Friday, June 08, 2007

verbal diarrhoea

i'm getting the same sick feeling i got last semester during that literally bloody system; a sense of impending failure and futility in everything i'm doing. the fact that, the last time, my gut feelings were right doesn't exactly make me feel any better. also, i'm worried about my growing tendency to say the first thing that comes out of my mouth, even when it's highly inappropriate. what point am i trying to make by being deliberately stupid and lame and insensitive? that i'm currently experiencing increasing bouts of insecurity, loneliness and shame and i'm making up for it, smoothing out the edges, by trying to be funny or whatever? funny that it's times like this when i need God the most that i pull away and resign to being mediocre and outwardly pitiful, fishing for attention like a whore. funnier still that i'm putting into practice the good habit of doing my rationalising out loud rather than in my head but it's done nothing other than make me feel like an utter fool for having such juvenile thoughts yet doing a good job at covering up the immaturity by using some impressive vocabulary. would it be better if i just withdrew into myself? sitting in a corner during malaysian studies, i felt like i was in the best place in the world. safe between two walls. no one talked to me and i had no desire to talk to anyone anyway. i never felt more like myself then, sitting on the floor. to be honest, the only reason why i've felt the need to go through it all again is because there really has been no one at all since those silly times so many years ago. hard to believe, but it's true. they never meant a thing, not like he used to. i felt almost forced those times, like how i feel forced now. stupid peer pressure, dictating how we should live our lives and how we should feel, who our emotions should be invested into and for what reason other than to please others, conform to whatever culture is in at the moment? can i do anything other than loathe myself for succumbing to it all? i don't even want to be here. there's no place for me here anyway. no place at all. i regret the coffee this afternoon. it made me irritable and irritatingly irritated. there was a moment when i almost reached over and dialed the number just so i could let it all out. i hate that there was just one person i wanted to call - the wrong person. i knew it was the caffeine, but i was on the verge of punching my right hand through the wall just to break my knuckles and let the pain manifest there instead of in the crevices of my palpitating heart. i feel guilty for being moody so i cracked the stupidest jokes ever and adopted the most pathetic act cute acts in a vain attempt to perhaps salvage my reputation as someone always ready with some good advice and a comforting shoulder. did it work? did you manage to see through me and realise that i was just desperate to impress? i doubt you did. your attention was elsewhere, and rightfully so. no need to waste any unnecessary energy by straining to hear what i was really trying to say. it's not important anyway. i'm fraught with worry. it's frustrating that at times like this, doubts about the sufficiency of Your grace and love start to resurface. are You sure You have room for a desolate like me? i know You do, just worried that i will forget it. it'd be ridiculous to want me. why would anyone? as i've said so many times, there will not be anyone who will truly miss me. outside of family, outside of blood and common alleles. you won't miss me and i would never hold you against it. would still be nice if someone did, though. i'm falling asleep at the keyboard, the first time i've felt drowsy before 2am this week. in a way i'm relieved but in another i grieve. already, life has moved on, whether or not i was ready for it to. just a second ago, someone gave birth to a new life and maybe you finished reading that lecture note you've been intending to read all day. me, i'm going to bed. do me a favour and miss me while i'm gone. humour my insecurities and wish me sweet dreams.

lishun at 11:15 PM