Thursday, October 04, 2007

7 years ago

"when choosing what you want to watch, ask yourself: would you regret the scenes replaying in your head?"
- notes from sound generation by joshua liong

i can recall that night as vividly as if it were yesterday. it was a birthday party. we had just had brownies and icecream and we played a round of pictionary. it was getting late and most of us were waiting for our parents to pick us up.

then, she suggested we watch a movie. it'll be good, she promised, i'll forward it to the good bits. she played the vcd and skipped a couple of scenes. wait for it, she said. you won't regret this.

come to think of it, i remember feeling extremely weird throughout the entire time we were watching the movie. something in me told me to walk away, but something else kept me transfixed. it was for just a couple of minutes before the transportation arrived and i had to leave, but those few moments kept me bound for a good many years.

i was 15 at the time. i was definitely less than innocent by then, but i was certainly stupid enough to think i left her house unaffected by what i saw that night. 7 years on, i have gone through enough to believe it completely when he said that what we see is literally imprinted in brain tissue, in our memories, to be dug up time and time again when the right stimulus comes along.

it took alot of prayer, breaking of pride, tear-filled nights and resisting to get where i am now, and even then i know it's still not over. the need to deceive the world and myself while aching with the grief of the holy spirit...because of what? those few minutes at a birthday party with a bunch of teens in front of a flickering screen in a dark room?

she was wrong. i regretted it for a long, long time.

"you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's." - 1cor6:20
"Jesus said to her, “neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." - john8:11

lishun at 10:58 PM