Monday, March 06, 2006

forgive me, for i am stressed

it's no secret that i get stressed very easily.

in secondary school, i got stressed when prefects showed up late for duty, didn't wear their uniforms properly, or let their attention wander during meetings. i got worked up if deadlines were not met and when teachers made even the slightest complaint about prefects.

with my friends, i never got a moments' rest until dinner plans were finalised and party details were worked out properly. if my pals dilly-dallied, i seethed inside and struggled to calm myself down and wait for them to make up their minds.

even now, people describe me as "stressed out", although i know i have gotten better at keeping my composure.

in college, i learnt how to push my boiling point farther and farther away from reach. there, people didn't know me as well as my childhood friends did and the only way for me to make friends was to just take larger gulps whenever i feel the old bits of rage and panic come creeping up my throat.

it's early march and i know that a season of stress will be coming upon me very soon. last week i felt almost ready to scream just because i was uncomfortable with the last-minute preparations of my orientation group. this morning, i was reluctant to climb out of bed because i have a storyboard to present on saturday and am facing the prospect of having no tech-savvy team behind me to help produce a decent video, fit to be seen by 200 pairs of eyes in may.

in two weeks, i will be back in uni, wading through a sea of unfamiliar terms all over again...while trying to balance my ambitions, God's plans, and my selfish desires for nothing but contentment all at once.

being stressed is just a part of who i am. i sprouted white hairs the moment i traded in my navy pinafore for a blue shirt and red tie in primary school. never have i regretted that trade-in although it caused stress levels to always run high in my blood. despite holding out for so many years and keeping the sharp bursts of steam to a minimum, i still have no idea where exactly my breaking point is.

the good news is, i have gotten better at keeping things under control. the bad news is, i'm most likely going to be pretty touchy at least till may. do forgive me, alright?

lishun at 6:52 PM