Saturday, June 12, 2004

numb

*disclaimer: this is not a tribute to "taman linkin". i do not like their music. it gives me splitting headaches. and if i have to listen another stupid amateur band play "numb" one more time, i will slit their throats. thank you.

i am worried. i feel like i no longer know how to enjoy myself. or be pleasant. whatever.

when i am in the company of my sister these days, i always act like i'm about to snap her head off. and it's not as though i really want to do that...but i think i come across as if i do. her fiance irritates the hell out of me too, even when he's not doing anything. and i don't know why. he's a nice guy. i quite like him. sometimes, anyway. and i think it's unfair for me to act that way towards him, and my sister.

it's so difficult to make me smile. respond. anything. to me, every conversation feels forced and polite. i'm so tense. inside, outside. physically, emotionally.

today when i went for a facial as a "li'l" birthday treat, the lovely girl doing the facial for me said that i had neck muscles as tense and hard as a horse's.

i didn't ask her how in the world she knew how tense and hard horse muscles are, but that's besides the point.

anyway, later as she massaged my neck, shoulders and the part immediately below my neck, i tensed up and couldn't relax. the massage felt nice, but my body just, to use that word again, tensed. she kept asking me to relax, and i would, for a moment, before i tensed up again.

after the whole thing, i kept asking myself...why? why on earth was i so stressed? i felt so numb after that. less relaxed than i was before i went in.

just a few moments ago, a friend invited me over to her place for dinner. i couldn't because my mother's cooked dinner. but to be honest, i immediately felt all - here it is again - tense the moment she called. and it made me realise that everytime i went over to her place for dinner, i never did feel anything. it was like an emotion-less thing, like i was numb to the whole thing. in the past i went because, well, it was sort of a social obligation. i couldn't just relax and enjoy myself.

i am worried. worried that i have really lost the ability to have fun. real fun that doesn't leave me drained afterwards. it's as if i'm always stressed...just different kinds of stress to suit different kinds of occasions. always worried that i'd have nothing to worry about. or something like that.

it's so unfair to the people around me. it's unfair to my sis and her fiance. it was unfair to the girl at the beauty parlour. it's unfair to my friend, who always puts in such effort into the dinner parties she holds every so often.

and it's unfair to me.

lishun at 9:52 PM

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