Wednesday, October 03, 2007

sick sound

"we're always behind this metal and glass. i think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."
- detective graham waters from "crash"

"my father told me that if you hit something, there will be a sound," she said, in what i could only interpret as a word of comfort as she backed her car into the parking space. there wasn't a sound. the car fit flawlessly between the yellow lines.

i recalled the countless times i've driven down the highways to and from class, the same route every day, changing lanes at the exact same points, making the same turns. each trip was mind-numbing. i have often zoned out while on the road, finally understanding what my friend meant when she told me that when she drives, she switches to auto-pilot while her mind wanders at its own pleasure.

there were occasions when i found myself wondering what it would be like to really hit the divider or brush another person's car or run over a cat. anything to signify some kind of contact with the world outside the box of metal and glass that i was in. something to recall my dulled senses from their hiding places.

when i literally drove into a pillar today, the crunch of the car's body against concrete was a sick sound to my ears, a rush of adrenaline through my blood, a burst of impulses in my brain. it was a kind of exhilaration that quickly died out when i thought about having to tell my parents, but it was what put me into a state of madness of trying to knock the metal back in place with my fists, convinced that i could make it go away.

how did it come to this? i am on the other extreme of my bored generation - with heightened sensitivity, finding thrill in the smallest instances that deviate from what i know as a normal life. so much for older folks' complaints that the young 'uns have our senses dulled from over-stimulation, too much entertainment. i found excitement in a momentary lapse of concentration and the sick sound of contact with what could hurt me.

maybe it's just me, or the fact that i am nodding off as i struggle to finish this post, but there's something wrong with that picture, a hint of incongruence. maybe it's just me.

lishun at 12:16 AM