Saturday, July 17, 2004

in the short space

in the short space of one week, everything has changed for me. i have lost almost everything worldly that is important to me.

i have lost part of my freedom. although i am probably my own strictest guardian, with my self-imposed groundings and curfews, i do let myself a little slack, especially since no one else really cares about me here. the only thing people are about here is my report card, and as long as i give them a nice-looking one, i have my freedom.

i have lost my parents' trust. i have been aware that through these 18 months, they have let me make my own decisions. when i chose to take the asean scholarship, they let me go. after getting jpa, they respected my decision to carry on here rather than go back into their arms and study at taylors. when i went home end of last year with a brilliant AAAB for promos and just a slight bug about my physics, my mother offered to ask her lecturer friend to help brush me up, but i refused. and she never brought it up again. now, my parents are practically forcing me to take tuition, something i loathe, and the worst thing is, i know they're right.

i have lost most of my confidence. i am used to being top dog all this time. i am used to being one of the proud, flushed receipients on prize-giving day. and this year, i was but a spectator, watching my peers go up there and smile to the crowd while receiving the white envelope or plaque as a reward for their work. i, on the other hand, have achieved nothing. i never contributed as much to the college as i had wanted to, i didn't achieve the academic excellence i know i am capable of. lishun, the proud one, is forced to be humble and accept that she just isn't that good. the bad news is, my confidence just flew out of the window.

why?

simple, really. it's a case of the bad report card. i've simply not been up to mark. my deterioration has been steady, and if it carries on, i'm not going to cut it to australia. a result slip displaying BBCD is not going to impress anyone. it doesn't impress my friends. it certainly doesn't impress my parents. and i'm hating myself more and more each day because of it.

the pride and resentment are, of course, signs of how weak my character is.

i was incredibly depressed a few days ago. i couldn't sleep although my eyes hurt and i was tired from all the shouting and yelling and crying over the phone with my parents. i knew they were right, and yet the child in me just refused to bow to their advice. you see...i even used the word "bow". that shows just how reluctant i still am, although right after writing this entry, i'm going off for my first physics lesson.

i only have comfort in the knowledge that this is a test from God. note that i described all the things i've lost as worldly. God has simply stripped me of the worldly things i love to drive home the point that i am not meant for worldly things. that my place is in eternity.

He also doesn't put me to a test that i am incapable of passing. the only reason why He's testing me is because He knows i will make it through.

i get the point, Lord. now i can only pray that You will help me through this. because right now, You're the only one i can trust.

lishun at 8:56 PM

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