Friday, December 05, 2008

don't say

"don't say you can't!"

she asked me why i was simply a spectator last night and not part of the show. i told her that i can't act, sing or dance.

"don't say you can't! if you say it enough, you'll believe it. and if there's one thing i know after 6 years of coming to this event, it's that you students have so much talent! don't say that your studies are difficult. there's nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it!"

i just smiled at her and nodded my head in false agreement as i drove her and her daughter to a spot where her husband was waiting for her.

i know in theory what determination is. i see it in my parents. some of my friends have achieved things that are incredible. in those darned shojo dramas, the stupid, stubborn girl wins over the smart, smouldering guy because of her persistence. so yes, i know in theory what determination is.

but i don't think i've really been determined to do anything. things came easy back in school. perhaps the only times i've ever tried my best was when i was in singapore and i struggled to pass the fitness tests and worked hard at getting that distinction for general paper. ever since then, i've never pushed myself anymore. looking back, i've probably let every opportunity to shine go to waste because...well...i stopped believing in myself and started hoping that people would believe in me.

and of course, people disappoint.

now that there's a need for me to be determined and refuse to say "i can't", i find it difficult to do so. i'm withdrawing into a shell, only coming out when no one else is there, thinking myself as some kind of indispensible hero when in reality, i've stopped being anything special at all the day i stopped trying.


anyway, i'm glad i chose not to be anti-social last night. it broke my heart to be reminded of some things i had specifically avoided encountering for a long time. there were still times when my jokes and laughter were more forced than sincere. but i did smile genuinely, some moments did make me double over and it was good to have someone else make the effort to raise my spirits.

however, as i waved goodbye to her, i knew that it was a transient joy i felt last night. i was reluctantly entertained. until i make an effort myself to get out of this stupid rut, i'll be resigned to this secret corner of darkness and tears that no one even knows i'm in.

lishun at 12:30 PM