Saturday, December 15, 2007

in this house

"i pray for my family (almost) every day. yet the rooms remain devoid of God's presence and i feel it's all my fault. it's my fault for choosing to run away into the safety of church and uni instead of staying home and battling things out, things that i can't see or feel or hear or even know what they are. i know i've done all i can within my flawed, inadequate, small human capacity. still i feel God's work unravel and become undone when i'm at home. it's as if He's never been in my life when i step into the house. like a drain becomes unplugged when i come home and the Holy Spirit leaves the building as if it's a lost cause. i refuse to believe that lie because my God is mighty to bring the earth to submission, but there is no denying the difference between what i experience away from home and what goes on within the walls that i grew up in. am i not desperate enough?"

i wrote the words above this morning, after a heated discussion about stuff with my mother. it wasn't anything major and it wasn't really about me or her anyway, but it just reminded me that at any time there is something i am not at peace about, it's the Holy Spirit pointing to an aspect of my life that requires attention because something's just wrong.

sometime last week, i had a conversation with a friend about the mystery of why it's easier to share God with friends than with family. it's not limited to families like mine, with no christian background. no one is spared from this mystery. prayers for loved ones' salvation or rededication go on for decades without any clear "result" in sight. it's no wonder then that there is space for impatience, striving, loss of faith, disappointments, discouragements to sneak in between those years of prayer.

i guess i really needed reminding today about several things. i needed to remember that the God i love now is the same God abraham trusted in long ago. i needed to remember that His hand is not too short to reach my family, that i can rest in the knowledge that He has dominion over my home. i needed to be reminded that my time is not His time and that no matter what i see things as, He's got the bigger picture in mind. i may be impatient for things to happen but unless i am God, there is no way for me to determine what should happen and when.

i need God to be in my home. i need to relinquish my grip on the affairs of this family and release them to Him in prayer and submission.

we may not be the simpsons, my parents may not be ike and tina turner, we may be alot less complex compared to the british royal family...but we need God in this house, and we need Him desperately.

lishun at 11:22 PM