Thursday, April 02, 2009

david and the screwup

it's been a disappointing week. i was forced to withdraw my application to do my electives in singapore due to unforeseen circumstances and had to extend my stay in hospital sungai buloh.

although i'll be spending a fortnight in the emergency department with a good friend of mine who has promised to make those 2 weeks worthwhile (i am holding you to your word, sun!), i am crushed at the missed opportunity to see what healthcare in singapore is like.

actually, crushed is an understatement. i am royally devastated.

last night, i found myself back in the pits, drained of all self-confidence and self-belief. my past failures and wasted chances came flooding back and i was completely submerged in self-pity. i knew i had sabotaged myself yet again, underachieved once more. i am overrated, i really am.

of course, that left me vulnerable to every element that's out to get me and instead of reaching for God's word, i let myself wake up this morning wracked with guilt and self-loathing. i am an embarrassment to the medical profession. i am not fit to be His daughter.

one thing that haunted me was the possibility that maybe if i had prayed harder or fasted longer (or rather, fasted at all), then God would have perhaps granted my wishes or awarded my faith. that thought was still in my mind as i typed out a lengthy, pathetic post about how unworthy i am of the privilege to study medicine.

...but then i remembered this:

"after nathan had gone home, the Lord struck the child that uriah's wife had borne to david, and he became ill. david pleaded with God for the child. he fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. the elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

on the seventh day the child died. david's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "while the child was still living, we spoke to david but he would not listen to us. how can we tell him the child is dead? he may do something desperate."

david noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "is the child dead?" he asked. "yes," they replied, "he is dead."

then david got up from the ground. after he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshipped. then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

his servants asked him, "why are you acting this way? while the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"

he answered, "while the child was still alive, i fasted and wept. i thought, 'who knows? the Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' but now that he is dead, why should i fast? can i bring him back again? i will go to him, but he will not return to me.""
- 2 samuel 12:15-23

the initial reason i looked up those passages was because i wanted to write about how i wish i could be like king david, who got up and worshipped God after his son died. i wanna be someone who could pick herself up and be driven by a God-given determination to carry on and perhaps do better. right now, i have no motivation whatsoever to make the most out of the next 2 weeks. i want to be like david and get up, worship God, and accept that God still knows best no matter what.

however, what i got was a reassurance that even the worst of events could be part of God's bigger plan. that even if i prayed and fasted and if it was still not the best outcome for me, God would not let it happen.

you can see it in a negative or positive light. on one hand, it can mean there's no point praying...God has His way anyway. on the other, it can mean that we can be comforted by the fact that His plans for us are still good; the next verses talk about the conception and birth of solomon, the wisest man to walk the earth (next to Jesus, anyway).

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
- romans 8:28

the verse above is both a source of relief and anguish for me. relief because it means He knows what He's doing, and He's doing it for my own good. anguish because it doesn't say anything about God divulging His plans to us first and requiring a signature asking for consent before He goes about carrying them out. i don't want to be left in the dark. i hate surprises. besides, how can i be sure that what i'm doing really is His purpose?

yet, i guess the best thing i can be assured of is that He is after all Lord and all i am is His. even if i screw up, He can turn it around and make it something good according to His will.

even if i screw up. even if i am a screwup. He's done that in so many lives before me. i know He will do the same...even for a screwup like me.

lishun at 6:57 PM