Saturday, December 23, 2006

selfish?

i love my family very very much, but i just somehow can't talk to them.

in the last week, a couple of people have talked to me a little about things they were going through. one of them told me that he asked for his brother's advice about relationships. another recounted a conversation she had with her mother about female hygiene. they could just talk to their siblings and their parents openly about anything they wanted to, and their family would respond with wisdom and support.

i envy that.

don't get me wrong. my parents are very open-minded for a couple of people who grew up in the 1950s. my mother tells me stories about the silly things she used to do when she was younger and my father would rather i be happy than have a successful, stable job that i loathe. they're not the kind of parents who forget what it's like to be young and stupid and hence come across as tight-arsed adults who have never had a day of fun in their lives.

they've often told my sister and i that it's okay to talk to them about anything we wanted to talk about. my sister took them up on that offer; they probably know more about her office politics than they know about the people i hang out with in imu.

i just find it hard to share my trivial problems and worries with the two people i adored as a kid, feared as a teenager, and respect now as adults who have the kind of life experiences i should learn from. it's so ridiculous to burden them with the little struggles i face each day. yet, i can't help but feel i'm just being really mean by pushing away the people that love me most.

in my second year of college, i went through a tough patch where i had to confront my demons of low self-esteem, warped body image and my stubborn way of wanting to deal with everything all on my own. i kept it up for a couple of weeks before breaking down, telling a teacher and calling my mother. as a result, my mother didn't sleep for 2 days, worrying about how i was coping and whether or not i was getting any help from my teachers.

although telling my parents helped a whole lot, i felt guilty for ages afterwards for putting my mother through all that worry and those sleepless nights. what kind of child would let their mother suffer like that? over something stupid too?

i would much rather have a communication-less but unspoken love-filled relationship with my family if it means keeping them out of the trivial worries of my life. or am i actually being selfish by doing that?

lishun at 5:07 PM

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