Friday, May 23, 2003

being judged

i seriously don't care who reads this or who cares. i guess i'm just not very good at putting things verbally, but am more of a writing kind of person.

i'm sure everyone's been judged one time or another. i myself have been guilty of passing judgements on people by the way they look, talk or even how they shake my hand. i'm also used to being dismissed as unfriendly, aloof and a totally hateable person at first sight.

and it's never bothered me, not until now.

yesterday, i had to go for some mass dance thingamajig which i wish i never took part in in the first place. we had to do some partner dance thing, and i was naturally paired with the tallest guy there.

but the way he looked at me, and the way this faint expression of disgust spread across his face, like he was thinking, "urgh, you're not pretty enough to dance with me". what resulted was, he was so reluctant to be my partner that he actually was "scuffling" with some other guy and in the end i partnered my classmate who's my height and it was rather difficult to dance cuz he just wasn't tall enough.

now, like i said, i'm used to it all. i've been teased all my life, and the fact that i was an obese kid, am still big-framed and always will be, and am not exactly zhang ziyi didn't help. i know i'm not physically attractive, no matter what my mum and her friends say (come on...your mum would think you're beautiful no matter what, and her friends would have to agree, no?) but is it that necessary to judge me that way? through my whatever few experiences in my 18 years of life, i've somewhat known that it doesn't pay to judge someone by the way they look. although i've done it before (i'm only human), never have i made it so obvious like that guy did yesterday.

i really do not know why i'm being so sensitive now, but i guess it's cuz it's not that none of those comments ever stuck me as hard as this unspoken statement did, but because it's only now that i'm choosing to acknowledge it.

it hurts. and i've been hurt so many times. maybe that's also why i try so hard to never treat anyone that way.

i've always known i'm not pretty and i probably will never get any prettier. but i know that i have friends and family who like me sincerely and, to be totally honest, that's the only thing that my self-confidence depends on. for me, an "ugly-at-first-sight" person, to even have people to call my friends in the first place must mean that there's something good they see in me, that i myself can't really comprehend.

to my dear friends and family at home and away, do know that i'm not being sappy when i say that my self-confidence totally depends on the love and care you have shown to me. and i thank you for it all.

and to that guy...i hope you grow up.

lishun at 8:29 PM

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