Saturday, April 26, 2008


"so how would you rank your priorities?" she asked the class. "how would you arrange God, family, self and work in order of priority?"

the class mumbled a couple of answers. it was a bible study class held in church - there was no way anyone would put anything other than God first. God family self work. God self family work. God family work self. God work family self.

"you see," she continued, "if we lived like that, according to what we put first, it would result in alot of problems. it could cause alot of pain. instead, make God the centre of your life - everything else is peripheral to Him. that means, none of the others is more important than the other. in the end, it all still links back to Him."


my weekends are crazily hectic and laden with guilt most of the time. i finish class at 5pm on fridays and rush back to kl for life group at 6pm. if i stay for dinner, it's only 10pm that i reach home, just in time to wish my parents good night and head off to bed.

the next day, depending on what happens, i am out of the house for more than 6 hours - for church, for meeting up with people before church, for whatever happens after church. i have missed countless suppers and offended countless people in the rush to get home as early as possible to avoid upsetting my parents.

sundays, thank God, are usually eventless and i spend it ironing my clothes, watching csi...just making sure that i am physically at home so my parents are happy.


i thought about what she said about God being the centre and everything else being a "supplement" while driving home tonight.

i was running late because of a birthday celebration and some minor complications with arranging transportation and the main thing on my mind was "they're not going to be pleased with me reaching home almost 11pm...i sure hope dad has gone to sleep." in addition to that, i angry at myself for losing my patience earlier when everyone seemed to take the supper arrangements for granted. it really wasn't big enough a deal to warrant me losing my head, but it was annoying all the same.

and it made me think: how could there possibly be a middle ground between my duties at home and my responsibilities at church, to God? the example given during the bible study class was "what's stopping you from bringing your family to church?" um, i dunno, the fact that they told me directly to neither evangelise nor even suggest church to them? besides, if i end up spending the only time i get to spend at home these days at the very place they refuse to does that bode well for me as to how i behave as a christian in my home?

there's a reason why my parents keep hearing stories of their friends' children "abandoning" the family for church commitments, neglecting to support them financially because their children think tithing is more important, and other complaints of the sort.


anyway, out of all the things that were said in the class, i agree most with what she said about there being alot of pain and guilt if we handle the important things in life as a priority issue instead of putting God as the focus of it all.

right now, i feel nothing but guilt in having to "choose", every weekend, as to whether i am going to spend most of my time in church or at home. i feel guilty about missing church stuff or being late for meetings when i'm with my family. i feel guilty for not being more at home when i'm serving at church.

but as long as i am struggling with this, i really can't see how my family can be equally among the other things surrounding God.

it's not a happy place to be in. i will run out of reasons and explanations very soon. i will probably run out of patience too. Yesus...apa macam ni?!

lishun at 11:23 PM