lishun's musings

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

freewheel

save me from the movies and someone else's dreams
while angels make their music and give my spirit wings
i just concertina and wrap around the world
staying out till 6 o'clock and singing like a fool
i've only got this morning to live
look at all the colours at my fingertips

save my feet from dancing with just anyone at all
worn out shoes 'cause lotus blue keeps hanging in the hall
you're this face in the distance i hope to recognise
but it's like running through deep water trying to look into your eyes
i've only got this morning to live
look at all the colours at my fingertips

i don't want to stand still
i just want to freewheel
i don't want to lose this

---

excel sheets to type. verses to write. oranges to steal. a sandwich to buy. yee sang to purchase. floor to mop. candles to light. people to meet. strategies to plan. a soul to replenish. discipline to build. excuses to dismiss. confessions to make. hands to hold. prayers to send. someone to forgive. God to seek. things to do.

i just want to freewheel.

lishun at 10:51 AM

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

maybe then

my mother once told me a story about a rich businessman and his two sons.

the older son was more business-savvy. he successfully developed his father's property into one of the most well-known business districts in the city and he was constantly finding new ways to reinvent the company and take it further. the younger son was in charge of a different part of the company but he made less money because he lacked his brother's confidence and, as a consequence, was unable to take the risks necessary to equal his brother's success.

growing up, the elder was a natural leader who made bold decisions and fiercely defended his choices. his father was pleased with his son's abilities and relieved that he did not need to worry for him at all. he was, however, concerned with his younger son's performance and constant need for guidance. the younger son wasn't any less intelligent than his brother, but he was the weaker one. he needed to be encouraged in order to carry out his tasks. he needed to be taken care of.

my mother ended the story by telling me that both sons have actually done their father proud. however, due to their different characters, the father has had to deal with them in two distinct ways.

with the elder, he had to restrain him at times to make sure he doesn't become too arrogant to take advice from his father. as a result, they often fought over business decisions as neither would give way to the other. in contrast, the younger son took his father's advice readily and welcomed any form of guidance. his parents protected him and were always ready with a constant supply of encouragement. his father pretty much held his hand as he learned the tricks of the trade.

"although the elder son was far more capable than his younger brother, eventhough he was the one his parents trusted most, i can assure you," my mother said, "that they loved the younger, weaker one more, simply because he needed them."

---

that certainly clears up a couple of things.

maybe i should go and perfect my damsel-in-distress act.

maybe then. maybe then.

lishun at 3:43 PM

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

a different question

every episode of any good television crime drama series has several essential components:

1. the crime
2. the collection of evidence
3. the analysis of evidence
4. the formation of hypotheses
5. the investigations
6. the questioning of personal philosophies and principles in the solving of the crime
7. the confrontation of the suspect
8. the conclusion

so what happens when, upon reaching component no.7, there is no satisfactory conclusion to be reached? it is possible then that the evidence may need to be looked at from a different angle. or, as professor fleinhardt of numb3rs said, "if you don't like the answer, ask a different question."; the hypotheses may all be wrong...ever thought about that?

anyway, there is a reason why i still employ logic in certain circumstances. if the theories and inspirations on one side of the story have been put under the microscope and investigated to no avail, perhaps the answer lies in the flip side, the side we subconsciously refuse to entertain.

so ask yourself a different question. i've exhausted my supply of alternative views. perhaps you should make an effort to exhaust yours too.

lishun at 1:55 AM

Monday, January 21, 2008

the cliff and the ocean

once upon a time, a limestone cliff fell in love with the turquoise ocean. he delighted in her company and appreciated her waves of concern whenever she came by to see him. they spent alot of time together, laughing over their misadventures, gossiping about mutual acquaintances. the cliff felt the ocean was a major part of his life and he longed for their friendship to become more exclusive.

however, the ocean had other friends who cared for her as well. the beach was a close friend, as was the albatross who often dropped by to share stories of faraway lands. the cliff was very jealous of the ocean's other friends, although he was glad that she would never be in want.

the ocean eventually drew farther and farther away from the cliff as the environment around them changed. she still stopped for a kind word or two whenever they met, but otherwise their friendship slowly waned. the cliff found new company with the rocks he never really noticed until the ocean stopped being a major part of his life. he also made friends with the seals that lived in the caves exposed as the tide fell.

despite all that, he never forgot the ocean and he hoped that she never forgot about him.

the end.

lishun at 11:09 PM

Sunday, January 20, 2008

curly

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*deep breath*

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*deep breath*

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*wipes tears from eyes*

haish.

nah, it's not the hair. i'm just ugly.

...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*deep breath*

oh man this is killing me.

lishun at 3:21 PM

Friday, January 18, 2008

the real reason

"okay, then let me ask you something. what is gonna make you happy, peyton? is it how you look or what car you drive or the people you know? is it money or celebrity or power or accomplishments? because i have all those things and i don't think it's enough."

"well then, what is?"

"love, i think. and that love can be from a boy or a girl or a place or a way of life or even from a family. but where you find it is up to you."

- from "one tree hill", ep501

there are a few things about one tree hill that i like enough to go back to the show over and over again.

corny lines, like the ones above. silly plots, like the chris keller episodes. irritating characters, like dan scott, who just wouldn't die damnit. unlikely couples, like skillz and bevin. great music from bands like jack's mannequin.

but the real reason i stay hooked to this show is the irresistibly cute guys. especially this one:

james lucas scott. sigh. doesn't he just take after his father?

lishun at 11:40 AM

Thursday, January 17, 2008

still believe

"amazing still it seems, i'll be 23
i won't always love what i'll never have
i won't always live with my regrets
you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?"
- from "23" by jimmy eat world

for some strange reason, 23 sounds far more adult than 22. it makes me think twice before i cry, as if tears are a mark of childhood. i chide myself for getting upset at things, as if adulthood means everything should be dealt with in a cold, unfeeling, "mature" manner.

well, in front of people at least.

i want to cry.

i wanted the right place, the right time, the right people. i had it all within my grasp and now it's gone. i'm sitting alone again, as if that's the order of the universe, how things are meant to be. i'm always hoping for the better things to come which never come, not when i hope it will or need it to anyway.

this is not the end of the world, of course. it makes me feel lonely and isolated and a downright idiot, but i still believe things will work out, no matter how much i feel like i'm being punished just for believing in that.

i still believe things will work out. i still believe things will work out.

lishun at 2:06 PM

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

my happy ending

"when i was younger, if i could do what i wanted to do, i would. just like you do now. as i grew older, i found myself in the position where i had to give alot of things up. gradually, they became less and less important and now, i have no regrets about letting go of the things i was interested in, no regrets at all."

i remember watching an episode of oprah where she talked about housewives living in disillusionment because they give up their dreams in exchange for a family, reality, life. that's apparently the main cause of depression among middle-aged women with teenaged children, a house in the suburbs and husbands who bring home the money and watch tv.

i came home at 3am yesterday, after watching a movie with friends. she told me she did not approve of me getting home so late, but she could understand why i sometimes do what i did. she said she would have done the exact same thing when she was younger. she loved hanging out with her friends, talking about similar interests, but she gave it up because her family was complicated and she'd rather stay home so her sister could go do the things she wanted to do as well.

after all those years of giving up what she loved so others could have their freedom, years of sacrificing for a family that wasn't even her own, she told me that she had no regrets. after all, those things didn't matter anymore. letting others have their day at the expense of her own interests made her realise that the greater good was far more important than herself.

i pondered over this for quite awhile. i'm sure she had alot of dreams and interests, a characteristic that i inherited. she was known as one of the most outgoing girls in her class. she wanted to become a nurse, and she would have been a great one too. she helped put 3 people through school. she raised a household. she abandoned her dreams to support others' aspirations, and she did all that without regret.

is giving yourself up sacrificially for others the "adult" thing to do? the right thing to do? leave your dreams and instead use all you have to serve others? is ambition a childish thing? is it wrong to want to chase your dreams, to not want to settle, to continue to be driven by what you've always wanted your life to be?

what then, about the millions of discontent housewives around the world, the ones who actually have the luxury of thinking about things like this, the ones which my generation is going to be in the future? what about the research that shows that housewives are most susceptible to illnesses due to depression and apathy and lack of sunshine or whatever? is it in actual fact just a matter of changing one's outlook on life?

perhaps i'm being childish, but i cannot imagine giving up my dreams because i settled for something and decided that i'm going to let that something, someone, be all there is for me. i just can't.

however, i can't deny that there's a possibility of becoming who she is now - a woman who gave herself up for the betterment of everyone else, let go of her ambitions, so that others could achieve theirs. and with no regrets, none at all.

i can't decide which would be my happy ending.

lishun at 10:01 AM

Monday, January 14, 2008

a cackling audition

for as long as i can remember, i have avoided play auditions like the plague. it wasn't because i loathed the performing arts - in fact, i enjoy watching all sorts of productions on stage - but i guess i knew from an early age that acting wasn't my forte.

what drove me to audition for the part of mrs lovett for my class assembly production of "sweeney todd" at the age of 8 is beyond me. alright, that's not entirely true. i knew exactly why i tried out for the part: the cutest boy in class played the lead and, well, he was the cutest boy in class.

the competition was stiff. there was just one other girl auditioning for the part and, as my luck would have it, it was the prettiest girl in class. she had only just joined the class a couple of months before and hailed from new jersey. she was bold, ridiculously confident for an 8-year-old, and looked as if she'd taken the lead in every play since kindy.

needless to say, i was nervous. really nervous.

we gathered in the small art room between mr thomas' and mrs marshall's classes. the task was simple enough - since mrs lovett made meat pies out of the bloody remains of sweeney todd's victims, we were to imagine her as a witch and show that we could act her part by giving our best witch-like cackle.

i felt a lump in my throat as i prepared to roughen my voice and laugh. i had it all sorted out in my mind. the laugh sounded perfect in my head. think wicked witch of the west. think head witch from roald dahl's novel. think poison apple from snow white. i was ready to gather every ounce of evil in me and put it all into my laugh...

...and all i could manage was, well, all i can say is that it wasn't a cackle fit for a witch.

janice won the part, and i spent the rest of the year trying not to listen to the rumours about her and alex.

of course, that was a long time ago. i lost touch with my friends in hong kong when i left at the age of 9 and it is only through the magic of facebook that i've found some of them again.

however, i never really forgot that class production of "sweeney todd". i was eventually given a short speech to say, to introduce the various victorian melodramas and music halls that we put together as a performance. but i remember watching jealously while the three lead actors played their parts in front of the rest of the school, while janice aka mrs lovett laughed an evil laugh that sent shivers down our young spines.

i was ecstatic to know that johnny depp and helena bonham carter were cast into the lead roles of tim burton's "sweeney todd". the memories of that class assembly so many years ago came flooding back, and i was delighted that burton's adaptation is as dark and bloody as my class production was comedic and violence-free (although the rubber knife was pretty convincing at the time).

i'm not sure if mrs lovett really does laugh like a witch, but i sure am glad to have the chance to watch the story of the demon barber unfold before me again.

at least this time, i won't need to worry about the two leads falling in love.

lishun at 12:37 PM

Sunday, January 13, 2008

a laugh on sunday

it wasn't that long ago when i had a list stretching beyond 15 items. admittedly, almost half of the attributes listed were physical, while the other requirements dealt with character. hardly anything was about how i should be treated, but i guess i never really cared for the princess treatment.

as the years went by, the list has shrunk to a single phrase, made popular by a friend of mine - "loves God, loves me. fears God, fears me." i still crack up just thinking about it, wondering if that's me lowering my expectations or in actual fact raising them to an ideal.

when i found this gem of a find from found magazine (eh?) i couldn't help but laugh out loud. the person who submitted it didn't know what it was, but i knew. i loved the fact that the handwriting appeared to be of an adolescent's and that it was as specific as the list i once had.

i had a bit of a giggle this morning when i stumbled upon this again while sifting through some old files in the computer. it's a reminder that God has a sense of humour, that i am not merely a cocktail of doctrines and ambition. there is space to laugh, even if it's at myself.

this is going to be a great day!

lishun at 11:34 AM

Friday, January 11, 2008

sowing and reaping

whoever said "you reap what you sow" was a very wise person.

i'm glad that that very wise person was also wise enough to prepare me for the harvest i collected today.

not the miracle i was half-hoping for, but i guess i knew what was coming anyway.

i could have done better, but i didn't...so i reaped sparingly.

still, i'm thankful that He's kept me sane.

my holidays begin now. =)

lishun at 7:57 PM

Thursday, January 10, 2008

be with me now

so i found the house. i found the housemates. they needed a place too because their previous arrangements weren't working out. great! it was the perfect house, perfect location and the perfect people.

i guess i celebrated too soon.

you know what, Lord? You told me not to worry, and i believed You. for awhile, i thought that that assurance had materialised into something real.

now, it has fallen apart. i am so disappointed that i don't even know what to tell my mother, my faithful one other housemate and the house owner that i had settled everything with. i'm still dumbstruck by how quickly everything turned from nicely arranged to disarray once more.

to be honest, i am tempted to bitch about what's happened. i want to scream and shout and cry and curse. i am beyond disappointed. i am angry and tired and frustrated. i will not keep a grudge against anyone, but i cannot hide the fact that i am less than thrilled about what happened.

still, if You told me not to worry, then i won't. if You say You've got it covered, then You have.

just be with me now as i go down and break the news to my mother.

---

God is good all the time. and all the time, God is good. my mother understood, the house owner understood, and i have a week to look for new housemates. Lord, please give me clean ones. thanks. =)

lishun at 9:32 PM

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

just waiting

a sign from God. a knight in shining armour. things to happen. testing times. eternity. the seed of passion. the world to change. a window of opportunity. a revelation. the fulfillment of a promise. my turn to be whole. directions. my time to shine. great things to come. doors to open.

it is the waiting, the mundane, the times in the valley where you feel like you've asked for all you could ask for, you've tried the very best you can, you've done what you've been entrusted to do, that will show if you choose to let self-pity get you down or you choose to hang on stubbornly and have faith that whatever you're waiting for will come.

not in your time, but in His beautiful time. not in the way you want it to be, but in accordance to His will.

as an impatient, result-oriented person, this reliance on Him can only bring about one of two outcomes - either i begrudgingly settle for whatever little my limited ability can achieve, or i rest in believing that He knows best.

i'm waiting for so many things that i wonder if i'm asking too much and doing too little. sigh.

lishun at 12:06 PM

Saturday, January 05, 2008

what it was

now that pre-clinical school has ended and we're moving onto the "real stuff" later this year, it is hardly surprising that the words on everyone's lips are "wow, the last 2 1/2 years have just flown by."

flown by? i don't remember feeling like things were flying by when i went for lectures i couldn't understand, looked at pictures of microorganisms that all appeared the same, and stood trembling while trying to remember how to perform a full respiratory system examination in front of a lecturer who stopped me at nearly every step.

it felt exactly like what it was - 2 1/2 years.

it's only now that it's all over that it feels like it flew by. that's simply because we're at a position to be retrospective and we're able to spend a little time looking back. it wasn't like that in sem1 when all we had to look to was forward - forward into 3 major exams, 14 minor ones, 10 different systems of the human body and hundreds of sets of notes. but now that we are here where we are, we can afford a moment to look back at those seemingly scary obstacles and have the luxury to exclaim and say that they went by so quickly.

anyway, what i'm trying to say is...don't cheapen the time we spent in imubj by dismissing it as having flown by. it was still - lemme do the math here - 30 months of preparing (sufficiently or otherwise) for greater things to come, 900 days of great times with our friends, times that we can never relive.

i hope everyone remembers our time in imubj as the full 2 1/2 years it was, and i hope we can recall it as time well spent.

lishun at 8:47 AM

Friday, January 04, 2008

just once

if i'm going to whine, i might as well whine just once. the caps-ridden email i sent to my best friend doesn't count. this will be the one and only whine. ok fine, the last one, at least.

it's hard to enjoy my first few hours of freedom from pre-clinical school when i am absolutely disappointed with how i did, despite the fact that the results will only be released next week. i am disappointed with myself because i didn't give it my best shot, i didn't do my best and i certainly did not put in the amount of effort that i should have. i am guilty of committing tautology in the above sentence, but it just goes to show that i cannot say it enough.

i did not give my best for this exam, and there is no one and nothing that i can blame for it other than myself.

so, what happened? i guess i simply got lazy. or maybe i played the procrastinator, believing i had plenty of time when i didn't. i know that somewhere along the way i let discouragement get me down for far too long, and by the time i realised i had to move on, it was too late. i became apathetic. i just didn't want to try anymore.

as to how much i'll have to pay for it, i'll only know next week. until then, i have to try and stop sulking or else i'm gonna be a wet blanket at every post-exam celebration i attend.

anyway, i'll probably cry about it sometime later tonight, maybe console myself with some chocolate and a few excuses that aren't true. it doesn't matter how i cope with it all, the bottom line is that i simply did not do my best and will have to bear the consequences pretty soon.

but i do thank God for not giving up on me and for continuously prodding my stubborn self to get out of the rut i was in. too bad i didn't listen sooner.

lishun at 12:37 PM

Thursday, January 03, 2008

wrong

adultery is wrong. secretly taping someone committing adultery is wrong. using a sex tape with intentions of bringing someone down is wrong. hypocrisy is wrong.

therefore...

he was wrong. the people who taped and distributed the dvds are wrong. his political rivals are wrong. the rakyat are wrong.

then what would have been the most ideal outcome?

---

it pisses me off that the world believes it's alright to screw around as long as you don't get caught. or it's okay to buy out the people who catch you so things stay quiet. or whatever.

i can't help but be "holier than thou" and say that he just shouldn't have done it. that way, no one could have taped and distributed videos of him doing it. his competitors would have to find something else to hold against him. the people would have stuck to passing judgment on britney spears instead.

i'm sad to see him go, shot down in a blaze of shame, because he was doing his job pretty well.

there are a million other issues to bring up when discussing this issue - invasion of privacy, other politicians caught in the act, how else he could have handled the situation besides coming straight out with a confession, whether he was stupid for doing so - but what's wrong is wrong.

and, in the words of debbie teh, "we have no boss anymore" because of it all.

--

do i think he should be forgiven and shouldn't have resigned?

if anyone has the grace to forgive, then yes he should be forgiven. as for the resignation, i believe he did what he felt was best to do. whether it was forced or otherwise, there was definitely alot of thought put into it. i just wish he didn't go down this way.

lishun at 3:13 PM

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

the pinkpau meme

it's january! =)

for some reason, i get quite excited when december turns into january because...well...december's such a gloomy "everything's ending" kind of month while january brings a promise of a whole new year to wipe the slate clean and have another chance at making the next 366 (it's a leap year! yay!) days as great as possible. whee!

well, i'll be talking to a pillow and perfecting my "if you are in any pain, do let me know" and "please say 'yes' if you can feel this on any part of your body" today. urgh. spent new year's eve practicing on my ticklish cousin (so much for working on my palpation so-called skills) and lamenting the fact that it was too cloudy to see the fireworks from my house. grr.

but before i go back to pseudo-studying, i'm gonna do pinkpau's meme (random fact: the fiercely atheist richard dawkins first coined the word "meme" in 1976). whee!

1. what did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
um. volunteer with an ngo. enjoyed every minute of it, even when it was just office stuff.

2. did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't make resolutions anymore. i just try to improve as i go along.

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
close...no. oh wait, my cousin-in-law gave birth. oh wait, that was 2006. hmm. oops sorry.

4. did anyone close to you die?
thankfully, no.

5. what countries did you visit?
man, i didn't travel at all last year. ok fine, singapore.

6. what would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
administrative skills.

7. what dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
not really a date, but a month. september, because that was when the charity run wrapped up. being part of the committee stretched me thin. it wasn't very pleasant, and i will never get myself involved in something like that out of guilt and obligation anymore, but it sure was memorable.

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
helping to raise over RM80,000 for three charities through the imu charity run-carnival.

9. what was your biggest failure?
not doing a very good job at getting sponsors. most of the credit has to go to my colleague, jen.

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
just the usual cold or two. or twenty.

11. what was the best thing you bought?
um. um. i didn't shop much. maybe that black wraparound blouse from gap.

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
al gore. for cleverly using an altruistic cause to boost his public image and win a nobel prize while at it too.

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
musharraf.

14. where did most of your money go?
food, for myself and other people.

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
harry potter 7, fo sho!

16. what song will always remind you of 2007?
i dunno. i felt the music this year was rubbish.

17. compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
happier, fatter, poorer.

18. what do you wish you’d done more of?
spend time with my family, study, pray, run.

19. what do you wish you’d done less of?
sulk and watch youtube.

20. how did you spend christmas?
went for christmas service, bought char siew and roast pork home, had dinner with family.

21. did you fall in love in 2007?
no. sigh.

22. what was your favorite tv program?
2007 was the year of fab tv series! gosh. heroes (yata!), grey's anatomy, one tree hill, house. love 'em!

23. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
hate is such a strong word. i prefer "strongly dislike". having said that, no.

24. what was the best book you read?
never let me go, by kazuo ishiguro.

25. what was your greatest musical discovery?
arctic monkeys!

26. what did you want and get?
a new cardigan. thanks trish, ed and jason!

27. what did you want and not get?
a dslr. =(

28. what was your favorite film this year?
i cannot remember any of the movies i've watched in 2007, eventhough i could prolly count 'em all in one hand.

29. what did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
haha my "children" surprised me after lectures on the day before. it was great! =)

30. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i managed to finish everything i started.

31. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
i started buying more practical stuff, that's for sure. no more impulse, trend-led purchases for me. nuh-uh.

32. what kept you sane?
God.

33. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
josh hartnett!

34. what political issue stirred you the most?
pakistan's tragic state.

35. who did you miss?
my dear sec school friends, and m204.

36. who was the best new person you met?
it'd be unfair to choose just one, wouldn't it? i'd say...the awesome people from ecf.

37. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
be slow to judge, quick to listen and even slower to speak.

alrighty. back to work.

lishun at 10:14 AM