Wednesday, December 03, 2008

so afraid

i'm so afraid of having expectations because i don't want to be disappointed. but even without hoping for anything, the letdowns continue to pour in. the constructive interpretation of this is to just believe for better things anyway because there's nothing to lose. but learned helplessness has a strong effect on things too.

i don't feel like hoping for more anymore. i know i should, but i just don't want to bother if it means being disappointed time and time again. or maybe that's because i'm putting my hope in all the wrong things. the wrong people.

i was an idiot for believing that having zero expectations was a good defense mechanism. now i'm just more hurt than i started with. topped off with lowered standards and non-existent internal motivation.

my mother was right, as always. i was being selfish and unfair.

lishun at 3:35 PM