Saturday, May 31, 2008

that's when

when there's a great gig. when the room's uncomfortably quiet. when all i want is a great meal at a new place i found out about from some random blog. when i get a sudden empty feeling in my gut.

that's when i look for worldly substitutes to fill the God-shaped void in my life.

that's when i try and do it my way.

that's when i realise that His way is still the best way.

even if it means more waiting.

it gets lonely. i get impatient. but who says faith is easy?

lishun at 11:54 PM

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

time for bed

invisible arms hold me tonight, wrapping my shoulders in their warmth. i lean back into nothing and savour the moment. it feels strange to find security in a figment of my imagination, comfort in oft-quoted words. but it confuses my senses because there is no physical proof that anyone is there, ready to catch me, love me. perhaps it's the loneliness of the fast-approaching midnight. maybe the coffee is wearing off. i hear my mystery companion whisper silence past my cheek. it's probably time for bed.

lishun at 11:38 PM

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Monday, May 26, 2008

you keep me coming back for more



there are some things that are impossible to ignore - the spicy aroma of chicken curry simmering in the kitchen, the tenderness in a mother's voice, the passion in a poet's words, and the chemistry between friends or lovers; people who are meant to be involved in each other's lives.

that is the only way to describe the electricity between maroon 5 and 'it' girl rihanna in their collaboration on the track "if i never see your face again", off maroon 5's latest album "it won't be soon before long".

drawing from the same energy that fueled the success of their debut effort, "songs about jane", maroon 5 has added a sexier, pop-laced edge to their long-awaited record and has turned up the temperature with rihanna's presence on the new single.

it is hardly surprising how well the combination has worked. rihanna is best known for the excitement she brings with every song and every music video while maroon 5 are perhaps most (in)famously associated with less-than-demure visual interpretations of their songs, which largely deal with the drama that ensues in relationships.

the explosive energy in the coming together of these two mega acts has resulted in a record that should definitely not be missed. like the appeal of a lips and tongue burning curry, it can only keep you coming back for more.

(yes i know the similes are vomit-inducing cheesy, but i want the cd okay? lol)

answers:
1. who is the lead singer of maroon 5?: adam levine
2. what was maroon 5's original name?: kara's flower
3. name the guest singer in "if i never see your face again": rihanna

lishun at 9:04 PM

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Saturday, May 24, 2008

what's cookin'?



sigh. david cook. the macho rocker beats out disney channel boy. the world is back in its natural order again. and we can breathe. aah. =)

lishun at 10:36 AM

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Friday, May 23, 2008

deception

maybe i sleep in the day because the night sends unspeakable horrors that tease my tired mind. when i wake, they fool me into believing i have rested, only to bring the curtains of slumber across my eyes when the air grows heavy and a single voice drones in the background. those stolen moments bring me the anxiety that continues to haunt me through the day and into the night, growing into the monsters that invade my dreams.

maybe i sleep in the day because i dare only to be vulnerable in the dark. the demons see my defenses fall and swoop in to capture my thoughts. perhaps my nights are fitful. they do not allow me peace. yet the morning greets me with ignorance and a false assurance that i was indeed granted rest in the night.

it doesn't matter. i sleep in the day and dread the nights. the deception continues.

lishun at 8:32 PM

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Sunday, May 18, 2008

no more drews

"i bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
and she's got everything that i have to live without
he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
he's the time taken up and it's never enough
and he's all that i need to fall into"
- from teardrops on my guitar by taylor swift

if i were 16 and could play the guitar, i'd have probably written something like taylor swift's "teardrops on my guitar". but the years have passed by faster than i expected and i am no more musically-inclined than i originally was. there will never be another "drew" to write songs and poems about, to cry over and waste my time on. life's too short and i've got things to do.

perhaps this is the part about growing up that i like most - to be able to listen to over-played songs like the one above and laugh at the childishness of it all.

cynicism isn't a defence mechanism, it is a point in the direction of how things really are.

lishun at 12:44 PM

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Saturday, May 17, 2008

syukur

his name is a play on the word "syukur", meaning "thanks be to God".

his mother had dangerously high blood pressure during her 32nd week of pregnancy (pre-eclampsia, for you medics) and he was delivered via caesarian section. "i've heard of how doctors always show babies to their mothers once they're born," she said, "i knew there was something wrong when they didn't let me see my son."

he was taken to 3 separate wards in the days following his birth, whipping his mother into a frenzy in the search for her child. she got nothing but vague responses when she queried his whereabouts. she knew things weren't right, but she had no answers.

when she finally got to see her baby, she was told he had cerebral palsy.

that was 18 years ago.

since then, she moved back to her hometown. she and her husband decided that it would be best if she worked and he stayed home to look after their gift from God. they brought him everywhere - to weddings, funerals, offices, shopping malls. they felt he needed the exposure and made it a point that they were not ashamed of their child.

"he is very sensitive to sounds," said the proud mother, while her son was strapped onto a contraption that allowed him to stand and relax his flexed muscles. "i'm sure if he were normal, he'd have become a sound engineer."

while the physiotherapist worked nearby, using various tools to exercise his coordination skills, his mother recounted the instances where his powers of observation surprised even his parents. there was a tinge of regret as she spoke of how he's closer to her husband because he's the main caregiver, but there was no denying her love and devotion for her one and only child.

"the doctor actually apologised and told me that he should have given my baby oxygen sooner instead of placing him in the normal ward for neonates," she said with bitterness in her eyes. "it was like a tailor expressing his regret for wasting cloth because he made a wrong cut. but a tailor could alter the clothes he made. who could repair my child?" she continued, "quicker thinking could have saved my baby from this fate."

i was both saddened and encouraged by her story.

although there are still doubts as to what causes cerebral palsy, delay in giving oxygen to a premature child is among the postulated theories. of course it could very well be multi-factorial, but this story serves as a reminder that i will need to be constantly vigilant in performing my duties as a doctor in the future. there is no excuse for incompetency, there is very little room for error. i could deprive a person of his future as a sound engineer.

however, the healthcare staff were not the only ones who had a hand in altering the course of his life. his parents' decision to treat him as a gift rather than a curse has granted him as normal a life as he could possibly have. he enjoys riding in the elevator, he teases his physiotherapist, and he looks forward to sessions at the clinic because it means going for breakfast at his favourite coffee shop afterwards. it was uplifting to know that he is loved and cared for with such devotion.

there is no doubt his parents must have had some tough times during those 18 years. decisions to make, money to spend, family to face. parents of children with disabilities often experience frustration and exhaustion; frustration that their child cannot develop normally and cannot do the things other kids can do, exhaustion that they have to invest so much energy into caring for their child. let's not forget the financial burden of seeing multiple specialists, trying alternative treatments and therapy sessions.

but i am so glad they chose to say "syukur" for their child. i wonder if he knows how blessed he is to have parents who are so willing to love him.

lishun at 9:49 AM

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

a weight-y issue

when your ankles protest in pain after barely a kilometer although they once served you well for 10, it's time to address a weight-y issue. literally.

i am not happy about this.

11km next sunday.

aargh. aargh.

lishun at 6:55 PM

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Monday, May 12, 2008

just a little bit

i wonder what it's like to promise to do something for someone and then promptly not do it - without prior notice, without subsequent apology. as if it never happened. as if the promise did not exist. i wonder how anyone could sleep at night after doing that to a friend.

well, at least now i know just the person to ask.

jerk.

---

he kept taking showers. his family was puzzled by his behaviour and asked him what was going on. "my younger brother's coming to visit me," he said, "i have to be ready when he comes."

the maid who looked after him during the final days of his life found a family picture lying around the house while preparing for his funeral. "that's her", she said, pointing out an elderly lady in the photograph. "that ah ma came to visit him one day. she asked me to be quiet because he was sleeping. she said she just wanted to see how he was doing."

never mind his brother passed away a couple of years ago. never mind the woman in the photograph was my grandmother.

he died last friday knowing who would be greeting him on the other side.

---

his eyes burned with bitter memories as i showed him the articles in the newspapers. "reconciliation?" he snorted, "what we need is for the people to stop opening old wounds and let the incident die on its own!"

he was a young man, newlywed, when the racially-fueled riots broke out 39 years ago. he was a primary school teacher in kl, doing his best to support his family with whatever meager salary his diploma could earn. he and his wife knew full well the consequences of that fateful day. they lived through every day of the emergency. they saw with their own eyes what it was like.

he wasn't about to let some punk of a journalist tell him that it's better to seek the truth than allow time its natural course.

i almost agree with him. most flesh wounds need to be left alone - un-picked-at, undisturbed - in order to heal satisfactorily. even deep injuries, after the necessary interventions, close up in time. how much more so the psychological wounds left in the lives of those who experienced may 13 up close and personal?

more than half the malaysian population was born after 1969. we are fast approaching a time when none of the country's leaders would have first-hand knowledge of what really happened.

perhaps only then will the hurts be left to die and a common desire for unity will prevail.

---

round one to the red devils. =)

lishun at 8:42 PM

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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

single best answer

lishun is a 3rd year medical student who will undergo a 2-month-long elective period between march-may 2009. she has a wide range of interests and her family's consent to pursue whatever she would like to do during those 2 months. at the end of the 2 months, lishun should:

(a) have 4 articles published in the local newspaper.
(b) know everything about the american health system.
(c) be able to fake a convincing australian accent.
(d) be familiar with the nooks and crannies of queen elizabeth hospital, kk.
(e) impress future employers with her work as a volunteer.

---

the above is an example of a question where every option is correct, but only one is the most accurate. you know, one of those questions where you're bound to get screwed no matter what answer you shade into the optical answer sheet.

i feel like i'm in a nightmare exam right now. one would think 2 months to do as i please would be a source of joy rather than a reason to down more paracetamol. aargh. aargh.

lishun at 9:34 PM

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Monday, May 05, 2008

murphy's law

you know that cheeky imp murphy is at work when you endured an almost sleepless night because it's so hot you can feel your brains slow-cooking in you cranium...only to wake up in the morning to the sound of rain, 45 minutes before you have to walk to the clinic for classes.

nothing spells "bad day" like an enforcement of murphy's law first thing in the morning, eh?

lishun at 7:29 AM

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Friday, May 02, 2008

all that matters

it makes no sense, but i wish i had a part to play in breaking his heart. at least, then, i'd know i meant something to him. however, as it often is, i am alot less significant than i imagine myself to be. it's a good thing that i've gotten used to it. it's an even better thing that i know i am significant to God. that's probably all that matters, really.

lishun at 12:01 AM

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Thursday, May 01, 2008

open the door

"here I am! I stand at the door and knock. ff anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with Me."
- revelation 3:20

you think you're the only one who understands or truly feels what's going on. you don't like talking about your problems to other people because that would constitute whining. you let things fester in your heart until they become a poisonous mass. you shut God out of your life because of shame, guilt, feelings of worthlessness. you succumb to sin when you take off the armour of God and put on the shabby clothes of the world. you let yourself be tossed and turned because you have rejected God's anchoring love.

and yet there's the invitation to your lukewarm heart. hear My voice and open the door.

it's not possible for me to describe how sorry i am for how i've behaved for the last couple of weeks. i chose to shrug off His protection instead of embracing it wholeheartedly. what i do or think in secret is not hidden from Him. i heard His voice but i did not open the door.

i believe that king david knew he sinned when he coveted bathsheba as he watched her bathing from the roof. i have no doubt that he, a man who had a personal bond with God, knew that his actions were wrong. even before the prophet nathan spoke to him, king david knew. he just chose to feign ignorance and acted according to his own judgement.

but once he acknowledged his sin, he repented and said:

"have mercy upon me, O God, according to Thy lovingkindness. wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. for i acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. against Thee, Thee only, have i sinned, and done this evil in Thy sight.create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, Thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of Thy righteousness. the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise."
- from psalm 51

he didn't just ask for forgiveness and mercy - he asked to be changed, inside out. he asked God to create a new, clean heart and spirit. he asked for his old self, broken by God's revelation, to be throughly cleansed. he knew that God valued the surrendering of his life more than the aesthetics of how he lived.

david opened the door and let God in. it's my turn to do the same.

lishun at 10:14 AM

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