Sunday, November 28, 2004

new template!

i just got this new template thanks to vainpeach designs. it's called "dog's life"...pretty adorable, don't you think? just trying it out...if you like this template, drop me an email, won't you?

well, today ends my week of idle bliss. it's been fabulous giving myself 7 days to be lazy and read some artemis fowl and, God forbid, sweet valley high. i'll have to start some studying next week. not exactly looking forward to it.

anyway, i've been thinking alot about my last entry, and about how reluctant i am to leave my loved ones. as crazy as it sounds, it seemed rather selfish of me to want to give up a perfectly good chance just so i wouldn't miss every moment with my family. it probably has to do with my newfound faith in God. i felt like i was selfish in the sense that i wanted to reject what God has planned for me, what He had given to me instead of someone else.

i've never really written about this before, but finding God has somehow filled a void in my life. i guess it's because during the hardest times in singapore, i only had Him by my side. when i doubted the love of my family, i couldn't doubt His love. when i thought about the possibility of me spending my life alone, since guys seem to avoid me like the plague (shallow, i know), when i felt my ugliest, He reminded me that i am beautiful, no matter what, and there is someone who will finally see me as He does.

on all those occasions when i cried myself to sleep, badly needing a shoulder to lean on but not trusting anyone in my hostel enough to let them be that shoulder, i leaned on Him.

so when i even thought about rejecting what is being handed to me on a silver platter, it felt as though i was so selfish and ungrateful.

but trust me, the words of a radiologist i met while doing my attachment at NUH two weeks ago still resounded in my head. when i told him about the scholarship, he commented, "another scapegoat, huh?"

this whole thing about doing medicine has given me my share of sleepless nights. do i really want to go through 6 years of text books, and then spend 10 more carrying out the bond that comes with the scholarship? will i even enjoy what i do? where does that leave my personal life? 16 years, possibly all of it away from home. by the time those 16 years are over, my grandmother may not even be alive, my dog would have long passed. as for my parents...they would be almost 80.

will i have the strength to do all that? to live through it all? all i know is only God knows, and the only thing i can do is put my faith in Him.

lishun at 8:55 PM

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