Friday, January 28, 2005

the hypocrite

when i was in secondary school (this is what teaching has done to me: made me relive those years), i used to lament about how i was forced to live a "double life" - all bubbly, responsible prefect on one side, and lonely, stressed girl on the other. in fact, i even resorted to writing to big bro about it (why am i telling you this?) and got half of a page of the newspaper dedicated to my...problem.

since then, i have pretty much settled into my own identity. i didn't so much as settle on one persona, as i did accept that i am probably more complex than i wish i were. i embraced the fact that i love both the arts and the sciences, that i am both impatient and calm, and that i treasure my solitude but enjoy being around people. i blame it on my being a gemini.

recently though, the issue of me being two different people emerged to haunt me once again.

this time, it's not about having a public and a private personality, but more about being a hypocrite. it bugs me that i claim to love poetry, and yet how much poetry have i actually written, read, appreciated and understood? i also claim to keep track of interesting global issues, but when i read the papers, it isn't to scrutinise the news, but rather to skip all the pages straight to the funnies. worse still, i say that i find fulfilment in volunteer work...but how many times have i actually taken the initiative to approach one of the many organisations in need of volunteers to offer my services?

what a hypocrite i am!

it is as if i want to create a better person for others to ooh and aah over, to hide whatever weird childhood trauma that requires dr. phil to diagnose. i almost feel like i already am in my own internal daytime talk show, acknowledging these little...disorders in me. and i imagine pieces of myself, the pieces that know what the truth about me really is, with red noses similar to the ones on the faces of the women on the oprah winfrey show.

i just told my friend that the problem i've recognised in myself is that it takes alot for me to take the initiative, but it takes very little for discouragement to creep up on me. it wasn't something that i've ever really thought about, but at that moment, it just seemed like that was the best way to describe the hypocrite in me. i show off a side of me that is very enthusiastic, and ready to go. but i am actually a procrastinator that is actually, to my horror, content to live out a mediocre life. mellow, without excitement.

remember the entry i wrote about wanting to introduce adventure into my life? that's what i want, but it is not what i can truly do on my own. if left to my own devices, i wouldn't even be working in my former secondary school. i'd still be bumming around the way i'd been bumming since december.

know what? i disgust myself. i really need to do something about this. FAST!

lishun at 6:46 PM

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