Monday, February 16, 2004

to speak

have you ever felt like there was no longer any hope in your life? when you have been so consumed by the things going around in your life that you have not been able to think about anything else? when it seems that all the world can do is talk and nothing can really be done?

being a person that people come and talk to has made me realise that talking is equivalent to absolutely nothing. although i know that by lending an ear to those who need it, they can let go and even feel much better about it, the end result of it all is that nothing had been done. i can't go and make that girl recipocrate your feelings. i can't go and convince your family that you should be allowed to pursue the course you like instead of what they want you to do. it's all out of my control. i can't do anything.

which is why i hardly seek counsel from anyone other than myself. i know that whatever situation i am in cannot be changed. and yet, i demand change. when i speak to someone about my problems, i expect that person to go all out to help me, so that by the time i open my tear-swollen eyes the next morning, whatever it was that was consuming me would be gone.

but of course, that is impossible. so, rather than let myself down by talking and not getting the action i expect, i clam up and drown myself with the practical advice that i have been hearing from myself since i developed the ability to think for myself.

it didn't work this time tho. IT was overwhelming me. although IT only began a few weeks ago, IT grew and grew, so much so that IT was the one and only thing i could think about. the one thing that was consuming me, eating me up, breaking down whatever courage i previously had.

and i cracked. i broke the rules i set for myself about talking, and spoke to a teacher. the very next day, i lied about being sick just so i could go back to the hostel, with an empty room to welcome me. and i collapsed on the bed and just cried. it disgusted me that i had to lie to have time for myself to grieve over IT, while knowing full well that i could not change the situation, that my teacher could not change the situation. and my mother, whom for the first time i called for a reason other than wishing her a happy birthday during the past year in singapore, could not do anything for me either.

the guilt was so immense. by speaking, all i did was to deprive her of sleep for one night. by speaking, all i did was let the teachers see my vulnerability. and in the end, nothing was done.

i'm not the kind to speak about my problems. and after this, i doubt even more so that i ever will again.

lishun at 11:49 AM

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