Saturday, May 30, 2009

all that i am

there are times, during praise and worship, that i feel disconnected from the songs i sing. the songs are usually old favourites that i know by heart, which means that i often find myself singing the words in a reflex-like manner - not giving them a second thought at all.

last week, i caught myself in one of those times, jolted by the realisation that i didn't mean a single word i was singing.

"all that i am, all that i have, i lay them down before You, my Lord..."

it was then that i stopped singing and just listened to the rest of the christian fellowship deliver the remainder of the song. it was a tune i was familiar with, one that i've heard of even before i decided to follow Jesus, a song that was often sung during those cf meetings i attended in school.

"all my regrets, all my acclaims, the joy and the pain, i'm making them Yours..."

i thought about my regrets. taking the asean scholarship. not reading my acceptance letter properly. giving up on the appeals. not trying harder for overseas electives. each time i chose to put the blame on myself and perhaps even pride myself for carrying that pain around on my own.

i thought about my acclaims, the number of which has declined alot over the last couple of years. when did i last praise God for them? rightfully attributed them to Him? made them His?

"Lord, i offer my life to You. everything i've been through, use it for Your glory..."

use it for Your glory? it was then i realised that the main problem i have with my faith is i cannot comprehend how God can use my failures, my faults, my screwups for His glory. as i told a friend sometime ago, i look at my mediocre academic results and see them as a source of shame. most of my fellow church-goers do extremely well in their studies, finishing with distinctions and other accolades, so when they say "praise God!" upon opening their result slips, it makes sense. it's a testimony. look, i have served God, honoured Him with my time, and He has honoured me too. how great is our God!

it's different when you've messed up along the way and proven to be less than admirable. just how can it be used for His glory?

of course, i know that God's ways are not my ways. what i see as failure now could very well be God's plan to make a point 20, 30 years down the road. perhaps it's meant to make an impact when i'm no longer alive to see it. my job is to have greater faith, obey Him, and be secure in His love. but it's harder than it's supposed to be!

"Lord, i offer my days to You, lifting my praise to You. As a pleasing sacrifice, Lord, i offer You my life."

right now, in bible class, i'm learning about the pattern of behaviour that God's people go through. we rebel, we receive retribution, we repent and we are restored to Him. i guess i am at the rebellion and retribution phase at the moment. but me, being human, just like those before me, i'm resisting hard against humbling myself and repenting eventhough i know that's what i need to do.

when lifting my hands makes me feel like a hypocrite, when those words taste bitter in my mouth, it's a sure sign that i must repent and remember the God whom i serve, the God who loves me still, the God i offered my life to many years ago.

Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

lishun at 11:44 PM