Thursday, June 30, 2005

report card love

"my mother gives me the feeling that she loves me if and only if i produce good grades," said a 15-year-old girl in taiwan.

~ from "parents, your marks are in", readers' digest july 2005


i was born the 4th granddaughter of my family. coming from a very traditional chinese family (i can be considered only second generation - my father was 10 before he set foot in malaysia), that doesn't mean good news. in fact, it meant no one paid much attention to me as a baby. i was just allowed to grow on the sidelines and watch as my sister got more attention than she wanted.

then, i started displaying signs of intelligence.

it was the little things, like reading by the time i was 1. repeating phrases my mother taught me in appropriate situations. plonking out ad jingles accurately on the piano at age 3. saying unexpected yet amusing things.

it was all very cute. but still no one really paid much attention to me.

after that, school started.

and i was introduced to these things called "report cards" that i had to bring home twice a year so that my parents and my relatives could pour over my progress in school.

it was then that i learnt the most important lesson of my early school life: the higher the numbers in blue were, the more attention my loved ones paid me. the amount of acknowledgement and "love" i received was directly proportional to the number of "A"s penned down in that little green book.

suddenly relatives gushed over me. i got more sweets. i was invited to the movies, to lunch, dinner, tea. aunts and uncles i barely knew told their kids to look at me as an example.

no, sorry, let that be "told their kids to look to my report card as an example".

as i grew older, no one could dissuade me that the only reason people looked at me at all was because i consistently finished in the top 90-something percentile of the form each year. it got to a point when i resented all my family members and friends and wished that i'd screw up badly in an exam and that they'd desert me.

because then i'd be right about them loving me only because i did well in school. because then i'd have a reason to scream at them and show them that i'm not just a nice report card.

it ate me up inside. i felt like that 15-yr-old taiwanese girl, except that i felt i could substitute the word "mother" for "loved ones".

i don't know when exactly i realised how ridiculous that was.

i don't recall talking to anyone about it, although i do remember breaking down and crying in my sister's car on my way to a friend's party and blurting out something about it in the process. i had red eyes through the entire party, and felt absolutely rotten about it because i thought i'd embarrassed the host by showing up with an awful "cold".

i don't know when it occurred to me that the whole notion of being judged by my grades was just stupid. it took a lot of thinking and reflecting and debates with myself, but i did manage to overcome the childish idea of the report card being the gauge for self-worth.

what i do know is that it might not be exactly a good idea to reward a child for his or her academic excellence.

i'm not saying i had a deprived childhood and my parents only showed the slightest signs of affection twice a year on report card day, but the best times of my immature school-going days were the times when i was rewarded for obtaining clean sheets in public exams, or for winning a book prize.

every happy moment, every encouraging word came when i did well academically.

and that made me eternally kiasu and paranoid about my school results. it didn't make me sacrifice my social life, but i constantly believed my self-worth was measured by my report card.

like i deserved to be loved because i had a nice report card.

like i deserved to live because i had a nice report card.

and there's nothing i'm more grateful for than the fact that i managed to rise above it all instead of letting it draw me deeper into the hole of insecurity into the depths of depression.

to the 15-yr-old girl in taiwan: believe me when i say that your mother will love you even if you fail to obtain good grades all the time. the most important thing is to realise that. your grades never define who you are, and they never define how much you are to be loved.

to future parents: most of you will make the mistake of doing things that will cause your children to believe in report card love. don't be too proud to encourage them to talk about their insecurities and to say sorry should they ever tell you about how they feel.

to my loved ones: i forgive you, although i never got an apology, not even after i decided to talk to some of you about this. i know you didn't mean it.

lishun at 12:29 AM

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