Wednesday, April 30, 2008

this is not a football blog...

...but how can i hide my elation over this?



i was 14 the last time manchester united was crowned king of european club football. 9 years later, i hope i'll see them do it again - this time with scholes on the pitch. it's especially wonderful that someone from the squad of '99 was the one who powered united into the final this year. brings back some great memories! =)

anyway, i'm speechless with joy. it's just gonna be a great day today!

lishun at 6:44 AM

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Monday, April 28, 2008

lesson not learnt

the self-imposed ban on romantic comedies has been broken. as a consequence, i now have unrealistic expectations on what love is again. oh yay.

anyway, no teenage girl in the '90s will ever forget this movie, this scene, this smile, this face.



can you believe he was only 20 at the time?

anyway, if nostalgia isn't a good enough reason for you to watch the film (in 10 parts here) again, maybe these priceless lines would make it worth your while:

i know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
i think you can in europe.

maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep. are there sheep?

what's normal? those damn dawson's river kids, sleeping in each other's beds and whatnot?

well maybe you're not afraid of me but i'm sure you've thought about me naked, huh?
[sarcastically] am i that transparent? i want you, i need you, oh baby, oh baby.

do you even know my name, screwboy?

boy, did i love this movie when it was first released. sigh. =)

lishun at 8:40 PM

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

sigh

"so how would you rank your priorities?" she asked the class. "how would you arrange God, family, self and work in order of priority?"

the class mumbled a couple of answers. it was a bible study class held in church - there was no way anyone would put anything other than God first. God family self work. God self family work. God family work self. God work family self.

"you see," she continued, "if we lived like that, according to what we put first, it would result in alot of problems. it could cause alot of pain. instead, make God the centre of your life - everything else is peripheral to Him. that means, none of the others is more important than the other. in the end, it all still links back to Him."

---

my weekends are crazily hectic and laden with guilt most of the time. i finish class at 5pm on fridays and rush back to kl for life group at 6pm. if i stay for dinner, it's only 10pm that i reach home, just in time to wish my parents good night and head off to bed.

the next day, depending on what happens, i am out of the house for more than 6 hours - for church, for meeting up with people before church, for whatever happens after church. i have missed countless suppers and offended countless people in the rush to get home as early as possible to avoid upsetting my parents.

sundays, thank God, are usually eventless and i spend it ironing my clothes, watching csi...just making sure that i am physically at home so my parents are happy.

---

i thought about what she said about God being the centre and everything else being a "supplement" while driving home tonight.

i was running late because of a birthday celebration and some minor complications with arranging transportation and the main thing on my mind was "they're not going to be pleased with me reaching home almost 11pm...i sure hope dad has gone to sleep." in addition to that, i angry at myself for losing my patience earlier when everyone seemed to take the supper arrangements for granted. it really wasn't big enough a deal to warrant me losing my head, but it was annoying all the same.

and it made me think: how could there possibly be a middle ground between my duties at home and my responsibilities at church, to God? the example given during the bible study class was "what's stopping you from bringing your family to church?" um, i dunno, the fact that they told me directly to neither evangelise nor even suggest church to them? besides, if i end up spending the only time i get to spend at home these days at the very place they refuse to visit...how does that bode well for me as to how i behave as a christian in my home?

there's a reason why my parents keep hearing stories of their friends' children "abandoning" the family for church commitments, neglecting to support them financially because their children think tithing is more important, and other complaints of the sort.

---

anyway, out of all the things that were said in the class, i agree most with what she said about there being alot of pain and guilt if we handle the important things in life as a priority issue instead of putting God as the focus of it all.

right now, i feel nothing but guilt in having to "choose", every weekend, as to whether i am going to spend most of my time in church or at home. i feel guilty about missing church stuff or being late for meetings when i'm with my family. i feel guilty for not being more at home when i'm serving at church.

but as long as i am struggling with this, i really can't see how my family can be equally among the other things surrounding God.

it's not a happy place to be in. i will run out of reasons and explanations very soon. i will probably run out of patience too. Yesus...apa macam ni?!

lishun at 11:23 PM

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Friday, April 25, 2008

from the clutter in my brain

i'm rediscovering angsty alternative music. aren't i too old? shouldn't i be tut-tutting at the guys in sneakers, skinny jeans and mops for hair? i should be frowning disapprovingly at the whingy lyrics and shallow observations on life and girls, no? but here i am, enjoying every minute of the music video on telly, featuring a band with a scruffy frontman in a suit, playing a song with just one chord and some marching band drumming going on.

maybe it's time to start acquiring alternative music by bands and singers with odd names and raspy voices again. then i can spout obscure album names and quote lyrics from songs about unfair parents and sugar-coated summers on this blog, hence elevating my status back to "music elitist who thinks it's cool to listen to music no one else has ever heard of", a rank i have long been demoted from ever since i became a serious twat and lost my sense of humour.

---

i must have been lacking protein in my diet. i have a sudden craving for red meat. grwl.

still, that should be perfectly understandable especially since i have cheese on toast for brekkie, chappati with dhal and curry sauce for lunch, and random leftovers for dinner almost every day in seremban.

anyone wants to take me out to dinner and buy me steak/lamb shanks/pork knuckles?

---

for the longest time, my father has been trying to get his two tomboy daughters to finally dress up, make up and behave like ladies. he hasn't been very successful with the latter, but i've recently decided to stop being too lackadaisical about my appearance. hence the contact lenses (ok fine they were originally bought for tomboy purposes i.e. futsal and running) and makeup and unhealthy obsession to lose weight.

however, i never realised exactly how dependent i have become on the trusty tools in my makeup bag until i opened my duffel bag last night and realised that i left my entire kit in seremban.

aargh. aargh.

yes yes inner beauty and all that, but i have horrendous dark circles (i'm a medical student, they're compulsory) that make me look like a character out of "sweeney todd". aargh! whattodo whattodo???

---

i do not feel like i'm in the position to do anything holy like leading cell group and ministering to people. i don't deserve to. but i will have to, later tonight. maybe i haven't been hearing from the Holy Spirit much lately, but He'll have to do the talking. i cannot bear to be hypocritical. =(

---

it's gonna be a great weekend!

lishun at 12:53 PM

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

good grief

once a whinger, always a whinger.

i'm in a rush to grow up and stop being a whiny brat.

at least then i won't exasperate myself so much.

can't wait for the weekend!

lishun at 9:23 PM

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Monday, April 21, 2008

open my eyes

my eyes see nothing but dreary walls and soiled sheets, dirty green curtains and blood-stained needles. the faces i pass are sallow, wrinkled. the eyes that meet mine are fraught with anxiety, uncertainty and expressing every desire to be anywhere but there. my eyes see nothing but my clumsy hands and frazzled mind, trying to maneuver my way around diseased bodies, hoping to one day be a comfort rather than a nuisance to those who need care. but my eyes don't see it now.

"if my heart has grown cold, there Your love will unfold
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hands
when i'm blind to my way, there Your spirit will pray
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hands
present suffering may pass, Lord Your mercy will last
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
and my heart will find praise, i’ll delight in Your way
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand"
- from "oceans will part" by hillsongs


my eyes don't see it now, Lord. i see what i cannot do and am blind to what You can. i am focused on the death and the stench, not to the life You impart through my inexperienced smile. i really don't see it now. open my eyes, Lord, to the work of Your hands.

lishun at 11:24 PM

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Saturday, April 19, 2008

debilitating

i couldn't even look you in the eye or smile at you. i couldn't open my mouth to ask the question that's been on my mind. i couldn't offer to help you. all i could do was watch as you spoke to friends who were more approachable. you probably think i'm an arrogant twat. in the past i would have wondered what was wrong with you. now, i know it's more a question of what's wrong with me. it's debilitating. i need to stop being so damn shy. but that's not possible when what fills my mind now is how i'm inadequate in this or that area. i really wish i could talk to you, get to know you, lend you a hand, maybe even learn something from you. but i can't. this kinda sucks.

---

on a brighter note, i did a couple of things i haven't done in awhile. i had coffee by myself. i watched a perplexing foreign film. i browsed a book store. i tried on clothes i'll never buy. there was no need to layan anyone, not for a couple of hours anyway. it was good. maybe it's not the shyness that's debilitating, but the pressure to not be shy. perhaps i am just an antisocial twit who will never work up the courage to do anything worthwhile, maybe i'll just have to pay for it the rest of my life. i dunno. ok fine that still kinda sucks.

lishun at 10:51 PM

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coffee bean vs library

coffee bean
pros: lovely coffee at my disposal, aircon, wireless, less chance of me falling asleep hence humiliating myself

cons: >RM10 per dose of caffeine, need to lug huge textbook there, endless opportunities to wind up watching youtube instead of studying, possible chance of me ditching the books and going shopping instead.

library
pros: i can just stay there till it's time for church, aircon, wireless, all sorts of books within reach

cons: huge huge chance of me falling asleep, no readily available food & coffee, boredom

---

choices, choices. sigh.

lishun at 10:51 AM

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

boost

i received a confidence boost today, however undeserved it felt. just in time, too, for my mini exam which will commence in roughly 7 hours. i still feel more than a little worse than usual and i am craving the mango frozen yoghurt from bangsar, but it's good to know i'm doing something right. maybe i won't kill as many patients as i previously thought.

*edit: correction - maybe i will. i barely passed today, with my compassion and clinical judgment saving me from failure, and the fact that a batchmate did very well means i am heading for trouble. not the best feeling in the world. attitude can only make up for my lack of aptitude for so long.

lishun at 1:11 AM

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Sunday, April 13, 2008

quarter-life crisis

according to the most reliable source of information in the world, wikipedia, i am in a quarter-life crisis.

i'm 23, unemployed, not in a relationship, reevaluating my dreams, and feeling like a dork because my best friend is applying for travel scholarships and elective periods with ivy league institutions and going for mission trips all over the world while i am carelessly leaving my beloved stethoscope in the lecture theatre and worrying that i won't get it back in time for my exam tomorrow.

right now, i feel like i am in a "once bitten, twice shy" position. last year, i took on a huge project that had fabulous returns and will no doubt look great on my resume, but it sucked the life out of me. then, i decided to pursue my interest in publication and the end result was wonderful, but it cost me my grades. i put alot of effort into building people up last year and i praise God that He has made it not in vain, but somewhere i lost myself in the process.

all that has taught me that it is impossible to balance what i want with the requirements of the world. there is one or the other. do i then withdraw from either?

perhaps i've lost the ability to juggle things as the demands of medical school are increasing. i'm finding it hard to minister to people when i myself am almost sapped dry. i can't run after my original desire to write articles when studying and keeping up is taking up so much of my energy. each disappointed look and lecture from a consultant makes me want to give up every aspect of service i'm doing in church, at home. i no longer think the time spent in reading non-medical material and looking for good angles to comment on is worth it.

every minute i spend on myself is undeserved. i feel like i have no right to whine and have only the duty to plough on either mindlessly or with foolish faith, depending on what you believe.

last week i wrote about becoming a people-pleaser. last night, i sang about only aiming to please God. at this point, thinking about the future ahead and the horrible example of a life i am living now, i seriously don't know what that is anymore.

"but seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
- matt 6:33-34 (kjv)


i know that verse by heart, but i almost feel like i am believing in it blindly, without an inkling as to where God's kingdom is in my life. i don't even know what "all these things" are. the evil of each day is more than i am able to face, or even want to face.

i'm not going to label my life according to the worldly definition of a quarter-life crisis, but it sure comes close to whatever disillusionment i am dealing with. still, if God has overcome the world, then surely i can make it through with Him, recover what's been lost, and get back on track...however unlikely it seems at the moment.

sigh.

lishun at 10:18 AM

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Friday, April 11, 2008

Thou art



there are a couple of things that make me happy when i am less than enthusiastic about this thing called "life", like how i currently am. among those things is a reminder of how great my God is and how privileged we are to be loved by Him. not many things can shrink the matters of the world and fill me with a sense of wonder as does the realisation that the Lord is my shepherd, my peace, my hope.

it hasn't been a very good week and i feel both spiritually detatched and drained. i hardly opened up my bible besides to send other people verses of encouragement because i felt unworthy of God's word to be spoken into my life.

but just this afternoon, i came across the lyrics of an old hymn that a swedish man, carl gustav boberg, wrote after walking through a thunderstorm.

"O Lord my God, when i in awesome wonder
consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made
i see the stars, i hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee
how great Thou art, how great Thou art
then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee
how great Thou art, how great Thou art!"


how great Thou art, Lord, to have made us. so complicated, beautiful, prone to sin and temptation, yet loved by You. how great Thou art, to leave a part of Yourself in all creation, but to save the best of Your image in us. it breaks my heart to learn about the disease and trials that ravage us, the consequences of our sins and the sins of our fathers...yet even then the nature of Your love is evident in the broken bodies and frail spirits i see in the wards or experience in myself.

there are thunderstorms each and every day, but my soul will sing "how great Thou art!"

lishun at 5:47 PM

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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

i'll be barack

this gave me a much-needed laugh today:



it's still a long, long week ahead. sigh.

lishun at 5:41 PM

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Saturday, April 05, 2008

spotlight

there just isn't anything that i want so badly that i am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it.

does contentment equal a loss of ambition? i no longer remember what mine are. i've become the people-pleaser i swore i wouldn't be - i just don't want anything for myself. i'm mediocre. i have no passion for anything. i feel tired. i don't see the point of trying anymore. after all, people get by just being average.

so why bother?

i've been overestimated by everyone, including myself. i started striving to live up to those expectations so early that now i am near a burnout. i should have never yearned for the spotlight. now it won't leave me alone.

i don't deserve it. i don't want it. i don't need it.

lishun at 11:33 PM

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Thursday, April 03, 2008

need to run

i need to run. i cannot take it anymore. i need need need to run. ruuuuuun. run run run run run. aargh. aargh. i need to runnnnnnnnn!

lishun at 5:55 PM

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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

if

"once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. but now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation - if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel."
- col 1:21-23


alienated from God. enemies in your minds.

reconciled. holy in His sight. free from accusation.

IF...

faith, established and firm. not moved. hope.

---

the "if" does not refer to the reconciliation. that was given free, no strings attached. there's no danger of it ever being repossessed or taken away.

it refers to the liberation from accusations, the lies that attack us at our weakest point during our most vulnerable state. we'll have victory over them if we continue, are established and firm, immovable from the hope we have in Jesus.

and part of that hope is in His word and His teachings. as disciples, we obey. we question, we seek, and yet in the end, we lay down our nets and follow Him.

---

it still remains a reminder to myself, more than a chastisement towards anyone else.

He doesn't give me strength, He gives me opportunities to draw on His strength. He doesn't give me grace, He gives me opportunities to look to Him for grace.

the willingness to set my pride aside and walk past my enemies in my mind, the desire to see what He has to say and then to obey...it takes established and firm faith, the kind of faith that Jesus has promised will be the key to reconciliation and victory from the devil's schemes.

and it's the opportunities He gives to exercise faith that keep me going.

lishun at 10:13 PM

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