Sunday, September 09, 2007


right now, i'm living in a fragmented micro-world where a million different things are happening in a single life - mine. it's not a jigsaw puzzle where all it requires is a little self-assembling. i feel like the little moments going on have no congruency at all, nothing to hold them together, nothing to even suggest that they go together.

the domestic help has left and i'm trying my best to help my mother in the house. it's hard when i'm out of the house most of the time. it's even harder to know that she has to take care of the place all by herself when there will be days when she doesn't feel well. but my main worry is the loneliness she must feel now that there's no more maria to talk to and impart words of wisdom to, an activity my mother is fond of. she may say that she's used to an empty house, that she enjoys her solitude, but i know she'd much prefer company.

for the last couple of months, i've been swamped with the 4Cs - charity run, convo mag, church and...and...academics (fine, the last one was forced...but somehow "3Cs and an A" just doesn't sound so impressive). now that the charity run is over, i guess i can afford to take a breather and concentrate on the next three.

the most unlikely thing happened though. last night, ps victor preached about what it means to be serving and how to serve the community. as he went on about how he started small and called the right contacts to make things happen, it made me think about the thousand and one phone calls, emails and faxes i've sent through the last 8 months while working on the charity run. those were done in a panic without much purpose other than to cover as much ground as possible, but the whole experience did teach me a thing or two about dealing with people in the business world, even if i sincerely loathed every minute of it.

perhaps, just perhaps...God is piecing it all together for me and i don't have to worry about a single thing. after all, the big picture is not mine to see. it's the most unlikely link ever - something i hated doing and something i am somewhat passionate about, joined in a manner i would have never thought they would.

i was truly exhausted last night. i needed so much to be revitalised. i felt like the high levels of cortisol running through my blood were finally causing some kind of burnout. i didn't feel like talking to anyone. i didn't feel like smiling, especially not to the seemingly happy people at church. i just wanted to go home, curl in a ball on my bed and cry till i fell asleep.

i would love to say that as i lifted my hands in worship that i experienced something incredible, but i didn't. all i could do was give whatever i had left and sing my best, dance my best, pray my best and hope God is still pleased with me. when i decided to go for supper after service eventhough it was late, it wasn't with the objective of fellowshipping with my spiritual family. it was because i badly needed to laugh and i knew there would be no lack of laughter at our long supper table.

this morning, i woke up reluctantly. the sun was too bright for me to carry on sleeping. but there were things to do, people to see, places to go. i was reminded that just yesterday my futsal captain dropped me from the team and i was forced to acknowledge that yes, i was disappointed with her decision...but i guess i have no choice but to take it gracefully and support them totally tonight.

it's so much easier to hole myself up in my room and sleep through the day, leave my life in the uncoordinated mess it is, ignore that the fragments need to be taken care of. it's so much easier. but when have things ever been easy, and why should they ever be?

lishun at 10:03 AM