Friday, October 17, 2003

i have never cried

i have never cried because of school results. i have never cried because i didn't get the birthday present i wanted. i have never cried because my parents wouldn't let me go out, or because i fell, or when i left home.

of all the times i've shed a tear, it's almost always been because of words.

in primary 5, i had a huge fall from my bicycle, which left a gaping wound on the side of my right wound. the sight of my flesh almost dropping out of the wound terrified me, but what hurt more was my uncle, who branded me a "crybaby" and that the wound was "nothing much to be upset about". even today, as i look at the huge scar left on my right foot, i still think about my uncle's declaration on my lack of courage.

in primary 6, i played truant and skipped my POL chinese lesson in school. it was not the first time i did it, not the second, but the only time my mother found out. as she hit me for the first time, i cried not because of the pain, but because she said those words that i dread to hear again, "i am so disappointed in you."

in form 2, when i was shamed in front of all the prize reciepients in school by mrs aw yeang for not wearing my tie properly, it wasn't so much the embarrassment that caused me to tear up, but because she called me, unjustly, "a disgrace to the prefects' board". a comment i always carried with me, even when i was eventually installed as head prefect.

in form 3, as i was chosen, along with wai yee, to be a company leader for guides, my world shattered when i heard from another friend that a friend of mine had been backstabbing me for some time. the worst thing was, she kept up her act for so long. i felt as if i could never trust anyone again. and i guess i never did trust anyone completely ever again.

this year, i was treated to a triple blow. three girls, of whom i genuinely liked, trusted, admired...two of them openly showed their dislike of me while the other used to backstab me.

to tell you the truth...i wish i never knew. or rather, i wish i never sought confirmation to my suspicions. if only i never knew. i'd still be able to act normally around them. i wouldn't be so self-conscious about what i had to say.

would this offend them? if i said this, would they hate me more? what have i done to make them hate me? in what way have i sinned against them? have i done them wrong? is it my fault? is it their fault?

disappointment turned to hurt, hurt to anger, anger to something i can hardly contain.

i cried almost the whole night last night. the last of the three girls to reveal their hate towards me stuck me the hardest. up till now, i've been able to contain the negative feelings about all the others that have hurt me, but last night, it felt like the dam has finally burst.

i spent the night thinking what was wrong with me. what is it that i have done to make people hate me.

is it because they think i'm fake? i've always tried my best to be sincere, tried to cut down on the sarcasm, tried to be genuine.

is it because they think i'm cocky? this puzzles me, as i've always lived by my mother's word: be humble. always. like nelson mandela, be humble. but the reaction i get from her is as though it's wrong for me to be happy over my results. as if it's almost a sin to be proud of my achievements.

is it because i'm not too tactful? i try, i do, i try! and when i fail, it has never been intentional. if i'd hurt her feelings, i'm sorry. but i'll never know if she never tells me.

is it because...is it because...?

i'm often berated because i care too much about what people think about me, but that's just me. if i come across as trying too hard, it's because i am trying. all i ever want is positive reactions to my words, my work, my feelings, me.

and it just kills me enough to make me cry, when people feel that i hurt them on purpose, that i smile when i achieve good grades just to scorn them, that i'm giving them sympathy when i'm just plain lousy at comforting sad souls. it's not a look of sympathy you're getting...it's a look of shock and puzzlement.

i don't know why i care so much. all i know is i do. and it hurts when people hate me because of it.

lishun at 9:42 AM

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