Thursday, July 10, 2003

taking risks

the entire nation was thrown into grief two nights ago upon receiving the news of the death of the iranian siamese twins ladan and laleh, who were joined at the head. they passed away from severe loss of blood not long after being separated, after a long and risky operation.

the death of the twins caused me complex feelings. on one hand, i was shocked. on the other, i felt as if i knew it was coming. shocked, maybe because the team of surgeons behind the operation were world-class experts, and singaporean dr keith goh was part of the team that successfully separated the nepalese twins one or two years ago ( i can't exactly recall). but then, i guess i also kind of felt it coming because it was a 50-50 chance. they shared a major vein. we were dealing with the human brain here.

anyway, i was also prompted to think about how brave those two women were to even consider taking the risk. i wondered if i would ever be able to take such risks myself.

of course, i'm not talking literally. i do not share a main vein in the brain with my twin. i don't even have a twin, for that matter. i was thinking about whether i was, am, will be willing to take risks in life. whether i would be able to close my eyes and take the leap of faith. whether i would be able to put all my trust in God and "just do it".

unfortunately, the answer came back as "no". i've always told myself that, should i actually make it to med school, make it through med school, and survive my initial years as a brand-new medical graduate, i will never, ever specialise in neurology, whether it be neurosurgery or whatever. why? far too risky. i'm not prepared to put either the life of my patients, or my own reputation at stake.

i've also told myself that i would never skydive. not even when i hit my midlife crisis and my husband is off chasing his hot secretary who's half his age and my best friend has splurged on a fiery-red ferrari. i would also never go on the sky flyer at sunway lagoon. nuh-uh. no way.

taking risks is just not my thing i guess. sure, it'll make my life more interesting, but who needs change? i certainly do not like change, although the ability to adapt is one of my strongest points.

i don't think i'll miss out on much either, but not taking risks. maybe i would have missed out on the chance to double my money if i had put 50 bucks on the red 8 at roulette, or maybe some handsome young stranger would be around to catch me when i land from my skydive, but do i really care?

i know that this is not the correct attitude, that sometimes there are fabulous rewards waiting for me on the other side of the crevice, but right now, i'm content to be in a rut. a rut is a good place to be.

and a rut is where i'll stay...for now.

lishun at 7:23 PM

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