Sunday, March 30, 2008

always remember

a strange thing happens when we get older. we lose the foolish pride of our youth and gain an arrogance inflated by our so-called world experience. "i've tasted more salt than you," we proudly proclaim, as if it were a license to discard all humility.

perhaps we are so anxious to forget how naive we were once, so much so that selective amnesia becomes our coping mechanism of choice. we deny that we ever harboured childish thoughts. we refuse to acknowledge the silly decisions we made. and when younger minds make the same mistakes we made years ago, we are quick to judge and condemn.

i made a promise some time ago to never forget how juvenile i was in school. i promised to remember that every exam i went through, every conflict i cried over was very real at the time. when i become a doctor in the future, i will recall the awkwardness i am experiencing now as i make my way cautiously around the wards and be forgiving towards the students that get in my way.

over the weekend, i made it a point to read my old diaries so i can remember what it was like being 18.

i was "depressed" every other week. every single problem i encountered was a major catastrophe. a tiff with a roommate meant armageddon was at hand. God forbid if i should have homework and project work to do on the same night. i was convinced that everyone was in cahoots against me, that i was the victim in every situation.

it made me laugh, but it also served as a reminder that my mind was alot narrower then than it is now. i understand that my mind is broadening, even as i write. what i consider a major problem at this point in my life will be a trivial worry 5 years down the road. it was a humbling thought.

so who am i to look down at someone younger and dismiss her as childish, immature and too stubborn to see the big picture? i may be able to identify things on a larger scale now, but when i was her age, i was just as foolish. i'd probably throw the same tantrums and sulk in the same corner.

i am a little more than incensed by the situation simply because some humility and growing up could pretty much solve the whole problem, but the retrospective look on things is proof that some grace could very well come into the equation too. grace, patience, lots of prayer.

i wish i shared my tiny world with someone bigger a long time ago. maybe then i wouldn't have stayed so small for so long. she has no idea how blessed she is.

lishun at 6:31 PM

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Saturday, March 29, 2008

not mine

it's been threatening to rain for more than an hour. i've been on the verge of tears for a little more. it's obvious right now that there's no forever. and i'm wondering what i'm waiting for.

what i'm waiting for.

what i'm waiting for.

there's a broken heart out there to be shattered. the thunder's been rolling too many times before. when i look back i think it never really mattered. and you wonder what you've been waiting for.

what you're waiting for.

what you're waiting for.

the lightning has commanded the skies to open. i hoped your smile would greet me at the door. but the words were written, recorded and spoken. there is nothing left worth waiting for.

worth waiting for.

worth waiting for.

i was waiting for something that's not mine anymore.

lishun at 5:00 PM

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Friday, March 28, 2008

the difference

"so why have you come today?"

"i've had a sore throat and headache for slightly more than a week now."

"fever?"

"no, no fever."

"you sure?"

*places thermometer on my forehead*

"see? 39 degrees. what made you think you didn't have a fever?"

---

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the difference between a 3rd year medical student who relies on her own flawed judgment and a doctor whose had at least 3 years of work experience, seeing people come in every day with the same symptoms.

so yes, i hit the jackpot with the 20% chance of developing a fever. i am now a temporary druggie dependent on amoxycillin, paracetamol and pseudoephedrine. i slept a straight 12 hours last night (thank God it's a holiday today!) but my right shoulder still hurts.

hopefully i can give my liver and kidneys a break tomorrow by going off the paracetamol by the end of the day.

lishun at 9:03 AM

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

woe

perhaps i've been quick to label people and situations as childish and unimportant. i am sorry if my advice has led anyone astray. however, i don't believe in sugarcoating things, i don't believe in euphemisms...at least not past a certain point. Jesus may have used parables when teaching, but His points were always clear to those to were meant to hear it at that time. He never downplayed His task on earth, His words were sharp to the ears that were meant to receive them. so if you were offended, if you were seeking sweet consolations instead of what i've been moved to say to you...you've come to the wrong place. maybe you should take a better look at yourself and run your thoughts by God. maybe i could have been both strict yet gentle, in the same way Jesus responded to martha. either way, we both have something to learn and there's no use being unyielding about it all.

so yes, woe be to the one through whom things that cause sin have come. but woe also to the one whose heart is hardened to God's word.

lishun at 7:06 PM

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

no debts

no one owes you anything. if there's something that i've really learnt from the few years i've been on this earth, it is that no one owes me anything.

you're not obliged to compliment or thank me everytime i do something good. it's not your duty to relay information to me unless you are directly accountable to me. there is no such thing as "you MUST help me because you're my friend/sister/cousin/husband." no one owes you an explanation, a word of encouragement, a lending hand.

they're all choices. you may say that we have a responsibility to be good to one another, treat everyone equally, and give respect where it's due. but there is always the choice not to, and the sinner in each one of us will sometimes take that option, whether consciously or subconsciously.

even in a marriage, it is the choice of both the husband and the wife to stay together, to work on their relationship, to have children, to take care of the family. so many people decide not to. even the covenant of marriage isn't an obligation. neither is it a matter of emotional debt.

most importantly, you cannot make others choose to acknowledge you all the time. it is their choice to make, whether their decisions are based on God's word or the world's views, and there isn't anything you can do to intervene.

however, having said all that, there is something i can do for myself in the face of all this. i can choose to be responsible for my own actions. i can fulfill my duty as a sister, daughter, friend and be considerate towards the people i care about and remember to give acknowledgment where it is warranted to be given.

finally, i can choose to not blame others for their shortcomings. i can choose not to impose my expectations on them and instead concentrate on doing my part.

this doesn't mean i don't get irritated when i feel as though someone owes me an explanation or a word of praise or just some indication that my efforts are noticed. but it does mean i am spared a whole lot of bitterness and anger and sadness. it means i write one less emo poem and make one less ranty phone call.

it means i am just that little more mature.

lishun at 7:10 AM

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Monday, March 24, 2008

i have

i have...

a headache. a 20% chance of developing fever. an exam tomorrow. 3 reports due next week. stuff to read up on. people to follow up on. family to please. bills to pay.

but i also have...

a God who loves me. warm honey milk tea. friends whom i miss alot. a family that is adorably normal. the privilege to study worry-free.

life is great!

lishun at 5:49 PM

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

to honour You

"i have no patience for doctors who smoke," said the chest physician to the group of aspiring doctors who all wished they were somewhere else that beautiful saturday morning. "they have no excuse to smoke, not even in a social setting. it's pure hypocrisy."

---

two years ago, i wrote about how i was blown away by the awesomeness of God's love on good friday. i ended the post with lyrics from a song, the chorus of which goes like this:

amazing love, how can it be?
that You, my King, would die for me?
amazing love, i know it's true
now it's my joy to honour You
in all i do, i honour You


at that time, it was the first two lines that hit me most. since then, i've kept myself reminded about how unfathomable it is to personally know and love a God who also personally knows and loves me.

this easter, i am struck by the lines about honouring Him.

as i sang the song while driving home after service, memories about the things i do and have done rushed into my head. do my actions honour God? do my thoughts honour Jesus? do i do what i do with joy? how could i possibly be humbled by God's grace yet continue in ways that dishonour Him?

the number of dishonourable things i've done, in just one day, is staggering. some of them are old bondages that have propped up time and again like an unresolved pneumonia (forgive me, i'm a medical student). others are bad habits that can and should be stopped immediately. i didn't repent for all those sins, not at once anyway.

but at the same time, i am exhorting others to live their lives pure, encouraging them to grow in faith and giving advice on how to claim the victory and promises of God.

it's disgraceful, and it's like what the professor said: there is no excuse for hypocrisy.

i stopped singing. it is hardly right to sing in worship when i am no better than a pharisee.

---

it isn't easy to quit the things that do not honour God. it includes throwing some things away, changing some habits, constant reminders and, most importantly, a conviction to change.

i am convicted to live a life that honours God. if there's anything that warrants change, that would be it. it means giving up a few things that please me but do not please God.

still, what is that compared to the price He paid for my salvation?

have a blessed easter, everyone. =)

lishun at 12:07 AM

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Saturday, March 22, 2008

an idol issue

it bothers me that the american idol judges have labelled the current batch of contestants as the most talented yet. hello? has everyone forgotten season 5 already? don't the names taylor hicks, katharine mcphee, elliot yamin and chris daughtry ring a bell anymore?

anyway, i won't be able to follow the competition as closely as i would like to this time around thanks to the fact that i now spend more than half my time away from an astro decoder.

it doesn't mean i don't have my favourites though. as usual, i'm partial to the guys - how could any girl not be, considering how ridiculously cute they are this time? haha.

but that's besides the point.

here's my top 6.

michael johns


i love him because he's got frontman quality. however, his good looks are not gonna help him much in the competition. the sad truth is that his voice isn't good enough and he looks lonely without a band behind him. he's like a poor man's version of chris daughtry. but i'll still root for him although he's average among the best because he's the best among the average. ok fine, that wasn't very reassuring.

moving on.

brooke white


she's an angel that not only sings, but stays away from R-rated movies as well. one point for the goody-two-shoes-mormons! she may have had her share of criticism, but she's just fabulous when she starts singing. i like her unrealistically wholesome resume, but again i doubt she'd go all the way.

david archuleta


i have yet to find anyone who dislikes him. he's young, fresh, unpolished, adorably shy...and best of all, he sings like a pro. brilliant. i look forward to his performances every week. definitely a top 3 contender, as long as he grows in confidence on-stage and off.

carly smithson


the irish girl with the kickarse tattoo! she has a fabulous voice and she sings like a pro because she is a pro, but i think she'll have a tough time convincing people that she deserves to win more than the others who are miles younger but are almost as talented as she is.

david cook


the main reason i love him is his ability to come up with unique arrangements of the songs he sings. he could very well have been a contestant in rockstar inxs, judging from his original interpretations of old favourites. anyone who can make lionel richie's "hello" not corny definitely has my vote!



ramiele malubay


people are calling her the paris (bennett, from that all-star season 5) of season 7, and rightly so. she's small, big voice, and too cute. waaaaay too cute. haha. of course, that alone wouldn't be sufficient to see her through, but like david, she's young, fresh and unpolished and she'd be a great american idol winner. good schtuff!

if the competition were based on vocal skills alone, the contestants to watch would be david archuleta, carly smithson, chikezie and ramiele. however, i feel the one person with the complete package would be dave cook. record-ready, looks great, got a bit of a cocky air about him...total rock star material.

well, those are the ones i will be looking forward to every week. man, i hope the final 10 will deliver and live up to the standard set by the lovely batch that was season 5.

lishun at 12:21 AM

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

storm

i feel like an underachiever masquerading as an overachiever. there's nothing to be proud of.

i've never fought to make doors through the walls. my convictions are shallow. my passion is non-existent. i believe in helping people in whatever way i can, yet i limit the things that i can do. my world is smaller than what it could be. my eyes are dim and blind.

i'm not the best at anything, not the first in anything, not even remotely outstanding in anything at all.

so much for believing in myself and saying that i'll try my best.

i was meant to live for so much more, have i lost myself?

---

whenever i am disappointed with myself, dismayed at the unfulfilled potential in my life, i think about gideon who, with 300 men, defeated a swarm of midianites because God was with him.

gideon, who did not have a dream or a passion in his life. gideon, who needed to be assured time and time again that God was real. gideon, who asked for signs and wonders and proof of God's power. gideon who was afraid and doubtful. God was with him.

and then i read about the woman who bled for years and was healed because she believed she would be cured if only...if only she could touch Jesus.

my friend kyle asked me to listen to a song, "storm" by lifehouse, a couple of days ago. the chorus goes:

"if i could just see You, everything will be alright
if i'd see You, the storminess will turn to light

and i will walk on water, and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes, and everything will be alright"


it will. if i could just see You.

last week, i prayed for my faith to grow even more this year. this week, i see that there is no way that can be done merely by praying and reading His word more. if i could just see Him and believe that's all it takes...that'd be a different level of faith altogether already.

and everything will be alright.

lishun at 9:55 AM

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Monday, March 17, 2008

happy birthday

this blog is 5 years old.

i started it one afternoon in the sajc library. the debut entry (titled "tubed") was lost in the great diary-x server breakdown of '06, along with a hundred other entries. i painstakingly gathered the pieces that were still floating around cyberspace and moved my memories here.

my frustrations with college and hostel life. my early ventures into a life with Jesus. my thoughts on anything and everything. cryptic messages to people who have hurt me. open declarations of joy to anyone who would listen.

it's a progress chart of how i've grown and it's all here, in these virtual pages.

happy birthday, lishun's musings.

lishun at 9:18 PM

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Saturday, March 15, 2008

missing finger

i didn't notice a missing finger yesterday.

i saw a hand with pink fingernails, i felt a pulse that was strong and regular. i felt a palm that was warm, but i didn't realise she had 4 fingers on one hand.

granted, the surgeon who performed the amputation did an extraordinarily good job. he removed the entire index finger, taking great care to sew her skin together flawlessly. he had assured her so many years ago that no one would notice unless they looked hard enough.

i held her hands and i didn't look hard enough. my colleague immediately pointed it out.

it would be an understatement to say i was embarrassed. i felt the colour drain from my face and would have burst into tears if i were just that little bit more sensitive. i wanted to bury my head into the dark green curtains around me and step outside the world for a little while.

observation skills cannot be taught. if i'm this careless now, how could any of my patients trust me 3 years down the road?

---

"this then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. for God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." - 1 john 3:19-20

i may not know, but He knows. i may not see, but He sees. there is a strange comfort in knowing that, and a death of the condemnation in my heart.

it wouldn't be fair to say it was a bad week. i learnt alot and i enjoy this much much more than the dreary hours in the library, reading about diseases i have not seen, felt, heard for myself. but i would be lying if i said i wasn't discouraged by the realisation of my incompetence.

still, if He sees and He knows, by His grace one day i will see and know too. i'm praying for that day, praying for a way for that to happen. and i will never miss a missing finger again.

lishun at 12:02 AM

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Sunday, March 09, 2008

a new chapter

my state is, for the first time, not under the rule of the national coalition. i have a new menteri besar, a new state assemblyman, and a new member of parliament.

i have no idea how things will work out, or how they should work out. i can only hope for the best.

but a new chapter is precisely what we need. a breath of fresh air. a change in atmosphere. we may not know if this change is for better or for worse, but we've taken a chance and now we'll reap the outcomes of our votes.

perhaps the people are most worried about which parties will form coalitions, or who will be the new prime minister in the unlikely event that the current leader resigns. but i guess those are worries that no one can see the solution to for the time being.

i'm just going to keep my fingers crossed and my prayers focused and see how God moves in this country.

lishun at 11:42 AM

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Saturday, March 08, 2008

for the first time

i visited my primary school for the first time in more than 10 years this morning. it was strange walking the corridors a decade after leaving them.

nothing much has changed. the classrooms still have those dark brown wooden desks with rough surfaces. i wouldn't be surprised if the tables retained the correction fluid souvenirs my friends and i left on them so many years ago. the music room is in the exact same place. the "nilai murni" plaques my headmaster installed on the stairwells prior to his retirement are still there, albeit somewhat worn out.

however tempted i was to wander around and peek into each and every classroom, i wasn't there today to reminisce about those innocent days. i was there to cast my vote, for the first time ever, for whoever i think is best to act in my interest.

voting was incredibly easy. all i did was hand over my identity card and had my name checked out on the roll. then i was given two voting slips before being ushered to a voting booth that was little more than a classroom desk with a cardboard box to prevent my vote from being seen. after that, it was a matter of folding the voting slips and putting them into the relevant box.

the end.

i am proud to say that the choices i made were pretty well-informed decisions. i wish i could have gone to more rallies and heard a couple more speeches. i wish i asked my father for more clarification on the economic issues discussed by the candidates. but what little i have seen and heard has convinced me that the people whose names i placed an "X" next to were the right people and i guess that's what really matters.

i hope everyone who can vote has gone out and done just that.

now, let's sit tight and wait for the results tonight.

lishun at 2:58 PM

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Friday, March 07, 2008

to

from next week onwards, a huge chunk of my life will be among the beds of the wards and the people who reluctantly find temporary refuge in the rooms of the hospital.

i will be getting to know them, and the people who attend to them. i will find my way through a system that is supposed to improve lives. there will be times when i am discouraged and tired, but i pray for the occasional gift of not just a great medical case, but a display of the part of God that He has left in us.

it is a pity that writing about interesting patients is a serious offence that can find me suspended. considering the amount of time i will be spending with them, i guess it'll be hard to not share what i learn from them. maybe i'll try my luck asking for permission to write about the ones who teach me life-long lessons, stories that are too good to keep to myself.

i hope i will be even more humbled in the next couple of years. humble to take criticism, humble to admit that i am ignorant, humble to recognise that i am a servant to the sick, that everything i learn i owe it to them.

i also hope i'll never be too busy to write. do wish me the best.

lishun at 2:42 PM

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