Sunday, April 13, 2008

quarter-life crisis

according to the most reliable source of information in the world, wikipedia, i am in a quarter-life crisis.

i'm 23, unemployed, not in a relationship, reevaluating my dreams, and feeling like a dork because my best friend is applying for travel scholarships and elective periods with ivy league institutions and going for mission trips all over the world while i am carelessly leaving my beloved stethoscope in the lecture theatre and worrying that i won't get it back in time for my exam tomorrow.

right now, i feel like i am in a "once bitten, twice shy" position. last year, i took on a huge project that had fabulous returns and will no doubt look great on my resume, but it sucked the life out of me. then, i decided to pursue my interest in publication and the end result was wonderful, but it cost me my grades. i put alot of effort into building people up last year and i praise God that He has made it not in vain, but somewhere i lost myself in the process.

all that has taught me that it is impossible to balance what i want with the requirements of the world. there is one or the other. do i then withdraw from either?

perhaps i've lost the ability to juggle things as the demands of medical school are increasing. i'm finding it hard to minister to people when i myself am almost sapped dry. i can't run after my original desire to write articles when studying and keeping up is taking up so much of my energy. each disappointed look and lecture from a consultant makes me want to give up every aspect of service i'm doing in church, at home. i no longer think the time spent in reading non-medical material and looking for good angles to comment on is worth it.

every minute i spend on myself is undeserved. i feel like i have no right to whine and have only the duty to plough on either mindlessly or with foolish faith, depending on what you believe.

last week i wrote about becoming a people-pleaser. last night, i sang about only aiming to please God. at this point, thinking about the future ahead and the horrible example of a life i am living now, i seriously don't know what that is anymore.

"but seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
- matt 6:33-34 (kjv)

i know that verse by heart, but i almost feel like i am believing in it blindly, without an inkling as to where God's kingdom is in my life. i don't even know what "all these things" are. the evil of each day is more than i am able to face, or even want to face.

i'm not going to label my life according to the worldly definition of a quarter-life crisis, but it sure comes close to whatever disillusionment i am dealing with. still, if God has overcome the world, then surely i can make it through with Him, recover what's been lost, and get back on track...however unlikely it seems at the moment.


lishun at 10:18 AM