friday, December 28, 2007

still here

would you talk to someone after they've ignored you for a long time? would you entertain them, especially if the only reason they've come back to you is to ask for help? what if you were once somewhat close to them and whatever request they're making is within your capabilities? but what if, at the same time, you're disappointed that the promise they made to keep in touch no matter what turned out to be cheaper than you thought?

would you still listen and maybe respond to what they say to you?

---

it's only been a week, but i feel like it's been an eternity since i've spoken to You. i dutifully read my little devotion book, but i didn't make an attempt to connect to the words and i didn't ask You what they meant. i was down-trodden, losing confidence in myself by the minute. i didn't tell You any of this because i was disappointed and ashamed by how i chose to withdraw from You when i promised that i won't.

it's been a horrible week being away from You, Lord. i'm sorry. are You still here?

lishun at 10:15 PM

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

another list

5 more days to eos, 10 more days till the holiday festivities begin! so i'm making a list, checking it twice, gonna make sure everything comes out nice. =) presenting...the list of things to do before i start clinical school!

1. go to the little red dot at least twice (ok fine depending on how much money i have)
2. get started on a proper weight loss program
3. visit the following places:
- port dickson
- langkawi
- tioman
- tunku abdul rahman park in kk
- penang (for food this time...had enough of batu ferringhi thanks)
- cherating
- ~~melbourne~~ yeah, dream on!
4. learn to perfect the following dishes:
- chicken curry
- steamed chicken
- stir-fried veg
- some kinda easily reproducible soup
5. get the hang of doing proper wet market shopping
6. work/volunteer at church (haven't decided yet)
7. go on at least 3 photography practices in kl/singapore
8. purchase the following items:
- external hard disk
- strappy, colourful high heels
- 2 cotton blouses
- dorothy perkins black slacks
- some other stuff i can't think of at the mo
9. move my blog to wordpress (eep!)
10. sit through mandarin lessons with my mother, without wincing (urgh!)

this list is fully modifiable and expandable. it's basically just something for me to look forward to, help me feel a little better right now. can't wait can't wait can't wait!

lishun at 7:33 AM

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

a couple of words

~~christmas has become too secular.~~

~~commercialism has officially killed Jesus' birthday.~~

~~when did politically correctness take over the significance of christmas?~~

~~whine whine pout cry complain stress whatever~~

too much has been said. we should just be giving and living the true spirit of christmas - love, sacrifice and reconciliation.

have a blessed christmas, everyone. =)

---

p/s: we need a greater sense of humour. merry christmas from the simpsons too. hehe.

lishun at 12:11 AM

Monday, December 24, 2007

christmas eve

it's christmas eve and i'm being a grouchy old witch.

this is gonna sound very very ungrateful, but while i appreciate the pep talks and semi-chiding lectures, i don't need them. i give those speeches to other people, so it would only make sense that i give them to myself too. similarly, i don't need to know that you've been through worse (or the same) and be told that comparatively i'm having it much easier. that approach has never succeeded in making people feel better in the past and it won't start working anytime soon.

forgive me for being like this. i don't allow myself to feel like crap very often, and alot of the time it's not so much about feeling like crap than it is about not expressing it. verbally. literally. or whatever-ly. there is only so much swallowing and dismissing and reassuring that i can do, even if it's mostly motivated by the guilt i feel everytime i am compelled to vocalise my problems, regardless of their magnitude.

so thanks for the prayers, i need those. if you want a hand at making me feel better, do tell me about your christmas plans. listening to people talk and rant with no agenda other than just wanting to talk and rant is extremely therapeutic for me. something stupid and lame would be nice.

i'm gonna go back to trying to make my christmas less of a whine-fest and more of a celebration. these two posts are more than enough and this self-pity has got to stop.

*edit: the best thing about self-given lectures is that i can read my old entries and receive new encouragement from the words that God had inspired me to write. sigh. one more week. let's make it GREAT.

lishun at 10:14 AM

Sunday, December 23, 2007

the giant

"the giant keeps on telling me time and time again
'boy, you'll never win. you'll never win.'
but the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says 'do not be afraid'
the voice of truth says 'this is for My glory'
out of all the voices calling out to me
i will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth"
- from voice of truth by casting crowns

i am being bombarded by a host of discouraging thoughts.

you don't deserve a good grade for your finals. you've been too stubborn to try and study at home. you've spent too much time doing extra stuff. you've been sleeping more than you need to. you've gained so much weight in the last 6 months that it disgusts me. you're fat and ugly. you're stupid. you can't even answer the past year questions. you couldn't do a simple respiratory system physical examination. you mistook the sciatic nerve for the femoral nerve; they're on opposite sides of the thigh, you idiot. you don't even know the difference between the leukaemias. bet you can't come up with differentials for vaginal discharge. you can't even get up an hour earlier in the morning for a jog. you're pathetic. you should forget about the next 7 days and just screw up your exam. you don't even deserve the already-cheap title of being in the dean's list. you lost your health issues notes, you dimwit. you probably can't even ace the easiest cervical lymph node physical examination station. you're worthless. the doctors in clinical school will roast you and have you for dinner. you don't even deserve to be in their presence. you must be deluded to think you'd make it through. God will never help a whiny, self-pitying, lazy, stupid, ugly lump of fat like you. just look at your pathetic results this semester; exactly what kind of glory are you giving Him? you're worthless and a horror to look at to boot. you'll never win.

i believe in the voice of truth, but right now the giant is much too close for comfort, its words are hitting way below the belt. giving in to the lies seems like the better option. when i look in the mirror, when i look at the notes i ~~haven't~~ don't want to read, when i think about the clinical skills i haven't practiced, the models and charts i haven't looked at...i am reminded of what a filthy little whiny [insert expletive here] i am.

the voice of truth is awfully small at the moment. i'm giving it too little credit for what it's really worth. it's too small, too small for what i need it to be.

lishun at 7:47 PM

Saturday, December 22, 2007

the busy blogger

if you're busy, but you still wanna blog, what do you do? you post up pictures! whee!

connor then. connor now.

jocelyn & rachel turn a year older.

jobo at the attic. swen at the bday mosh pit.

after awhile, they all look alike. fia+tp+jp wise men. ian+jason hengtai.

jingle in the jungle with mr.obesefrog & sir snake sleepalot.

what would i do without my camera phone? i really dunno. =)

lishun at 12:24 AM

Thursday, December 20, 2007

christmas. again.

somewhere along the way, christmas has become a time when people get stressed about getting the presents delivered on time, freaked out about family reunions and nosy relatives, depressed because they still don't have a special someone to cosy up to in front of the fire or, for me at least, a time to get overwhelmed at the amount of studying i still have to do.

it's even harder to get into the christmas spirit now that my sister's house has been broken into and the guilt of seriously not wanting anything to do with the festivities at church or anywhere else is slowly creeping into my life. the internal battle rages while every second, i consciously give it up to the One who's in charge. but the battle goes on. and on. and on.

=(

i guess it's time to do a monty python and look on the bright side of life. my sister's handling the situation well, my cousin's coming for the christmas production, i still have 10 days to kick myself out of the dean's list, i have a quiet christmas dinner at home to look forward to, i opened two pressies early and love 'em both (thanks ian and zhx, i couldn't help myself!) and while i still don't have a special someone, i can rest assured that i will never fall in love with my best friend's husband, like this fella did (well in his case it was his best friend's wife, but whatever), because i'm not stupid that way:

sigh. all i wanna do is watch ridiculous christmas romantic comedies all day. falalalala to me.

lishun at 10:59 AM

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

faith in a nutshell

it exasperates me that i don't know what He's doing.

but...

it's also kinda exciting that i don't know what He's going to do.

who needs bungee jumping?

lishun at 12:11 AM

Monday, December 17, 2007

never

i saw her lying there tonight, her eyes half-closed, cloudy with cataracts, and i recalled the day my grandmother came home for us to say our guilt-laced farewells.

i remembered i could not say anything. i wasn't even sure if she could hear me. i just sat by her bed, staring at the floor. i couldn't even bring myself to hold her hand. the woman in front of me, with morphine in her blood, wasn't my grandmother. my grandmother left me the moment she stopped talking because she was too sedated to say anything.

now, my grandmother's sister-in-law is back in her eldest son's house, just as my grandmother was back in my house then. i held her soft hands and stood close to her face so she could see me. still, i could not say anything eventhough i knew she could hear me. i just stood by her bed, staring at the liver spots on her arms.

i will never ever be a geriatrics specialist. never.

lishun at 10:00 PM

Saturday, December 15, 2007

in this house

"i pray for my family (almost) every day. yet the rooms remain devoid of God's presence and i feel it's all my fault. it's my fault for choosing to run away into the safety of church and uni instead of staying home and battling things out, things that i can't see or feel or hear or even know what they are. i know i've done all i can within my flawed, inadequate, small human capacity. still i feel God's work unravel and become undone when i'm at home. it's as if He's never been in my life when i step into the house. like a drain becomes unplugged when i come home and the Holy Spirit leaves the building as if it's a lost cause. i refuse to believe that lie because my God is mighty to bring the earth to submission, but there is no denying the difference between what i experience away from home and what goes on within the walls that i grew up in. am i not desperate enough?"

i wrote the words above this morning, after a heated discussion about stuff with my mother. it wasn't anything major and it wasn't really about me or her anyway, but it just reminded me that at any time there is something i am not at peace about, it's the Holy Spirit pointing to an aspect of my life that requires attention because something's just wrong.

sometime last week, i had a conversation with a friend about the mystery of why it's easier to share God with friends than with family. it's not limited to families like mine, with no christian background. no one is spared from this mystery. prayers for loved ones' salvation or rededication go on for decades without any clear "result" in sight. it's no wonder then that there is space for impatience, striving, loss of faith, disappointments, discouragements to sneak in between those years of prayer.

i guess i really needed reminding today about several things. i needed to remember that the God i love now is the same God abraham trusted in long ago. i needed to remember that His hand is not too short to reach my family, that i can rest in the knowledge that He has dominion over my home. i needed to be reminded that my time is not His time and that no matter what i see things as, He's got the bigger picture in mind. i may be impatient for things to happen but unless i am God, there is no way for me to determine what should happen and when.

i need God to be in my home. i need to relinquish my grip on the affairs of this family and release them to Him in prayer and submission.

we may not be the simpsons, my parents may not be ike and tina turner, we may be alot less complex compared to the british royal family...but we need God in this house, and we need Him desperately.

lishun at 11:22 PM

Friday, December 14, 2007

let the walls of doubt crumble

i'm not feelin' christmas at all this year. perhaps it's got to do with those three letters (E, O and S) or maybe it's because my father's not around or perhaps i'm making the prospect of entertaining friends the weekend before christmas more of a chore than it should be. whatever the reason, i'm just not feelin' it.

which pours a whole lot of guilt on me, really. here i am, trying my very best to remember that christmas isn't about wedding anniversaries or friends i haven't seen in 13 years but actually about the birth of a baby boy that has saved my life...and i can't feel the joy, the love that represents everything this holiday is.

i refuse to let my exams and impending social plans steal christmas from me. it hardly seems fair for the wonder of a humbly-born child, named the saviour God with us, to be withheld from me.

maybe i shall immerse in the words of one of my favourite christmas carols: "a silent wish sails the seven seas, the winds of change whisper in the trees, and the walls of doubt crumble - tossed and torn, this comes to pass when a child is born."

let the walls of doubt crumble. as the shepherds praised Him as they worked on the night Christ was born, so shall i praise Him through this season no matter how little i'm feelin' it.

lishun at 7:52 AM

Thursday, December 13, 2007

paragraph-less

ask me a question and i'll answer it. don't give up at the first monosyllabic answer. i'm not very good at rattling off long, detailed accounts of my day, but show me you want to know or else i'll end up keeping it all to myself. then you'll say that i never tell you anything, that it's my own fault for being reserved. can you blame me for wanting you to want to know? to make an effort to pry it out of me? that's how i know if you mean it. that's how i gauge how important i am to you. it's a screwed up way of thinking, but i can't start babbling when it's really not me to babble. so. keep asking me questions and i'll keep talking. i'd appreciate it very much.

lishun at 12:03 AM

Monday, December 10, 2007

screw karma

the best thing about not believing in karma is that i get to laugh as much as i want at this and this.

*grin*

having said that, my weekend is over. i have not completed everything on my list below, but it doesn't change the fact that it's back to work tomorrow. sigh.

lishun at 8:21 PM

Saturday, December 08, 2007

return of the talk

my mother gave me "the talk" again.

you know. the one that goes "i'm not rushing you or anything, but if you wait till you graduate, all the good guys would be either married or engaged or in a relationship or 'it's complicated' (ok fine she didn't say the 'it's complicated' bit) so make sure you find someone before you graduate ok? and you don't need to be choosy or wait for the 'right one'. as long as he loves you. you don't even need to love him that much. just as long as he loves you."

urgh.

so what? i'm supposed to be actively seeking? i'm already praying and working on my friendships and just doing what i think is important. am i supposed to be...scouting the prospects? purposely trying to get their attention? taking things by the rein? go for a makeover, act cute and helpless and clueless and in need of a rescue, laugh a little crisper and girly-er, flirt, be exceptionally nice, take dancing lessons, bake cupcakes, mould my interests into theirs, shower praises on them, and everything else that is on purpose and nothing to do with what i'm really like?

i will draw the line at maybe taking better care of myself, but i'd rather stick my arm up a cow's nether regions and deliver a calf than to straighten my hair and lavish my attention on guys on purpose just because i'm not getting any younger or because my mother is worried about me. i'm just not going to go down that path anymore.

besides, i believe in doing my best and relying on God to do the rest. if it's His will that i remain single so i can concentrate on doing what i should be doing, fine. if He wills that i have someone to travel the road He's prepared for me with, then that's great. for now, i'm just going to do what i'm doing and continue praying.

now, excuse me while i go shop for shoes.

lishun at 10:13 AM

Thursday, December 06, 2007

another sigh

"she said, 'i think i'll go to boston, i think that i'm just tired
i think i need a new town to leave this all behind
i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset
i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice
boston, where no one knows my name'"
- from "boston" by augustana

it rained all day. i spent it gathering up what's left of me and giving it away. whatever little, anyway. which wasn't much, as the victims of my moodiness would tell you right away. i'm currently at a spot where i am tempted to stamp my feet and scream that it's not fair and let every insecurity eat me up in tears before i fall asleep at night. as easy as it is to succumb to the self-pity and whine, i'd really rather not. i am, however, desperate to get away from all this. desperate to get off this roller coaster for a quick reprieve. desperate for an extension of time. for some snow.

sigh.

lishun at 11:35 PM

the list

if i don't write this down, i won't do any of it.

to be completed by 16th dec 2007:

1. ~~see the dentist~~
2. ~~get a haircut~~
3. ~~clean my car inside out~~
4. file my notes (renal&hi)
5. make/buy christmas pressies
6. purchase the following footwear:
- ~~1 pair wedges~~
- ~~1 pair stacked heels (optional)~~
- ~~1 pair court shoes (optional peep-toe)~~
- 1 pair bright, strappy, uncomfortable-but-cute heels
- ~~sandals (all i want for christmas is a pair of birkenstocks *hint hint*)~~
~~...and throw out the old/beyond repair~~
7. get a facial
8. stick up my wall deco properly
9. purchase the following garments:
- 1 cardigan/sweater/short-er jacket
- 1 cotton shirt
- 3 2 long-er tees/tunic
10. idunnowhatelsetoputbutmyOCDselfwillnotendthingsat9

i've just realised that to do everything in my list above, i'll probably be spending around the same amount as...never mind. man. maybe i shouldn't have made the list above. now i'm just depressed.

sigh.

lishun at 7:00 AM

Saturday, December 01, 2007

a much-needed laugh

today, i am ill. that means more procrastination on the revision, some E!, one or two episodes of jamie oliver, cups of disgusting herbal tea and lots of on-the-couch napping. it doesn't make me feel any less crappy, but at least i have an excuse to force myself to chill. gotta be ill to chill. urgh.

anyway, the last couple of days have been filled with guilt-trips, difficult non-conversations, feelings of impending lost friendships, restlessness, some disappointments and alot of reining in my temper. it's just been exhausting emotionally and, as it turns out, physically too.

what surprised me, though, is the people who ended up caring for me were the ones i'd least expect anything from. it was nice and it added a whole new dimension to my new policy of just getting out there and doing my best and not having any expectations about the kind of responses i want from the people i expect them from.

having said that, i found my laughter a little hollow for the last couple of days. a matter of trying too hard to lighten up and not be a sourpuss when i really did feel like my good ol' antisocial emo self who likes to pretend she doesn't need anyone in the world wide world.

which brings me to today, and what may be the lamest, most hilarious savagechickens cartoon yet. the laugh i got from this one was much-needed, much-welcomed, definitely genuine and it's gotten me in a good enough mood to want to share.