Thursday, March 16, 2006

only one apology here

*edit: there is only one apology here and it goes out to jc. sorry for all the trouble. i am grateful for your efforts to help me. thank you very very much. =)


the thing is...i trusted you.

i trusted that you would use what's mine but treat it like it was yours. i specifically said that i wanted you to look after it properly and return it to me safely.

exactly which part of that request included "you can go ahead and leave it anywhere you want and not even check if it was kept properly or that it would be back in my hands as soon as possible"?

what the f**king hell happened to respect for other people's property?!

sometimes i wonder why i even bother helping people. why on earth should i respect people or trust them or have faith in them when they don't even give a damn about me?

but then i remember that it's my fault in the first place for being nice. being nice is like walking around with a huge, colourful neon signboard that says, "please, take me for granted."

i'm nice what. that means i don't have feelings, i don't have a temper, i will forgive you all the time, and i don't know the meaning of impatience.

it also means that when i do lose my temper, when i reach my limit of tolerance or if, God forbid, i get *gasp* offended, i am the one who has to apologise because i made you uncomfortable during that one moment of escaped rage.

of course i owe it to you to suppress my anger everytime anyone disappoints me. i owe it to you to feel sorry eventhough i have every f**king right to be mad. i owe it to you.

because i'm nice.

and now you're thinking, "why is she being so unfair and blaming it on me?" well, the truth is, it's not your fault. not completely anyway.

it's never totally one person's fault because everytime you point your finger at someone, some of the blame shifts to them. and when that person points at someone else, some more of the blame moves on to that other person. and so it goes, on and on, until the blame is diluted and shared among not just you, but a dozen or so other people.

so no, it's not your fault. it's partly her fault too. and maybe his, or hers, and even their fault.

but i hope that you, you, you, you, and you will at least have one sleepless night, retracing the events of that night, trying to remember where you left it, who you gave it to and what you could have changed to have been more responsible, more careful and more mindful of my parting words that night; that simple task to return what's mine to me safely.

i hope you do. because i don't even have the opportunity to do that. i trusted you to be my eyes and my hands that night. did you deserve that trust?

obviously you didn't.

*note: i almost wanted to put in a apology here. for swearing, maybe. a disclaimer, maybe, that i don't intend to offend anyone. that i'm just stressed because this has been one tough week. but i am not going to make any excuses for myself or for anyone, and i'm definitely not going to apologise. i am f**king pissed and for the first time in two (three?) years, i am actually saying that i am, indeed, f**king pissed at you and everyone else you want to share the blame with.

lishun at 9:36 PM